The International Save the Pun Foundation Communiqué

The 10 Best Stressed Puns of 2000

To be released on January 1^st 2001. For more information email us at ngilbert@punpunpun.com or visit us at http://www.punpunpun.com/ on the Internet.

            As we continue our work to overcome ill literacy, we are delighted by the growing worldwide support for the efforts of the International Save the Pun Foundation, the world's largest and fastest growing apocryphal society,

 to increase the interest in reading by spreading the pleasure of wordplay through its monthly newsletter, "The Pundit". 

One of the stories chosen from the pages of the Pundit for the International Save the Pun Foundation's Ten Best Stressed Puns of the Year list was about a little girl, who asked her mother,

 "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

 Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough!"

"If I find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

            A man charged into a doctor's office. He ran past the receptionist and shouted excitedly, "Doctor, I think I'm shrinking!"

"Calm down," said the physician. "You'll just have to learn to be a little patient."

            Sign on the gate of a cemetery: INTER HERE.

            A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class. "In English a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back piped up, "YEAH, RIGHT!"

2000 saw many companies' mergers. Here are a few that graced the pages of the Pundit:  Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company got together to form, HALE MARY FULLER GRACE.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become POLLY-WARNER-CRACKER.

3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGOOD.

John Deere and Abitibi-Price become DEERE ABI.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining
merge to become ZIP AUDI DO DA.

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become

HONEY I'M HOME.

Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing Reproductive Organs.

3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and
become THE 3 PENNEY OPERA.

            A Doberman, a Bulldog and the Taco Bell Chihuahua where sitting in a bar. In sweeps a beautiful female Collie who cooed, "Whoever can use the words liver and cheese in the same sentence can have me."

"I love liver and cheese," barked the Doberman.

"I hate liver and cheese," growled the Bulldog.

"Liver alone cheese mine," won the Chihuahua.

            The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"
The guy answers, "A scotch, please."
The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars,"
"What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you
beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. The bartender says, "What
the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity
to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"

The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

"Thank you. Make it a scotch."

            Sign In a pet shop window,

"Every customer receives a free legless parakeet. No perches necessary."

            "Bartender, got any specials today?"

Yes, we have Pabst Blue Ribbon mixed with Smirnoff Vodka."

"What the heck is that?"

"We call it a PABST SMIR!"

I used to work in an orange juice factory, until I got canned. Yeah,
they put the squeeze on me, said I couldn't concentrate. You know, same
old boring rind over and over again. Then I became a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.  I worked in a muffler factory, until I got exhausted. As a barber, I just couldn't cut it. I started cooking then, and became a chef, I figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just ran out of thyme.

As a musician, I just wasn't noteworthy, and I didn't have the patients to be a doctor.

A penal colony was buried in a glacial avalanche a hundred years ago. They've only just now excavated it and it's believed that with modern techniques some of the inmates may be successfully defrosted and brought to life. Technically, all of these hardened criminals would have served out their sentences by now and would be free to rejoin society. There has been some debate as to whether this is a good idea.

(As you may imagine, there are many frozen cons being presented but nothing can be done until the idea is fully thawed out.)

The two major party presidential candidates agreed that Americans
are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment.
However, they disagreed on the details. The republican candidate, George
W. Bush, stated that there is too much bloody violence in the movies and
on television.  Vice President Al Gore, his democratic opponent, stated
meanwhile that the media present Americans with too much sex and frontal
nudity. In other words, Bush says there is too much Gore and Gore says
there is too much Bush.

"As we continue to combat illiteracy with humour," comments Norman Gilbert, Chairman of the Bored, "we hope that more people will join the Foundation by sending for membership to

The International Save the Pun Foundation

P.O. Box 5040,

Station "A"

Toronto Ontario, Canada

M5W 1N4."

Remember our motto; A day without puns is like a day without sunshine; there's gloom for improvement.

February 2001

We have all become accustomed to the conveniences of a modern bank. While there have been moneylenders throughout the ages, full service banks are a relatively new phenomenon.

Molan Cache is usually considered the man who developed modern banking, as we know it today.

He enlisted the aid of Tomas Benes, the Count of Prague and chief financial advisor of King Charles II. The two were able to convince the Bohemian monarch to finance this new experiment in banking. So really, ... credit should go to a Czech king, a count and Cache.

(Catherine Smith-Resnick checks in with this account)

♥♥♥♥

Why does the waitress hate to see the group from the Czech Republic come in to the restaurant?  They're

all separate Czechs. (a tip from Carol Ann Brown, DDS.)

♥♥♥♥

Signs on the dotted line ...........

At a radiator shop (A-1 Radiator)
"Best Place in Town to take a Leak"

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber," and "We believe a flush beats a full house."

 At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

On the door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

♥♥♥♥

On an electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area:
" If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and we will
take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come
to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait.

At the electric company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you
don't, you will be."

In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
 

♥♥♥♥

Directed to us from the halls of Executing Director, Gary Hallock, come these doctors' notes on patients' charts.  (Unedited!!)

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in
1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you
might like to work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in the ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her adult
life, until she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
25. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities."

..And these originals from Gary and his friends at PUNY:

Ever wonder how small a car would have to be in Japan to be
considered "compact?" Perhaps it would be called an Iota.

A guy who speculatively purchases real estate near a proposed lake should be known as "Dam site bettor."

In the competition for the title of "Miss Prune," imagine how
embarrassing it would be if you finished "number two?"  Yes I also
remember the "Fecal Finger of Fate Award" on Laugh-In. I was never really able to finger out what was so funny about it but it just
about wiped out my friends. (No bun intended)

Madam cure these diseases:

Pullman area trombonesis - Heart trouble suffered by jazz musicians
riding on a train with sleeper cars.

My old car deal infarction - Suffered by used automobile salesmen when they undervalue a trade-in.
Jenny tail hairpiece - A scalp infection caused by wearing a wig made from mule hair.

Ex-ma - Skin inflammation brought on by visits from your former mother-in-law.
 
 Authorwritis - writer's cramp

Asian flew - affects pilots for JAL

Dire rear - truck driver's most common complaint-piles.

AllahJeeze - cause clergy to sneeze

Pullman airy edema - afflicts sleeping car porters.

New moon ya - a lung disease suffered only by members of two groups: Sigmund Romberg fans and nudists.

I am going through a binge of watching TV game shows these days.  One of my favorites is

"Win Ben Stein's Money."

It's kind of like "Jeopardy" with an attitude.  Most of the question categories have puns, for example:

"He was a little sonata-nosed brat"
 with questions about composers.

"His face rates a six but his assassinate" with questions about McKinley's assassination.

"Vonnegut naked?" with questions
about one of Kurt Vonnegut's books.

"Mary Had A Little Lamborghini."

with questions about Italian cars.

                    ♥♥♥♥

Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes and it's our
job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with. (Susie Mundy)

♥♥♥♥

  Happy Valentine's Day.

♥ We love you. ♥

"A day without puns is like a day without sunshine. There's gloom for improvement."

As the drill sergeant reminds us,  "Forward March"

Volume 22 February 2001

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership is $125. (Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.)

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Pruf-reedr: Jean Sturdy

Deskstuff and full time critic:RosannaBorgh

Executing Director: Gary Hallock

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

 Box 5040, Station A,

 Toronto Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

Email to ngilbert@punpunpun.com

Visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

The Chicago Chapter of the International Save the Pun Foundation cordially invites you to attend The Sweet 16th Annual Bank-Wit!
Sunday, April 1, 2001 at 5 pm
Como Inn, 546 N. Milwaukee Avenue, Chicago

Come laugh all the way to the Bank-Wit!  We trust it will be an evening of fund and games that you will always treasure. You can bank on it!  (And if you don't, it's not our vault.)  Save the date, don't spend the evening a loan.  Come check it out!  You'll be bouncing off the walls.  We're accounting on you to be there.  Bring your relatives, especially your finance. If you're considering not coming, we hope you will coin a flip and change your mind!

The event will begin with a cash bar at 5:00 pm, followed by dinner, entertainment, and pun contests.  To capital off, the Punster of the Year award will be presented to Boston-based filmmaker and comedian Gary Roma.  Gary will be on the bill, relating his story of making a film based upon his favorite book-The Dictionary: A word travels back in time to try to prevent another word from coming into usage in the future.  Arnold Schwarzenegger is The Terminologist!
_______________________________________

Please reserve ____ tickets for me @ $40 each. 
Total enclosed ______
Name, ___________________________________________
Address,___________________Zip/Postal Code____________________

Telephone ______________________ 
E-mail _________________________

Please make checks payable to Joyce Heitler,

7450 N. Maplewood, Chicago, IL 60645. 

For more information, call (773) 973-3523.

 See you there!

Words from the POTY elect, Gary Roma,

 "Jest wanted tool etch Juneau that I have been named the "Punster of the Year. It's that thyme again!  The fennel date has been set for the annual dinner. Lettuce just say that if you carrot all for wordplay, you should turnip!  (And if you've bean before, you know it's a gas!)  Where else can you find tables set with spoonerisms and knaves?  Forks from all over the country will be letting the good tines roll! See you on April 1^st in Chicago.

JJJ

Baseball season is fast approaching, and Lewis O'Brien makes a hit with this historical story. It strikes us that this has been batted around a bit, but deserves this pitch one more time.

PRILEP, Yugoslavia (AP) - Outside a small Macedonian village close to the border between Greece and strife-torn Yugoslavia, a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of the site of significant historical developments spanning more than 2,000 years.

When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies, the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch of
Macedonia will close the convent of St. Elias. However, that isn't likely to happen soon, as Sister Maria, 53, enjoys excellent health. By her own estimate, she walks 10 miles daily about the grounds of the convent, which once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun.                          

In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site. Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in 439 A.D. and used it as a base for his marauding army.

The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site. It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system, and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple. Scholars differ on why he had the valuable documents destroyed -- either because he was barely literate or couldn't read them, or because they provided evidence of democratic government that did not square with his own notion of rule by an all-powerful tyrant.
When the Greek Church took over the site in the 15th Century and the convent was a built, a church leader ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base. And that's how it ends:

NO HUNS, NO WRITS, NO EROS, AND NUN LEFT ON BASE.

JJJ

The Phone Call
A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle.
During her struggle the phone rang.  "Answer the phone," she shouted to her four-year old daughter.
"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now, she's hitting the bottle."

Employment Rules
My daughter applied for a job and when she returned home, her
mother asked how the interview went. She replied, "Pretty well I think,
but if I go to work there I won't get a vacation unless I'm married."
Her mother of course, had never heard of such a thing and asked, "Is
that what they told you?

She replied, "No they didn't tell me that, but on the application it said 'Vacation time may not be taken until you've had your 'First Anniversary.'"

A Pick-Up Line
"How about us spending a romantic weekend in a nice quiet hotel?" he
whispered in the beautiful lady's ear.
"I'm afraid," she said,""hat my awareness of your proclivities in the
esoteric aspects of sexual behavior precludes you from such erotic confrontation."
"I don't get it," he said.
"Right !! " she replied.

The Prisoner
During World War II, a mechanic was making a routine test flight with a
bomber that accidentally drifted off course and over enemy territory. The
plane was shot down and the mechanic taken prisoner.
Not knowing his area of expertise, the prison camp leader placed him in
charge of the chickens. Every day he would collect scraps of metal and
wood and, eventually, he constructed a certified engine and a pair of wings.
One morning when the officers called roll they found he had attached
the wings and engine to the chicken shed and flown the coop.

JJJ

Thoughts from cyberspace:

Plumber: A drain surgeon.

 (Leopold Fechtner)

Christopher Robin Hood steals from the rich and gives to the Pooh.
(Aaron Dragushan)

"I am" is the shortest sentence in the English Language. "I do" is the
longest! (Don Thorn)

I bought a ten-pound bag of charcoal. My wife asked me to get some
charcoal lighter, so I exchanged it for a five-pound bag. (Scot Nelson)

Bisexual: One for whom a miss is as good as a male. (M. Rose Pierce)

How come Los Angeles has these power shortages when LA is the only city I know of with its own Watts? (Megan Waves)

JJJ

These WONDERFUL puns come via the Hallowed Pen of

Executing Director, Gary Hallock:

I noticed that CBS is showing "Passenger 57" starring Wesley Snipes. Have you ever wondered why they didn't cast Gregory Hines in this
role?

Ever wonder whether the Tower of Pisa leans to the left or to the right?

Ever wonder why the new Julia Roberts movie isn't called "Erin
Wonderbrockovitch?"

Ever wonder why they opened that film on St. Patrick's Day and didn't
call it "Erin Gobraughkovitch?"

Ever wonder why H.G.Wells isn't plural and Kiss is?

Ever wonder if the staff at Sizzler considers that space below the
sneeze guard, "Salad area confinement?"

JJJ

On March the 8^th at sundown the celebration of Purim begins. And here is the story ~ by Meish Goldish of the
Punderful World of PURIM
The story of Purim is an international tale.
King Achashverosh was Finnish with his disobedient wife Vashti. "You
Congo now!" he ordered her.
After she had Ghana way, the king's messengers went Roman the land to
find a new queen. And India end, the beautiful Esther won the crown.
Meanwhile, Mordechai sat outside the palace, where the Chile Haman
would Czech up on him daily.
"I Haiti you because you refuse to bow to me!" Haman scolded Mordechai.
"USA very stubborn man. You Jews are such Bahamas! If you keep his up,
Denmark my words! I will have all your people killed! Just Kuwait and
see, you Turkey! "
Mordechai went into mourning and tore his clothes, a custom known as
Korea. He urged Esther to plead with the king.
The Jews fasted for three days and grew very Hungary. Esther approached the king and asked, "Kenya Belize come to a banquet I've prepared for you and Haman?"
At the feast, she invited her guests to a second banquet to eat Samoa.
The king asked, "Esther, why Jamaica big meal like this? Just tell me what you want. Unto half my United Kingdom will I give you."
Esther replied, "Spain full for me to say this, but Haman is Russian to
kill my people."
Haman's loud Wales could be heard as he carried Honduran this scene.
"Oman!" Haman cried bitterly. "Iraq my brains in an effort to destroy the Jews. But that sneaky Mordechai - Egypt me! "
Haman and his ten sons were hanged and went immediately to the Netherlands.
And to Sweden the deal, the Jews were allowed to Polish off the rest of
their foes as well. "You lost your enemies and Uganda friend," the king smiled.
And that is why the Purim story Israeli a miracle. God decided to China light on His chosen people.
So now, let's celebrate! Forget all your Syria's business and just be
happy! Serb up some wine and Taiwan on! Happy Purim!

JJJ

In April you will be showered with daffy tails of the Annual Dinner.

Volume 22 March 2001

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership is $125. (Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.)

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Pruf-reedr: Jean Sturdy

Deskstuff and full time critic:RosannaBorgh

Executing Director: Gary Hallock

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

 Box 5040, Station A,

 Toronto Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

Email to ngilbert@punpunpun.com

Visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

May 2001

Gary Roma, Punster of the Year, 2001

Filmmaker & Comedian

Gary performs his unique brand of pun-filled standup comedy at association conferences and universities nationwide.  His routine features the story of Gary making a film based upon his favorite book-The Dictionary: A word travels back in time to try to prevent another word from coming into usage in the future.  Arnold Schwarzenegger is The Terminologist. The International Save the Pun Foundation named Gary "Punster of the Year 2001".

Gary is writing a book "of and about words" that will include pun-filled stories, jokes, and essays.  It is scheduled to be published in 2002.

Puss in Books: Adventures of the Library Cat has been screened at the National Gallery of Art in Washington, DC, as well as having an extended run at the Museum of Fine Arts, Boston.  It has been screened at a dozen film and video festivals.  It won the Best Documentary Award at the United States 8mm Film and Video Festival as well as the Brooklyn Film Festival.  Puss in Books has been featured on Fox News Channel's nationally broadcast Pet News.

Gary's first film, Off the Ground & Off the Wall: A Doorstop Documentary, won numerous awards; was screened at over two-dozen film festivals in the United States, Canada, and England; and was broadcast nationally on Bravo and the Independent Film Channel.  It won the Best Documentary Award at the IAC International Film and Video Competition in England, the Brooklyn Arts Council Film and Video Festival, and the University of Cincinnati Film and Video Festival.

Gary is currently in production on his next film.  FLOSS! A Meditation on the Possibility of Change, is the story of how one man comes to grips with dental flossing-and so much more.  The film explores the broader topic of how to change old, deeply ingrained habits in our lives by using imagination to overcome cynicism.  Using the "floss problem" as a metaphor and microcosmic example, the film looks at how to bridge the gap between intention and action.  Gary has been awarded a grant for the production of FLOSS! from the Boston Film/Video Foundation, as part of the Massachusetts Media Fellowship Program.

JJJ

Gary Hallock was roped in to give us the following circular strings of pun sentences.

Note: Each line sets up the next line and each cluster ends with a line that circles back to the start:

What is a curly Eskimo?
A lariat is what a cowboy uses when he lassos.
When a lass sews, she uses a thread and needle.
Needle little help? Hire some lackeys.
If you lack keys you can't open locks.
Locks are good on Bagels.
Bay gulls hang out at the beaches.
Pregnant beaches get littered with beagles.
Beagles are good for blowing reveille.
Reveille is cheese or meat stuffed in pasta.
An impasta is someone in disguise.
Disguise look beautiful above the plains.
Planes fly in disguise way up high.
A pie is used to find a circle's area.
Aria is the part of the opera where I sing.
Icing is what you use to decorate a cake.
A kayak is a small boat used by a curly Eskimo.
What's a curly Eskimo? "Hey Moe, where's Larry at?"

JJJ

The Smithsonian Institute in Washington, DC, has an exhibit about the Vikings and their exploration of North America over 1000 years ago. 
They decided to take a Leif from history for the exhibit.

JJJ

A retired navy commander read that the ship he had commanded
for 20 years was being taken out of the fleet and put out to salvage.
Friends of the commander said he was saddened to hear that they
grounded the warship he walked on. Irwin Weintraub, Brooklyn.

JJJ

Lee Daniel Quinn asks,

WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN:

The Yoko club? Oh no.

The German philosophy club?    
 I. Kant.

The Ford-Nixon club?           
Pardon me?

The Arafat club?               
Yassir.

The Ebert movie club?          
Roger.

The Groucho Marx club?         
You bet your life.

The Peter Pan club?            
Never. Never.

The Japanese theater club?     
Noh.

The quarterback club?          
I'll pass.

The Rhett Butler club?         
I don't give a damn.

The compulsive rhymers club?   
Okey-dokey.

The Spanish optometrists club? 
Si.

The anti-perspirant club?      
Sure.
The pregnancy club?             
Conceivably.

The procrastinators club? 
Maybe next week.

The Self-Esteem Builders club? 
They probably won't accept me.

The Agoraphobics Society? 
Only if they meet at my house.

The Co-Dependence Club? 
Can I bring a friend?
 

JJJ

"VISUALIZE WHIRLED PEAS"

(Bumper Sticker)

JJJ

"What's the difference between a
prizefighter and a person with a cold? One knows his blows and the other blows his nose."

JJJ

An advertisement for a carpet company seen on a billboard south of Imola.

"SOLD BY THE YARD--WORN BY THE FOOT"

I have discovered that the flu is both affirmative and negative.
Sometimes the eyes have it and sometimes the nose. (Andy Chap)

Bob Hope suggests that there ought to be a satisfied patient's testimonial in a clinic's brochure for breast augmentation surgery that would end with, "THANKS FOR THE MAMMARIES."

JJJ

Do the pregnant wives of race car drivers attend Lemans class?

JJJ

If a necrophiliac were laid in his grave, would he be a lucky stiff?

JJJ

I went out to dinner last night but had a very difficult time deciding
between soup and salad or an entree.  The love of two courses is never easy. Bon appetit! to you
Anita Moravec Gard.

JJJ

THE HUMAN CANNONBALL

The result of a breech birth, he was a man of high caliber; though some considered him a big bore.  He was hired and fired in the same day, had a high net income, and spent his vacations at the Grand Cannon.  At his death, the Pope canonized him. (Shot to us by Allen Warren.)

This was leftover from Passover:

I have a secret way to leaven bread but you have to promise not to show anyone; it is "for your rise only". First you get ten breads.  Then you get one more, and now you have eleven breads.

JJJ

And so as we come to a close of this May issue, I once again congratulate Gary Roma, POTY   2001, and remind you that we'll be June what comes naturally as Gary Hallock, the word's best host, will report on the O.Henry Pun-off, and give us the name of the World's Champion Punster who will be crowned in Austin Texas.

JJJ

As always, remember that a day without puns is like a day without sunshine. There's gloom for improvement.

Volume 22 April 2001

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership is $125. (Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.)

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Pruf-reedr: Jean Sturdy

Desk stuff and full time critic:RosannaBorgh

Executing Director: Gary Hallock

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

 Box 5040, Station A,

 Toronto Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

Email to ngilbert@punpunpun.com

Visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

July 2001

From the punhalls of Hallock
 
In theory, housebreaking your puppy may seem like a fine idea, but it doesn't look good on paper.

Will Rogers said, "I never met a man I didn't like."
Franz Kafka said, "I never metamorphosis I didn't like."

Perhaps the vice-president of China should be known as the

"Co-mandarin chief."

There's a very strange disease going around that makes people
suddenly begin speaking with a London accent. It's caused
by the strepto-cockney virus.

I was making ham sandwiches recently when I suddenly realized I'd come to the end of my bread loaf. I usually don't have much trouble making ends meat, but this loaf kept healing up on me.

I have a very lazy pet snake. He can sleep for hours on end. When he gets really tired he'll turn around and sleep another four hours on the other end.

Everyone knows that Saint Christopher is the patron of travelers, but do you know which goddess protects you at the beginning of each journey? -

Venus de mile 0.

A friend was telling me a story about an alligator that tried to
swallow a rhino tail first, but he never got to the point.

I saw a photo recently of a fellow in Egypt who was urinating in the
midst of a crowd of elderly gentlemen. He was the great peer amid geezers. When the cops caught up with him they probably busted his Cheops.

 A few years back the U.S. Postal Service issued a series of postage
stamps featuring movie stars from Hollywood's golden age. Thinking
they would be valuable someday, I stocked up on a bunch of these
and now I'm stuck with way too many of the ones that feature the lovely Miss Loy. In fact I still have the ream of the 8-cent Myrna.

JJJ

Steve Brooks who wrote and performed the winning story, at the O.Henry Punoff,  "Inhale to the Chief", reprinted in the June 2001 Pundit, can be reached at:

4905 Gladeview Drive
Austin, TX 78745
512-440-7668
steve@stevebrooks.net
http://www.stevebrooks.net/

JJJ

Tyler G. Kaus has just released a book called "PUNSAPOPPIN'" Here's one of the entries in Tyler's tome of tomorrow.

A beauty shop owner was frantic. Her only other hairdresser quit on Wednesday, and there were a lot of customers with appointments for Saturday. She could not possibly handle all of them by herself, so she placed a help wanted ad in the local paper. On Friday, she had three applicants to interview. But they were all terrible. That evening, she was in a horrible mood, because she had to call on a lot of her customers to cancel their appointments. Her husband, noticing her bad mood, said to her: "What's the matter? I've never seen you so upset!"   She replied," I've had a bad hire day!"

Look for a kaupy of the Kaus work at your nearest, or for that matter, any book store.

The following come from the punophiles of Stan Kegel POTY 2000, "Puns of the Weak, with blame given to the authors:

"I used to command a battalion of German ants," said Tom exuberantly. (Dave Tozier)

In the immortal words of Eli Whitney, keep your cotton-picking hands off my gin! 

On a diet?  Go to the paint store.  You can get thinner there.

Grumbled the new groom at dinner: "Why can't you make bread like my mother does?" Answered his bride, "Why can't you make dough like my
father does?"

The cost of feathers has risen... Now even down is up!

(Renee from Napa)

Nothing succeeds like a budgie. (Trevor Mytton)

Ecumenical: Learning to get along with the opposite sects.

(M. Rose Pierce)

Postpartum: Saying goodbye to the mailman. (John Fenn)

Spilt Milk: Udder waste.

(Leonard Fechtner) 

Compare an insomniac and a retail butcher? One stays awake; the other weighs a steak (Stan Kegel).

A salmon's progeny asks, "Am I a fish or an egg?" Mother answers,
"Roe, Roe, Roe, you're both." (Cynthia MacGregor)
 
What's the difference between a bombastic pun-off contestant and a
car-chasing canine on a hot day? One puns and rants, the other runs and pants.  (Karen Hamilton)

If you want to be instrumental in tuning up these plays on words, Don't phone me.  Xylophone you (John S. Crosbie) 

 In 1974 Shirley Temple Black was appointed U.S. Ambassador to Ghana. To celebrate, gala parties were planned at both the Swiss and British embassies. Ambassador Black's assistants made plans for her to attend both fetes, but the Ambassador made it clear she wanted no part of a two-ball legation. (Harry Farkas)

Southpaw: A man who raises his children below the Mason-Dixon line. (Leonard Fechtner)

What did one mosquito say to the other after feasting on Robinson
Crusoe? See you on Friday.

(James D. Ertner)

On this day in 1920, the first corn auction was conducted, producing the first auction ears in the bidness. (Patrick Kincaid)

A man named Bill Lear built jets
And was eccentric by all bets
His daughter's name, I hear
Was Crystal Shanda Lear
Now ain't that as weird as it gets.
(Ken Pinkham)

Our local humane society had an overabundance of cats. To deal with the surplus they posted a notice: "Laptops Available.  Mouse not included."

(Donna Eiker)

I have a secret way to leaven bread but you have to promise not to show anyone; it is "for your rise only." First, you get ten breads. Then you get one more, and now you have eleven breads.

How's your job at the pie company? It didn't pan out. (Rohit)

One who does magic tricks with bandages is a wizard of gauze. (Gill Krebs)

"They say it's a cart that a chief Tibetan monk used to carry around a large animal he brought back from South America." "The Dalai Lama's llama dolly!" (Bob Thaves)

When we were kids, ten cents was big money. How dimes have changed!  (Doug Aiken)

Biology: The study of shopping. (Jon D.)

What's the most common crime committed by transvestites? Male fraud (North Coast Express)

Liability: Talent for prevarification. (Brandy Brandon)

When I was young, my family was really poor. Everything I wore - socks, shirts, even handkerchiefs - had been darned over and over by my mother. I wasn't the smartest or the handsomest, but I sure was the best-darned kid in the neighborhood. (Paul Benoit)

Sign In a Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."  (Fran Lebowitz)

Physiology: The study of carbonated drinks. (Jon)

If Satan ever loses his hair, there will be hell toupee. (Tom Nicastri)

Curiosity: A metropolis full of knickknacks, antiques and artwork. (Stan Kegel)

Many a poet has learned that rhyme doesn't pay.  (Richard Lederer) 

Daffynitions:

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray'-ter\  A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl'\  What a Matador tries to do

Baloney \buh-lo'-nee'\ Where some hemlines fall.

Bernadette \burn'-a-det'\ the act of torching a mortgage.

Counterfeiters \kown'-ter-fit'-ers\  Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Summer fun, and we've just begun.

See you as August of fresh err is human...and always remember that "A day without puns is like a day without sunshine, there's gloom for improvement."

Volume 22 July 2001

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership is $125. (Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.)

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Pruf-reedr: Jean Sturdy

Desk stuff and full time critic: RosannaBorgh

Executing Director: Gary Hallock

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

 Box 5040, Station A,

 Toronto Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

Email to punpunpun@home.com

Visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

September 2001

Mack Rowe has written a new book. "Yes, it's finally happened," said Mack, "after months and months and months of working thru many computer quagmires. I just kept saying, 'I think icon, I think icon.' Lo! It's happened. The little train got all its ducks in a Rowe. Watch this space for a full review of Mack's pfun pfilled tome.

JJJ

Puns 'n riddles 'n other stuff rounded up in Texas, by Executing Director,

Gary Hallock:

DEFINITIONS:

Blanket: What you do to a disk with unwanted data. (Phil Hudson)

Avalanche: In our house, we have a breakfast at eight and we always
avalanche at 12.30. (Geoff Tibballs)

Auctioneer:  A man who looks forbidding. (Lexicon)

Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

Repealing: Sexton sounding the second service.  (J.A.Mc.)

Bigamist:  A man who loves not wisely but two well. (Lexicon)

Undertaker: The last guy to let you down (Stan Moger)

Attorney: Ligament damage (Trevor Mytton)

Polarize: What penguins see with. (Gunjan Saraf)

Seldom: My cousin gave me two tickets to the Knick's game, so I seldom. (Michael Rogers)

Dismantled: The New York Yankees after 1968. (Ray Hand)

Knighthood: Honor bestowed by a king to change the subject (Art. Moger)

Scabbard: A non-union poet (Stan Kegel)

Debutante: The first insult (Annie Shank)

Kindred: Fear of relatives (Michael Driscoll)

Parking Lot: A place where arguments start from scratch. (Gunjan Saraf)

Do you think it's true
That when my headaches, I scream?
Yes. It's a sherbet
(Haiku by Hallock)

My children prefer punishment in the heat of the moment rather than
waiting till I scold. (Alan F. G. Lewis)

Soda truth comes out! It was a sundae when Abe'n'Anna split. (Bill Rayborn)

"Why do you hang around with that sadist?"  "Beats me!" (Asa Sparks)

Steffi Graf is five months pregnant. This could be the first time that Andre Agassi has been pleased with a seeding. (Bill Scheft)

Never trust a man who talks with his mouth full. He is speaking
ingest. (Mike Bull)

Early to bid and early to raise makes a poor bridge player. (Louis A. Safian)

An electrician finally arrived at his house at 2 a.m. His wife was
waiting and said, "Wire you insulate?" The reply was "Watts it to you, I'm ohm ain't I?" (Don Wagner)

A city slicker asked a farm boy, "Do you like raisin bread?" The farm boy answered, "Dunno, never tried to raise any."   (Bree Schultz)
 
What clichéd analogy comes to mind when you see an unopened bag of Ruffles that has been crushed due to a sudden wild romantic encounter? These are like chips that passion denied. (Gary Hallock)

A new John Cleese movie tells the story of a man who lusts after the wife of Ted Turner:  "A Wish called Fonda." (Gary Hallock)

What might be a young person's parting words to his host as he pays for his low-cost overnight accommodations with a credit card? Hostel a Visa. (Gary Hallock)

What type of vehicle should you drive if you wish to have some influence over the amount of precipitation that falls?  An Alter Rain Vehicle. (Gary Hallock)

What is a whiff of communist perfume worth? Not a red scent  (Gary Hallock)

 
TOM SWIFTIES:
"My law partners and I have been found guilty of illegal activities,"
said Tom with firm conviction. (Gary Hallock)

"I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed. (Richard Lederer)

OTHERS:
Have you heard about the three would-be opera singers who went on tour, even though none of them could carry a tune? Their act is called The Three Tin-ears. (Richard Lederer)

When it comes to buying groceries, actors are not prudent consumers.  They prefer a small roll to a long loaf. (Sandra Maunello)

Bill went to the chiropractor, thinking that the chiropractor wouldn't be able to treat his chronic back pain. After a few minutes, his back felt like new. When the doctor asked, "How do you feel about chiropractors now," Bill replied, "I stand corrected!" (Stefanio Troia)

Are dog biscuits made from collie-flour? (Owen Lorion)

What was the tow truck trying to do in the auto race? Pull a fast one!
(Eric Watson)

A few months ago my five-year-old son informed us that he thought he was "black toast intolerant." (Michael Brunelle)

During a dark night in Killarney, a group of American tourists huddled in Durty Nellie's pub. A local Irishman sidled up to one of them and proposed a scheme to sell a cure for leprosy. "I'm sorry", one American said, stiffly. "I'm not Irish. I don't believe in leper cons. (Dave Coble)

Surely you know what liars do after they die. They lie still. (Art. Moger)

I went to school to become a wit, I only got halfway through.  (Bree Schultz)

The best way to keep your youth is not to introduce him to other people. (Francis Day)

"What did your ex do that bothered you most?" "He did lots of things,
but I guess the worst was being careless about his appearance."
"Really?" "Yeah, sometimes he wouldn't appear for days." (Merlyn Baby)

Some gardeners turn their lights on in the evening so they could watch
their phlox by night. (Metro Perhoni)

"My Susie has changed majors three times this year!" "I didn't know Susie was in college." "She's not. She's in the army!" (Merlyn Baby)

People are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two of them to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

I went to the Dr. today and he refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building."

ANAGRAMS:

Dormitory - Dirty Room.

Desperation - A Rope Ends It.

Slot Machines - Cash Lost in 'em.

 The Morse code - here come. dots.

Snooze Alarms Alas!  - No More Z's.

Alec Guinness - Genuine class.

The Public Art Galleries - Large picture halls, I Bet.

A Decimal Point - I'm a dot in place.

Eleven plus two - Twelve plus one.

Contradiction - Accord not in it.

Astronomer - Moon starer.

Evangelist - Evil's agent.

The Earthquakes - That queer shake.

George Bush - He bugs Gore.

JJJ

What always follows September is October. And we will too.

A day without puns is like a day without sunshine. There's gloom for improvement.

Volume 22 September 2001

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership is $125. (Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.)

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Pruf-reedr: Jean Sturdy

Desk stuff and full time critic: Rosanna Borgh

Executing Director: Gary Hallock

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

 Box 5040, Station A,

 Toronto Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

Email to punpunpun@home.com

Visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

September 2001

Mack Rowe has written a new book. "Yes, it's finally happened," said Mack, "after months and months and months of working thru many computer quagmires. I just kept saying, 'I think icon, I think icon.' Lo! It's happened. The little train got all its ducks in a Rowe. Watch this space for a full review of Mack's pfun pfilled tome.

JJJ

Puns 'n riddles 'n other stuff rounded up in Texas, by Executing Director,

Gary Hallock:

DEFINITIONS:

Blanket: What you do to a disk with unwanted data. (Phil Hudson)

Avalanche: In our house, we have a breakfast at eight and we always
avalanche at 12.30. (Geoff Tibballs)

Auctioneer:  A man who looks forbidding. (Lexicon)

Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

Repealing: Sexton sounding the second service.  (J.A.Mc.)

Bigamist:  A man who loves not wisely but two well. (Lexicon)

Undertaker: The last guy to let you down (Stan Moger)

Attorney: Ligament damage (Trevor Mytton)

Polarize: What penguins see with. (Gunjan Saraf)

Seldom: My cousin gave me two tickets to the Knick's game, so I seldom. (Michael Rogers)

Dismantled: The New York Yankees after 1968. (Ray Hand)

Knighthood: Honor bestowed by a king to change the subject (Art. Moger)

Scabbard: A non-union poet (Stan Kegel)

Debutante: The first insult (Annie Shank)

Kindred: Fear of relatives (Michael Driscoll)

Parking Lot: A place where arguments start from scratch. (Gunjan Saraf)

Do you think it's true
That when my headaches, I scream?
Yes. It's a sherbet
(Haiku by Hallock)

My children prefer punishment in the heat of the moment rather than
waiting till I scold. (Alan F. G. Lewis)

Soda truth comes out! It was a sundae when Abe'n'Anna split. (Bill Rayborn)

"Why do you hang around with that sadist?"  "Beats me!" (Asa Sparks)

Steffi Graf is five months pregnant. This could be the first time that Andre Agassi has been pleased with a seeding. (Bill Scheft)

Never trust a man who talks with his mouth full. He is speaking
ingest. (Mike Bull)

Early to bid and early to raise makes a poor bridge player. (Louis A. Safian)

An electrician finally arrived at his house at 2 a.m. His wife was
waiting and said, "Wire you insulate?" The reply was "Watts it to you, I'm ohm ain't I?" (Don Wagner)

A city slicker asked a farm boy, "Do you like raisin bread?" The farm boy answered, "Dunno, never tried to raise any."   (Bree Schultz)
 
What clichéd analogy comes to mind when you see an unopened bag of Ruffles that has been crushed due to a sudden wild romantic encounter? These are like chips that passion denied. (Gary Hallock)

A new John Cleese movie tells the story of a man who lusts after the wife of Ted Turner:  "A Wish called Fonda." (Gary Hallock)

What might be a young person's parting words to his host as he pays for his low-cost overnight accommodations with a credit card? Hostel a Visa. (Gary Hallock)

What type of vehicle should you drive if you wish to have some influence over the amount of precipitation that falls?  An Alter Rain Vehicle. (Gary Hallock)

What is a whiff of communist perfume worth? Not a red scent  (Gary Hallock)

 
TOM SWIFTIES:
"My law partners and I have been found guilty of illegal activities,"
said Tom with firm conviction. (Gary Hallock)

"I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed. (Richard Lederer)

OTHERS:
Have you heard about the three would-be opera singers who went on tour, even though none of them could carry a tune? Their act is called The Three Tin-ears. (Richard Lederer)

When it comes to buying groceries, actors are not prudent consumers.  They prefer a small roll to a long loaf. (Sandra Maunello)

Bill went to the chiropractor, thinking that the chiropractor wouldn't be able to treat his chronic back pain. After a few minutes, his back felt like new. When the doctor asked, "How do you feel about chiropractors now," Bill replied, "I stand corrected!" (Stefanio Troia)

Are dog biscuits made from collie-flour? (Owen Lorion)

What was the tow truck trying to do in the auto race? Pull a fast one!
(Eric Watson)

A few months ago my five-year-old son informed us that he thought he was "black toast intolerant." (Michael Brunelle)

During a dark night in Killarney, a group of American tourists huddled in Durty Nellie's pub. A local Irishman sidled up to one of them and proposed a scheme to sell a cure for leprosy. "I'm sorry", one American said, stiffly. "I'm not Irish. I don't believe in leper cons. (Dave Coble)

Surely you know what liars do after they die. They lie still. (Art. Moger)

I went to school to become a wit, I only got halfway through.  (Bree Schultz)

The best way to keep your youth is not to introduce him to other people. (Francis Day)

"What did your ex do that bothered you most?" "He did lots of things,
but I guess the worst was being careless about his appearance."
"Really?" "Yeah, sometimes he wouldn't appear for days." (Merlyn Baby)

Some gardeners turn their lights on in the evening so they could watch
their phlox by night. (Metro Perhoni)

"My Susie has changed majors three times this year!" "I didn't know Susie was in college." "She's not. She's in the army!" (Merlyn Baby)

People are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two of them to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

I went to the Dr. today and he refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building."

ANAGRAMS:

Dormitory - Dirty Room.

Desperation - A Rope Ends It.

Slot Machines - Cash Lost in 'em.

 The Morse code - here come. dots.

Snooze Alarms Alas!  - No More Z's.

Alec Guinness - Genuine class.

The Public Art Galleries - Large picture halls, I Bet.

A Decimal Point - I'm a dot in place.

Eleven plus two - Twelve plus one.

Contradiction - Accord not in it.

Astronomer - Moon starer.

Evangelist - Evil's agent.

The Earthquakes - That queer shake.

George Bush - He bugs Gore.

JJJ

What always follows September is October. And we will too.

A day without puns is like a day without sunshine. There's gloom for improvement.

Volume 22 September 2001

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership is $125. (Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.)

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Pruf-reedr: Jean Sturdy

Desk stuff and full time critic: Rosanna Borgh

Executing Director: Gary Hallock

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

 Box 5040, Station A,

 Toronto Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

Email to punpunpun@home.com

Visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

October 2001

PunToons! Jest for the Health of It.

They're at it again! Mack Rowe, POTY for 1999, and Neil Shawen, the wordst punster on the planet, have uncorked more pun fun. When does a laugh make you feel better? When you're enjoying this new book. It's a cartoon book dedicated to laughter, health, and feeling good. PunToons are devoted to cartoon wordplay. So, be prepared to laugh to a different toon.

PunToons! Jest for the Health of It is a frolicking collection of cartoons featuring wordplay. Get a beneficial belly laugh or a salubrious snicker as you romp wit Mack Rowe's characters, Pun, Toon, Eunice and the irrepressible Grinny. Together they stage Neil Shawen's outrageous puns. PunToons! Will make you feel better - guaranteed!

The second book in a series. It is published by 1^stBooks and available as an electronic downloadable book (ebook) or as a printed book. You can preview and order it on http://www.1stbooks.com/ under the Humor category; type Rowe as author. You can also go to a good-size bookstore and ask them to order it from 1^st books on their computer.

You'll peek inside the minds and workings of Mack Rowe and Neil Shawen as they play with our marvelous English language. Punsters extraordinaire, they bring you toons to tickle your funny bone and other humerus parts.

You'll get 140 pages with a slick yellow and purple cover showing the 4 characters.  You will get your Wordsworth with PunToons! Jest for the Health of It!

Here is a word toon example of a 'PunToon' (read it allowed):

Jest what the doctor ordered is a bottle of Black slap molasses.

Pun: Is this a pun-acea?

Toon: You RXactly right...

Eunice: See how sh'elixir spoon?

Grinny: Guess you'll laughter try some too!

JJJ

(By and about Gary Hallock)
HALF CENTURY DEPRIVATION

To celebrate my date of birth
I thought I would, with wit and mirth,
Compose a verse commemorating
It but found myself I'm dating
When I'm forced to here admit
The 50 year mark hard I've hit

First a word of explanation
What's created my frustration
Isn't eyesight growing dim
Or less vigor, zip or vim
Nor the hair that's growing thin
Has put me in this mood I'm in

It's not at all what you'd suppose
That hit this morning when I rose
From my bed at dawn's first crack
Blurry eyed and aching back
Sure, my body's in some pain
But the problem's in my brain

What if punning wordplay arts
Are for youngsters, not old farts?
Might approaching geezerhood
Kill my will to pun? It could
As I start my downhill run
Will I still feel need to pun?

Worser still, what if I don't
Understand a pun, or won't
Appreciate its subtle gifts
Getting from it, morale lifts?
What if wordplay leaves me cold
Would I want to live that old?

Should my sharp wit grow more numb
As much older I become,
Once such humor, I can't get
Or create, you bet I'll fret
If this way I must behave
My condition will be grave.

Notes from the web:

•·       Baroque (adj): When you are out of Monet

•·       Behavioral Psychology: Pulling habits out of rats.

•·       Ben Dover & C. Howit Feels: Attorneys at law.

•·       Birds have bills too, but they keep on singing.

•·       Bury a lawyer 12 feet under, because, deep down, they're nice people.

•·       California has its faults...

•·       Cogito Eggo sum: I think; therefore, I waffle.

•·       Defend the Constitution from all enemies, foreign & elected!

•·       Despite the high cost of living, it's still popular.

•·       Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.

•·       Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse.

•·       Eau Contraire: the perfume for the perverse.

•·       Haggis is defined, of course, as dining on a full stomach.

•·       Hospitality: Making guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

•·       I don't get even; I stay odd.

•·       In toto" does *not* mean Dorothy's dog ate it!

•·       My reality check just bounced.

•·       Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

•·       Puns are bad, but Poetry is verse.

•·       That was Zen, this is Tao.

•·       The Toe that cannot be stubbed is not the true Toe.

•·       When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; given prunes, make do.

Top Oxymoron:

Act naturally
Found missing
Resident alien
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation

Airline Food
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Government organization
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
Living dead
Small crowd
Soft rock
Military Intelligence
New classic
Sweet sorrow
Childproof
"Now, then ..."
Synthetic natural gas
Passive aggression
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Extinct Life
Temporary tax increase
Computer jock
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Working vacation

Exact estimate
Microsoft Works

JJJ

GARY HALLOCK leads us in these loops:

Here's another fine myth you've gotten us into... A satyr is a mythological creature that is half man and half goat. If you were somehow to harness up a team of these creatures to pull your beer wagon, I think you might end up satyr Budweiser.

The best-known satyr is Pan, the Greek god of the forest. He was probably the forest satyr to play the flute (pan intended). His talent agent was a panhandler, so-named because he came from Talenthassle, Florida. Pan is also the name of one of moons of Saturn. That has a nice ring to it. So I guess a satyr who moons you is showing a little panache. Butt since he's only half man, I guess he would be showing you mohair than moon.

If eclipse some of it off then you'll see just a half moon. Sort of a crescent bun, if you will.
Next month I'll filly you in on the centaur, another mythological creature that is half man and half horse.

They have been known to cross breed with donkeys but the results were just half-ass, quite a bit off centaur. I'll also tell you about the Minotaur, a creature that is half man and half bull. Their offspring are very small, they're called miniatures. Then of course there is the Senator which is 50% pork and 50% bull.

JJJ

Some more signs seen around the world:

On an automatic restroom hand dryer:

DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

In a cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT
THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:

GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED. And: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel catering to skiers, Austria: NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.

Supermarket, Hong Kong:

FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.

From the "Soviet Weekly": THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.

 Hotel, Vienna: IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

In a Swiss mountain inn: SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME. 

JJJ

It was reported in the Reader's Digest that The Washington Post asked its readers to take an ordinary word, place a portion of it in "air quotes" and then redefine the word. eg.,

G"angst"er: Someone torn by inner conflict, and bullets.

Gyn"ecological": Of or describing a natural woman.

"Bra"ggadocio: Excessive pride in one's cleavage.

"Taxi"dermist: Someone who stiffs cab drivers.

H"air"cut: The futile trip to the barber taken by balding men.

Automo"bile": A vehicle associated with road rage.

Nin"com"poop: CEO of a failed internet company.

We close with a challenge; let's see how many airquotes we can come up with. Send yours in to the punpunpun@home.com

After Halloween, November is unmasked.

A day without puns is like a day without sunshine. There's gloom for improvement.

Volume 22 October 2001

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership is $125. (Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.)

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Pruf-reedr: Jean Sturdy

Desk stuff and full time critic: Rosanna Borgh

Executing Director: Gary Hallock

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

 Box 5040, Station A,

 Toronto Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

Email to punpunpun@home.com

Visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

The Pundit

The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation

November 2001

In the New Year, 2002, the Canadian post office -- in all its wisdom -- will raise the price of mailing around the world.

So, what does that mean? For one thing, the costs of running the ISTPF will go up, considerably. For another, the members will have to bear the increase in order to continue the mission of the ISTPF. However, with the advent of 'email' we can avoid an increase in membership fees. Here's how. Please send your email address to us so that we can continue to send you the Pundit, and keep the fees at their present level. If you don't have email, get some one that you know who does, and ask if they will be your address for future Pundits. Or, do you have a better idea? The International Save the Pun Foundation has been a "not for profit" organization since its inception but it has always paid its way. Help us to keep it going. I am looking forward to your comments and suggestions.

LLL

But for now, here's November. Let's listen in as Gary Hallock struts his stuff.

What's it called when a department store dummy gets an extreme case of the blues?

Mannequin Depressive. 

The dilapidated old steam cabinet that washed up at the seashore was one
ugly sauna of a beach. 

I received a flyer in the mail today from a local furniture store advertising

"BIG MATTRESS LIQUIDATION" and the first thing I thought was "Oops! Sounds like someone wet the bed."  

Why shouldn't we tax people on the basis of how much money they have? I've often heard that the basis are loaded. 

The fiddler was fit to be tied
Demanding the thief should be tried
And sent straight to Hell
Which didn't bowed well
Although the crook took it in Strad.

At the trial just before he was hung
He, no songs of innocence sung
In fact the big brute
Was totally mute
So maybe the cat gut his tongue.

The violin thief so nefarious
Had lifted a fine Stradivarius
The fiddler, distressed
Demanded a rest
The treble is we don't know where'e is.

A violin crime! What the heck?
Those strings were wound tight 'round his neck
And so you can bet
The poor guy did fret
'Cuz now his fine fiddle's a wreck

Since Nasdaq's big boom has gone bust
My tech stocks have crumbled to dust
What my broker said
Went over my head
He told me to use a "Blind trust."

In theory, housebreaking your puppy may seem like a fine idea, but it
doesn't look good on paper.

JJJ

More trouble on the farm:

My baby goat is lame!  He has kid knee failure!
And my pet turkey has the trots!  Wattle I do?

Lambentably, I had to go through my sheep and get rid of the less productive stock.  Not being very fleece of foot, I knew I couldn't catch them on my own, so to bring the flock in from the field, I sang

"While I'm culling ewe..." and last 

an un-boll-weevable story about my cotton field. (Sew says Anita Moravec Gard.) and then she told us, "My boyfriend drives a Porsche, so for his birthday I gave him a pair of Boxter shorts."

JJJ

A man is negotiating with his neighbor over the sale of a stand of trees. Suddenly an argument erupts and he takes a punch, which breaks his nose.
Later, in the doctor's office, when asked what happened, he replies, "It resulted from hickory dickering Doc."  (Prescribed by Norm Stevenson).

JJJ

The horseshoe maker is laying people off.  They are trying to be a leaner company. (Pitched in by Warren Allen)

The following were culled up from Stan Kegel's Puns of the week:

Head Waiter: Someone whose job is putting people in their place. (Stan Kegel)

All of Noah's animals went on board the arc in pairs. Except the worms.
They went in apples. (The Daily Groaner)

Bulletin: The cowboy limped because he'd got a bulletin his leg. (Geoff Tibballs)

Cemetery: The last resort (Robert Meyers)

Balsam trees cry intermittently. (Cynthia MacGregor)

Aversion: One side of a disputed story (Paul Dickson).

Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard
tines?  (Douglas Helsel)

I went to a strip mall the other day. I was disappointed. Everyone else was wearing clothes.  (Renee from Napa)

The man with the boring personality has a huge debt at the bedding store. I wonder how much the pillows. (Big Puns)

In my opinion, killing a pig for bacon is just a fryable ham'side. (Scot Nelson)

I hate it when my Greek alphabet is missing letters I'm lack Taus
intolerant. (Cynthia MacGregor)

Jail cell: a bar room.  (Syman Hirsch)

Maternity Dress:  A slipcover. (Lexicon)

If you fear change, leave it here.                 Sign on a restaurant tip jar (Siman Hirsch)

A hunter draws it strong and tight;

A child makes hers just right!

Stephen J. McAnulty

JJJ

This ace is served by William E. Wilson, time was, tennis used to be more profitable than banking.  Did you know Ivan Lendl and Martina Navratilova used to be the top tennis players in the world?  Just proves that tennis, unlike a bank, has never had a bad Czech.

JJJ

"Please excuse my...."notes:

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out a tree and misplaced his hip.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. 

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre)(dyrea) (direathe) the runs.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a
weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

JJJ

The astronauts in the Sea of Tranquility were amazed to discover that the moon actually did contain large underground deposits of cheese. Once outside the LEM, they climbed into the LTV and drove across the lunar surface to obtain samples.

In one location they discovered a large deposit of Brie and collected 25 pounds to bring back to earth. They drove to a second location and collected 50 pounds of Camembert. In a third location they hit a vein of Cheddar and collected another 50 pounds of samples.

Mission Control crackled through their headsets that it would not be satisfied unless they brought back at least another 25 pounds of Brie.

The astronauts turned their LTV around and returned to the location where they collected another 25 pounds of the cheese.
The astronauts were almost back to the LEM when Mission Control radioed that it wanted still another 25 pounds of Brie.
Disgruntled, one of the astronauts sarcastically snapped,
"Have you ever seen such a site in all your life as brie mined thrice?"

JJJ

The old south has always been famous for its cotton growing, but cotton only became 'king' after the invention of the cotton gin. Before that, the 'Old South' was famous around the world for the quality of its goose down, which went into only the finest quilts and comforters.
The geese were raised on farms and they would be turned loose in a cotton field where they would go up and down the rows, eating the snails and bugs. It was really the goose down that made the big money. The birds would be plucked and the down feathers would be put in big cloth bags and sold to buyers, by the pound. It is forgotten now, but this was a very big deal at the time. In fact even Stephen Foster wrote a song, whose words went:

"Weigh down upon the Swanee River...."

JJJ

As we finish November, always remember

A day without puns is like a day without sunshine. There's gloom for improvement.

Volume 22 November 2001

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership is $125. (Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.)

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Pruf-reedr: Jean Sturdy

Desk stuff and full time critic: Rosanna Borgh

Executing Director: Gary Hallock

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

 Box 5040, Station A,

 Toronto Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

Email to punpunpun@home.com

Visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

The Pundit

The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation

December 2001

Tempus sure does fugit! Here we are at the end of another year and Yule be happy to Noel still Carol lot for merriment and wordplay! So, it's hap punning for a New Year and the festive season.

JJJ

GARY HALLOCK Executing Director for the ISTPF brings these stories,

Driving my Dakota pick-up recently, I was rear-ended by a woman who was unable to stop as quickly as I did. I got out and asked her, "Whassa matter lady? Can't you read that big sign on the back of my truck? It clearly says, 'Dodge!'"

"Of course I saw it," She righteously replied. "But it also says 'RAM.'"

"Why are you so glum all the time? Stop that moping and get out of bed," Dad told me.

"I'm not really sad," I replied, "I'm just getting a little deep rest."

A quicker and more accurate anthrax test has been developed at the Mail Clinic. Researchers there have really been

pushing the envelope night and day and just about have the problem licked. In a

recent public address, the head of the National Security Cancel said he would
stick to his post until the problem is stamped out. To be frank, I think it

they'll soon route out the problem.

Are people who don't believe in drinking alcoholic beverages during the holidays known as egg-nog-stics?

Many of us who have grown too old to believe in Santa Claus still expect him to grace us with his presents each year.

I have a few favorite rivers where I often go kayaking. During the summer the water level is often very low and in fact sometimes they dry up entirely. Still, I'm very optimistic so when I see rain clouds
on the horizon, I'll sometimes drag the boat out to the dry riverbed and just wait for rain. Some people think I'm taking my passion for paddling to ex-streams.
We visited the Grand Canyon last summer and were surprised that it was so beautiful even though it seemed to be simply gorges.

If that actress has been Faye Dunnaway all her life, then why hasn't she disappeared yet?

Surely you know the name of the famous dinosaur that keeps saying the same thing in many different ways? Roget, The Saurus!

A lad of 12 was a dedicated stamp collector until the kid next door bought an album also. "He buys every stamp I do and copies everything I do," the kid complained to his father. "He has taken all the fun out of my collecting stamps."

"Don't be so picky, my boy," said Pop. "Remember, imitation is the sincerest form of philately."

Nobody's Business But the Turks'

There once was a mother whose daughter kept trying to elope with her intended. Always, however, in the nick of time, the mother caught them. After about twenty times, the daughter began to get desperate, when at random, she read about an animal activist who would paint bulls in order to camouflage them, then let them escape.

However, when the daughter called up the activist, he told her, "I stain bulls, not constant elopers."

At the Sea World theme parks there are many different covered outdoor arenas and pavilions where you can go to watch different trained sea creatures perform. Of course there's a limit to what these trained animals can do, so many of their routines are quite similar. Whether
you go to the tank where dolphins entertain under a canvas awning or
the tarp shaded pool where killer whales perform, isn't that pretty much the same thing for all in tents and porpoises?

Whenever I'm yelling at my family about unauthorized adjustments made
to the thermostat, they say I'm having a temperature tantrum.

Now that hard times have hit the Internet industry, many web developers are having trouble making ends meet. In fact you might say they're living a "hand-to-mouse existence.

In a bear market, it's difficult to know just how much advertising the market will bear. Ad rates for most websites has dropped considerably from what they were a year ago and it's unlikely that they'll be able to market up again
anytime soon. Still they're always expecting a dot-com back.

JJJ

I recently asked my neighbor what plans he had for the afternoon and he replied that he was going to grill some hotdogs, then hoe the garden and wash the  car.
Aha, says I. It's going to be weenie weedy washy. "With a lot of Gaul", said Norm Stevenson, I sees your point.

And then he asked, "Didja hear about?"

.. the Eskimo that built a huge ice block rest room? He called it a bigloo.   He then went into farming and built a pigloo.  This sat well with the sows, but the boars couldn't stand it.

.. would you know? If 'Nsync appeared in drag would they be kitsch'nsync ?

And is a Mac on the web referred to as apple cyber?  

.. Is a promo for a Broadway play a scriptease?  

.. Is a shark on a scale a great white weigh?

.. Are limericks written in iambic puntameter?

My wife's cosmetics supplier lives with her boyfriend, who is known as the

Pard of Avon.

I hear the Disney Channel is going to have a full week of reruns of the best of Donald and Daisy.  It will be a ducks redux.

If my wife carries out her threat and slays me after one more pun will it be jestifyable homicide?       

JJJ

Dave Tozier, Wry Wryter and Life Member brings back the following Washington Post punterpretations,

HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS
Can you drive a French motorcycle?

EX POST FUCTO
Lost in the mail. (Considering the anthrax scare, that's a good thing. However, the "author" didn't need to be obscene!)

IDIOS AMIGOS
We're wild and crazy guys! 

VENI, VIPI, VICI
I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered. 

VENI, VIDI, VICE
I came, I saw, I partied.

VENI, VIDI, VELCRO
I came, I saw, I stuck around.

COGITO EGGO SUM
I think; therefore I waffle.

RIGOR MORRIS
The cat is dead.

RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID
Honk if you're Scottish.

LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI
The king is dead. No kidding.

MAZEL TON
Tons of luck.

POSH MORTEM
Death styles of the rich and famous.

PRO BOZO PUBLICO
Support your local clown (or politician, your call).

MONAGE A TROIS
I am three years old.

FELIX NAVIDAD
Our cat's father's a sailor.

HASTE CUISINE
Fast French food.

QUIP PRO QUOA
Fast retort.

ALOHA OY
Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you would never know.

VISA LA FRANCE
Don't leave your chateau without it.

AMICUS PURIAE
Platonic friend.

COGITO, ERGO SPUD
I think, therefore I Yam.

ZITGEIST
The Clearasil doesn't quite cover it up.

VIVE LE DUFFERENCE
Long live golfing.

JJJ

A this point may I ask for your forgiveness for omitting the fact that in the November Pundit, I did not give due recognition to Richard Lederer for the "Excuse my notes..." article which is directly out of his wonderful book, ‘Anguished English" (page 22 to 26). I also want to thank Richard for pointing out homonym more vagaries there are in the English Language.
 1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce pproduce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does strange things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong for us to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

More of these next year, but if you would sooner want more of Richard's genius sooner, go to his web site, which you can get to by starting at http://www.punpunpun.com/ and then link to "Crazy Fun Sites". Click on "Verbivore" and there you are.  

JJJ

So, we come to the end of another calendar year. The time has come to send in your nominations for the Best Stressed Puns of 2001. These will be presented on January 1 2002. Please send them via email (note the new email address) to punpunpun@rogers.com or by snail to our box as it has been for the past 21 years. (At last, we're of voting and consenting age)

To all who are members of the ISTPF, and their friends who too, are paranamours, have a wonder filled holiday and a fabulous 2002.

A day without puns is like a day without sunshine, there's gloom for improvement.

Volume 22 December 2001

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership is $125. (Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.)

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Pruf-reedr: Jean Sturdy

Desk stuff and full time critic: Rosanna Borgh

Executing Director: Gary Hallock

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

 Box 5040, Station A,

 Toronto Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com

Visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com