PUNDITS FROM 2007
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The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation
January 2007
Stan Kegel signs in with these HOLIDAY PUNS
As seen in a Toy Store: "Ho, Ho, and Ho spoken here."
In a bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."
Outside a church: "The Original Christmas Club."
At a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle
with the crowd."
In A Texas jewelry store: "Diamond tiaras -- $70,000. Three for $200,000.
From a reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."
☺☺☺
Here are some "Good" investment tips for 2007. Be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2007.
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers
will join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota
Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS,
and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW! And finally...
9. Victoria's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under
the new name: TittyTitty BangBang.
☺☺☺
An English professor announced to the class; "There are two words I
don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool."
From the back of the room a voice called out, "So, what are the words?"
☺☺☺
Signs seen on SUCCESSFUL COMPANIES...seen by Morris Langer.
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
On a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a Plumber's truck:"We repair what your husband fixed."
On another Plumber's truck "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..."
Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee !"Invite us to your next blowout."
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push"
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you 're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank heaven for little grills."
On another Septic Tank Truck in Oregon : "We're Number One in Number Two."
Don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything... a calendar
to remind him when payments are due."
☺☺☺
THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY... To lighten your day
1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.....
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS
AND APES?
5. THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE
BAD GIRLS LIVE.
6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
15 WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DOES THE REST DROWN TOO?
27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD "LISP" TO HAVE "S" IN IT?
30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?
34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
☺☺☺
Ads that were seen but were never answered: (we guess)
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites.
FREE PUPPIES: ½ Cocker Spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES... Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, SuperDog... able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND: DIRTY SMALL WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been outdoors for quite a while. Better be a reward.
HOLSTEIN COWS, NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay Holstein bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK FOR SALE: $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GENUINE GEORGIA PEACHES: California grown - 89 cents lb.
WASHER & DRYER; must sell, only $300. Joined nudist colony.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie
ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITTANICA, complete set of 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month, new wife knows everything.
We wish you a year filled with peace and laughter.
And always remember that A DAY WITHOUT PUNS IS LIKE A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE, THERE'S GLOOM FOR IMPROVEMENT
Volume 28, January 2007
The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.
It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.
Executing Director: Gary Hallock,
Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert
Email to punpunpun@rogers.com, and visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com
The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation
February 2007
My favorite allergy song is Blowin' in the Wind by Peter Pollen Mary.
When you get a transfusion in a Taiwanese hospital, you receive Taipei
blood.
A practical Czech is considered to be Praguematic.
At Polish card parties they all dance the poker.
He said I was average--but he was just being mean.
You should massage a cow's back before putting it out to posture.
The baker always puts too much flour in his bread because he's gluten for
punishment.
The president can't sign the bill because it's still incongruous.
When women enter middle age, it gives men a pause.
King Arthur really knew how to deal with the sworded truth.
A bartender was summoned to court by a subpoena colada.
And finally...
To deal with an incorrigible punster, just don't incorrige him.
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
~~~~~
Murphy's Other Laws
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone
would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who
got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
~~~~~
Little Known Laws of the Natural Universe (more of Murphy's mirth?)
•· Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
•· Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
•· Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
•· Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
•· Variation Law: If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
•· Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
•· Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
•· Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
•· Law of Bio-mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
•· Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
•· Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
•· Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. (something like the mad Hatter's tea party)
•· Law of Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness/cost of the carpet/rug.
•· Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
•· Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
•· Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
•· Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
•· Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product (TV show) that you really like, they will stop making it.
~~~~~
And always remember that A DAY WITHOUT PUNS IS LIKE A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE, THERE'S GLOOM FOR IMPROVEMENT
Volume 28, February 2007
The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.
It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.
Executing Director: Gary Hallock,
Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert
Email to punpunpun@rogers.com, and visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com
The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation
March 2007
As we move forward into March which came in like a lion, we say the rest will not be bah-bahd either. We'll go out on a lamb for this. Happy St. Patrick's Day!
All the obits written about Saddam Hussein were incomplete. All left out a complete listing of all his surviving sons and daughters. A corrected paragraph follows:
He was predeceased by two sons, Uday and Qusay, and is survived by 15 sons:
Sooflay, a restaurateur; Guday, who lives in Australia; Huray, a sports fanatic; Sashay, who is gay; Kuntay and Kintay, twins living in Africa; Sayhay, a baseball player; Ojay, a stalker and murderer; Gulay, a singer and entertainer; Ebay, an Internet entrepreneur; Biliray, a country music star; Ecksray, a radiologist; Puray, a manufacturer of kitchen blenders; Raygay, who lives in Jamaica; and Tupay, who is bald.
Saddam is also survived by seven daughters: Lattay, a coffee-shop owner; Bufay, a big eater; Dushay, owner of a feminine-care-products company; Phayray, an actress; Sapheway, a grocery store owner; Ollay, who lives in Mexico; and Gudlay, a prostitute.
There is reportedly another surviving son, Oyvay, but he has been disowned by the family.
More fun Found On actual Headstones as we revisited these cemeteries:!!!
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903 - Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.
********************
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up And no place to go.
In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767
********************
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
********************
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me for not rising.
********************
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake.
********************
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
********************
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
********************
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep; And thou wilt find a Penny.
********************
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.
********************
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont
Here lies the body of our Anna -
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God
*******************
In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, you soon will be.
Prepare yourself and follow me.
(To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone)
To follow you I'll not consent, Until I know which way you went.
Time for a commercial break!
In 1988, Dr. Joel Goodman was the first recipient of the International
Punster of the Year Award. Don't hold that against him jest because he has
always believed that punning is the lowest form of humor-- that wordplay
provides the fundation for a playful and humorous spirit. Joel is
also the first fool-time humor educator in the world-- he founded The HUMOR
Project, Inc. in Saratoga Springs, New York in 1977.
They are celebrating their 30th anniversary on June 22-24 at the
longest-funning humor program in the world-- the 51st international
conference on "The Positive Power of Humor & Creativity" at Silver Bay
Conference Center on majestic Lake George in upstate New York. Over the
years, this learning-filled, laughter-charged, life-changing program has
attracted 20,000+ people from all 50 states, throughout Canada, and 6
continents. This year's funtastic, funderful program features special
presentations by popular PBS humorist Loretta LaRoche, Sesame Street's
Kevin Clash and Elmo, and the World Champion of Public Speaking Edward Hearn.
Are you looking for a HUMORetreat that offers HUMORenewal, HUMORejoicing,
HUMORelaxation, HUMOResilience, and HUMORejuvenation? If so, then you've
come to the light place! For info on early-registration discounts (by
March 15), and how to sign up, contact The HUMOR Project at 518-587-8770 or
visit www.HumorProject.com/conference. Jest for the health of it, you
should register for this conference if you want to get more smileage out of
your life and work!
What, you ask, is "Butt dust?"
Read on and you'll discover the joy in it!
These have to be original and genuine.
No adult is this creative!
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a chewable aspirin. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
D. I. (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt. Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom
knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"
Deli Lama from Ashley Cooper
From the Friday Files: The Friday File has expanding its subscription base once again. Our recent subscription binge was led by our Ice Rink Manager, Sam Boney and our Opera Critic, Barbara Seville. Thanks to their efforts, we now reach a broader audience than ever before.
Tom Swifties
- "This boat is leaking," said Tom balefully.
- "Give me a haircut," Tom said barbarously.
- "I've been listening to the Brandenburg Concertos," Tom barked.
- "This is the most common language used on micros," said Tom basically.
- "I'm losing my hair," Tom bawled.
- "Ouch! When I get stung, I want revenge," said Tom begrudgingly.
- "I'm sure we can fool them into thinking this is pollen," said Tom beguilingly.
- "I wonder why the hive's still empty," said Tom belatedly.
- "I have to keep this fire alight," Tom bellowed.
- "Why shouldn't I stir my coffee with a ballpoint pen?" Tom bickered.
- "These bit patterns will be more readable in groups of 8," said Tom bitingly.
- "I've only enough carpet for the hall and landing," said Tom with a blank stare.
- "..." said Tom blankly.
- "I need a pencil sharpener," said Tom bluntly.
- "This wind is awful," blustered Tom.
- "I think I'll use a different font," said Tom boldly.
- "Are you all governors?" Tom asked, bored.
- "I still haven't struck oil," said Tom boringly.
- "This is mutiny!" said Tom bountifully.
- "I presented my case to the judge," Tom said briefly.
- "This blood-sucking insect likes French cheese," said Tom briefly.
- "Use your own toothbrush!" Tom bristled.
PONDERISMS
•· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
•· Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
•· The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
•· Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
•· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
•· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
•· Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
•· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
•· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
•· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
•· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
•· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
•· Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
•· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
•· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
•· Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
•· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make i t arrive faster?
•· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
And always remember that A DAY WITHOUT PUNS IS LIKE A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE, THERE'S GLOOM FOR IMPROVEMENT
Volume 28, March 2007
The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.
It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.Executing
Director: Gary Hallock, Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert
Email to punpunpun@rogers.com, and visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com
The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation
April 2007
I wanted to FOOL with the PUNDIT this month but that's not word playing.
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
Frank had a girlfriend named Lorraine w ho was very pretty and he liked her a lot.
One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working with him at his office. Her name was Klarah and she was absolutely gorgeous.
He became quite smitten with her and after a while it became obvious that she was very interested in him too. But Frank was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Klarah while he was still going out with Lorraine
He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get on with Klarah. He planned several times to tell Lorraine, but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank, Lorraine slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.
Frank stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing and smiling and singing. What was he singing, you ask???
I can see Klarah now.... Lorraine is gone....
When a man takes and leaves a message.
" "
Humor Project's Laughing Matters Email Newsletter. Have you received yours? To sign up for a complimentary copy of the 2007 Humor source book and email newsletter go to www.HumorProject.com. And get Jest wishes, from Joel Goodman our very first POTY, 1988, who is the Director of the HUMOR Project, Inc.
Your copy of Mack Rowe's Jest for the Health of it is available from Mack, our POTY in 1999, at mrowe@ns.gemlink.com
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE is the fine art of whacking the hell out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
GRANDCHILDREN play with words as much as any punatelists we know. We know this because as you follow the following these are grand kidders:
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"*
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old."
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and she was always correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y ' to 'i' and add 'es'"
Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog; the children started discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No, said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
Last week my boss said he was going to garnish my wages. Call me dense, but I fail to see how a sprig of parsley in my paycheck will make it any more attractive.
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one...
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy
on him!
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
On-line registration has officially begun for the 30th Annual O.Henry Pun-Off World Championships to be held at noon in Austin, Texas on Saturday, May 19, 2007. Just go ahead and get yourself registered. There are only 32 positions available in each of the two categories of decomposition. (It's all about the rotten word)
http://application.microassist.net/punoff
You may sign up now for either one or both of these exciting contexts. Registration is free but there are a limited number of these prime sluts available, so go now to the site and read all about our bout.
http://application.microassist.net/punoff
Help the Friends of the O. Henry and Dickinson Museums celebrate the lowest form of humor at the 30th Annual O. Henry Pun-Off
GROUP THERAPY FOR THE
LISTLESS AND PUN-EMPLOYED
And always remember that A DAY WITHOUT PUNS IS LIKE A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE, THERE'S GLOOM FOR IMPROVEMENT
Volume 28, April 2007.
The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.
It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking. Executing Director: Gary Hallock,
Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert
Email to punpunpun@rogers.com, and visit us on the web at ww.punpunpun.com
The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation
May 2007
30th Annual O.Henry Pun-Off World Championships
MAY 19, 2007 - Noon - 5pm (SATURDAY!)
This is where it is held
in the back yard of the O.Henry Museum
Gary Hallock is the producer.
There are Judges,
There are crowds
There are contestants
...and of course there are rules
1. REGISTRATION: The O. Henry Pun-Off World Championships are divided into two contests: Punniest of Show, and High Lies and Low Puns. Pre- registration is required for both events. Contestants may enter either or both contests. A maximum of thirty-two (32) entrants per event will be accepted for registration. You must submit this form prior to May 12, 2007. Pre-registrations by phone may be done at the discretion of the museum staff. On-line registration is now available
at http://application.microassist.net/punoff. On the day of the competition contestants must sign in and pick up their registration packet at Pun-Off site between 10:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m. Packets not picked up by 12 p.m. may be assigned to the names on the contestant
waiting list. Contestants unable to meet this requirement must contact the event organizers and make other arrangements prior to 12:00 p.m. on the day of the competition.
2. PUNNIEST OF SHOW: Each entered contestant will be allowed to present a pun on stage. Puns may be presented in any format (e.g., visual, musical, stand-up routine, etc.), and will be scored on a scale of one (1) to ten (10) by a panel of judges. A contestant's
score will be determined by adding the judges' scores together. If a judge displays a score higher than 10 or lower than 1, that score will be lowered or raised to the nearest allowable score (i.e., an 11 becomes a 10, a 0 becomes a 1, etc.). Contestants will be judged on
content, originality, and general effect of the presentation, including judges' interpretation of audience response. Contestants may use notes or scripts, but should keep in mind that the judges may
take this into consideration when determining their score.
Contestants should endeavor to keep their routines under ninety (90) seconds in length. Each routine will be timed by an independent timekeeper, who will allow for audience response and other technical
difficulties when determining if 90 seconds have passed. At the end of 90 seconds the timekeeper will sound a signal, indicating that the contestant's 90 seconds has expired and a thirty (30) second grace
period is now in effect. At the end of this grace period (i.e., after two (2) minutes' total time), the timekeeper will sound a second signal, and the contestant will be asked to leave the stage. Although the judges may still give a score for the routine, any contestant whose presentation is in excess of 2 minutes' total time is
automatically disqualified. The Master(s) of Ceremonies will make the final determination of elapsed time based on the timekeeper's signals. In the event of an incorrect or inadvertent signal from the timekeeper, the Master(s) of Ceremonies will, as they deem necessary, adjust the contestant's remaining time. The contestant with the
highest total score will win the event. In the case of a tie score, the tied contestants will be called back on stage, where they will present part of their routine again. After all tied contestants finish, audience response will be taken. The contestant that receives the best audience reaction, as determined by the judging panel and
the Master(s) of Ceremonies, shall win the event.
3. HIGH LIES & LOW PUNS: This competition will consist of no more than four rounds of single-elimination heats. For each preliminary round, two contestants at a time will be called onto the stage (a
pairing), at which point they will be given a topic drawn at random. The contestant with the lowest entry number will have five (5) seconds to deliver a pun on this topic. The other contestant then has five seconds to respond with another pun on the same topic.
Contestants who exceed the allotted five seconds will be eliminated from the competition. The survivor of each pairing advances to the next round. Each preliminary round will result in the elimination of
one contestant. There will be no time limits in any rounds. Puns may not be made on the same word within the same context during a topic. A contestant who violates this rule will receive a "strike" and will
be given another five seconds to come up with a valid pun that has not been used during the pairing. During the course of a pairing each contestant will be allowed a cumulative total of 3 strikes before being disqualified and eliminated. Automatic strikes will be awarded
only for puns made on repeated words. At the discretion of the emcee, strikes may also be awarded for non-puns made on qualifying words or actual puns made on non-qualified words unless an acceptable
"repair"is offered. An unsatisfactory "repair" may be considered a "non-response" and may result in instant elimination. A cumulative total of three "strikes" against either contestant immediately ends the round. Once each preliminary round pairing has begun, the drawn
topic will not be changed. The Master(s) of Ceremonies reserves the right to change, define or narrow the topic or draw a new topic before starting any round of play. Time will be kept by an independent timekeeper, who will allow for audience response and other technical difficulties when determining if five seconds have
passed. The Master(s) of Ceremonies will make the final determination of elapsed time based on the timekeeper's reports. In the event of an incorrect or inadvertent signal from the timekeeper, the Master(s) of
Ceremonies will, as they deem necessary, adjust the contestant's remaining time. The final round will consist of no more than five (5) people on stage, subject to the same rules as shown above. When only two finalists are left, a new topic will be drawn and the round will
resume. The survivor of this final pairing will be declared the winner of High Lies and Low Puns.
4. CONTESTANT NUMBERS AND ORDER OF APPEARANCE: Contestants will receive a randomly selected number for each event entered. If a
contestant enters both events, the contestant will receive two numbers. These numbers will determine the contestant's order of appearance in each contest. Contestants will not be allowed to trade or exchange numbers drawn for either event unless cleared to do so by the Master(s) of Ceremonies. Contestants in the Punniest of Show competition will appear in numerical order, starting at one (1) and ending at thirty-two (32). If less than 32 people enter Punniest of Show, non-selected entry numbers will be skipped and the contestants will be called to the stage in as close to numerical order as possible. Contestants entering High Lies and Low Puns will be paired against each other according to the numbers they draw during registration for the High Lies and Low Puns event. If the maximum of 32 entrants has not been reached at the end of registration, each contestant will be paired up against the contestant whose entry number is numerically closest. If a contestant leaves the contest before their number is drawn for either event, and/or does not
respond when their number is called, their number will be skipped and the contestant will be disqualified from further competition in that event for the day. If, for any reason, there are an odd number of entrants competing in the first round of High Lies and Low Puns, the
remaining unpaired contestant holding the highest number will be given a bye to the next round and will be paired against the contestant with the lowest number who survived the previous round. After the first round, any other odd numbered contestant will be matched up in a 3-way elimination at the end of each round.
5. FINAL AUTHORITY: The Master(s) of Ceremonies shall not overrule or change the positions determined by the judges' scores in the Punniest of Show competition (except in matters of an exceeded time limit and/ or audience response), but will have final authority over all other phases of registration and of both contests, including the interpretation and implementation of these rules.
6. RESPONSIBILITY: No employee of the O. Henry Home and Museum or the City of Austin, nor any member of, or anyone officially associated with the Friends of the O. Henry Museum or Punsters United Nearly Yearly (P.U.N.Y.), shall be held responsible or liable in any way for the final outcome of either contest or for any other matter regarding the competition as a whole or in part.
If you are seeing this for the first time, know that it is NOT too late to join, enjoy and / or participate in this the eighth wonder of the words. Just follow the sounds of laughter.
On May 20th part ‘B' of the May Pundit will be issued with all of the results of this wonderful world of word wizardry.
And always remember that A DAY WITHOUT PUNS IS LIKE A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE, THERE'S GLOOM FOR IMPROVEMENT
Volume 28, May 2007.
The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.
It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking. Executing Director: Gary Hallock,
Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert
Email to punpunpun@rogers.com, and visit us on the web at ww.punpunpun.com
The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation
June 2007
The ongoing results of the 30th O.HENRY PUN-OFF are going on here, going forword.
Sasha Manz received 34 points at the Punniest of Show competition with this drug inspired recitation.
Reefering
Hello, my name is SAsha Manz, and REEFERING to the other day, well actually it was the other REEK, @ 4:20, I told SEEDY LARRY that I've got POT-ential with a little HEMP from my friends because my KIND friends share the secret of the SHWAGGERED. WEED TWEEDED each other as BUDS, but "0", who could imagine that they would try to STONE me! -
Suffering sucka STASH! We HASHED it out, and their GANJAH HOOKA me up with this SNOOCFIIE-BOOCHIE called MARRY JANE but warned "DOOBIE careful, HERB-being LOCO and WACKY, and she smells like a SKUNK INDO'S and she needs to be HYDRO'D down often and she will ENC-ROACH on your SPACE-D - OUTNESS, and she is not CHEEBA, you might only, for a haircut - afford a BUZZ, are you HEMP to that?"
I said I'm sorry but I've gotta T - H you C ??? Anyway, I didn't know if she would like me because I have the MAN-CHEESE, and I'm CANI-BASHFUL but she TURNED ME ON and! PIPED-up and SESS, MARY-JUANA?
She said SCORE! I said WOWI and I CASHED in! KAYA believe it? After that, she was HIGH on my list. I was DEALER-ious.
To KIFF from being BLUNT, I BONGED my HEAD into a GATEWAY that wasn't
SCREENED and it DRUG my body through the DIRT & WEEDS & GRASS. That was pretty heavy, but I asked god to LITE-ONE-UP on me and I repented for my SINS-A-MILLIA.
The RASTA the story is in the PAPERS, it says: You don't get Head SPLIFFING pains when you ZIG & ZAG, it's KUSH-Y enough to SWISHER, and it won't KILLER you.
I wanted to make this rant about several things, but I decide that I had BUDA not TIE-SHTICKS together for shear MOTA-VATION even if I am on a ROLL. We need SMOKE-indred spirits in the USE to RESIN-ate our HOMEGROWN CHONGS to the people who didn't CHEECH the world out of MUGGLES of happiness.
I hope you enjoyed my true story. People may say that I made this all up, but there is no way INHALE that I'd BAKE the FUNK.
Kirk Miller received 33 points in this taxing speech at the 30th O.Henry Pun-Off
(Wearing a name tag hanging around his neck that read: Lou Pole).
Hello, I'm a tax dodger who will help you avoid taxes.
My name is Lou Pole (loophole).
Net income is what fishermen make.
Gross income is what Bill Gates makes.
Taxes are a form of capital punishment.
Capital gains is the increase in Austin's population.
Two hippies paid tax on marijuana they sold, and filed a joint return.
Billiards players deduct their losses as out-of-pocket expenses.
When optometrists file tax returns, they like to item eyes.
When the I.R.S. disallowed deductions for a quadriplegic woman, she was up in arms!
The I.R.S. levied a fee on male cattle, claiming it was tax-a-bull.
Sherlock Holmes avoided paying income taxes because of his brilliant deductions.
In England, they tax mothers who are shorter than five feet tall. It's called a mini-mum tax.
Due to unpaid taxes, the Italian government put a lien on the Tower of Pisa.
Paying money to the I.R.S. is like flushing money down the toilet. The income owed is in commode.
I will finish with a song.
The IRS . . . gives me distress . . .
clap-clap-clap-clap . . . Deep in the Hurt of Taxes.
This song I sing . . is quite taxing . . .
clap-clap-clap-clap . . . Deep in the Hurt of Taxes.
The IRS . . . combined spells THEIRS . . .
clap-clap-clap-clap . . . Deep in the Hurt of Taxes.
The tax agent . . . is not a gent . . .
clap-clap-clap-clap . . . Deep in the Hurt of Taxes.
The IRS . . . spelled I Are Ass . . .
clap-clap-clap-clap . . . Deep in the Hurt of Taxes.
Our income owed . . . is in commode . . .
clap-clap-clap-clap . . . Deep in the Hurt of Taxes.
Remember: Don't mess with Taxes!
Pat Tanzola from Toronto received a respectable 33 points on this punning about puns:
Wow, Austin Texas. As Sean Connery might say, this sewer is a grate shitty.
Folks, urine for a treat. Flush with pride, here's what I stink about you all.
In honour of the 30th anniversay, I'm going to pun not about poo...but about punsters! Because I've never meta-pun I could resist.
Punning is like a drug with puzzling side effects, and ritalin makes it worse.
The routines up here are not exactly literature, but I say Joyce do it. Even shakes peer agitated his friends. But nothing compares to when my grandmother haikus up her skirt and stanzas there, punning. Such per verse ity. Punsters are pretty sick birds, the jokes they tell should be ill eagle. It's not emusing. The jokes I tell just ostrich size me from my friends; they think I'm a loon.
Most puns are just pointless yawn sequiturs. For example:
Tree puns are not very poplar.
Gambling puns are real eye rollers.
Puns about radio frequencies should be band.
Video games? No pun Nintendo'd.
Food puns- hard to take in gest.
Liver puns taste awful, who cares if they're full of irony.
Chicken puns are fowl, and puns about exploding cows are absolutely tear a bull.
Islamic puns are so offensive they give me Koranaries. No mo ham meding it up!
And midget puns - easily the lowest form of humour.
The joke's on me though - as a punster who is Roman Catholic, I'm pretty much guaranteed never to have sects!
But I don't want to nitpick, folks; it's been ass lice, but I'm itching to get off stage. I'm dying here - please take me off laugh support. And stop with the abusive ad homonym attacks. Some respect please, I'm not just a punster, I'm a fully groan man!
The mother-daughter team of Judy Dean and June Morris entertained the audience with this routine.
And now a Mother-Daughter PAIR Make ACES of Themselves:
Judy: I thought I'd DIAMOND-ay when that twister came up the DRAW. So much damage - some homes without a STUD left. That was a close CALL.
June: It CUT through here taKING our TEN roof. I'm just SIX about it. We're staying in this barn 'til we QUEEN up the mess. I guess your place is the only POCKET that wasn't HIT.
Judy: FIVE got a FULL HOUSE. Every BET is taken. After the kids EIGHT, they unFOLDed quilts and LAYDOWN on the DECK. When ANTE Em and Uncle CHIP TURNed up, I couldn't HOLD 'EM, so we tried to put ANTE UP in a hotel ON THE RIVER between a FLOP house and a STRIP CLUB. She RAISED hell, gave us a HEART time, and refused to CHECK in. I was ready to JOKER, but CHIP said it SUITED him fine, CASINO-s the area and thinks it'-SEVEN.
June: I gotta HAND it to you, how you SHUFFLE things around.
Judy: That cat you found on the BLUFF - did you get her SPADE?
June: Yes, but those Ace--n'-NINE boys, TREY and Roy, tried to FLUSH that KITTY STRAIGI-IT down the POT. Lucky I caught her before she was ALL IN.
Judy: Are you going to KEEPER?
June: I'm afraid ROYAL FLUSH her again, and now I've got these rabbits.
Judy: What's the DEAL?
June: I found a nearly BLIND ONE-EYED JACK rabbit IN A HOLE. It was such a strong KICKER, I had a DEUCE of a time trying to POKER into a cage. Be-FOUR I knew it there was a PAIR, then THREE OF A KIND, then FOUR OF A KIND. Now I don't know how many.
Judy: Well, don't count your BUNNIES while you're living in this
sTABLE. There'll be time enough for countin' when the CEILING'S done.
Aaron Aiken entertained the audience with this infomercial on dating.
Are your romantic encounters far from GRAPE'? Finding it hard to get a DATE? Are you lacking some of the PEPPER aspects of a social life? Do people PECAN you because you're getting ALDER but still aren't POPLAR with your own PALM, much less the ladies? Well, ACACIA didn't notice, I've got a solution to all of these problems I've been ASPEN you about. My LOCUST dating service will keep your wallet EVERGREEN and stop you from WILLO WING in your own misery. FOREST of commercial, CITRUS self down and invest your attention in the finest ladies who have all their LIMBS and no CYPRESSED mental problems. No BEECHES here. We've got girls with the TRUNK, and you'd better believe we've got the perfect dates for all you CHEST NUTS out
there. OLIVE to tell you that this offer will be around forever, but we've
got a limited supply of them so PINE no longer, get to a phone and
SPRUCE up your life today! Go, MANGO! WALNUT every date goes perfectly, not having one at all would SYCAMORE. And my final advice to you is, if you don't want to raise the kids, don't CEDAR in the first place. Don't VINE to me if that happens folks, LEMON learn.
I'm Aaron ACORN, and if you call now I'll send Brian OAKLEAF and Bill BRANCH right over to your house. Because hey, TREES company. HOLLY if you hear me!
(asthma mail takes a breather here, I shall puff more stuff as it inhales)
Kid's Korner
A number of primary schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Children were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the' better' ones. Here are some of the descriptions of "ocean life."
1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher age 7)
3. Oysters' balls are called pearls! (James age 6)
4. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)
5. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
6. A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
7. My uncle goes out in his boat with pot, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 7)
8. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
9. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 7)
10. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
Continuing with the kid's Science Exam answers.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?(e.g., abd omen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Irregular Verbs... (The game of "Irregular Verbs" or "Conjugations" was created quite a few years ago by philosopher Bertrand Russell on the BBC program "Brains Trust" when he declared "I am firm," the first example on our list.)
I am firm; you are obstinate; He is a pig-headed fool.
- I am an epicure; You are a gourmand; He has both feet in the trough.
- I am sparkling; You are unusually talkative; He is a drunk.
- I am farseeing; You are a visionary; He's a fuzzy-minded dreamer.
- I am beautiful; You have quite good features; She isn't bad-looking, if you like that type.
- I have reconsidered; You have changed your mind; He has gone back on his word.
- I dream; You escape; He needs help.
- I am at my prime; You are middle-aged; He's getting old.
- I am a liberal; You are a radical; He is a communist.
- I am casual; You are informal; He is an unshaven slob.
- I am in charge of public relations; You exaggerate; He misleads.
- I am a camera; You are a copycat; He is a plagiarist.
- I am righteously indignant; You are annoyed; He is making a fuss about nothing.
- I am a behavioral researcher; You are curious about people; He is a Peeping Tom.
- I am nostalgic; You are old-fashioned; He is living in the past.
And always remember that A DAY WITHOUT PUNS IS LIKE A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE, THERE'S GLOOM FOR IMPROVEMENT
Volume 28, June 2007.
The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.
It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking. Executing Director: Gary Hallock,
Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert
Email to punpunpun@rogers.com, and visit us on the web at ww.punpunpun.com
The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation
July 2007
HAPPY 140th BIRTHDAY CANADA
A priest is out golfing one day. He is halfway down the first fairway,
waiting to hit his second shot, when he hears the familiar, "Fore!"
Immediately, a ball slams into his back.
The golfer who hit the ball rushes up to him and recognizes him.
"Father, I'm terribly sorry. The ball just got away from me."
"That's all right, my son," the priest says. "I'm not hurt."
"Thank goodness, Father!" the man exclaims. The two shake
hands and the man says, "You know, Father, I've been playing this game
for 40 years, and now I can tell my friends that I've hit my first holy one
From the annals of those with deficient IQ's (affectionately known as ‘DIQ')
CAR TROUBLE
A'DIQ' pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor".
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a ‘DIQ' for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
This ‘DIQ'is out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another ‘DIQ' on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second ‘DIQ' looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
‘DIQ' ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a ‘DIQ' were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The ‘DIQ' said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the ‘DIQ' replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A ‘DIQ' was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
‘DIQ' 'S DOGS
A girl was visiting her ‘DIQ' friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The ‘DIQ' responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO..." answered the ‘DIQ' "They're watch dogs!" Thank you Chantale.
Ask A Silly Question ...
A ‘DIQ' 's car gets a flat tire on the highway, so she pulls over to the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. These lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats and posed exposing their private parts to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.
It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the ‘DIQ' of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?" asks the Officer.
She replied: "Oh, those are my emergency flashers!"
Patricia Crosbie tells this story; "Girl Potato and Boy Potato."
Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got
married, and had a little sweet potato, who they called ''YAM.'' Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like ''Hot Potato,'' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told her to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say;''Frito Lay.''
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced that she was going to marry Peter Mansbridge.... Peter Mansbridge???... Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Peter Mansbridge because he's just A COMMON TATER.
New Words for 2007 for the WORDSMITH in you:
* SWAMP-DONKEY A deeply unattractive person.
* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
* ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to spawn and die.
* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.
* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)
* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".
* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
* ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.
* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.
* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').
* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.
* MONKEY BATH ..
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".
* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
From: Renee from Napa
Where can a man buy a cap for his knee,
Or the key to a lock of his hair?
Can his eyes be called an academy
Because there are pupils there?
Is the crown of your head where jewels are found?
Who travels the bridge of your nose?
If you wanted to shingle the roof of your mouth,
Would you use the nails on your toes?
Can you sit in the shade of the palm of your hand,
Or beat on the drum of your ear?
Can the calf in your leg eat the corn off your toe?
Then why not grow corn on the ear?
Can the crook in your elbow be sent to jail?
If so, just what did he do?
How can you sharpen your shoulder blades?
I'll be darned if I know - do you?
Language and Grammar Rules for Authors
1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Make each pronoun agree with their antecedent.
3. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
4. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
5. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
6. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.)
7. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
8. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
9. Be more or less specific.
10. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
11. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
12. About them sentence fragments.
13. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
14. Love thy editor as thyself.
15. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
16. When dangling, watch your participles.
17. Just between you and I, case is important too.
18. Don't write run-on-sentences they are hard to read.
19. Entreé nous. ,foreign words and phrases are passé, and not apropos.
20. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary;
it's highly superfluous and often repetitive.
21. One should NEVER generalize.
22. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
23. Don't never use no double negatives.
24. FYI: Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
25. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
26. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
27. The passive voice is to be avoided.
28. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
29. Never use a Brobdingnageon word when a minuscule one would suffice.
30. Kill all exclamation points!!!
31. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.
32. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
33. There are three kinds of authors in this world, those who can count and those who can't.
34. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
35. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
36. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
37. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
38. Contractions aren't necessary, and shouldn't be used.
39. Who needs rhetorical questions?
39.. If you number points in a list, be sure to get ‘em right.
41. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
42. Proofread carefully to be sure you don't any words out.
And finally... 43. PLEASE don't use large print bold, underlining, fancy exotic typefaces, EXCESSIVE CAPITAL LETTERS, colors, or exclamation marks to over-emphasize minor points!!!!!!Sent by Seth L. Haber
And always remember that A DAY WITHOUT PUNS IS LIKE A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE, THERE'S GLOOM FOR IMPROVEMENT
Volume 28, JULY 2007.
The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.
It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking. Executing Director: Gary Hallock,
Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert
Email to punpunpun@rogers.com, and visit us on the web at ww.punpunpun.com
The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation
August 2007
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought 'that's Aboriginal'
I was reading this book today, 'The History of Glue', and I couldn't put it down.
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on and on.
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny; you couldn't swing a cat in there!
I said to this man, you invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue?" I said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where's he then?"
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a volkswagen with no driver.
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it is P something T something R.
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
Told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
I got the above from below from my friend Francis Gillis. (They mate have been printed upside down)
DAFFY-nitions
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the
middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have.You have character lines.
NEW ALPHABET PROPOSED BY THE AGING ALEX ANDERSON
A is for apple, and B is for boat, that used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said, but let's be a bit more realistic instead
A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P is for prescri ptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; there are bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have-- in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!
Sew I'm hemming and hawing with frayed nerves. I may hem not my best skirt but the worsted which luckily is flared for the biased crowd at the piecegoods rally. We'll be gathered loosely behind the Waist Band threading our way through the crowds, hoping not to get a basting from the pockets of resistance or being buttonholed by the frill seekers. I'm sure we'll be in stitches later. Don't needle me about this. I know we're a fringe group. Kathleen Moore.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his
work.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count
that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
Volume 28, AUGUST 2007.
The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.
It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking. Executing Director: Gary Hallock,
Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert
Email to punpunpun@rogers.com, and visit us on the web at ww.punpunpun.com
The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation
September Pundit
Two young women went into a furniture store and asked to be directed to the sofa department. The salesman who greeted them was a chauvinistic good ol' boy who knew that his chances of making a sale were always much better when dealing with a married couple. Still, he reluctantly began showing them the sofas, settees and love seats.
"What we're really looking for is an upholstered footstool that's long and wide, "one woman admitted.
"Oh, I might have known," responded the salesman, "but I don't think either of you are going to be able to find anything like that. I've always felt a woman can't get a long width ottoman." (By Gary Hallock)
PUNDERABLES:
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me they're cramming for their final exam.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
There will always be death and taxes; however,death doesn't get worse every year.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. I am a nutritional overachiever. I am having an out of money experience. I plan on living forever. So far, so good. A day without sunshine is like night. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone. There are three religious truths: 1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. 3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.
Thrown for a loop by Gary Hallock via Stan Kegel's Groaners
A quarter horse never rides in the rein without two bits.
Two bits? No, That‘s a quarter dollar
A quoted holler is something like "HEY! "
Hay is a food for horses, it‘s not something we eat.
Wheat foods like veggies & fruits.
If roots are tasty, wheat those too.
Though stew is also made with tubers.
A tuber in your mouth could get you into a marching band
With marching banned, there‘s nothing to use a tuba for.
A tuba four is measured in board feet.
Bored feet is what you have when your march is banned.
When March is banned the whole month could be skipped.
Skipping a month will make you tired enough to walk.
Woking is how they cook food in China.
Cooking food in china is not a smart thing to do.
Dew forms out of a foggy haze.
Haze a food for horses.
Forces used when diplomacy fails.
Fails are used to cover the face of a bride.
Bride goeth before the falls.
A fallshood is the enemy of the truth.
A truth ache can hurt quite a bit.
A bit helps the rider of a horse maneuver.
Horse maneuver is used to fertilize.
Fertilize are stories that are very false
False the opposite of spring.
A spring in your step can make you skip.
When ewes skip, they‘re sometimes herd bleating.
Hurt bleeding wounds will force a surgeon to cauterize.
If you caught her eyes she might make your heart skip a beat.
Skip a beet at supper if it‘s slimey.
It‘s limeys who sail with a British skipper.
If you‘re a skipper, you walk with a beat.
If you wok with a beet, you could make Chinese stew.
If you make shiny stew, serve it with silver Polish.
Polish cars have loud sirens.
Sirens is golden.
It‘s golden the Arctic.
Arctics lived on the back of Noah‘s dog.
Know a dog bisquit that a pooch wouldn‘t want to bite for?
A 2 by 4 is a common lumber size.
Lumbar sighs are noises heard from backachers.
Backachers are the ones where the cattle graze.
Cattle grays result from breeding a white bull to a black cow.
A black cow happens after a power failure.
If you failure forehead is hot, you‘ve probably got a fever.
If ever this happens, drink plenty of liquid and get yourself to bed.
Tibet is the home of the Dali Lama.
A llama is furry mammal like an alpaca.
I‘ll pack a bag someday Andes see if I can visit one at the dromedary
farm.
Dairy farm party was founded by Ross Perot.
A raw sparrow would have no feathers.
No fathers and no mothers, means you‘re an orphan.
An' orphan this means you‘re lonesome.
Lonesome money to a friend and you‘ll regret it.
Regret it Garbo said, "I vant to be a loan. "
Lone arrangers can get you some silver.
Silver was mint to be a quarter horse.
A quarter horse has a tack on his bridle.
A bridle walk with the groom down the aisle to the altar.
The halter is also part of the bridle.
Once she‘s on the bridal path aisle not be able to halter.
Without an altar ego she wouldn‘t need a groom.
Without egg room she won‘t bear children.
Bare children should be diapered.
And I purred because I had happy feelings.
Happy felines are playful and frisky
Frisky trip you need clothing that‘s warm
That swarm of bees is exhibiting intereSTING behavior.
Beehive your swarms and they‘ll fill your bee comb up.
Become a pretty good beekeeper and life will be sweeter.
A sweeter is a good thing to pack for a ski vacation.
Occasionally diplomacy works, but sometimes it doesn‘t.
A dozen eggs is better than a single egg alone.
Egg alone of water divided among four horses comes to a quart a horse.
A quarter horse never rides in the rein without two bits.
A mono story from Patricia Crosbie
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but, there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks...!.:)
And always remember that A DAY WITHOUT PUNS IS LIKE A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE, THERE'S GLOOM FOR IMPROVEMENT
Volume 28, September 2007.
The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.
It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking. Executing Director: Gary Hallock,
Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert
Email to punpunpun@rogers.com, and visit us on the web at ww.punpunpun.com
The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation
OCTOBER 2007
Q. If a vampire bites a psychic medium, what kind of suit is he wearing? Asks John Shea
A. Seer-sucker. John answers.
A NEW WINE FOR SENIORS
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an antidiuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people will have to make to the bathroom during the night. The new wine will be marketed as: PINO MORE (I heard it through the grapevine!)
The fairy Tinker Bell hoped to be Peter Pan's companion, but he rejected her for the more mundane Wendy. Devastated by this downturn of events, Tinker Bell decided to get as far away from Never-Never Land as she could. Her flight from fantasy land ended in Fresno, California, where she became a waitress at a roadside truckstop.
One day an especially rowdy group of truckers came into the restaurant. They got roaring drunk, spoke loudly and rudely, slopped chunks of food all over the table and floor, and left Tinker Bell a measly quarter gratuity per trucker. The enraged sprite literally flew into a tantrum, pointed to one of the paltry coins, and screamed, "It's the wrong way to tip a fairy, who's a long way from home!"
This was written by Simone van Egeren for Richard Lederer and Stan Kegel's newly published book of musical groaners, "The Ants Are My Frienda A Punderful Celebration of Song." (Marion Street Press) Richard and Stan are former Punsters of the Year and frequent contributors to "The Pundit." The book is available through Amazon, book stores and from Richard Lederer at http://pw1.netcom.com/~rlederer/index.htm
Buddy goes to the Cape Breton revival and listens to the preacher a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.
Buddy gets in line.
When it's his turn the preacher says, "Buddy, what you want me to pray about?
Buddy says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."
So the preacher puts one finger in Buddy's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays awhile.
After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "Buddy, how's your hearing now?"
Buddy says, "I don't know preacher ...it's not until next Wednesday in Sydney."
(An old eulogy you'll agree is worth this reincarnation.)
SAD NEWS from the entertainment community
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died last week of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes
Some daffynitions
Accord: Thick piece of string
Parachute: Two guns (Cynthia MacGregor)
Bobsled: The act of guidance by a person named Robert. "I ain't no
expert, but I think BOBSLED us down the wrong path." (Jeff Foxworthy) Nowhere: Nothing suitable in the closest
Serology: study of knighthood (Richard Lederer)
*Lady With Sense Of Humor*
I got this from a woman online.
A friend of hers died who had a great sense of humor and always used to say that when she died she wanted a parking meter on her grave that says "Expired". So her nephew got her one on ebay! She said that her grave is right by the road so everyone can see it and many people have stopped to get a chuckle.
Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. It comes from a catholic elementary school test. Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.
1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
3 Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
7. Moses led the Jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to mount cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
9. The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of geritol.
12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finke steins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.
25. Christians have only one spouse this is called monotony.
'Twas the night before Halloween!
(This was taken from a past Pundit, October 2004)
'Twas the night before Halloween
and all through the crypt
EVERY creature was stirring
(except one bat that got gypped).
The monsters had gathered
to plan and prepare,
for the trick-or-treaters
who soon would be there.
Mummies unraveled and put on new wraps.
Spiders found corners and spun silky traps.
Count Dracula grinned and slicked back his hair.
Frankenstein's bride cried, "I've nothing to wear!"
"Hurry up!" said a ghoul who started to yawn.
"There's so much to do before bedtime at dawn."
So the witches brewed up a magical potion
which set every monster and goblin in motion.
They blew up balloons, and hung streamers and lights,
and decorated till the wee hours of night.
Meanwhile the children were tucked in their beds
while visions of candy corn danced in their heads.
And when they awoke, it was Halloween Day.
There was bobbing for apples and rides in the hay.
There were costume parties, and games to be played;
Cupcakes and candy and, of course, a parade!
After dinner was served and the kids were done eating,
it was finally time to go trick-or-treating!
Moms re-painted faces, and straightened clown hats,
put wings back on fairies, angels and bats.
Jack-o-Lanterns were set out on porches with care.
Their grins seemed to say, "Knock if you dare."
Gypsies and pirates and zombies in rags,
grabbed their bright flashlights and trick-or-treat bags.
They walked down each lane, avenue and street,
rang every doorbell and yelled, "Trick-or-Treat!"
But just when the children thought they were done,
the princess piped up, "We've forgotten just one!"
So they walked to the house at the top of the hill,
which gave all the kids a spine-tingling thrill.
They stood on the porch and were ready to knock,
when the heard heavy footsteps, and a turn of the lock.
When what to their curious eyes should loom,
but a wicked old witch holding a broom.
Her cape-how it shimmered! Her face-oh, how scary!
Her hat was so pointy, it frightened the fairy!
The wicked witch said, "Welcome. We have a surprise."
And the children yelled, "Run! It's not a disguise!"
The monsters were sad when the kids ran away.
They wanted the children to come in and play.
The wicked witch said, "We can have our own fun!
Come on, little monsters, the night's just begun!"
The monsters all cheered as they danced with delight,
"Happy Halloween to all...and to all a fright's night!"
(Author Unknown)
...always remember that "A day without puns is like a day with out sunshine. There's gloom for improvement!"
|
Volume 28, OCTOBER 2007.
The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.
It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking. Executing Director: Gary Hallock,
Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert
Email to punpunpun@rogers.com, and visit us on the web at ww.punpunpun.com
The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation
November (sent out one day early to accommodate more ghoulishness on Halloween)
Stan Kegel collects and poses these Halloween Riddles.
Why did the skeleton go to hospital? To have his ghoul stones removed!
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain? He could feel it in his bones!
What do you call a skeleton who won't get up in the mornings? Lazy bones!
What do boney people use to get into their homes? Skeleton keys!
What happened to the boat that sank in the sea full of piranha fish? It came back with a skeleton crew!
Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating? Women can see right through them.
Why didn't the Invisible Man get invited to the Halloween party? They knew he wouldn't show up. (Gary Hallock)
Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party? Because everyone was a goblin! (Clynch Varnadore)
How do mummies hide? They wear masking tape.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts.
Why do you always find ghouls and demons together? Because demons are a ghoul's best friend. (Lederer & Entner)
How can you tell that Doctor Frankenstein had a good sense of humor? Because he kept his monster in stitches. (Gary Hallock)
What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? A cereal killer. (Clynch Varnadore)
Why do dragons sleep during the day? So they can fight knights.
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest? No body. (Clynch Varnadore)
Why do mummies make excellent spies? They're good at keeping things under wraps (Gary Hallock)
If the devil lost his tail, where could he find a new one? At a store where they retail spirits (Stan Kegel) .
Why did the doctor tell the zombie to get some rest? He was dead on his feet.
Why did the headless horseman go into business? He wanted to get ahead in life.
What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his back? "You're under a vest!"
Why aren't there any famous skeletons? They're a bunch of no bodies.
What was the witch's favorite subject in school? Spelling.
Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry? They're afraid of flying off the handle! (Clynch Varnadore)
What's it like to be kissed by a vampire? It's a pain in the neck.
What happened to the monster children who ate all their vegetables? They gruesome.
What's it called when a vampire has trouble with his home? A grave problem.
Stan Kegel: The Beast of London (A Halloween Story)
By the 15th century, the Templar Knights had disappeared, but deep in the bowels of the British Museum in a case well sealed and protected lies a strange memorial to their impact on the city of London.
London of the early 12th century was on its way to becoming an impressive city, but its life and its blood was the Thames River. Without the river commerce would grind to a halt as the people of London discovered to their horror in 1216.......The first ships seemed simply to have disappeared, but the monster wasted little time in this caution. Soon, many Londoners had seen the gaping maw licked by flames dragging a hapless crew to its death. It was a fire salamander, and in the Autumn of 1216 it was estimated to be 40 feet long with jaws that gaped 10 feet wide.
By the spring of 1217, the monster was no longer a nuisance, it was a deadly plague. No boat could navigate the Thames... no raft was small enough; no ship was large enough to resist the demon of the Thames. Worse, the beast was growing! The latest reports called it 70 feet long with jaws opening 15 feet. Our instinct is to discount this absurd growth, and yet few could impeach its source.
He, our source, enters the story in August of 1217. London had begged, prayed, blasphemed, and killed in desperate attempts to exorcise or appease their curse; to no avail. On June 14, four men painted themselves with the Devil's Cross and proclaimed themselves the Dark Priests of the Beast. They built a ship and doused it in oil; then, they sailed it down the river. Dark Priests they may have been, but they died screaming like any man. On July 28, London sent three virgins (the youngest not yet 13) down the Thames to the monster. It was thought that this would appease the evil god: the monster's hunger exceeded even this atrocity.
On August 23, our source received his summons. His given name is lost in his chosen name: Honorus. He was a Templar Knight and possibly a saint. That morning, he was commanded to destroy the beast.
London in fear and desperation had turned to their most jealous weapon, the Templars... warrior monks who fought with the fierce, perhaps fanatic, frenzy of the devout. The city had exhausted all other options; the monks were its last hope, and Honorus was the greatest of the Knights.
The battle was truly a footnote to his preparation... Honorus ventured into the woods upstream from London. He forsook shelter, clothing, food, and sleep for four days, meditating on the coming struggle. When the four days ended, he stalked and killed a stag without weapon or aid. With the skin of the stag he made clothing; from its flesh he regained his strength; and with its guts, he lashed five logs into a raft fit for his purpose. Honorus set the raft in motion. He had outfitted himself with the only item he would use in this fight which had not come out of the forest with him. A sword of Spanish steel, blue with the sky, lay in his lap. Soon, he felt the swell of the water disturb his raft: the monster was coming, yet he sat unmoving.
The beast broke the surface. No human is perfect; a splinter of the collapsing raft clipped Honorus' left foot as he leapt into the water. He had timed his jump slightly too late, but no matter, the injury will not be important until after the battle. The monster was above the water only momentarily; time enough for Honorus to drive his sword between two of its scales. The monster thrashed in pain, turning its exposed flesh from the steaming water. Honorus was lifted from the water as the beast rolled. He gauged his
stroke and leapt, striking the monster's eye. Angered and half blinded, the beast threw Honorus into the river and grasped him in its immense jaws. Honorus swam quickly past the teeth into the monster's mouth. Inside, the questing tongue scalded his feet as he searched for purchase again, and we shall ignore this
injury for now. Once he had braced himself inside the beast's mouth, pushing with all his strength against the slowly rising tongue, he took aim. Honorus had time to make only one thrust.
When his journal recalls these events, it attributes Honorus' "luck" in this battle to aid from the Divine. We do not wish to detract from the glory of God, but surely He will not envy His servant. Is it coincidence that Honorus' blade struck true to the brain? Honorus had already studied carefully the anatomy of the salamander a week before he was summoned to fight the beast. Did Honorus not know that the water's rush against the beast's exposed flank would cause it such pain? In his journal, "August 24: And once I am atop the beast and it has rolled from the water, where then to strike?"
Two weeks after Honorus was told to lift the curse of London, the beast was dead. The next day London celebrated Honorus; the town would live because of him. Three days later, gratitude had disappeared.
The body of the beast had lodged itself firmly in the mire less than half a mile downstream of London. Although it was yet intact (perhaps due to its incredible armor), it would surely soon rot. While not so great a terror, the rotting beast would be almost as dangerous as the live beast, attracting disease and scavengers. No ship could move the carcass. The people of London called upon Honorus.
Honorus' solution was difficult but practical, and he began as soon as he had retrieved his sword. He fasted for two days; then, he ate the cooked meat of the huge salamander and fasted for a third day. When he suffered no ill effects, Honorus began dissecting the beast. With the help of London, Honorus soon had all the usable meat and intestines of the dead beast transformed into sausage. A bizarre solution it was, but a good one. The sausage was soon discovered to be excellent and to keep easily for very long periods
of time. Even more important, the sausage fast became incredibly popular throughout England and much of Europe. It began to reestablish the fame of London's trade after the Hiatus of the Beast.
Still, Honorus has one final contribution to this history... It became vital that everyone knew from whence the incredible sausage of London came, and thus we return to Honorus' injuries. After the battle with the live beast and the crisis of the dead beast, Honorus took time to recover. Six weeks after he was first summoned, he was dressing the injuries on his feet. The problems of London were known to him. As he dipped a strip of paper like gauze into a healing salve, he had a thought.
One week later, each sausage shipped from London carried a fascinating new development: a label. Just as the gauze dried and closed on Honorus' foot, the parchment around these sausages was attached; and all would know the fame of London from each link she sold. In the end, despite all his other feats, it was this idea, the product label that survived Honorus. In tribute to this advance, the British Museum houses the only known surviving label from Honorus' sausages. And although even the tough gut of the Beast has long since faded to dust, the label may still be read. If our reader could go to the Museum and enter the Medieval wing's most treasured collection, she could still read, in faint letters, the Label of Honor:... It Was The Beast Of Thames; It Was The Wurst Of Thames...
Mikie Friedman asks, "Did you hear about the professional bowler who wanted to strike it rich in his spare time? He exp-laned that bowling was right up his alley."
"you know, living in los angeles costs an arm and a leg, but i live in a cheap apartment." i tell people that all the time when they ask how i lost my arm.
i've written to you and have submitted many puns (some worse than others) over the last few years, but i don't think i ever told you that i lost my dominant arm and shoulder to cancer several years ago. so i tell people things like "i can give you a hand, but only one, and you have to give it back because i am a little short-handed". and that's why i write all in lower case. it's easier. also, i never allow people to say "on the other hand" to me. uh uh, not allowed.
five days after my surgery, the hospital therapists put a clipboard in my hand and told me to practice writing. this was the first thing i wrote:
i guess by now you've heard the rumor,
mikie friedman had a tumor.
knowing that it would have harmed her,
the doctors went in and disarmed her.
so the arm is gone and so's the tumor,
but not, thank g-d, her sense of humor
i find that humor comes in handy when dealing with my special situation. so when i send you puns i have written as i sit in my armchair (not armschair!), please understand it's just my way of keeping fun in my life.
Clark, Lois, and Jimmy were striding down the streets of Metropolis one sunny afternoon. As they passed a construction site, Lois noticed a worker carrying a load of bricks up the ladder on his shoulder. She stopped dead, looked hard at him; then turned to the others and said,"Someone should write a song: 'Bricking Up is Hod to Do'." Jimmy Olsen stopped dead in his tracks, slapped his thigh, and let loose a series of guffaws that reverberated across the street. He suddenly paused mid-laugh and looked at Clark, who stood there, stoic as ever. "Gee, Mr. Kent that was a real laugh. Don't you get it?" "Sorry, Jimmy," replied Clark Kent. "I ignore those. Remember that puns are the Lois form of humor." (By Bob Dvorak)
...And always remember that A DAY WITHOUT PUNS IS LIKE A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE, THERE'S GLOOM FOR IMPROVEMENT
Volume 28, November 2007.
The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.
It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.
Executing Director: Gary Hallock,
Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert
Email to punpunpun@rogers.com,
and visit us on the web at http://www.punpunpun.com/
The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation
December 2007
Three men passed on on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint
Peter at the Pearly gates. "In honour of this holy season," Saint
Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas
to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled
out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out
a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through
his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's
undies.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and
asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
And So The Holiday Season Begins....
Stan Kegel says these are how careers end.
* Lawyers are disbarred.
* Ministers are defrocked.
* Electricians are delighted.
* Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented.
* Drunks are distilled.
* Alpine climbers are dismounted.
* Piano tuners are unstrung.
* Orchestra leaders are disbanded.
* Artists' models are deposed.
* Cooks are deranged.
* Dressmakers are unbiased.
* Nudists are redressed.
* Office clerks are defiled.
* Mediums are dispirited.
* Programmers are decoded.
* Accountants are discredited.
* Holy people are disgraced.
* Pastry chefs are deserted.
* Perfume makers are dissented.
* Butterfly collectors are debugged.
* Prostitutes are unscrewed.
* Students are degraded.
* Electricians are refused.
* Bodybuilders are rebuffed.
* Underwear models are debriefed
* Painters are discolored.
* Spinsters are dismissed.
* Judges are disappointed.
* Vegas dealers are discarded.
* Mathematicians are discounted.
* Tree surgeons disembark.
* Exes are disengaged.
While driving across an empty desert I suddenly had to swerve to avoid hitting an Eskimo. Then it dawned upon me it was merely an obstacle Aleutian.
"Ten cents used to be a lot of money. How dimes have changed."
I went to an important meating today. I had no beefs, but thought I might loin something. First they introduced the roastmaster and he skewered everyone. Then they approved the minute steaks from the last meating. They had only one Miss steak and she was a beauty, a New york stripper. They then got to the heart of the agenda, which was rare. At that point a big ham got up with a glazed look in his eyes and started broasting about his golf game, saying he never sliced when he lambasted the ball. I began to think the whole thing was over done so I cut out of there chop chop. (Norm, who forgot to sign it)
I swear it's getting to the point where I can accurately predict which team is going to win when I watch any sport on TV. Maybe I have ESPN. (Stephanie Thompson)
A celebrity tea party was arranged but due to a terrible mix up, only two invitations were mailed out. Bob Hope eagerly accepted his, as did Cher, but the organizer canceled the event because he didn't want to face Hope and Cher at tea. (Gary Hallock)
Symansays JEST FOR THE PUN OF IT: -From Kim Komando-
The Smith family was proud of their tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. Their line had included senators, pastors, and Wall Street wizards.
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for the children. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose; how to handle that great-uncle who was executed in the electric chair. But the author said not to worry; he could handle that section of the family history tactfully. When their book appeared, the family turned to this section on Uncle George. There, they read, "George Smith occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to the position by the strongest of ties. His death came as a real shock."
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
"The best puns for breakfast are synonym puns."
Blessed are the cheese makers for they shall get their whey.
Bachelor: One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit
Barcarole: Song sung in a pub at Christmas time.
SEVEN REASONS NOT TO MESS WITH CHILDREN
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary positions the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE . God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
You must be my host," Tom guessed. (Richard Lederer)
Sign on a scientist's door: Gone fission. (Sandy Sibert)
OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die they just lose their balance.
I have this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all
the time. It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor, and
have his legs checked out. For years, he refused. Told me I was
crazy. But last week, he finally went. Sure enough, the doctor
discovered his left leg was a quarter inch shorter than his right. A
quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured. Both legs are
exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans. "So," I said,
"You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg."
He just looked at me and said, "I stand corrected."
I was traveling through Georgia last summer and stopped at a little
backwoods country store. In the men's room there was a handwritten sign above the malfunctioning potty which said, "Please Wiggel Handel". Below that some wit had written, "If I do, will it wiggel Bach?"
...And always remember that A DAY WITHOUT PUNS IS LIKE A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE, THERE'S GLOOM FOR IMPROVEMENT
Volume 28, December 2007.
The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.
It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.
Executing Director: Gary Hallock,
Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert
Email to punpunpun@rogers.com,
and visit us on the web at http://www.punpunpun.com/
Happy Holidays
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