THE RESULTS

THE RESULTS
PunPunPun.com > O.HENRYPUN-OFF 2008 > THE RESULTS

THE RESULTS

Here are results from the 31st Annual O.Henry Pun-Off World Championships held in Austin, TX.

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PUNNIEST OF SHOW

First Place in P.O.S. went to Carmen Petrick of Austin/Houston, TX who scored an 39 out of a possible 40 points with the judges, delivering yet another of her outrageously clever pun-packed presentations, this time based on cars. (It appears she's not with automotive here.)

Second place honors went to Kara Templeton of Washington D.C. whose scored 36 points for her presentation on colleges and higher education. She may treat or matriculater with a sample of it.

Once again the third place tally showed no clear winner as four contestants shared the same score of 34 points. The bronze medallion was awarded by audience applause to our only contestant ever from down utter, Simon Friedlander of Austin/Sydney, Australia.

Dean & Morris Smoke The Competition

The Mother-Daughter team of Judy Dean & June Morris returned to the
Punniest of Show competition of the 2008 O. Henry Pun-Off World
Championships to entertain the audience with his dialogue on an
illegal drug.

And now a Mother Daughter Team Tries to Smoke the Competition

June: HIGH, Judy.
Judy: HAY, June.
June: Did you hear that HERB and MARY JANE got married?
Judy: No! Why didn't he MARRY JUANA, that RED HAIRED LADY?
June: Well, for one thing, she can't cook burned the HASH ...
Judy: No!
June: Yes, and she left the LID off the POT ...
Judy: No!
June: Yeah, it boiled over and made a STICKY ICKY mess all over the
JOINT...
Judy: No!
June: Yes, and she WASTED a CANNABIScuits - BAKED them at 240 instead
of 420.
Judy: No!
June: Yes. She served cinnaMUNCHIES toast for breakfast with STONED
cold eggs.
Judy: Ugh, no!
June: Yes, and she's a terrible housekeeper - ROACHES ZIG ZAG
everywhere...
Judy: Oh,no!
June: You should see the garbage and PAPERS STASHed all over!
Judy: Herb better DANK his lucky stars he didn't get HOOKED UP with her.
BUY the way, did you go to her BLOCK party?
June: No. Did you?
Judy: Yes, I did. At first, they were all HilaREFFER President!
But then they got FIRED UP for OBONGA, the GRASSroots candidate.
Personally, I think he's awfully GREEN, So young.
Do you know how old he is?
June: No.
Judy: Well, he looks THIRTEEN, BUD he's aHEAD in the polls, even
though he can't BOWL.
They say Hillary's popularity STEMS from her husband.
June: No! LEAF Bill out of it!
Judy: PIPE down! All I can say is WEED better get a Democrat elected.
DOOBIE quite BLUNT, I don't care if it's a TOKIN' woman or a TOKIN'
black.
June: Well, I hardly know what to say to that.
Judy: Just say NO - to BUSH.

David Williams - From Rags to Britches

Shopping for new clothes was the subject of David Williams entry at
the 2008 O. Henry Pun-Off World Championships earning 27 points.

My wife told me my DRESS needed REDRESS. Realizing my appearance is the FABRIC of her being we CANVASSED the area. We found a store about to CLOTHES. We decided to BOBBIN. My wife asked me, "is this really a FABRIC store? I said, "Yes, didn't you see DESIGN?" I told my wife, Listen! Do you hear that song? It's John LINEN. It was SHEER delight.
It was crowded. I told my wife to BUTTON to the front. I SIZED up the nervous clerk. I asked her "Why are you upset, you SEAMSTRESS, like you might be THREADENED. She replied, "I'm not CREWEL. I just don't COTTON to strangers. I dropped a coin in her tip jar in a SERGE of good TWILL.
I told my wife someone followed us into the shop. It turned out it was the TAILOR. I noticed his COLLAR & he was bald. He was a man of the CLOTH who needed MOHAIR. NEEDLED HEM and told HEM his work was sew sew but he said he would TOILE hard and reassured me he had good SPOOLING.
He then offered me some organic food. It was an ALTER RATION. It was the BASTE he could do. I told him I wanted a CREASE in my PAIR OF PANTS like the ones I saw on his web site. He said, "Oh, you want the DOT CORN PLEAT." He then tried to distract me and interest me in a brightly colored coat. I told him, "But I don't want a RED HERRINGBONE."
My wife said, "Just be TWEED the 2 of us, Let's go" and I replied, "WEAVE just got here and it was in the STITCH of time. What, this place doesn't SUIT you? She said, "They were trying to FLEECE us and I FELT it coming. I thought "That's just CREPE, they were trying to pull the WOOL over our eyes and EYELET it happen.
We decided to DART out of there and left in a ZIP. As we left, his dog made a strange howl. I told my wife "That was a WARPED WOOF".
Thank you for allowing me to SPIN this YARN.

Aaron Aiken - A Racy Story

Aaron Aiken received a score 0f 28 in the Punniest of Show competition
at the 31st O. Henry Pun-Off World Championships with this monologue
on horse racing.

I'd like to start off with a disclaimer: this topic may get a little
RACY. The MANE reason I'm up here is to admit that my name is Aaron,
and yes, I am a punster. The truth is, I've been punning long before,
even dating back to my EUTHANASIA. My puns got less intelligent in
high school, especially since I BLUEGRASS my entire senior year.

My NEIGH-saying SECRETARIAT work thinks most of them don't even make
any sense, and that may be my one PREAKNESS. That, and she says I've
got a DERBY mind, though we haven't talked since I caught a COLT from
her, not to mention JOCKEY itch.

Since I discovered the Pun Off, I've finally found a way to release my
PINTO pun aggression, and that's no PONY statement. Some punsters here
have perfected the STALL tactic, while I prefer to just spout nonsense
with my bad case of T-ROTs.

A recent GALLUP poll indicated that puns may be hazardous to your
health, but I think I've kept myself in STABLE condition. Therefore,
my REIN of terror at the Pun Off continues and it MUSTANG your ears to
keep hearing these monologues of mine. You KENTUCKY your head in your
hands listening to this filth now, even if you MINT JULEP at what I'm
saying.

The judges here sure won't have TRIPLE CR0WN-ing a winner today, as I
paid them THOROUGHBRED so I trust they'll make the right decision. I
know you guys have had your FILLY me today, and I hope you've enjoyed
TRACK-ing my progress over the years. I'd love to stay and tell the
rest of this SADDLE story, but I'm a little HORSE.

I Scream - John Adair

The script of Jon Adair's first presentation at the 31st O. Henry Pun-
Off World Championships Punniest of Show competition includes visual
and pronunciation stage instructions.

I Scream

I need you all to do me a FLAVOR. This is my first time at the Pun-
Off, and I was unaware of the requirement of having exactly 31 puns in
my presentation, so please forgive me.

As I look back on the ROCKY ROAD of the current presidency, I say it's
time to put PEACH MINT back on the table. PEACH MINT I SCREAM!

This president has gotten a free ride for too long, but I'll give you
the straight SCOOP. He's been baskin' in the glow of an adoring
media-- BASKIN' and ROBBIN' the American people all the while.

"Too harsh," you say? "What about his good points?" "Tina Turner's
husband was much nicer when he was rapping."

You say I should looK UP to him, but I do not CONEdone the [Ike rhymes
or miss da meaner] side.

[aside, whispered] You may want to take out your Constitution [sight
gag] and refer to Article II, Section 4.

As Chico Marx might have said, "We gaVE AN ILL-A-prepared individual
command of our CHIP of state, and of its galley. That CHIP is off
course, which means it will be delayed, and the food will be cold when
we get there. Very cold. You don't CHUCK A LATE CHIP. If you do that,
you'll be VERY VERY SORRY (slurred to sound like very berry
strawberry) later. You can CHUCK A LATE SHIP COOKIE, DOUGH, right over
da side."

After that, how can we get back on COURSE?

First we have to address the economy. I _hope_ we can trim the budget.
No, I _really_hope_ we can _squeeze_ the budget into shape. Come on,
all together, PRAY LEAN and CREAM the budget!

Let's do this old-school. If we learn to be OLD FASHIONED BETTER WE
CAN solve this problem.

Can things really change? I hear the drumbeats. I see the SMOKE U-
(slurred to sound like Jamoca)pon the horizon. PUH! STASH YO'
negativity. PUH! STASH ALL MUNDane thinking. I'm not NUTTY, and I'm
not FUDGing. He that HEED'TH my words will celebrate a CHEERY JUBILE
tomorrow.

And the President will get his just DESERTS.

I know, for I have seen the future.

[sight gag/visual pun: ice cream cone which says "dip" on it is
inverted to form a dunce cap which still says "dip". Horizontally
striped prisoner's shirt makes a "dip in stripes", a play on "dippin'
dots", which bills itself as the ice cream of the future.]
(John Adair, May 2008)

Linda Eldredge's Punniest of Show Monologue at the 2008 O. Henry Pun-
Off World Championships received a score of 34 placing her in a tie
for third with three other contestants.

Lee's Internet Dating

Lee was a happy woman who wanted to find that special someone. She got
TANGLED in the WEB of Internet dating.

The astronaut kept SPACING out and missing LAUNCH. The baseball player
smelled FOUL! The candle maker was too WICK-ED. Lee didn't want to be
the captain's FIRST MATE. She didn't CLICK with the computer nerd, who
was MICRO-SOFT. The cowboy LASSOED her heart, but left on the SPUR of
the moment.

The engineer couldn't make WHOO-WHOO-PIE. The explosives specialist
just didn't put FIRE IN THE HOLE. Lee didn't enjoy the farmer's DAIRY
AIR. The fisherman was a MASTER BAITER, but she wasn't REELY HOOKED on
him. The golfer turned out to be a BOGEYman. The hippie was just a
TOKIN' boyfriend. The lumberjack AXED too many questions.

The male carrier was gay, and wouldn't pick up FE-MAILS. The
motorcyclist kept HOGGING the conversation. The physicist got tied up
in his G-STRING THEORY, and couldn't provide the BIG BANG. The pirate
just wouldn't SHAKE HIS BOOTY. The plumber DRAINED her energy. It was
WRENCHING! The psychiatrist's gifts to her were all SHRINK-WRAPPED.
The punster couldn't keep up WIT her.

The racecar driver went too fast, and she had to THROTTLE him. The
realtor was SUB-PRIME. The rifleman couldn't get COCKED when he was
LOADED. The sailor was always NAVAL GAZING. The Scotsman tried to
SKIRT the issues. This KILT the relationship. The single dad just
wanted Lee to babysit, but she would have none of his SHE-NANNY-gans.
The snake handler wasn't CHARMING. The streaker was UNSUITABLE. The
stylist just CURLED UP AND DYED. The trapeze acrobat was only
interested in SWINGING.

When Lee had some photos developed, her PRINTS finally came, and they
lived HAPPY-LEE ever after!

© 2008 by Linda Eldredge, Ed.D.
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The Playoffs on TV -- Bertrand Pibion's

Bertrand Pibion's dialogue from the 2008 Punniest of Show at the O.
Henry Pun-Off World Championships. Before starting he explains what is
to come:

This is a commercial break in a playoff, beginning with several
"Public Service Announcements" and then an ad, with a prop to identify
it:

The Playoffs on TV

These important messages are brought to you by the NFBBL Players
Association

Remember, the wind is fragile. Please do not break it.

If you are caught taking a leak, you could be PENALized. If you
return it, no questions will be asked.

Stealing chickens runs aFOUL of the law.

To avoid the appearance of cruelty to animals, do not say, "don't beat
a dead horse". Instead say, "don't be hippo-POSTHUMOUS"

The united nations is announcing a worldwide plan to rid horses of
parasites. If you own a horse, contact the UN and ask about its plan
for GLOBAL WORMING.

(TV Ad)

If you own a serpent, this message is for you. Does your serpent
appear "HISSLESS"? Does your krait look "EMPTY"? Is your viper in
the "PITS" or does it no longer "RUSTLE"? Does your python have
"IRRETICULARITY"? do you have a "FET-TERED" BOA? Is your mamba
"NUMBA"? Do you have a "SORE ASP"? Does your side-winder have
"WRIGGLE MORTIS"?

Ask your veterinarian if "Viagarattler" is right for your snake.

"Viagarattler" will give you a keen cobra, make your krait great,
hyper your viper, and put the boom back in your slang.

Bertrand Pibion 5/2008

PUNSLINGERS (Formerly HL/LP)
Sparring in the final 3-way heat on the topic of "ANIMAL BODY PARTS," were Valerie Ward, Satya Manz and Matt Pollock, all of Austin. Satya fell first, a clear victim of Manzlaughter, while Pollock valiantly held off Valerie long enough to claim a silver medal in 2nd place. Ward emerged as the clear winner. Apparently the crowd loves watching her pull things off. Keep Austin Ward!
Valerie Ward , Matt Pollock AND Satya Manz

mmMVP AWARD & other highlights.
Last year's crowd favorite, Eirik Ott delivered another devastating poetic slam entitled "File sharing," but his presentation fell several points short of placing in the P.O.S. event. By a vote of her peers, Valerie Ward of Austin, TX took home her second mmMVP trophy and, of course, the admiration of many. Her "Damsel in dis-dress" comic strip-tease was the high point of the afternoon and my eyes are still numb.
With the exception of a thinly disguised contestant curiously named "Mr E.," who did well but failed to survive to the final round, we had no champions return to defend a title. Joe Sabia was unable to travel again from California and the weary bouts of Arthur Simone remains a Mr E.
Corngratulations to all contestants and participants. The event was well attended and the weather was quite cooperative. More details later. Watch the WWWebsite punpunpun.com for transcripts of many P.O.S. routines, photos, links to video and many other interesting things.

At the 2008 O. Henry Pun-Off World Championships, William Dylan Powell
received a score of 31 with the original program on brand names and
slogans.

The presentation can be seen on You tube at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1HK6xdOJNFM
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By William Dylan Powell

And we were IN GOOD HANDS WITH ALLSTATES^TM of being. GE--I do BRING
GOOD THINGS TO LIFE^TM, thought the Lord. GOOD TO THE LAST DROP^TM. But
while NOTHING RUNS LIKE A DEERE^TM, I really do need a little INTEL
INSIDE^TM. So using his KRAFT^TM, he became a PROCTOR & GAMBLEd on
MANWICH^TM may have been a mistake.

And then he created woman, THIS BUD'S FOR YOU^TM. Adam asked Eve: Pardon
me but do you TANGUERAY^TM? Eve said, I think the idea is a CAPITAL
ONE^TM, but WHAT'S IN YOUR WALLET^TM? Because while I appreciate DEBEERS^TM,
A DIAMOND IS FOREVER^TM.

I am the King, said the Lord, and you can HAVE IT YOUR WAY^TM except
keep your HEINZ^TM away from the tree of knowledge, and don't let me
KETCH y'UP there.

And the whole thing was on TARGET^TM until that UNDERWOOD DEVILED HAM^TM
showed up and asked Eve how about a little APPLE^TM? THINK DIFFERENT^TM.

Oh, No, said Eve, "The Lord would WISK^TM me away and RING AROUND MY
COLLAR^TM."

This ain't the ARMY-said the serpent. BE ALL YOU CAN BE^TM. LEXUS^TM join
together in the RELENTLESS PURSUIT OF PERFECTION^TM.

And so she took a bite out of crime really began right about then, as
thunder crashed across the VERISON^TM and God asked: "CAN YOU HEAR ME
NOW^TM?"

And Adam, running as fast as he could said: "This is a salt! WHEN IT
RAINS IT POURS! ^TM" Eve screamed: "I know, I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET
UP! ^TM" And henceforth, both were ashamed of their LAY'S^TM. (William
Dylan Powell)

Gy Odom - Stand-Up Bunch'a Guys

Gy Odom tied for 3rd in the 2008 O. Henry Pun-Off World Championships
Punniest of Show with this tribute to the comedians of today.

"Stand-Up Bunch'a Guys"

It's kind of my dream to be a stand-up comic. DAVE, ATTELL'ya, I think
I've got the STEVEN WRIGHT stuff for it, in DAVID SPADES. That rush
when you get a booking and you wanna be there with BELZER on, assuming
you don't have a RICHARD PRYOR engagement, so you fly someplace like
Silver City-or it's Jewish neighbor, GOLDBERG (I'm so glad you got
that, WHOOPI!)

But, the comic's job, IZZARD. What if your mouth goes all dry and you
start to KAUFMAN, or what if a heckler shouts CHAPELLE-mell until a
headache starts to POUNDSTONE. Or what if the crowd just does not want
to hear your set, like the fans of that Blue Collar Tour? Sheesh, what
a bunch of BILL HICKS. They really make you wonder KINISON be his own
uncle? They're all RON WHITE guys, not a single LEWIS BLACK face in
that crowd. I'd hate a crowd like that, 'cuz A, they can be closed-
minded, and COSBY, they're all crazy like a REDD FOX-WORTHY to get
DAVID CROSS with you, they might GARAFAOLO you home.

I don't need to CARVEY out a niche, my jokes are for all, straight,
gay, or VAN DYKEs. Okay, that word is a bit loaded, let's just say
"women who said "MEN-CIA!" (Girls like that are ELLEN a handbasket) I
also don't want to do that frat-boy, catchphrase style that's so easy
it could be done by a Swedish janitor, or a...DANE COOK. Not that that
style is SINBAD, mind you, but I wanna be HEDBERG and shoulders above
the rest.

I've studied the HENNY YOUNGMAN, and young women, who have come
before, and gleaned every BERLE of wisdom that RICKLES down from their
mouths. Bottom line, sometimes you've gotta take a BRUCE to your ego,
and believe me, I've had LENNY. But if everything in your life isn't
coming up ROSEANNEs, all you can do it grin and COLBERT it, even if it
BILL MAHERs your spirit. Some days you're name's on that sign, up in
lights, and some days you find your SEINFELD, and that just GEORGE
BURNS. But I don't care...I can hear it BILLY CRYSTAL clear: the stage
is CARLIN my name.

The date for next year's contest has been set for May 16, 2009 at the O.Henry Museum in Austin, TX.
You're welcome,

Click on one of these links to ketchup on this year's Punniest of Show
offerings.

William Dylan Powell
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1HK6xdOJNFM

Eirik Ott
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgZc8pLgXsE&feature=related

the PunSlingers contest.

This one is the 3-way final round between Valerie Ward, Satya Manz and Matt Pollock on the topic of "animal body parts."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=16XKDGX7l3c
Here's another posted by the same person. It's the first bout of the "second round" between Kara Templeton and Steve Nagle. The topic is "Facial features and expressions."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VexFjZfgVqo&NR=1
Also here's another YouTube link for Eirik Ott's actual performance. The earlier one was just his practice.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TIdlwoKm_4w&feature=related

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