PUNNIEST OF SHOW

Punniest of Show (a.k.a. "P.O.S.") is a judged event wherein contestants are allowed 2 minutes to present 90 seconds of prepared pun material. Often participants arrive in costume, bring props, musical instruments or use various visual aids. Although these prepared routines need not be memorized, those who do well usually have come prepared and well rehearsed.

This year there were 30 entries in P.O.S., falling only two bodies short of a full slate. The highest rating any performance could have received was 40 points (10 from each judge) The two highest scoring routines both received 39 points which resulted in a "clap-off" from the audience. Third place was also tied at 38 points and was also decided by applause. It was fitting reward that the team edged into 4th place here claimed the MVP award as being the favorite among their fellow contestants.

** TOP FINISHERS **

PUNNIEST OF SHOW - 2004

1st - Ben Glazer - Austin, TX

2nd - Gita Mani and Archana Sinharah (team) - Arlington, TX

3rd - Laurie Ann Poole - Austin, TX

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The Best Medicine - by Ben Glazer

39 points - First place winner!

This is a DRUG STORE-y about my gambling TRYPTOPHAN-tastic CLUB MEDICINE.
It was the MIDOL of the AFRINoon. The high ROLAIDS over at the craps tables were LISTERINE to an 80's cover BAND-AID singing "CARMEX CARMEX CARMEX CARMEX CARMEX CAMOMILE-ion
I was playing at a poker TABLET for a DIMETAPP, using a SUCRETS card-counting METHODONE from a CIPROfessional gambler to give me ALLEGRA-up. Keeping track of my MONISTATs, I realized my PEYOTE was way above average.
To CELEBREX, I MOTRINed over a cocktail waitress and ordered a RICOLA.
"SUTURE self," she said and went to get my drink.
"BARBIT, URATE!" I called after her.
But instead of my COKE, she CENTRUM. In ADDICTION, a MESCALINE bodyguard CAMPHOR me. He dECKERD'S me as if he MENTADENT me and MINOXODIL me out. As I ROGAINE my consciousness, I find he's DRUG me up the STEROIDS to a ZOLOFT in the back.
"CAINE, the club owner, is coming to DOCTOR you. HISTAMINEst. I'd ADVILcate you don't LIDOCAINE."
"Hey," I responded, "ASPIRIN no questions, TYLENOL lies."
QUININE minutes later, CAINE enters and BOTOX to me. "You play like a PROZAC. That stacks the DEXATRIM your favor. I won't GERITOlerate that anyMORPHINE GAUZE it VIAGRAvates me and could geTUSSIN big trouble. You
ADDERALL the cards ever again, you're putting your KLEENEX on the line. Are we CLARITIN?"
"CRYSTAL METH."
And with that, he tells me to PAXIL my bags and SENSIMILLA on my way

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The OKRA Show - by Gita Mani and Archana Sinharah

39 points - Second place winner!

The OKRA Show
Putting our best FRUIT forward for your VEGGIEcation

Welcome to the Okra Show. Today, CHERRY Seinfeld will tell

ARTI-JOKES and we'll meet Bruce Lee's twin, BROCC' LEE. Watch The BOK

CHOY ballet perform the WATER CHESTNUTcracker Suite. Hear the
RapSCALLIONS sing their a-MAIZE-ing hit, "I think, therefore I YAM,"
and the STRING BEAN Quintet play "GREENS LEAVES." So TURNIP the volume
ENDIVE in.

Parsley, sage, rosemary and THYME for a commercial break.

Take a LEEK if you must, but PEASE don't change that FENNEL.

The Okra show will be right back.

(Holding up sign that reads "CORNmercial"):
This slice was brought to you by DAIKON cameras.
Daikon--For the best SHOOTS.
(Another sign that reads "end of CORNmercial")

The global crisis BEETS me. WATERCRESS we're in. SPUD missiles on our
EGGPLANET? SPROUTrageous! That son of a PEACH is a BUSHel of

trouble makes me break out in CHIVES.

Tomorrow, we'll have upDATES on the CAPERS of two BITTER MELONS who
CANTALOUPE because their au PEAR won't let them. We'll also meet the
HEAD OF LETTUCE Pray Foundation.

Thanks to those who PRODUCE this show. y'all deserve a PLUM CELERY with

STALK options. And (to audience) y'all have been a GRAPE BUNCH! Give
yourselves a POUND of APPLE-ause.
See you TATER! GOURD Bless America!

And now, it's over to Dr. DILL.

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My Rocky Romance - by Laurie Ann Poole

38 points - Third place winner!

I'm Raquel Rockwell. Talkin' about my ex, Mica Feldspar. A craggy geologist, he worked in Marble Falls at Cobalt Corp., a rock-bound conglomerate. Tellurium, I lead him on, acting silicon-tacting him - caliche and every day and talc for hours, cementing our relationship. Sedimentally, we'd play rock songs: Rolling Stones' "Ruby Tuesday" and "Everybody must get stoned."

He'd say, "You're mine, Lava, we lignite!" He was sapphire-y kissing me, he rocked my world. See my diamond? Quarried me over the threshold at Jasper's Sandstone Inn. Did that bed rock! I'd iron his clothes, grill marbled steaks, make coal slaw with carats, roast turquoise, bake su-pearl-ative pyrite, porphyry's coffee. Treasuring his family jewels, I yearned to rear a peridot-ing kids.

But, soon takin' me for granite smelt rotten to the core! That vein drunk would tectonic water and gin with lime every time he cinnabar. What an alkali-ar for sure. He wanted topaz the night shooting the bullion with a jaded bunch of agates - those geyser nothing but silver-haired old fossils! Emerald geezers from the Stone Age - nuttin' gneiss.

Oy-ster-ing up a fight, called me an igneous slut and a golddigging parisite, treated me like an ore. Petrified of that spelunkhead's volcanic temper, I was quaking in fear that he'd shovel me around, tear off my slip-strike me, and leave his marcasite sorry to behold.

The fools' gold-ed me for being frigid as a glacier because my motherlode-d me down with gilt. Land o' Goshenite and day, he was mountain me, peter hard. But, not very mete-o-rite that does matter. Seismic-key Rooney, not Mickey Rourke. In like flint, gettin' his rocks off, the eruption comin' in quartz!

Never metamorphic'le guy on Earth. He cheated with this chippie so it's his San Andreas fault. A plan with crystal clarity: to poison them with arsenic and barium in a bauxite-ossed out that idea. Can't zinc that low. Afraid of tailings by coppers. What a fool I amethyst-uff! Garnet, on the rocks!

Abalone, we just didn't pan out. I schist had sulfured enough. Mother-of-pearl, no opal-eaving. Onyx, wipe the slate clean, steel myself, and toss him on the slag heap. You alabaster-d, don't give me the shaft. Beryl on down the rhodium. Grab a cabochon your friend to drive you back to Rocky Top, Tennessee! Go gypsum other girl like An-thracite. Shale realize you zircon-ned her!

That pumice outta my life. Mineral alike!

Meet Amber Stone, my new partner!

To read the director's cut of this story go the Laurie Ann's website:

http://snurl.com/RockyRomance

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Interview with the Pirate of Punzance - by Brian Snider Oakley & Stephen Fuller

38 points - Winner of the mmMVP award

I understand that your heritage goes all the way back to New Testament
times to the very first buccaneer

Right, PontiusPontius Pirate.

Was he appointed by one of the seven Caesars?
Noelected by secret ballast.

And later cannon-ized, as I recall. Your father was a shipping typhoon
in thermal underwear?
Yephe a-mast a lot of Long John Silver during the boom.

Did he make a fortune?
A-vast! And it's still acrew-ing interest

You aren't one of those doped up church robbers, are you?
No, you've got me confused with those Stoned Temple Pirates.

I saw your new boat; beautiful color-maroon - Get it on sail?
No, I won it gambling at mumblety-peg legdoubloon or nothing.

How's the mileage per galleon?
Great, but my deckhand Frankie put a dinghy in the side so I docked
his pay and made him caulk the plank.

A stern penalty. Was he drunk?
Sure, Francis Drank a lot

Did you have to replace the whole frigate section?
Nautical; eye patch!

No insurance? You might want to consider having Charles Schwab the deck.
Well, you know what they say: Ship Cap'ns.

If it's not an invasion of piracy, I heard you broke up with yo' ho
Aye, a waitress named Kerrie down at the Armada Inn; she had a great
body and no teeth.

You always did go for those scurvaceous types. What nationality was she?
Spanish, mainly; had a fine head of corsair. She told me I was her
first mate.

Was Kerrie-bein' honest with you about that?
No when I found out, I told her, "That's quite a cut-lass".

In a fit of anchor, she tossed me overboard.

Was the water cold?
Well, it shriveled me timber!

Did you cry over the breakup?
Not in public, but I will confess to shedding a privateer.

Did Edward Teach you a lesson during your last battle?
Not really; he was a little out of swords that day that's how I got
my reputation as a real Blackbeard eraser.

I have to ask: How much for the earrings?
About a buccaneer.

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