THE PUNDIT

The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation (e edition)

January, 2003

In central Europe, there is a large contingent of tent enthusiasts who collect tents much as some people collect quilts or rugs.  Some of the tents are ancient, others are simply artsy or unusual.  Each year between Christmas and New Years, the tent collectors hold a convention.  For the second year in a row, they selected the city of Mainz in Germany.
     The good burghers of Mainz remembered how their city was clogged with the tent people the previous Yule holidays, their green space ruined by tent spikes, and they mounted a campaign against the convention.
     Their success in thwarting the convention was attributed to the effectiveness of a slogan they sang over and over on the internet:
          "Let old and quaint tents be forgot, and never brought to Mainz, let old and quaint tents be forgot," they sang for days on line.

JJJ

Absence sharpens love, Presents strengthens it. 

                                                             JJJ

Left overs from Christmas: Boxing Day sales signs:

•·       In a toy store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here."

•·       In a bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."

•·       Outside a church: "The original Christmas Club."

•·       From a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd."

•·       In a Texas jewelry store: "Diamond tiara -- $70,000. Three for $200,000."

•·       A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."

•·       In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything... a calendar
to remind him when payments are due." (spotted by Nancy Carson)

It has been said that Moses suffered most of his life with mental problems. It seems that he was in denial as a baby! 

(Sermon by Life Member James [Jim] Paterson)

JJJ

Victoria's Secret is launching a new line of a wide variety of Freudian slips

Kevin and I went to see the new 007 movie, ‘Die Another Day.'

It was like, father/son bonding.

JJJ

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER:
1. Sag, You're it.
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc, Doc, Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
10. Musical recliners.

JJJ

Anita M. Gard saw these:

A sign on an auto body repair shop, "We come highly wreck-a-mended!"

And then there's the lawn maintenance company named "Marquis de Sod."

JJJ

Some of the inmates penned short stories while others penned poetry. They were known as the PROSE VERSES CONS

The Rostakovitch Sturgeon and Caviar Company were asked to cater the victory party. Once again they roes to the occasion.

"How many pounds in this bag of feathers?" he asked the soothsayer. "Let me put it here on my lower back. Hmm, it's goes at about fourteen ounces," she said soothingly, as she weighed down upon the swami's liver.

JJJ

Some of the old favorite singers and bands have re-released their greatest hits with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience.

   - Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker."
  
   - The Rolling Stones: "You Can't Always Pee When You Want."
  
   - Credence Clearwater Revival: "Bad Prune Rising."
  
   - Marvin Gaye:  "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts."
  
   - The Who:  "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication."
  
   - The Troggs:  "Bald Thing."
  
   - Carly Simon:  "You're So Varicose Vein."
  
   - The Bee Gees:  "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip."
  
   - Roberta Flack:  "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face."
  
   - Johnny Nash:  "Can't See Clearly Now."
  
   - The Temptations:  "Papa Got a Kidney Stone."
  
   - ABBA:  "Denture Queen."
  
   - Leo Sayer:  "You Make Me Feel Like Napping."
  
   - Commodores:  "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom."
  
   - Procol Harem:  "A Whiter Shade of Hair."
  
   - The Beatles:  "I Get By With a Little Help From Depends."

•·       ELLIPTICAL: The shape of a kiss.

•·       Scientists have discovered the gene that causes shyness. It was hiding behind another gene.

•·       It is going to be forbidden to own a dog in Iran. Therefore, it will become a NO BARKING ZONE.

•·       Paul McCartney (of the Beatles) was knighted by the knighting authority of the United Kingdom. His music will be more expensive due to the "SIR" charge.

•·       Recently Marcel Marceau was waiting to be seated in a busy restaurant when he tried to slip the maitre'd $50 to seat him right away.  The man just shook his head and said I will serve no mime before his time.*

•·       A fellow recently demanded a large ransom to release a busload of tourists from Prague that he had hijacked and hidden in a cave. When it was discovered that the whole thing was a scam, he was charged the fraudulent caching of Czechs.*

•·       Pizza Hut is expanding their operations by building a 24 story training center which will be dubbed the LEARNING TOWER OF PIZZA.* (*all done by Norm Stevenson).

•·       Is a pharmacist the pillar of society?

•·       Sign in a funeral home: FREE BIER FOR RECENTLY DECEASED MEMBERS OF A/A.

So, as we begin another year of pun saving we at pun headquarters wish you and yours all good wishes for many years of plays on words to come. Remember too, that a day without puns is like a day without sunshine, there's gloom for improvement.

Volume 24 January 2003

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1 year, $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years

A Life membership is $125. (Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.)

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Ed Smeaghan

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Pruf-reedr: Jean Sturdy

Desk stuff and full time critic: Rosanna Borgh

Executing Director: Gary Hallock

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

Box 5040, Station A,

Toronto Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com

Visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

The Pundit

The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation

February 2003

Submissions (not the underwater kind by the Navy) by Chuck Burgess El Campo, Texas.
The head zookeeper asked all the workers to come up with a great idea to promote the opening of the new city zoo. One fellow suggested he could dress up in a costume of a carnivorous African animal and be at the gate roaring to attract attention. The boss looked him square in the eyes and said, "Young man, you're in lion for promotion!"

A big awkward guy with poor manners lumbered up to the group who was caroling on the street corner and grabbed a songbook and started singing. Little did he know the big debate earlier in the day among the carolers: should we sing the songs where the music was printed in red, or sing the songs where the music was printed in black? After much debate, they decided to only sing the songs in red. Unfortunately, the idiot started singing songs printed in black.  In a chorus, the singers yelled at him, "Rude oaf, the Red notes reign here!"
 
Rosa, Pedro and the son Juan were poor and didn't get to go out much. Rosa had saved over a period of time and had enough money in their savings account to have the family go out to the movies. Pedro was so happy he wanted to know all the details. Where will we get the money? Rosa said I've saved it and will send our son down to the bank. Can we get some popcorn and soda? No, Rosa said, I've only scraped enough together to pay for the tickets. But I will take some potatoes we can chew on. How do I know when we are going to leave, I might be at the neighbors house? Rosa said I will climb up to the highest branch of the oak tree in our front yard and you will surely see me. What if I'm not looking and I don't see you? Rosa smiled; remember the frijoles I ate last night? I will let out a loud noise so you will hear me also. Pedro asked how am I going to remember all of these instructions. Exasperated, Rosa yelled out at him, just remember

JUAN FOR THE MONEY, TUBER THE SHOW, TREE TO GET READY AND FART TO GO!!"

..and as the sign posted on condemned, padlocked rental property said:

 LATCHED BUT NOT LEASED

Attila was out in the desert with two of his trusted men. One of them preferred sleeping in the open, while the other pitched a covering to sleep under. They were always playing practical jokes on Attila! One morning his turban had been hidden and he demanded to know if the one out in the open had taken it. The man replied, "Nope, Hun in tent did." 

If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, WHY would anyone want to wear a windbreaker??

Here is some bull from the pen of Richard Lederer, POTY 1989,

Have you heard about the five young bulls that were standing in the
pasture discussing what they wanted to be when they grew up? The first
said he wanted to go to Rome and become a papal bull. The second said he
wanted to go to New York and become a bull on Wall Street. The third
wanted to go to the windy city to become a Chicago Bull. The fourth said
he wanted to go to Beijing and be a bull in a China shop. The fifth said
he was just going to stay in the pasture for heifer and heifer and
heifer.

From Stan Kegel's, POTY 2000, 'Profusions of Puns, Gaggles of Groaners'  come these HANDY ENGINEERING CONVERSIONS:

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi.
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton.
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond.

Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram.
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling.
 Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon.
1000 aches: 1 megahertz.
453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake.
 2000 mockingbirds: 2 kilo mockingbirds.
10 cards: 1 decacards.

1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton.
10 rations: 1 decoration.
100 rations: 1 C-ration.

2 monograms: 1 diagram.
8 nickels: 2 paradigms. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital:  1 I.V. League

With the new models coming out, my uncle went to buy a new car. He liked the Mercedes, but didn't have enough cash. So he bought what he could, a Ford.

"CHEEP IS TALK," so say all the birds. 

They brought them up safe and sound, except for a few miner injuries. "I smelt gold." said one. "Who's, yours ore mine?" said another. While in the almost flooded shaft they sang Coal Porter songs, like Down in the Depths, Night and Day, All of You, Where Oh Where, From this Moment On, So Near Yet So Far, and last Your the Top.  

"Did you star in the astronomy contest?" "No, but I did win the constellation prize!"

This from PUNSTERS UNITED NEARLY YEARLY, affectionately known as PUNY:

 The puppeteer watched old Mouseketeer reruns, fell in love, and decided to marionette. (With no objections from Cynthia MacGregor)

At a base ball game recently, the guy calling balls and strikes was born in Rome Italy, grew up in Rome New York, and now lives in Rome Georgia.
That's right. He is a wholly roman umpire.  Norm Stevenson says take a walk and took to the waves with this.

A fellow was sunning himself on the deck of his sailboat when  a piece of rigging fell and crushed him.  After extensive investigation the coroner issued his official findings and the victim was pronounced as being A SPAR MANGLED TANNER.

DAVID was married "TOSHIBA" and they had a "SAN"-"YO"

Heir apparent:  That means you take your elderly Mom and/or Dad out for a walk.

Leo told the story of his acquisition of shares in a rabbit farm. He called it,

"WARREN PIECE" (It was a hare raising tale)

I noticed a Corvette today with license number,"VETDREAM"

My guess is that the owner is displaying the fact that his car had passed all of the nocturnal emissions tests.

Douglas Wilson asks if a cryptogram is a message sent to a tomb.

Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other
"I'll man the cannon, you drive."

I went to a seafood
disco rave last week....
and pulled a mussel.

What do you call
a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

Did you hear that the pork producers are advocating sausage as the official meat for Groundhog Day? Norm II

Doing anything for the first time can be a pain in debut.

So, we have come to the end of another Pundit and I want to leave you with these thoughts. It is just about 10 years since I became the Chairman of the Bored Too, and I feel that it could be time to nominate and elect a new Chairman. One with shorter teeth and with a good grip on the philosophy of the International Save the Pun Foundation, viz; a day without puns is like a day without sunshine, there's gloom for improvement. Thought number 2. In order to maintain the continuing delivery of the Pundit, with rising costs for mailing, for paper and etc. I am, once again asking for your email addresses so that we can send the Pundit over the air waves and hold the membership cost down. Another matter for consideration is that if we can send the Pundit out by email, we will be able to charge a membership fee of half what it is now instead of doubling it. Please let me have your views and opinions.

Happy Valentine's Day to all of you.

Volume 24 February 2003

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.

It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for I year, $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years

A Life membership is $125. (Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.)

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Ed Smeaghan

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Pruf‑reedr: Jean Sturdy

Desk stuff and full time critic: Rosanna Borgh

Executing Director: Gary Hallock

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

Box 5040, Station A,

Toronto Ontario, M5WIN4 Canada

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com

Visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

The Pundit

The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation

March 2003

Tempus sure does fugit. Here it is March already and the lions and lambs didn't know weather to come in like a or later plan to go out like a.

SPOONERISMS?  Spoonerism (SPOO-nuh-riz-em), noun. The transposition of usually initial sounds of words producing a humorous result.
Spoonerisms have perhaps been around ever since we humans began
feeling disconcerted, and as a result mismatched the sounds of two words, but the name for this affliction came to the English language only around a century ago. William Archibald Spooner (1844-1930), British clergyman and educator, was undoubtedly the finest practitioner of the art of spoonerism. And both of his professions gave him ample opportunity to unwittingly show his specialty.
Some of the choicest examples from this eponymous man are:

Addressing a truant student: "You have tasted two whole worms,
you have hissed all my mystery lectures. You will leave by the
next town drain."

Toasting the Queen: "Three cheers for our queer old dean!"

Scolding a pyromaniac miscreant: "You have been caught fighting a
liar in the quad."

Officiating a wedding: "It is now kisstomary to cuss the bride."

Enquiring the secretary of his university official: "Is the bean
dizzy?"

To another parish in a church: "I believe you're occupewing my
pie. May I sew you to another sheet?"

Rev. Spooner, the father of spoonerisms, not only gave the English
language a new word, an eponym, but also an artful device for repartee.
The story goes that a Member of Parliament cut off another calling
him a shining wit, and then apologized for making a spoonerism.

JJJ

Gary Roma Punster of the Year 2000, is a wordaholic and he proposes a toast with these thoughts.

Words are but lucky letters. How do letters get lucky? They go to bars.
Let's have a look.
A consonant approaches the bar and sits down next to a vowel.
"Hi!," he says, "Have you ever been here before?"
"Of cursive," she replies, "I come here, like, all the time"
He can tell from her accent (which is kind acute) that she is a Vowelly Girl.
He looks her over.
She's short and has a nice assonance.
She sure is a cipher sore I's, thinks this consonantal dude, I'll bet
she gives good letterhead.
He remains stationery, enveloped by her charm. "And what an uppercase!"
His initial reaction is so pronounced, he doesn't know what to say.
He is, at present, tense.
"You've a lovely set of ... teeth," he sputters. "Do you crush with
breast...err, I mean ... do you brush with Crest?"
"Oh my God, gag me with a spoonerism! Your mind is in the guttural, fer sure."
Admiring her figure of speech, he falls into a fantasy.
He pictures a perfect wedding:
They exchange wedding vowels.
The minister says, "I now pronouns you man and wife."
They kiss each other on the ellipsis.
"I love you, noun forever," he whispers.
The conjugation is in tiers.
In a word, they are wed.
He awakens from his daydream and proposes a dance, but she declines.
"Then would you like a beer? Alcohol the bartender. ..."
"I bitter not", she says, falling silent.
Ferment there, she looks like she's going to bee [sic].
"Gee, are you okay?" he asks her.

"I'm, like, under a lot of stress ... I've got a yeast inflection."
"I knew something was brewing."
He calls the bartender. "Listen, bud, my beer is warm."
The bartender takes the bottle and empties it in the sink.
The dude watches as his hops go down the drain.
"Let's go outside," he says to her. "I'd like to have a word with you."
"Are you prepositioning me?"
"I won't be indirect. You are the object of my preposition."
"Oh my God, you're, like, such a boldfaced character!"
"I see your point. But I'm font of you. C'mon let's go."
"Do I have to spell it out? You're not my type, so get off my case.
Reluctantly, he decides to letter B.
"Now my evening lies in runes," he laments.
He leaves, hoping to have letter luck next time.

JJJ

He had a habit of writing the phone number of his latest date on the inside neck of his shirt for quick reference. When Heidi asked him if he needed her to write down her phone number, he quickly glanced down and rattled it off. Impressed, she asked him how he could remember her number already! "Easy," he said, "I have collar, Heidi."

Grandpa was practical yet superstitious.  He built a beautiful home on his ranch out of native rocks. For mortar he ground up old bricks and animal skeletons. Practical. Yet he was afraid of ever meeting a lone cow on the ranch. He claims if he did, ugly brown bumps might break out on his body! But he had no fear at all working a group of cattle, claiming it could only happen one-on-one. Superstitious. In fact, one of grandpa's favorite sayings was, "Bricks and bones may stick my stones, but herds can never wart me."

JJJ

Fellow came home and discovered a lovely young lady was cavorting on his roof. Puzzled, he sat down to watch her fetching antics and ponder the situation. He soon remembered he had recently responded to an online offer and ordered a free dish installation.  (Norm Stevenson sent this very clear signal)

Today's Stock Market Report as presented by Dave Tozier:
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

JJJ

Fool you in April. Remember always, that a day without puns is like a day without sunshine, there's gloom for improvement.

Volume 24 March, 2003 without sunshine, there's gloom for imorovement.

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1year. A Life membership is $125. (Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.)

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Ed Smeaghan

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Pruf‑reedr: Jean Sturdy

Desk stuff and full time critic: Rosanna Borgh

Executing Director: Gary Hallock

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

Box 5040, Station A,

Toronto Ontario, M5WIN4 Canada

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com

Visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

The Pundit

The Official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation

April 2003

Here it is, nine years and more than four hundred pages of puns since the present Chairman of the Bored Too, Norman Gilbert, took hold of the reigns of the ‘Foundation.' Keeping it full of phun and phine wordplay has become a whey of life for the membership of the ISTPF.

This, the beginning of year ten, will also be the beginning of a new era.

Starting on April 1^st 2003, the Pundit will be sent out free to all members in the International Save the Pun Foundation. Yes, that's right, FREE. (There will be no lunch.)

With the availability of the electronic world, we are able to send the Pundit out via e-mail and attachments, so hold on to your pens and e-mail addresses as we begin this new regime.

Last week I had one of those bittersweet visits to the dentist -- bitter because there is more than a little trauma and cost involved, and sweet because the need that drove me to the office in the first place would finally go away.  As is their custom, the dentist and support person carried on a running patter for the purpose of entertainment and distraction for the patient.Right before I could talk again, they got into a silly discussion of whether it is more proper to refer to the cuspids as "he" or "she"When finally I could join the discussion, I said it really doesn't matter very much, since many of those cuspids are already "bi-".

The Cordage Shop
A young man applied for a job in a cordage shop and to his delight had been accepted.  The store manager took it upon himself to train the new employee in the types of merchandise available.  This was no small task.
First came the manila section, old classic hawsers originally from the days of tall ships and more flexible material used in horse training.  Other sections of the store featured hemp, sisal and jute.  There also was a section for synthetic fibers such as used for parachute cord and clothesline.  It all seemed too much to take in at once, but it was a start.
The owner came by and inquired what was happening and how it was going. The manager replied, "Pretty well.  I was just showing him the ropes." By Alan B. Combs

Here is a  collection of occupational collectives collected by Anita M. Gard:

A brace of dentists.

A herd of equestrians.

A clutch of auto mechanics.

A pried of investigators.

.

And then there was the office party...

The tug boat captains barged in.
The manicurists came in single file.
The roofer called in sick - he had shingles.
The hair dressers cut out early.
The gardener didn't stay lawn.
The nurse was repulsed.
The sailors stayed aweigh.
The painter lost his coat.
 

C. Lynch Varnadore limericks as follows:
A wonner`ful pres`dent, Abe Lincoln
Spent most of his lifetime a-thinkin`.
Much to His`try`s surprise
He had allergy eyes,
Which is why he was always Abe Lincoln.

I learned that the Special Forces stealth troops crossed the "Bridge Over
the River Kwai"-etly.

In the village of De Orto, in Italy, Luigi played a big role in the
"Syndicate" and became a "Don".  At a high level "mafioso" meeting, everyone
was present except Luigi. The "Godfather", who had a slight German dialect,
wondered where De Orto Don ist.

" In view of the nationwide cold spell, I wonder? Next Sunday, (even if
it`s a cloudy day), will the many Pastors, Priests, etc, be concerned about
the "Churchill" factor? And, will cold cash be acceptable during the
Offering? Oh, icy that snow problem. Bronislaw R. Wonsiewicz (Pen name: Dub Snow)

EVEn so, I'm ADAMant that I'm not ABEL to raise CAIN! 

Doing anything for the first time can be a pain in debut. From:  Ken Shurget

A friend and I were driving along one day when we saw a dry-cleaning shop with a sign in the window
     "SCIENTIFIC PLANT ON PREMISES"
I wondered aloud: What on earth is a scientific plant?
Her answer: ``That's easy: A scientific plant is
a plant with square roots.'' Andrew Koenig

Misunderstood by Country and Western musicians:

Diminished Fifth -- An empty bottle of Jack Daniels
Perfect Fifth -- A full bottle of Jack Daniels
Ritard -- Fixed the pavement
Relative Major -- An uncle in the Marine Corps
Relative Minor -- A girlfriend
Big Band -- When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players
Pianissimo -- "Refill this beer bottle"
Repeat -- What you do until they just expel you
Treble -- Women ain't nothin' but
Bass -- The things you run around in softball
Portamento -- A foreign country you've always wanted to see
Conductor -- The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham
Arpeggio -- "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"
Tempo -- Good choice for a used car
A 440 -- The highway that runs around Nashville
Transpositions -- Men who wear dresses
Cut Time-- Parole
Passing Tone-- Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues
Middle C-- The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low
Perfect Pitch -- The smooth coating on a freshly paved road
Cadenza -- That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes
Whole Note -- What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year
Clef -- What you try never to fall off of
Bass Clef -- Where you wind up if you do fall off
Altos -- Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Doritos"
Minor Third-- Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling
Melodic Minor -- Loretta Lynn's singing dad
12-Tone Scale -- The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with
Quarter Tone -- What most standard pickups can haul
Sonata -- What you get from a bad cold or hay fever
Clarinet -- Name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo
Cello -- The proper way to answer the phone
Bassoon -- Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when
Bossa Nova -- The car your foreman drives
Time Signature -- What you need from your boss if you forget to clock in
First Inversion, Grandpa's battle group at Normandy
Staccato -- How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home
Major Scale -- What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Darn! That was a major scale!"
Aeolian Mode-- How you like Mama's cherry pie
Bach Chorale -- The place behind the barn where you keep the horses

Bulwer-Lytton Contest, (for those of you who do not know, Bulwer-Lytton wrote The Last Days of
Pompeii, which opens with the famous line "It was a dark and stormy night.")
These are the 10 winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton contest (run by the English Dept of San Jose State University), wherein one writes only the
first line of a bad novel.

10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber he would never hear the end of it."

9) "Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."

8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."

7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep...Andre creep...Andre creep.'"

6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become
the woman he loved."

5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store."

4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."

3) "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."

2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death - in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."

AND THE WINNER IS...

1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window,
revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You lied!'

Victoria's Secret is launching a new line offering a wide

variety of Freudian slips.

Did you hear that the pork producers  are advocating  sausage as the official meat for groundhog day? Norm Stevenson.

Back when I lived in Brooklyn, my friends and I would sometimes venture into Manhattan for the midnight to dawn movies at the Elgin theater on 2nd Avenue. On one such trip Billy's cousin Ed came along. After the movies, Ed invited us back to his house for breakfast. We had a great time talking about the movies and many other things. On the way out, I happened to glance at the mailbox and the name made me stop in my tracks. Then, like a bolt from blue it hit me and I started laughing. The other guys asked what was so funny. I pointed to the last name on the mailbox. Bill said: "Piffiny. So what?" I replied "Don't you get it? We had breakfast at E. Piffiny's!"

If a person has a job working the lunch counter in a restaurant and is really good at it, does it mean they're counter productive?
Is a medical school cadaver just another working stiff?Is it ok for a Jewish person to have a ham license? From: David Levy, California

Gary Hallock sends these stories, --
One chilly evening in early November I fired up my furnace noticed it seemed extra noisy. Aside from the usual burning and churning, there seemed to be a whooshing/squeaking sound coming from somewhere. Being just after Election Day, and realizing that the air returns often come insulate, I was suspicious that possibly the squeaker of the
house might be up there in the attic conducting a loose fillabuster. I peeked up through the scuttle hole to discover a portion of the plenum wall had actually broken loose and that my furnace was leaking precious heat into the attic space. "Ah-ha!" I thought. "I should have known there'd be hot air leaking out of the house. It's a lame duct section." 

In today's paper there was an advertising insert featuring a dog modeling a knit sweater with colorful decorations in the shape of animal tracks. I remarked to my family that it probably wasn't really
his sweater, it was obviously his paw's. My son speculated that the dog could have borrowed the sweater from a Dicken's character because
it had "Prints in the Paw Paw." Upon closer examination of the photo I realized that the designs were not prints but actually seemed to be
appliqued onto the sweater. So the mystery was solved. The sweater was actually woven from goose feathers to keep it from being too heavy for the dog. I guess they didn't want to weigh down yarn there
in the paw paw patch.

Saddam Hussein is attempting to destroy the underlying principles of geometry, calculus, algebra and other related fields. He does have weapons of math destruction. Allen Warren.

Dave Tozier says that the following are the words of animal lovers' to their pets

WOLF: "You make me HOWL with joy."

RACCOON: "I can't MASK my, strong positive, feelings for you." 

SKUNK: "You're my, lil', 'STINKER.'" 

SNAKE: "I'll aSSSSSt you with all of your desires." 

BOAR: "You HOG my heart." 

SPIDER: "I'm, forever, ENTANGLED with you." 

FROG: "I'm, almost, SPEECHLESS -- I have EWE in my THROAT, my PRINCE." [GULP]

Jacqueline Odlum punts these at us,
How do crazy people go through the forest? - They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water? - Boil the hell out of it.
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall? "Dam!"
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? - Polaroid's.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? - A stick.
What do you call Santa's helpers? - Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand? - Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow? - Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? - Frostbite.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? - A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a dog with no legs? - Right where you left him.
Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? - Sanka.
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn."
A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!
What do you call a man with a car on his head? - Jack
How do you catch a wild, one-of-a-kind rabbit? - Unique up on it!
How do you catch a tame rabbit? - Tame way, unique up on it!

..and so we come to the end of the new beginning with a reminder that A day without puns is like a day without sunshine. There's gloom for improvement.

See you next month, if we MAY.

Volume 24 April, 2003 The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

Box 5040, Station A,

Toronto Ontario, M5WIN4 Canada

Email to punpunpun@rogers.comVisit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com                          

The Pundit

The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation

May 2003

This May be a two issue issue. We are devoting these two to the World Championships PUN_OFF being held in Austin Texas on May 3. This, then, is the first part of two and will contain past champions' entries and the next part will be on the winners' entries to this year's ‘PUN_OFF. It should come out shortly after the PUN_OFF, perhaps Cinqo de Mayo. Here then, are past PUN_OFF entries:

Jim Ertner May 19, 2001 O.Henry Pun-Off 2nd Place, Punniest of Show (This routine placed 2nd in the 1991 PUN_OFF.

This is horseracing time of the year, especially with the Triple
Crown events -- one of which is actually running today. (In fact, I put on
this ponytail just to get in the spirit.) My mind wanders much further
back, though, to one of the world's most famous horse riders, namely, Lady
Godiva.
In her most celebrated ride, Lady Godiva didn't win, nor even
place -- but she sure did show. That reminds me what happened to Lady
Godiva's horse when he saw she had no clothes on. It made him shy. Or, as
one non-shy horse said to another: "Your pace or mine?" Or, as another
horse said to yet another one: "I forgot your mane, but your pace is familiar."
Let me now try to stirrup some interest in horseracing. Did you
hear about the superstitious jockey who always competed at the same place?
He had a one-track mind. Then there was the horse that was all charged up
-- because it ate haywire. That somehow reminds me of the tow truck at a
racetrack. It was trying to pull a fast one.
I would be remiss without saying something about gambling. Did
you hear about the gambler who crossed asparagus with horseradish? He
wanted some hot tips for the racetrack. Another gambler was hiding in the
shrubbery next to the racetrack. He was hedging his bets. I once read about
a gambler who fed his hen some racing forms -- so she'd lay odds for him.
Speaking of riding horses, the ancient Greek mythological god of
thunder, Thor, went for a ride on a horse. "I'm Thor!!" he thundered.
The horse answered, "No wonder you're Thor. You forgot the thaddle, thilly."

Besides being silly, these puns can lead you to drink. In fact,
there's a new drink -- popular in Boston -- called the "Paul Revere
cocktail." Two drinks and you wake the neighbors and start horsing around.
Finally (or as Lady Godiva said towards the end of her ride, "I'm
nearing my clothes"), I'm happy to report that horses are funny. Or, as I
always say: "Show me a herd of horses with a sense of humor, and I'll show
you a laughing stock."
And before making a laughing stock of myself, I'm going to stop
telling these tales of whoa. Neigh -- no more.

Here is what Tiff Wimberly has to say about her 1991 routine:

HELLO!
As you all know, I placed third in Punniest of Show and was happy and
honored to share the stage with Steve Brooks and Jim Ertner, first and
second place winners, respectively.
For those of you who were unable to attend I have enclosed the transcript
of my pun piece (movement noted in parentheses).
My costume was made up of battery operated Christmas lights (4 strings, 60
lights) which my husband wired so that I could blink them off and on. Hmm,
I think I might have to start a new flashion trend!
I just wanted to filament or two of your time with this brilliant idea that
I had. Plucked from the fashion runways of Paris, this is the latest in
haute (hot) couture. And it is the only dress that I know of that I can
have my cake and heat it too. (Remove a piece of cake from my dress top.)
MMM! Now that's a taste of my own Edison but I really shouldn't be eating
one of these because if you haven't already guessed I am a little bulbous
back here. (Turning to show my other cheek to the audience.)
In case you are wondering, I am currently punning on batteries because you
know me I am EverReady for a pun. And to screw up a line from Johnny
Cash..."Because I shine, I alkaline." D cells are back here (turning to show the audience the battery pack)...C? Cells! Actually they are not C cells because I could never hope to be much more than a double A. (Adjust the shoulder straps of my dress.) This outfit did require some light sewing. You might say that I was a
beamstress. At first I thought about sewing on birthday candles but that
wasn't such a bright idea because if I thought this dress was hot that
dress would have been torture. (Removing a Bic lighter from my dress and lighting it.)
My husband was a little perplexed by all of this. "Wire you doing this?" he
asked.
And I said "But honey, I always thought you wanted to see your dame in
lights....besides I needed an outlet for my creativity." Switching topics
(I use the switch to flash the lights on my dress)...gee I hope I don't get arrested for flashing but even if I did I would probably get off with a light sentence."
(I turn the lights off.)

Well, my time is almost up so I really must be glowing (turn the lights back on.)
but before I go I would like to say that I have really taken a shine to you
all you have been a delightful audience. Well, I'm off! (Turn the lights off.)

This routine won the 1997 Punniest of Show for Steve Brooks:
CARSTIANITY

"Haul a Yugo. Haul a Yugo."
Gearly beloved, we are Blazered here in the name of our Four-door,
who art in Half-ton.
I'm speaking of our lord and Mazda, Jeep-sus Chrysler.
He is the Alfa and the Romeo.
He was born in a Ranger, he was Tempo'd by the DeVille,
and he Daihatsu'd for your Sentras.
He said, "Dodge not, that ye not be Dodged.
Thou shalt not Corvette thy neighbor's Whitewall,
but turn the other Cherokee.
If ye have Fiat, ye can move Montecarlos.
He ain't Chevy, he's my Beretta."
He ate the Last Supra,
and he climbed the mount of Cavalier,
where they Cruise-controlled him on the Motocross.
But God, in his Infiniti Mercedes, did Rolls away the Stanza.
Let us Prelude:
Sayeth the prophet Isuzu, in the Dusenburg Bible,
In the 23rd Saab,

"The Ford is my Chauffeur.
I shall not Walk.
He Lexus me in the paths of Right-turn-signals.
Yea, though I walk through the Valet of the Shadow of Dart,
I shall Fiero no Eagle.
Subaru Goodwrench and Mercury shall Volvo me Audi Daytonas
of my life, and I shall Dwellmeter house of Delorean,
Four-cylinder."
Gloria, In Ex-Celica Geo!


A Punniest of show winner by Steve Brooks:

"Jalapeno, Jalapeno, Jalapeno, Jalapeno." I've discovered a wonderful new
philosophy that has raised my consciousness as well as my cholesterol. It's
called Tex-Mexistentialism.

It all started with the philosopher Juan-Paul Salsa, who wrote, "To Bean,
or Nacho to Bean, that is the Queso."
He was followed by his great disciple, Descarta Blanca, who said, "I
Pinto, therefore, Cayenne."
Some trace it to ancient Grease, where the great thinker Aristortilla
wrote the book Plata's RePulpo.
Meanwhile, over in ancient India, they believed in Chili con Karma - that
what Casa round, Carne's around.
And back in the Holy Land, The prophet Masa brought The Ten Comidas:
"Thou Salt not Tequila."
"Honor Tamale and thy Papaya."
"Blessed are the Migas, for they shall Ranchero the Burps."
"Give a man an Enchilada, he'll Taco Mole."
"Arroz is Arroz by Flameada name."
"In the Picante, Guisada Cerveza'd the Hongas and the Verde.
And he saw that it was Food."

I'd like to close by reciting The Lard's Prayer:
"Our Fajita, who art in Huevos, Pollo'd be Muy Bueno.
Thy Corona come, thy Chili be Con, on Cuervo it is El Jefe.
Forgive us our Tres Amigos,
as we forgive those who Seis Salsas against us.
Lettuce not into Tomatillo, but Nuevo us from Fritos.
For thine is the Gringo, the Agua and the Chorizo.
In the name of the Flauta, and of the Flan, and of
the Frijole ghost.
A-Menudo."

This is 2001 winning entry at the O Henry Pun-Off. Steve Brooks came out
wearing a George W. Bush Mask.

INHALE TO THE CHIEF

My Kilo Americans.
Let me Freak to you of a Homegrown Texan, who's Resin to the
Highest Possession in this great Hallucination, the original
Come-Pushing-It conservative, the Pass-the-Hemp of the Fume-Lighted States,
George Drug-Use Bushel. (Removes mask)
He grew up near the Mescaline border. These days, he's
Hippie-Critical, but Ounce upon a time, he was a Peyote animal. A-Codeine
to some sources, he had a Morphine violation, but his Poppy Baled him out,
and it never made the Papers. He studied Acid-uously, earned his LSD, and
graduated Ganga cum Loaded.

He came home to Marijuana those Texas girls. Then, opportunity
Narced: a Grass-roots run for the Opiate Office. His campaign Stoners gave
Sinsemilla Dealers, Amphetamine to IV advertising. But election day was a
Heroine experience. The votes were Sliff. The lead Zig-Zagged for weeks. It
was Reefer Count Madness! But thanks to the Supreme Snort, he won by a Nose.
He's still Burning the Ropes of the job, with help from Colin
Powder, former Head of the the Joint Sheafs of Stash. They're trying to
Psychedelic-ate balance between Tokes cuts for the Roach, and helping the
Needles, while Cheeching kids to Weed, by giving Tracks dollars to the Free
Methodist Prayer Force.
He's on a Roll. We're all sitting on Ecstasy what he's Cocaine up
next.
So when you hear Inhale to the Chief, Just say Snow.

In 2002, Jim Ertner and Tiff Wimberly tied for Punniest of show. Here are their
winning routines:

Animal Alphabet
There's a little known animal that begins with the letter X. It's actually
a Greek swordfish, spelled X-I-P-H-I-I-D-A-E, and it's pronounced
ZIFF-EYE-IH-DEE.
As Paul Harvey might say, "Now for the REST of the story."
I'd like to present an ABC primer on animal puns.
AARDVARK a million miles to put 26 animal puns in alphabetical order.
I'd BADGER you and I'd keep CARPING on the subject, until I have no iDEERs
left. I'd have no EGRETs, however, as I FERRET out more animal puns. If
necessary, I'd even GOPHER broke. Some may say it's a HAREbrained attempt;
but, IGUANA tell you, I'm no JACKASS -- and I KID you not. I'm not doing
this for a LARK (although maybe just a MITE) So don't NAG me. In fact, you
OTTER try to PARROT me. But don't QUAIL from the challenge. After all, you
don-t have to be a RACCOON-teur. So just SALMON up some courage, before you
take a TERN for the worse. Don't be afraid of people saying to you,
"UNICORNiest person I know." Stop crying and VIPER nose. Then say, "WALLABY
a son-of-a-gun," and start singing, "Zip-a-dee doo-dah, XIPHIIDAE ay." Soon
you'll be a YAK-of-all-trades, and can put all of these animal puns in a
book called "Who's ZOO." (By Jim Ertner)

Oz:
It's time for a great and powerfal PAUSE for the weather. . . I'm your
meteorologist Dorothy GALE. The forecast for OZtin calls for mostly PUNNY
with a chance of BLUNDER.

So, WINDCHILL like to hear my CURRENT CONDITIONS? You may recall I HAIL
from Kansas where I WEATHERED a TURBULENT childhood. I was hit in the head
with a window and I'm still feeling that PANE. My house dropped on a witch
but I wasn't arrested for HOME-ICIDE. Then I met men with mo brain, no
heart and no courage. . . typical! I'm sorry. . . I just dumped my
conceited boyfriend. so, now I'm somewhere over my VAIN BEAU. But, this was
like my third loser. . . so it seems I've PICKED my HEELS three times!
I dated a hypnotist from ARID ZONA and there was no DROUGHT about it I was
under his DRY SPELL. He treated me like a NIMBUS CELL. I hit a RECORD LOW
and my dog was a TOTO basket case! When we broke up I said to my dog,
"Toto, I have a feeling we are not in TRANCES anymore!"
I dated a weatherman named Barry Metric. He was good-looking, FAHRENHEIT
but an ABSOLUTE ZERO. I PREDICTED a STORMY RELATIONSHIP WITH A 50%CHANCE OF ISOLATED PAIN. Our WHIRLWIND courtship RAN HOT. . . COLD and he wanted to get CIRRUS. I could feel BARRY METRIC PRESSURE me to marry him but, he hung out in ISOBARS and drank so many WINES AND CIDERS AND BEERS, oh my! I said he had problems and he said DEWPOINT them out. I gave him the third degree which PRECIPITATED our break up.
Lookingback, inRELATIVE HUMILITY, my life hasn't been a BREEZE! Maybe this
was all a dream. You've been an OZsome crowd. . . I bid you all a DEW!
(By Tiff Wimberly)

Carlotta Stankiewitcz and Jim Hahn tied for third place in the 2002
Punniest of Show competition. Here are their routines:

Allergies:
Even if you're new to Austin, you've probably noticed all the CONGESTION:
It's awful. In fact, it's aPOLLEN.. If you suffer like I do, you probably
get the ALLERGIST of what I'm saying. You know what springtime has in SPORE
for us.
The thing is, HIVES seen a doctor. He said, ALLERGY whiz, look ACHOO!
It's not just me, I said. It's my whole family. You can CEDAR FEVER rising
every day. And my sister, Hista, refuses to share her medicine with my
kids. They say, "ANTIHISTAMINE."
So doc, I said, We're SUDAFED up, we'd TISSUE if you found a cure. Just
ASTHMA husband. RAGWEED take anything to MUCOUS feel better-just SINUS up!
I even got down on my SNEEZE.
So he gave me something he said would CLARITIN a few hours.
I thought, it DUST MITE work. But now I NOSE he was pulling my ALLEGRA.
Sometimes I feel like saying, "HAY FEVER! Go PECAN someone your own size!
I'm MOLD and tired AFRIN all these years."

But ELM not gonna let it get to me. I'm going home to play SNIFFLEball
with the kids, grill up some hamBOOGERS, kick back and take it SNEEZY.
Thanks for listening- it's BENADRYL. Hope I didn't BLOW it. Make sure you
give all DECONGESTANTS a hand.
Because you might think getting up here's easy but it's SNOT,
(By Carlotta Stankiewicz)

The Sermon:

Halo, and welcome to Survival Revival. My name's Pastor Present. Today I'm
preaching about Satan; I'll tell you, my friends we're all "Marching to
Purgatoria."
In the beginning, you could tell something was Eden on that
snake-in-the-grass! Didn't give Adam about anything, Eve-n when he was Abel
to raise a little ... Cain here and there. But Old Scratch was itching to
achieve great blas-phame and fortune. When he came faith to faith with
a-men of good character, he wouldn't take Noah for an answer. Wasn't his
"ark-chetype of a guy."
Now God didn't let the world fiend for itself, He launched a Promising
Land venture with a guy named Aber, hamming it up down somewhere between
modern-day Iraq and a hard place. "Abe -- I make you my chosen people,
because Jew are a cut above the average!" That was about the circumcise of
it, but how Beelze-bubbled with rage!
Later, he tried a-Nile-ating the Hebrew slaves. Moses was a virtual
basket-case that Pharaoh was foul and foul was Pharaoh. E-gypt Is-real bad,
which the Man Upstairs wasn't about to lightly Passover. He broke up that
little pyramid scheme, and then after sending the Jews running for the
emergency exodus -- everything was kosher.
If Satan shook his Faust at a good man once, he did it a millennium times!
Remember King David? Got him into hot water just for taking a warm Bath --
sheba! King Solomon? Made him completely lose his temple. Jonah? Whale,
that drop in prophet was hard to swallow! ClearIy Satin's Sodom-ination of
the world like there was no Gomorrah.
Now -- you're thinking: What Arma-you-geddon so worried about? Well,
friend, read my apocalips: the End is near. 1-for-an-eye kid you not. When
you see the handwriting on the wall, it's time to reprint.
This may seem like hell-fire to you now, but remember: this is only a
warming! Imagine everlasting PUN-ishment! For heaven's sake, don't play
idol games, 'cause if you gamble with a Para-dise, you'll Lucifer-ever your
soul.
God bless and ... Hallelu-y'all!
(By Jim Hahn)

The 1995 Pun-Off Punniest of show, Lee Jackson, presented this routine:

Welcome, friends! Welcome to this meeting of the Church of Spicentology. I
am your pastor for the evening, Brother Herb Gardner.
Now, those of you new among us might be wondering what this "Spicentology"
is all about. Well, I'll tell you. But, I'm not going to try and chive you
into something you're not ready for. Instead, I'm going to appeal to your
basil emotions. So, sit back, get comfrey, and listen to their sage advice.
I want you to listen to the story of Jesus. Yes, Jesus was a
Spicentologist, friends! Remember his words to the Pharisees who tried to
stone the harlot:
"Let he who is without cinnamon you cast the first stone."
I want you to listen to the story of Faust. Yes, Faust, the man who sold
his soul to make a dill with the devil!
And friends, I want you to listen to the story of Scarlett O'Hara, who
left her home for Atlanta to try and curry favor with the locals. But, when
her unsavory caper with Rhett Butler fell through, she decided to return to
Tara to try and understand what her poppy seed in that place. But learn
from her mistake friends - she finally gets home to Tara, anise too late -
tarragon!
So, friends, do not parsley give yourself to Spicentology. Do not walk
gingerly down the primrose path! No! Just throw all your caraway and
juniper right into it! For, remember the words of our great Spicentologist
leader, John F. Kennedy:
"Ask not what your cumin tree cayenne do for you - ask what you cayenne do
for your cumin tree."
Amen, and good night!
Copyright (c) 1995 Lee Jackson All Rights Reserved

..and so we go and say ‘a day without puns is like a day without sunshine, there's gloom for improvement.

Volume 24 May 2003

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the

International Save the Pun Foundation.

It is published for the inspiration and enjoyment of its members.

Membership in the foundation comes in 4 sizes:

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

E mail mailto:ngilbert@netcom.ca

Visit us on the web at http://www.punpunpun.com/

The Pundit

The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation

June 2003

The 26th O.HENRY PUN-OFF WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS ARE NOW HISTORY.

Here for your reading and enjoying pleasure are the results of this august (in May) word fest.

The winners of Punniest of Show were:

1st - Carlotta Stankiewicz
2nd -Judy Dean & her mother, June Morris
3rd - Steve Nagel

There were 23 competitors in the High Lies & Low Puns competition. Here two contestants are given a topic such as "Internal Body Parts". Each contestant has 5 seconds to come up with a new pun on the topic or be eliminated. If you make a pun on a word that has been punned before (such as liver) you get one strike and with 3 strikes you are eliminated.

The winners of High Lies & Low Puns were:

1st - Brian Snider
2nd - David Gugenheim
3rd - Greg Chandler

The McClughan Memorial Most Viable Punster Award was selected by the
competitors themselves and was awarded to Carlotta Stankiewicz.

======Here are their winning routines======

"M & M, the Candy Wrapper" by Carlotta Stankiewicz

Carlotta came out dressed as a rapper with an M & M tee shirt and wowed
the audience and judges with this routine done entirely in rap:


Yo! Yo!
Hey, look at me
It's gonna be
Like taking candy from a BABY RUTH
That's the truth!
Cause this 0. HENRY BARd's gonna LICK these SUCKERS
While the crowd SNICKERS and CHUCKLES.
My puns are GOOD N PLENTY;
That's what I MINT, see!
Just watch as this TOOTSIE ROLLS with the punches
And NESTLE CRUNCHES her competition.

JUJUBE saying, Look at her, she's RED HOTS!
Nothing can GOBSTOPPER!
Watch her WHOPPER opponents!

Look at HERSHEY BARS their way
With wordplay
SKITTLE be my PAYDAY!
You'll see what I mean;
I'll have 'em PRALINE for mercy.

Just CHOCOLATE up to experience;
Ain't gonna FUDGE a bit,
Ain't gonna budge a bit
Till your JAWBREAKERS open and
Your GUMDROPS out and you shout
That's one witty CHICLET who treats us to her TWIX
While she PIXY STIX it to the others.

Yo! Hate to burst your BUIBBLEGIJM, ya DUM-DUMs,
But the time has come
To see this STARBURST upon the scene.
Wanna beat me? BUTTERFINGER out a way.
Better get a LIFESAVER, all you MILK DUDS & GOOBERS.
You're in for MOUNDS of TRUFFLE,
Cause SUGAR, in the end,
It's M&M they all clap fer
It's M&M, the CANDY WRAPPER!

======

"PUNelope's Come-upPUNce: An ExPUNentially Ridiculous Tale of Capital
(of Texas) PUNishment" by Judy Dean and June Morris

First time competitors, Judy Dean and her mother, June Morris, presented
this rapid interchange on the word "pun":


Judy: Now listen carefully to deePUN appreciation and helP
UNderstanding. Once UPUN a time...
June: Is this about a PUNny rabbit?
No.
PUNocchjo?
No, it's about a sPUNky little girl.
RaPUNzel!
No, it's about PUNelope ChipPUNdale, a poor girl in homesPUN clothes
recovering from an apPUNdectomy. She was having cinnamon PUNs and
JaPUNese tea, when she decided to go PUNgee jumping in AsPUN.
Oh, that sounds like PUN!
You mean fun.
No, I mean PUN.
So she drove off in her blue SuburPUN uP UNtil she ran out of gas, then
she walked until her PUNions ached. Finally she came to a PUNinsula in
PeloPUNesia where she found a PUNgalow festoooned with PUNting and a
PUNana tree out front with an aPUNdance of fruit that had just riPUNed.
She had no comPUNction about picking a PUNana for herself, I suppose?
Oh, she was afraid of getting caught and PUNished, so she knocked on the
door but accidentally PUNched a hole in it. Then the door oPUNed and
there stood a PUNjabi wearing a cummerPUNd and perPUNdicular to his side
a sword.
A weaPUN!
So PUNelope asked for a PUNana. And the PUNjabi said, "Help yourself,
but first bring me a carPUNter."
So did she find a carPUNter?
Yeah, she called Karen CarPUNter, who arrived PUNctually with some
ramPUNctious fans on their way to a PUNk rock concert.
CarPlJNters fans don't like PUNk rock.
Oh, they were going just to protest. They'd been drinking tropical PUNch
all day.
So they were PUNch drunk?
By then they all needed to exPUNge, so one by one they stepped behind
the PUNana tree.
Oh no!
Oh, yes! Then the PUNjabi came out and detected a PUNgent odor. He
demanded, "What's hapPUNing?
And?
Then Karen CarPUNter said, "Just like me, they had to pee close to you."
Thankfully, the end.

======

"Accounting For Bad Taste: My Family Tree" by Steve Nagle

The Bronze metal went to Steve Nagle for this multilingual routine:

I came by my confusion about words naturally. I grew up hearing my
grandparents speak to me in four languages. These are the stories they
told me about my family origins and their philosopies of life.

My English grandfather, Hugh Morris Wird-Pleigh said:

"If ONE wants TWO follow the family THREE, it requires some FOURsight.
I know. FIVE done it! Though it made me SIX sometimes. Its seven harder
than you think, makes you EIGHT your assi-NINE relatives, off-TEN."

My German grandfather was Otto Nobader. He said:

"Drink!! I'm not l'EIN. Dats ZWEI DREI ice and cold VIER are my recipe
for gut time. Can have FUNF! Lots of SECHS, SIEBEN. I ACHT-o know. It
can be a NEUN to others, but it keeps you ZEHN!"

My French/Scottish grandmother, Anne-Marie McQuick told me:

"UN(h)! DEUX TROIS to listen! I came on ze ship "Leon d'Afrique," but
ze QUATRE CINQ On ze SIX! I was SEPT to begin farming huit. But E-NEUF!
I met your grandfather, and DIX is how it EES!"

My last grandmother was Spanish royalty. Her name was Leticia Juana
Countess Blassings. The countess told me:

"I am UNO DOS 'at TRES my origins QUATRO far, don't you CINCO? No
matter what anyone SEIS, SIETE your sights on OCHO want, an' NUEVE
goodbye to bad times. Other people have bad cards? Not you! You hold DIES!"

TO THE VICTORS, GO THE SPOILS. CONGRATULATIONS.

Life member Bob Clark says, as he shares these, "FOR ALL YOU LEXOPHILES"

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate Clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat

JJJ

There's something wrong with my knees.

I thought you had a nephew?

JJJ

Warren Allen, prolific provider of puns for the Pundit asks,

Do you know the most popular '60's American Rock and Roll duet in Iraq right now?  Sunni and Shi'a

Did you hear about the satellite dish antennas that got married?

The wedding was kind of weird, but the reception was fantastic!

JJJ

I understand that pop musician Eminem avoids going to the beach because he

doesn't want to become a plain brown rapper. (Reports Norm Steven)

JJJ

Brian Charles asked that we revive some of his favourite plays on words. So, we herewith come ply.
On golden puns
I am nobody's fool, is how I have always thought of myself. Now that I realize the phrase can also mean unemployed humorist that makes it even more apt.

I will not despair. Not even when I look in a mirror and see the similarity with 20 rabbits all in a row when they take a step back. They become a receding hare-line.

I went to a butcher's shop to buy half-a-rabbit for dinner only to find that the owner would not split hares.

Every night I dream I wrote Lord of the Rings but realized that I was only Tolkein in my sleep.

Now things are bad and getting worse. How do I know that? Well, as one atom told another, "I think I've lost an electron". The other answered, "Are you sure?" The first atom replied, "I'm positive."

Fred Allen, the comedian, said of men like me, "Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted."

Dave Barry, another comedian, disagrees, "Puns are little 'plays on words' that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are  thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.

"I was in a boat once and we landed on this island that was supposed to have buried treasure. I advised one of my colleagues to jump into a swamp that fringed the island and he would find the loot. Soon after he started walking in the ooze he hit something hard with his lower leg, just above his ankle. It turned out to be a treasure-chest. Everyone started to congratulate me, asking me how I knew where the treasure was. "Elementary", I said. "Booty is only shin deep".

People thought Sherlock Holmes invented the term "Elementary" when asked by his companion, Dr.Watson, what school he attended when he was a boy. But that has proven to be false. What actually happened was that Sherlock Holmes and Watson were on a case when Sherlock turned to Watson and announced, "The murderer lives in the house with the yellow door". "Good grief, Holmes," replied Watson. "How on earth did you deduce that?" "Lemon entry, my dear Watson", Holmes replied impatiently.

When people tell me that a pun is the lowest form of wit, I tell them that poetry is verse.

Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

JJJ

So, we come to the end lines and ask you to remember that,  a day without puns is like a day without sunshine, there's gloom for improvement.

Volume 24 JUNE  2003

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the

International Save the Pun Foundation.

It is published for the inspiration and enjoyment of its members.

Membership in the foundation comes in 4 sizes:

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

E mail mailto:ngilbert@netcom.ca Visit us on the web at http://www.punpunpun.com/

THE PUNDIT

The official ‘e'newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation

July 2003

"LOOKING AT LANGUAGE" What's in a Name?  By Richard Lederer.

An aptronym is a name that is especially suited to the profession of its owner, such as Dan Druff for a barber, Felicity Foote for a dance teacher and James Bugg for an exterminator - all real monikers. More famously, we have Sally Ryde the astronaut, Larry Speakes the White House spokesperson, Margaret Court the tennis star, William Wordsworth the poet, Jim Kiick the football star and Lorena Bobbitt ("bob it") the you-know-what-er.

          This past May, an aptronymous fellow won the World Series of Poker main event and collected 2.5 million dollars, the largest prize of any competition in the world. This fellow won his way into the tournament by playing on line and had never participated in a live, face-to-face competition. The winner's name was - ta da! - Chris Moneymaker.

* * *

On reviewing the items on an installment of the PSAT (Preliminary School Assessment Test), a high school teacher wrote to the College Board that the desired answer for one item was not technically correct. The question asked if there was a grammatical error in this sentence: "Toni Morrison's genius enables her to create novels that arise from and express the injustices African Americans have endured." the College Board thought the sentence was correct, but a journalism teacher in Maryland told the officials that the word her did not refer back to Toni Morrison but to Toni Morrison's -- an error in grammar.

A better version would be "The genius of Toni Morrison enables her to create novels that arise from and express the injustices African Americans have endured." Picky, picky, but the teacher's complaint was sufficiently incisive so that the College Board did throw out the question.

* * *   

On July 4, 1776, the Congress of the North American colonies of Great Britain (afterward the United States) passed the Declaration of Independence. Here's a little four-play that features the number four, sometimes spelled out exactly, sometimes simply sounded. Identify each four word from each clue below:

1. opposite of after

2. a cry on a golf course

3. the head of a jury

4. the start of some books

5. a symbol of good luck

6. a derogatory term for a person who wears eye glasses

7. inevitable, as in "a _____ conclusion"

8. miserable, as in "a _____ hope"

9. a meeting place, court, or tribunal

10. describing material that has come earlier in a text

11. a system of signaling, especially with hand-held flags

12. premeditation to commit an unlawful act

13. what the press is sometimes called

14. a figurative comparison between two objects or ideas that are dissimilar

15. a dissembler, especially in poker

          Answers

•1.    before

•2.    fore

3. foreperson

4. foreword

5. four-leaf clover

6. four-eyes

7. foregone

8. forlorn

9. forum

10. aforementioned

11. semaphore

12. malice aforethought

13. the Fourth Estate (the first three being the nobility, the clergy and the common people)

14. metaphor

15. four flusher.

In a recent issue of STITCHES, The Journal of Medical Humour, Richard wrote, "MIND THOSE MISNOMERS!" It's ironic, writes Richard, that the humour in hospitals, emergency rooms and doctors' offices --usually some of the scariest places for patients -- can be exceedingly hilarious. The giddy ghost of Mrs. Malaprop haunts medical halls and application forms, where we discover all manner of strange conditions, such as swollen asteroids, an erection nervosa, the shudders, and migrating headaches. All the malaproppiate terms in this little disquisition are certified, genuine, authentic and unretouched -- miscreated by anxious patients or hassled doctors and nurses. 

"A man went to his eye doctor, who told him he had a case of MYOPERA and would have to wear contract lenses...

Another had a cadillac removed from his eye...

A hyannis hernia, hanging hammeroids, inflammation of the strocum and a blockage of his large intesticle could have rendered him impudent...."

You can visit Richard Lederer ( The International Save the Pun Foundation Punster of the Year, 1990) on his website http://www.verbivore.com/

***

Trouble in a Coal Mining Town, By Alan B. Combs

I was talking with my aunt from West Virginia the other day.  She was distraught and not totally coherent, but she said the sheriff had come to take her dog away.

I asked her, "Why ever would he do a thing like that?"
She replied, "I really don't understand it, but it seemed to have something to do with one of the types of coal we mine from around here."
"Something to do with anthracite?," I asked.
"No."
"Lignite?"
"No."
"Bitumen?"
"Yeah, that was it."

***

Norm Stevenson authors these short stories,

When I walked into the dark saloon from the bright sunlight, I could see nothing. The music inside was strangely raucous and unmelodic  but when my eyes adjusted to the low light and I saw the  piercing eyes and dark bobbing heads of the patrons I realized I had wandered into a crowbar.  

When lassie finally got home, the whole village started singing "Hello Collie". Is Ezra pound the poet laureate of stray dogs? 

A well known psychic was arrested in California after she accurately forecast looting and burning in a Los Angeles neighborhood.  She was charged with insighting a riot.

Lines fly when you're having pun. A local food critic recently wrote in a review "their emu pot pie was a half baked idea." It was a classic pie pan.

I heard that the final Harry Potter book has already been written. It tells of Harry's life after he loses his wizard powers, moves to Paris, becomes a drunk and tries to drown himself.  In summary, Harry, potted, goes in Seine.

...and from John Niland

I once had a fine looking, long nosed dog,  who had an unusually bright red
coat, the color of  a ripe watermelon.  She had pups last year and we
naturally called her off -spring meloncollie babies.

I once knew a man, by the last name of Bean,  who had a moving and packing company.  He contracted to have all of his trucks painted green, along with his logo (a green bean) on the side of the trucks.  The painter that he hired turned out to be color blind and he painted all of the trucks
gray.  Not having the money to repaint the trucks, the quick thinking mover
just changed the name of his company to the Bean Gray Packers.

... Michael Gray Jr. submits that due to an unfortunate fire in Brazil last year, half of the world's rubber trees were destroyed.  Despite this terrible event, the rubber tree population has managed to bounce back.

Speaking of trees, I wood say that the tree that has the most friends is the popular.  If we trace back through its roots, we find that the popular first came to Europe when the ruler of Barkshire was having trouble keeping his golf balls from rolling away while he was trying to hit them.  He paid Russia a generous sum of money to bring populars to Russia, so he could make himself a golf tee out of wood.  This, of course, was one of the world's first tree-tees.
 

...and so we close July with the offering that A day without puns is like a day without sunshine, there's gloom for improvement.

Volume 24 JULY  2003

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.

It is published for the inspiration and enjoyment of its members.

E mail mailto:ngilbert@netcom.ca Visit us on the web at http://www.punpunpun.com/

THE PUNDIT

The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation

August 2003

These are the dog daze of summer. We have Barbeques and we take long walks in the park.  Then we complain that it's too hot, then it's too wet and then it's too cold. So remember that you saw the old saw here that goes,

"Whether the weather is cold,

Or whether the weather is hot,

We'll whether the weather whatever the weather,

Whether we like it or not."

 In some parts of the world, where some members of the ISTPF are, the reverse is true. Now that sounds backward but it reads forward. Alas, on with the wordplay.

New Definitions    

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MYTH:
A female moth.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
A sunburned grape.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have.  You have character lines.

From Lewis O'Brien come these words from a holy book of puns:

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Secola Antonio, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Secola was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and, upon graduation became
priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Secola was just a cut above Timothy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of bishop, archbishop and finally cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would either be one of the two who would become the next pope.

In time the pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less
time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the
world waited to see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular were surprised to learn that
Timothy Murphy had been elected pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Secola knew he was the better qualified. With gall that
shocked the Cardinals, Secola asked for a private session with them in which
he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"
After a long silence, an old cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and
rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could
not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called "Pope Secola."

Effect of Supreme Court Decision on a Confection

All of a sudden, M&M's have gone from one of the best confections to diverse.  (Sweetening the pot here is Bronislaw R. Wonsiewicz (Bud))

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY by Estelle Davis from down under:
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than
Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no
recollection of what to do with them.

Another treasure from Trevor Johnson, What happens when a long-haired person goes into a barber shop? He becomes dis-tressed. 

Richard Weiss, member from Michigan, reported about this visit with his medic. Recently I had a bad case of intestinal flu so, for several days I ate very little: rice, soft boiled eggs, tea and white toast.  Consequently I had very tiny bowel movements. When I reported this condition to the doctor he told me, "Don't worry about it, it's not serious. It's called, 'Turdettes' Syndrome"!

Gary Hallock, Executing Director summer vacation memories:

Air Mattress: Should be done at least once a year to keep it from
smelling funky.

Cruise Line: People queued up waiting to see "Minority Report."

Boardwalk: A long monotonous stroll along an empty beach.

Sea Gulls: What most guys hope to do at the beach.

Ice Cream: What I do every time one of the kids asks, "Are we there yet?"

 Did you hear about the veterinarian who was barred from performing
any surgery because he suffered from bouts of epilepsy? The cops
busted him for attempting to operate on a sick predatory bird but the
case was thrown out on a technicality. It was an ill eagle surgeon
seizure.

The security guard surprised a freelance locksmith inside the
warehouse. He knew this fellow had been up to no good because he
suddenly made a bolt for the door.

Most monkeys are not interested in politics because they're
ape-olitical.

...and so we come to the end of another in the many volumes of puns.Enjoy the rest of the summer, (winter in the down below) and remember always that a day without puns is like a day without sunshine, there's gloom for improvement.

Volume 24 August 2003

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.

It is published for the inspiration and enjoyment of its members.

E mail punpunpun@rogers.com Visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

THE PUNDIT

The official 'e'newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation

September 2003

Summer sure slipped by

In a rush of hot and wet

Careful, don't you fall.

We begin, as we are blessed with the talents of many paranamours. Paranamours who have punned memorable puns and passed them on to us to be inscribed in the PUNDIT. One of these formidable talents is Cynthia MacGregor. She shows her wily way with words, which we share herewith you.

CYNFUL DAFFYNITIONS

Dormitory - The line following "Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques"
Administration - Happens to a woman once a month
Ivy halls - The name of the Dean's secretary.

Texts - The people you call for help when your computer crashes
Lecture - To allow something pertaining to you, as in "Lecture self sleep
during the professor's talk. I'll loan you my notes later."
Pizza - What Peter is, as in "Pizza great football player."
Semester - When a female makes a shambles of things, as in, "Semester whole schedule up by signing up for that course."
Grade - The opposite of terrible.

JJJ

THESE HEADLINES MAKE NEWS WORDY NEWS:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says.
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers.
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms.
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over.
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids.

...cont'd

Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant.
War Dims Hope for Peace.
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile.
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures.
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide.
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead.
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge.
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft.
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks.
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy.
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half.
Hospitals Sued by 7 Foot Doctors.

JJJ

Lorena Bobbitt's sister, Luella, was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done to her husband, several years ago.
Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage.
The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition and Luella has been charged with a Misdewiener.

JJJ

SOME SIGNS SEEN SEEMINGLY PUNDERFUL:

 Tank Truck sign:   "We're #1 in the #2 business."
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in."
On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On a Plumber's truck:"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?

At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
At a Propane Filling Station: "Tank heaven for little grills."

JJJ

"We'll have to rehearse that," said the undertaker as the coffin fell out
                  of the car.

JJJ

DIDJA HEARS FROM GARY HALLOCK, EXECUTING DIRECTOR AT THE ISTPF

Didja hear about the lumberjack who woke up early one morning
feeling chipper? He lost three fingers.

Didja hear the story about the hypnotist who could make a lady
forget anything? You may actually have heard this story and not
recall it. It's the sort of tale that could leave your heads, women.

Didja hear about the time that Roy Rogers' wife tried to give up
cigarettes? She started gaining a lot of weight so she came up with a
way to counteract this. She started puffing on a big fat stogie every
day to induce vomiting. The system worked so well that she began
marketing it as a weight loss plan. Perhaps you've heard of it. It's
now known as the "Cigars Dale Diet."

Didja hear that the author of Tobacco Road was a hypochondriac? He
seemed to be sick all the time. In fact you'd seldom hear Erskine
called well.

THEN CYNTHIA MACGREGOR FOLLOWED WITH:

Didja hear about the counter-protest to the movement to take the word
"French" out of all things culinary? These counter-protesters didn't
like our beloved foods held hostage to verbal politics, especially when
the foods didn't have brains to defend themselves. Their rallying cry? "Free
dumb fries!"

Didja hear about the wife who was perpetually on her husband's case
to stop playing Frisbee in the house? Seems that against her wishes he'd
unexpectedly lob the Frisbee to her. She wouldn't see it coming, and
it would unerringly land on the keys of the piano, instead, striking the
same three keys. This became known as the marital disk chord.

Didja hear about the woman in Roanoke who joined one of those BAV
groups? Their theme song is "Carry Me Back to Old Virginity."

Didja hear about the sequel to Portnoy's Complaint entitled, 'The
Gripes of Roth'?

JJJ
 

Lewis W. O'Brien says that language is a fluid, not a solid. In that vein here are some of his recommended new words.

Accordionated (ah kor' de on ay tid) - adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

Aeropalmics (ayr o palm' iks) - n. The study of wind resistance conducted by holding a cupped hand out the car window.

Agonosis (ah uh no' sis) - n. The syndrome of tuning into "ABC's Wide World of Sports" every Saturday just to watch the skier rack himself.

Bozone - n. The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from
penetrating. Unfortunately their bozone layer shows little sign of breaking
down in the near future.

Mummabolic chorus (mum uh bah' lik ko' rus) - n. When three or more people are singing along to a tune and suddenly discover they are all faking their way through the unintelligible lyrics.

Narcolepulacy (nar ko lep' ul ah see) - n. The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight to also yawn.

Oreosis (awr ee oh' sis) - n. The practice of eating the cream center of an Oreo before eating the cookie outsides.

Pajangle (pah jan' gul) - n. Condition of waking up with your pajamas turned 180 degrees.

Prestofrigeration - n. The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to
the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized.

Rignition (rig ni' shun) - n. The embarrassing action of trying to start one's car with the engine already running.

Sark (sark) - n. The marks left on one's ankle after wearing tube socks all day.

Turfigee and Pedigee (ter' fih jee and ped' ih jee) - n. The two extreme target points of a rotary lawn sprinkler, TURFIGEE being the safest point at which to walk past, PEDIGEE being the most dangerous.

Tanumbum - n. The sorry side of the Christmas tree that gets placed toward the wall.

Wondracide - v. The act of mangling a piece of soft white bread with a pat of cold butter.

 
TY Kaus sends us these from his new book original punbits, punecdotes and punzles, "Puns-a-Poppin' " (It's available from Amazon.com, Borders.com, Barnes and Noble.com or from TY himself at a special price of $15.00. His E-mail is:
TyKaus@earthlink.net) Here are a few teasers:

The patriotic leather-factory worker, after a losing fight with his strong, lady-Coast-Guard wife, is The Spar-Mangled Tanner.

What do you call a faux emerald shaped like a clover? A sham-rock.

An old retired sailor, pretending to be a multi-millionaire, committed
bigamy and a married a rich young lady solely for her money. The local gossip
columnist headlined the story: The Crime of the Ancient Marrier.

What do you call a pleasant little Greenland town that never gets warmer
than five degrees below zero?  Niceberg.

Concerned patient: "Why does my back feel like a lumpy board?"

Punny chiropractor:  "Maybe because it's made of knotty spine."

What is another good two-word definition on "horse sense"? Stable intelligence.

Remember, you saw them here and where you can get the whole tome.

JJJ

The ease of communication allows us to publish, putting proper blame on the pun perpetrator, any word play fun that you would like to share with fellow members from around the world. Please bring your best to the rest. We are still seen and heard around the globe from Zimbabwe to Alaska. And so could you be.

So, until October, we say, That a day without puns is like a day without sunshine, there's gloom for improvement.

Volume 24 September 2003

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is free for the asking.

Circulation Manager: Ed Smeaghan

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Pruf-reedr: Jean Sturdy

Desk stuff and full time critic: Rosanna Borgh

Executing Director: Gary Hallock

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com

Visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

The Pundit

The official 'e' newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation

October 2003

From the pens of the PUNY come these hallowed originals, with the blame placed directly on the providing paranamours.

As we're rapidly approaching Halloween, shall we tell some more bid
tales today? Seems such a thread is way over deuce since there are no
Faux riddles yet on the table. If it were Cyn (MacGregor that is) who was holding this up this deal, I'd say, "Poker face!" (GARY HALLOCK)

THE CHALLENGE:

We've probably nearly exhausted the subject of Halloween in years past, but I bet this group (PUNY) can come up with something besides the old tired
puns about costumed trick-or-treaters goblin' candies, and hillbillies who like to pump kin. For example...did you hear about the blackbird that joined the international food relief organization? Yes, he was a CARE crow.

What keeps baby ghosts' feet warm?  BOOties! Or, how do you aggravate a baby ghost?  BOO tease. (Alan C)

If Pearl Mesta came back to earth as a disembodied spirit and resumed
her lavish party-giving, would she be the ghostess with the mostes'?

In proper Tom Swifty style..."The ghostess with the mostes'," the Idol boasteth. (Bob D)

What disease do ghost sailors need to beware of?  SCAREvy.

What did the ghost flight attendant say to the passenger? "Have a nice fright."

If I took all Dubya's generals and other planners of mayhem in such
places as Iraq and Afghanistan and put them in a room and then secured the
door so they couldn't get out, would the device I fastened the door closed with be a warlock? (Cynthia MacGregor)

There is a new hand-made broad cloth being sold in specialty shops.
It comes in black and orange and is known as all hallows weave. (Alan C)

You people don't seem to understand. You must be all BOOSed up! I
wasn't suggesting that we make pun of Halloween, I wanted "MORE BID"
tales. I was trying to prolong the card playing theme. That just
ghost to show you that it's easy to have your real message lost in
the shuffle. (Gary Hallock)

Norm Stevens suggests that:
An unemolyed peridontist is a gumbo
An unemployed meterologist is a rainbo
An unemployed jockey is a reinbo
Anunemployed monarch is a reignbo
An unemployed  job counselor is a placebo
Anunemployed prostitute is a hobo
An unemployed Chicago commuter train conductor is an elbo
An unemployed mime is a dumbo
An unemployed basso is a lobo
An unemployed male escort is a beaubo
An unemployed soccer player is a bo of the ball
An unemployed  sideshow thin man is a bo and narrow.

..and, he offers these daffynitions:

CLAPTRAP-- Any bar occupied by more than two unescorted ladies at 2 o'clock on a Tuesday afternoon.
PISSTOLATION-- The art of hitting those little holes in the urinal.
Floorplay----- Result of a narrow sofa.
SHOREGASM-- every sailor's aspiration
FLOORGASM----  result of floorplay.

..and finally he was wondering if dermatologists frequently act rashly or do they have  a lot of patients?

  Bronislaw Wonsiewicz tells us about the time when the groom gave his permission to the bride, her overreaction led to motherhood.

I have a feline you'll like these, there's not a purr one in the litter.

What do you call a cat that has just eaten a whole duck? A duck filled
fatty puss!
What did the cat do when he swallowed some cheese? He waited by the
mouse hole with baited breath.
What happened when the cat swallowed a coin? There was some money in
the kitty.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a canary? Shredded tweet!
What do cat actors say on stage? Tabby or not tabby!
What do you call a cat who does tricks? A magic kit.
What kind of work does a weak cat do? Light mouse work.
Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens? Because she wanted
to mail a litter
Where did the kittens go on their class trip? To a mewseum
What kind of cars do cats drive? Catillacs
Why did the cat walk in the desert and think he was at the North Pole?
Because he looked down and saw Sandy Claws
What does a cat get from watching too many Mickey Mouse films?

Disney Spells
Where did the first cats live? Purr-sia and Paw-tugal
What do you get if you cross a budgie with a cat? A peeping Tom
Hear about the cat who was a tennis fan? He had two brothers in the
same racket.
Hear about the cat called Ben Hur? They called it Ben for two months
until he had four kittens.

More butt in alpha beast tickle order.

This is getting ASSinine, as we continue doing BATtle.  I just hope it doesn't become a CATastrophe and we start DRAGON our feet.  At least I won't feel any EEL will towards you, and I'll keep trying just to have a lot of FAWN.  I'll GOAT to any length to keep these animal puns going for ever and HEIFER.  As I tow the line, I'll try not to give up an INCHworm. And, if I have to search for puns at night, I'll use a JACKAL lantern. Just don't try to steal my puns, or, as the female herring told her escort on a date, "KIPPER hands to yourself."  But if I can help, just LEMUR know if there's anything I can do."  If you're not sure, merely MULLET over for a while.  By the way, I didn't know you were a punster; in other words, no one NEWT.  If I'm ever in Vancouver, I'll stop by for a visit if OPOSSUM by your house.  And I'll be careful, since I don't want to be accident PRAWN.  (At this point in the alphabet I'm reminded what you get when you cross a clam and a pig: a QUAHOG.)  You must think I'm a RAVEN lunatic to
keep up this SHRIMPly awful animal punning, but it makes me THRUSHed with delight and URCHIN to tell even more.  So, are you VIXEN to invite me over?  If so, I think WEEVIL have a good time.  We could talk about the demise of some skate and ray fish, commonly know as X-RAYS.  But we won't have to dress up and wear a YELLOW jacket.  However, if there are any females, they should be sure to wear (as the French say) ZE BRA. (JimErtner at the PUN.OFF*)

*You may now order the videotape of the 2003 Pun.Offf as filmed and professionally edited by Mark Morgan and Cameron Burr.
This VHS tape is currently available only through the O.Henry Museum
at the price of $19.95. Please include $3.50 for postage.

Send your check or M.O. to ...
Valerie Bennett <valerie.bennett@ci.austin.tx.us>
The O.Henry Museum
409 E. 5th Street
Austin, TX 78701
512-472-1903

So, until November, as always we say, "a day without puns is like a day without sunshine, there's gloom for improvement."

Volume 24 October 2003

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is free for the asking.

Circulation Manager: Ed Smeaghan

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Pruf-reedr: Jean Sturdy

Desk stuff and full time critic: Rosanna Borgh

Executing Director: Gary Hallock

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com Visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

The Pundit

The official 'e' newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation

November 2003

From a word a day comes the following definition of our being:

Pundit (PUN-dit) noun also pandit,
   1. A learned person.
   2. A person who offers commentary or judgments as an expert on
      a certain topic. [From Hindi pandit, from Sanskrit pandita (learned).]

JJJ

Norm Stevenson, prolific provider of puns sends these:

I heard that NASA is launching a new space telescope to watch for stray objects that might crash into Earth. They are calling it the collideascope.

They are also building a tavern for the astronauts on the space station to  enjoy. It will be called the Space Bar.

If space is a vacuum, does that mean we have been swept up from some co sic carpet? 

Was Noah an arkitech?

Was Moses decadent?

Did Adam and eve get into trouble for Eden an apple? 

Was Samson harried by Delilah?

Did Aaron Baal out on Moses?

They have discovered a previously unknown first draft of Poe's
'The Raven'.  It seems that he first started to write a lament on bachelor life as it begins: "Once upon a Monday dreary, as I laundered weak and weary."

JJJ

Subject: Eyes got one for the Pundit---Maybe,
"Our optimistic ophthalmologist learned magic and became our opticmystic,
tongue twisted Bronislaw Wonsiewicz.

Cartoonist Mack Rowe is an entertainer who gives fun and inspiring
presentations on Humor, Laughing, and Health. Contact this Ambassador of
Laughter at mrowe@ns.gemlink.com.

JJJ

Did you hear about the two females who were watching a blonde walk by?
The first one said, "I wonder whether she's a natural blonde or a
bleached blonde."
Her friend said, "She's a suicide blonde."
The other said, "Suicide blonde? What's that?"
The friend said, "Dyed by her own hand!" Lewis W. O'Brien.

GARY HALLOCK reminisces here about an old friend... then ends with a limerick. At the time of his sudden death on August 4, of last year George McClughan had been working on the final edit of the 2002 O.Henry Pun-Off videotape. Unfortunately the finished documentary tape of this historic event remains somewhat elusive and may take another few months for me to piece together. You can be sure I'll let you know when it is ready.

One year we've now lived without George
But onward good friends must still forge
The Pun-Off's best fan
Had tapes in the can
But sadly they're all still in stor'ge.

In the meantime, you may now order the videotape of the 2003 P.O. as
filmed and professionally edited by Mark Morgan and Cameron Burr.
This VHS tape is currently available only through the O.Henry Museum
at the price of $19.95. Please include $3.50 for postage.
Send your check or M.O. to ...
Valerie Bennett <valerie.bennett@ci.austin.tx.us>
The O.Henry Museum
409 E. 5th Street
Austin, TX 78701
512-472-1903
 

Gary Hallock, Executing Director, ISTPF is also known to the 'PUNY' (punsters united nearly yearly) as 'Our leerless feeder' challenges the PUNY with these 'Didjahears':

Didja hear about the algebra book by E. Hemingway entitled _To Halve
and Halve Not_?
Didja hear about the discovery of the lost Shakespearean sonnet? It
is entitled _A Dog Rounding The Top Of A Hill_ and goes like this.
Hark! Bark!

Didja hear about the Shakespearean play which was originally banned
due to being filled to the brim with foul language? It was entitled
_Titus And Ronnie Cuss_.
No, but I've heard of the book of humor by George entitled The Japes
of Raft...(That one's an oldie, I believe I got it from Bennett Cerf).
You can tell when you've Bennet Cerfing too long. You're shore to be washed up!
Didja hear about the female sibling of the Texas billionaire who
developed a degenerative bone disease because she listened to a
certain Judy Garland record on a substandard hi-fi?
It seems she's now suffering from "Oz stereo Perot sis."

Jim Ertner follows his entry in the 2002 Pun-Off with this,

AARDVARK a million miles to put 26 animal puns in alphabetical order. I'd
BADGER you and I'd keep CARPING on the subject, until I have no iDEERs
left. I'd have no EGRETs, however, as I FERRET out more animal puns. If
necessary, I'd even GOPHER broke. Some may say it's a HARE-brained
attempt; but, IGUANA tell you, I'm no JACKASS -- and I KID you not. I'm
not doing this for a LARK (although maybe just a MITE). So don't NAG me.
In fact, you OTTER try to PARROT me. But don't QUAIL from the challenge.
After all, you don't have to be a RACCOON-teur. So just SALMON up some
courage, before you take a TERN for the worse. Don't be afraid of people
saying to you, "UNICORNiest person I know." Stop crying and VIPER nose.
Then say, "WALLABY a son-of-a-gun," and start singing, "Zip-a-dee doo-dah,
XIPHIIDAE ay." Soon you'll be a YAK-of-all-trades, and can put all of
these animal puns in a book called "Who's ZOO."

...in answer to the ABC's of animal punditry, the following:

This is getting ASSinine, as we continue doing BATtle.  I just hope it doesn't become a CATastrophe and we start DRAGON our feet.  At least I won't feel any EEL will towards you, and I'll keep trying just to have a lot of FAWN.  I'll GOAT to any length to keep these animal puns going for ever and HEIFER.  As I tow the line, I'll try not to give up an INCHworm.  And, if I have to search for puns at night, I'll use a JACKAL lantern.  Just don't try to steal my puns, or, as the female herring told her escort on a date, "KIPPER hands to yourself."  But if I can help, just LEMUR know if there's anything I can do."  If you're not sure, merely MULLET over for a while.  By the way, I didn't know you were a punster; in other words, no one NEWT.  If I'm ever in Vancouver, I'll stop by for a visit if OPOSSUM by your house.  And I'll be careful, since I don't want to be accident PRAWN.  (At this point in the alphabet I'm reminded what you get when you cross a clam and a pig: a QUAHOG.)  You must think I'm a RAVEN lunatic to keep up this SHRIMPly awful animal punning, but it makes me THRUSHed with delight and URCHIN to tell even more.  So, are you VIXEN to invite me over?  If so, I think WEEVIL have a good time.  We could talk about the demise of some skate and ray fish, commonly know as X-RAYS.  But we won't have to dress up and wear a YELLOW jacket.  However, if there are any females, they should be sure to wear (as the French say) ZE BRA.

We stay in the realm of zoopunology with the follow ups to these alphabeastical stories.

In answer to that... then...

I will not be cowed. Neither does it make me antsy. I was just horsing
around. I just finished wolfing down my breakfast. And I definitely have
not been catting around. Just don't dog me with the subject. Or hog the
limelight. Or go fishing around for some advantage. I am not trying to
lionize the situation. Nor am I being bull-headed. Or even trying to horn
in on somebody else's territory. But I am not sheepish about what I know.
So don't git my goat. Or make an elephantine issue of it all. Or snake
around behind my back. I'll fight like a tiger for my rights. And git an
octopus-hold on the issue. So don't monkey around with me. However, this
is a whale of a project. But I don't quail before it. And I'm not goin' to
make an ass of myself over it. Nor be mule-headed about it. Even if it
takes donkey's years. Murray ha smore, as we see here,
I cast no ASPersions on your talents and can BEAR up under this onslaught.
I also don't want to BUCK the trend.  I won't CHEETAH on you.  I forgot to
DUCK when the other guy swung at me. EWE better be careful that I don't
catch up with EWE. I was goin' to offer my rEGRETS but thought better of
it. I will FERRIT out the secret of your success.  But I won't FROGwalk to
git thar.  I am not goin' to be a GUINEA PIG. I'm not going to be a
HIPPOcrit about it, either. I am not goin' to KOALA in the mud about all
this. We may have a LOONey for $1 in Canada, but we ain't crazy. Nor am I
LYNX-eyed. And I am not goin' to be MULEish about it.  However, we do have a MOLE in our spy-agency. I hope I don't look OWLish because I study all the time. I am not on the take for PORK, like some in the Congress.  But I won't PANDA either. Though I did some things on PORPOISE.  But stop PAWING around. I'm not going to let you be ROBIN me of what is rightfully mine.  Also, I don't toke up any more with a ROACH held by tweezers. Some of these lawyers are SHARKS.  But I will not exhibit SLOTH. I was going to take a TERN for the worst but you already used it.  However, we are gittin' to the TAIL end of this. Some of these VARMITS have got to go. And I am not going to WORM my way into your affections. But I don't want to have a WASPish attitude.  Nor will I WEASEL out of my obligations. Before this is all over we can have a few YAKS about it all. .  EkEkEkEkEkEkEkEk.  That's all, folks. THE END.

Remember always, A day without  puns is like a day without sunshine, there's gloom for improvement.

Volume 24 November 2003

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is free for the asking.

Circulation Manager: Ed Smeaghan

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Pruf-reedr: Jean Sturdy

Desk stuff and full time critic: Rosanna Borgh

Executing Director: Gary Hallock

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com Visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

The Pundit

The official 'e' newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation

December 2003

The most interesting array of word play ever offered anywhere from everywhere.

State of the PUNY on one pun for each one in the U.S.

The people here are so nationalistic they believe you can't escape death and Texas.

Of course when you consider the difference in the spelling and the pronunciation of this state you wonder how they can make a saw out of an ass.  Of course they did make a president out of an ass.  And I wonder what Alan Arkin saw in him. Alex

One thing we'll never have in California is no-fault insurance. As San Andréa's said after the recent earthquake, "Don't blame me. It's not my fault." Stan Kegel
 

A New England state requires all convicted criminals to pass a course in proper manners while incarcerated. They are required to take con etiquette. Stan again.

In the extreme South, they add orange juice to the water supply and call
it fluoridating the water. Cynthia MacGregor

The headliners in the Borscht Belt have a rough job--they have to tell New Yorks every night. Cyn again.

It is necessary to use a good dry Vermont to make a good martini.
Cyn again and again

The state that hosts New Orleans was named when the queen told the king to
watch how Gertrude Lawrence treated another member of royalty, played by
Yul Brynner. She exclaimed, "Louis! See Anna!" Cyn again and again and again. 

Then there was the young mother who exclaimed, upon seeing her daughter with gum in
her mouth: "Missy chews it(s)." Jim Ertner
Then there's the resident of another New England state who, when asked if he wanted some marijuana-producing plants that had been carried across Africa on a large antelope, replied: "Gnu hemp? Sure." Jim again.
Few people know this, but the Ayatollah Khomeini attended U of A.  We
are unsure if it is because he thought it was the University of Arabama or Allahbama.

What he loved the most about his wife, Minnie, was her perfume.  Yup. It was Minnie's odor that attracted him. Alex

(Alex, Stan, Cynthia and Jim are prolific providers of puns from PUNY.)

JJJ

Bob Dvorak another PUNY member and prolific pun provider, was studying the effects in the world on the differences in currency.
I wanted to stop for breakfast in Iraq but I couldn't find a dinar.
I couldn't buy breakfast in the UK because my wallet was impounded.
I couldn't get breakfast in Rome because I'm not enough of a lira.
I tried for a free breakfast in Berlin, but my marks weren't good enough.
I tried for breakfast sausage in Zurich, but all I could get was a franc.
I'm sure Stan will forward these to his Swedish website (Kroners).
I had a yen for a Tokyo breakfast but you need about 800 of them.

JJJ

ON STOLEN PUNS. (I'm kinda Fonda these.)

Some of you will remember the famous Texaco Star Theater male dancers who
opened Milton Berle's television program every Tuesday night back in the
1950's. "Oh, we are the men from Texaco - we work from Maine to Mexico ..........."

What many don't know is that those 4 guys performed the same routine the
other nights of the week in nightclubs, completely nekkid! In later years a
stage show and film with a similar name were based on their act, but the
original production was called  ... The Full Milty. (Rose Katz)

Then Stan answered, 'What Rose forgot to tell you is that the guys would play craps between shows. One of the dancers stole some ivories from Berle but every time he used them, Milton's pair of dice lost.'

...and then Rose retorted, Stan forgot to tell you that the most popular number in the show involved a complicated routine where the dancers would fall forward and execute a series of tumblesaults. 

Unfortunately, this was tough on their tender bare skin, so various kinds of cushioning materials were experimented with to protect against scratches. Amazingly, a type of lettuce leaf was found to be exactly right, so a layer of these leaves would be spread at the front of the stage for the dancers to roll onto.  It was of course a very rowdy production, and this particular number came to be known as the Berle Escarole.
Rose hurt herself trying to come up with a triple, did she do it?

JJJ

 AN INTERNATIONAL PURIM STORY THAT HAS A PUNNY FLAVOUR TO WIT.
 King Achashverosh was Finnish with his disobedient wife Vashti.
"You Congo now!" he ordered her. After she had Ghana way, the king's
messengers went Roman the land to find a new queen. And India end, the
beautiful Esther won the crown.
 Meanwhile, Mordechai sat outside the palace, where the Chile Haman would
Czech up on him daily.
"I Haiti you because you refuse to bow to me!" Haman scolded Mordechai.
"USA very stubborn man. You Jews are such Bahamas! If you keep his up,
Denmark my words! I will have all your people killed! Just Kuwait and
see, you Turkey!"
Mordechai went into mourning and tore his clothes-a custom known as
Korea.
He urged Esther to plead with the king. The Jews fasted for three days
and grew very Hungary. Esther approached the king and asked, 'Kenya
Belize come to a banquet I've prepared for you and Haman?" At the feast,
she invited her guests to a second banquet to eat Samoa.
The king asked, "Esther, why Jamaica big meal like this? Just tell me
what you want. Unto half my United Kingdom will I give you." Esther
replied, "Spain full for me to say this, but Haman is Russian to kill my
people."
Haman's loud Wales could be heard as he carried Honduran this scene.
"Oman!" Haman cried bitterly. "Iraq my brains in an effort to destroy
the Jews. But that sneaky Mordechai - Egypt me! "
Haman and his ten sons were hanged and went immediately to the
Netherlands.
And to Sweden the deal, the Jews were allowed to Polish off the rest of
their foes as well. "You lost your enemies and Uganda friend," the king
smiled.
And that is why the Purim story Israeli a miracle. G-d decided to China.

So now, let's celebrate! Forget all your Syria's business and just be
happy! Serb up some wine and Taiwan on! Happy Purim!!!

 JJJ

The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children between fifth and sixth grade ages in Ohio. These were first spotted and reported by Richard Lederer in his Anguished English series.

Ancient Egypt was old.  It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics.  They lived in the Sarah Dessert.  The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.

Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos.  He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.  He was a actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible.  It sounds like he was sort of busy too.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history.  The Greeks also had myths.  A myth is a young female moth.

Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.  They killed him.  He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous.  After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the first Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.  The games were messier then than they show on tv now.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.  The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.  Dying, he gasped out: "Same to you, Brutus."

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand.  The English and French still have problems.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen".  As a queen she was a success.  When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.  Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.  Another important invention was the circulation of blood.

Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.  He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday.  He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays.  He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.  Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple.  They lived in Italy.  Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet but her father was having none of that that I'm sure.  You know how Italian fathers are.  Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes.  He wrote Donkey Hote.  The next great author was John Milton.  Milton wrote Paradise Lost.  Since then no one ever found it.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.  Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.  Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure.  Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.  Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.  Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.

On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.  They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor.  This ruined Booth's career.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children.  In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.  Bach died from 1750 to the present.  Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.  Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English.  He was very large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.  He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll.  He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him.  Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions.  People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine.  The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.

Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.

Charles Darwin was a naturalist.  He wrote the Organ of the Species.  It was very long so people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true.  He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow?  I don't get it.

Madman Curie discovered radio.  She was the first woman to do what she did.  Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.

Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers.  The other three were in the movies.  Karl made speeches and started revolutions.  Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess.                    

MORE DAFFYNITIONS, this time from new donor Kenny Kramer

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

JJJ

'My career-capping reflections on the English language, has just been published.' So says Richard Lederer, past POTY and verbivore extraordinaire. This could make a fine Xmas stocking stuffer.

It's now available:

A MAN OF MY WORDS,

St. Martin's Press, $26.00, incl. tax. --
Book of the Month Club, Literary Guild.

Here are samples of playing with words from one of its chapters:

The Name is the Game

Has Elvis Presley achieved such immortality because Elvis lives is an anagram of itself?

The first name of the man who tried to put the world between Iraq and a hard place, the man who's so damn insane, reposes in the following palindromic statement, one that can be read the same forwards and backwards: DRAT SADDAM, A MAD DASTARD!

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader. If Rosemary De Camp married William Kunsler, she'd be Rosemary De Camp Kunsler.

H. Rider was Haggard, but Thomas was Hardy. Oscar was Wilde, but Thornton was Wilder. Dame May was Whitty, but John Greenleaf was Whittier.

William Shakespeare must have written the works of William Shakespeare because who else possesses a name whose letters can be juggled (anagrammed) into four right-on statements? I SWEAR HE'S LIKE A LAMP.  WE ALL MAKE HIS PRAISE.HAS WILL A PEER, I ASK ME?  AH, I SPEAK A SWELL RIME.

And so, we come to the end of another year and the International Save the Pun Foundation wishes that your days in 2004 be pun filled and joyful. Merry Xmas to all and always remember that...

A day without puns is like a day without sunshine. There's gloom for improvement.     

Volume 24 December 2003

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.

It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is free for the asking.              

Pruf-reedr: Jean Sturdy

Desk stuff and full time critic: Rosanna Borgh

Executing Director: Gary Hallock

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com

Visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com