PUNDITS of the PAST

This is the big inning of 2005. In this issue we will bring you puns as usual and news of up coming wordy events in 2005.

We opun 2005 with heteronyms (Nothing to do with heterosexuals, other than it all sounds the same to me for a spell) from Richard Lederer's list of language books.

Richard tells us there is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France (Surprise!). Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing; grocersdon't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down. In which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

How can we be late with these Christmas Carols heard in the psychiatric wards of various medical facilities at the North Pole:

Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Amnesia --- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and ...

Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,...........

Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House

Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe

Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

Social Anxiety Disorder --- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate.

Korn off the Kob of Kenny Kramer

Hitch hiking is not a good rule of thumb.

Match makers like to strike up a light conversation.

Lumber companies have many board meetings.

A kangaroo that can't jump is completely hopless.

The man addicted to brake fluid said he could stop any time.

A skunk fell in the river and stank to the bottom.

When a new hive is done, bees have a house swarming party.

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

Successful dieters might win the Nobelly prize

When dressing up for a masquerade, disguise the limit.

'Pun' spelled backwards is a nup. And a nup is a nup.

Glossary of Alternative Medical Terms (Rated PG)

Benign: What you be after you be eight.
Artery: The study of paintings.
Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria.
Barium: What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome.
Cat scan: Searching for kitty.
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.
Colic: A sheep dog.
Coma: A punctuation mark.
D & C: Where Washington is.
Dilate: To live long.
Enema: Not a friend.
Fester: Quicker than someone else.
Fibula: A small lie.
Genital: Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series: World Series of military
baseball.
Hangnail: What put your coat on.
Impotent: Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane.
Morbid: A higher offer than Ibid.
Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates.
Node:Was aware of.
Outpatient: A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear: A fatherhood test.
Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative: A letter carrier.
Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery.
Rectum: Darn near killed him.
Secretion: Hiding something.
Seizure: Roman emperor.
Tablet: A small table.
Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the Bus Station
Tumor: Another pair.
Urine: Opposite of you're out.
Varicose: Near by/almost touching.
Vein: Conceited.

Hello from The HUMOR Project! The HUMOR Project is back in this email newsletter from them via ISTPF is to help you get more smileage out of your life and work... and to pass along some fast-breaking news about our 20th international humor conference on April 8-10, 2005.

Table of Comments :)

1. You Read It Here First: April 8-10, 2005 International Humor Conference

2. Mirth in the Media

3. Humor-Wise and Humor Why's

4. Humor How-To: Building Your H.Q. (Humor Quotient)

5. Giving the Gift of Humor

6. Laffirmation for December 18

We are VERY excited about our 20th international conference on "The

Positive Power of Humor, Hope and Healing." Over the years, 18,000

people from all 50 states, throughout Canada, and abroad (Australia,

Austria, Belgium, Brazil, Chile, Denmark, England, Finland, Germany,

Guam, Holland, Hong Kong, India, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Japan,

Norway, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Scotland, Singapore, South Africa,

Spain, Sweden, Turkey, and humor hot spots in between) have attended

this program. Participants have included businesspeople, managers,

Fortune 500 executives, teachers and trainers, human service

professionals, doctors, nurses, therapists, clergy, parents, and

people who wonder what they want to be when they grow up.

The 2005 conference speakers include Yakov Smirnoff (renowned

comedian), Teri Garr (Oscar-nominated actress), Mike Veeck (baseball

marketing guru), Bob Mankoff (New Yorker cartoon editor), Jeanne

Robertson (former National Speakers Association president), Rabbi Bob

Alper and Ahmed Ahmed (comedy's odd couple and jesters of peace), Jana

Stanfield (multi-platinum singer/songwriter), and Margie Ingram

(Conference Coordinator and renowned presenter on HUMOResilience).

This learning-filled, laughter-fueled conference is jam-packed with a

variety of keynote speeches, four pre-conference workshops along with

over 50 sessions filled with practical ideas you can use both

personally and on-the-job.

The HUMOR Project, Inc. <info@HumorProject.com>

480 Broadway, Suite 210

Saratoga Springs, NY 12866-2288

Promoting the positive power of humor & creativity in everyday life

and work. www.HumorProject.com

Watch this space for news of the 28th ANNUAL O.HENRY PUN-OFF WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS coming this May in Austin Texas.

We wish you a happy healthy and pun filled 2005, and always remember,

A DAY WITHOUT PUNS IS LIKE A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE, THERE'S GLOOM FOR IMPROVEMENT

Volume 26, January 2005

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.

It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.

Executing Director: Gary Hallock, Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com, and visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation

Tempus sure does fugit! Here we are at the cheerful time of another year and Yule be happy to Noel still Carol lot for merriment and wordplay! So, it's hap punning for a New Year and the festive season. (copied from the holiday edition of the Pundit, December 2001)

California vintners in the Napa Valley area that primarily produces Pinot Blanc and Pinot Grigio have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic and will reduce the number of trips an older person has to make to the bathroom during the night.

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone! After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone..." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from sexhaustion.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and cried, "Good to see you, Onestone..."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest. He made love to her all that day. He made love to her all night. He made love to her all the next day, and all the next night but, Yellow Bird wouldn't die! The moral of this story?

1.My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

THE WASHINGTON POST'S STYLE INVITATIONAL once again asked readers to
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are a chosen few:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize that it was your money to start with.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
TWPSI continues...

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in
the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole

(These are taken from a collection of kid's puns in the annals of the POTY 2000, Dr. Stan Kegel)

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do
these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." (Shara Smock)

Why are fish such poor tennis players? Because they don't like to get too close to the net. (Bailey, 7)

Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, "The pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers." "Oh, yeah?" her grandson replied, "So why is their dad carrying that rifle?" (Robert Bryan)

Why was Elmo's report card all wet? Because his grades were all below "C" level! (Brittany, 11)

What did the geometry teacher say when she lost her parrot? Where's my polygon? (Andrea)

A red blood cell walked into a busy restaurant. The hostess asked, "Would you like to sit at the bar?" The red cell answered, "No thanks, I'll just circulate." (Stan Kegel)

A man goes to see his psychiatrist. He says, "Some days I think I'm
Mickey Mouse. Other days, I think I'm Donald Duck." The shrink says,
"How long have you been having these Disney spells?" (Ms. Scarlet)

We are going to announce the '10 Best Stressed Puns of 2004' at the start of 2005.

Please send in your choices for the 10 Best... We close this issue of the Pundit and wish you happy holidays and remind you that A DAY WITHOUT PUNS IS LIKE A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE, THERE'S GLOOM FOR IMPROVEMENT

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.

It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.