PUNDITS FROM 2008
PunPunPun.com > PUNDITS FROM 2008
The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation
January 2008
This New year's Resolution for your health and well-being...
A Winter Exercise program...
Take one Weetabix.
Take an Aero chocolate bar.
Crumble the Aero over the Weetabix.
Voila! AEROBIX !
Remember Sam Levenson? Not enough people do. He was such a clever man but time has diminished the memory of his wit. I thought I'd resurrect him, as his words today are as pithy as they were when he wrote them.
"Many wise words are spoken in jest, but they don't compare with the number of stupid words spoken in earnest."
"The first screw to get loose in your head is the one that holds your tongue in place."
"A goat also has a beard, but that doesn't make him a rabbi."
"You're only young once. After that it takes some other excuse for behaving like an idiot."
"Even if the majority agrees on an idiotic idea, it is still an idiotic idea."
"The greatness of this or any country may still be measured by the number of people trying to get IN vs. the number trying to get OUT."
"The best defense of our country is to keep it at all times WORTH defending."
"War doesn't prove who is right; only who is left."
"War is better at abolishing nations than nations are at abolishing wars."
"You can't shake hands with a clenched fist."
"The U.N. has been as effective against war as foghorns have been against Fog."
"There are more important things in life than money. The trouble is they all cost money."
Re: sex education in schools: "Let them teach it! If the schools teach sex the way they teach everything else, the kids will lose interest anyhow."
Mind your Q's and A's
Who was England's first chiropodist? William the Corn curer
What's the longest word in the English language? Smiles, because there is a "mile" between the first and the last letters.
On which side do chickens have the most feathers? The outside.
What kind of paper likes music? (W)rapping paper.
How do snowmen get around? They ride an icicle.
What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert? Lost.
Why did the Eskimo wash his clothes in Tide?
Because it is too cold out tide.
What's pink and fluffy? Pink Fluff!
How do you start a teddy bear race? Ready teddy go!
What did one plate say to the other plate? Lunch is on me!
...more;
Q .Why was the photograph of the ghost underexposed ?
A .Because the spirit was willing but the flash was weak .
Q: Why do baby ducks walk softly?
A: Because they can't walk hardly.
Q. What's red and invisible?
A. No tomatoes.
Q. What do a tomato and an elephant have in common?
A. Neither of them can ride a bike.
Q: What goes ho ho ho plop!
A: Santa Claus laughing his head off.
Q. What would you do if you saw a spaceman?
A. Park in it man.
Q. What's got eight legs, three heads and two wings?
A. A man sitting on a horse holding a chicken
Q. What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A. A carrot.
Q. Where are the Andes?
A. On the end of the wristies
Q. Why didn't the ghost go to the dance?
A. Because he had no body to go with.
Q. Why couldn't the Skeleton say "Happy Christmas?"
A. He didn't have the guts!
Q. Why was Mrs. Stone angry with Mr. Stone?
A. He took her for granite.
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We have a drink named after you", to which the grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Bob?"
Two birds are sitting on a perch. One says to the other, "Do you smell fish?"
...And always remember that A DAY WITHOUT PUNS IS LIKE A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE, THERE'S GLOOM FOR IMPROVEMENT
Volume 29, January 2008
The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.
It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.
Executing Director: Gary Hallock,
Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert
Email to punpunpun@rogers.com,
and visit us on the web at http://www.punpunpun.com/
The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation
February 2008
THE YEAR'S BEST (actual) HEADLINES OF 2007
(These headlines did not come from corduroy pillows, they came from Patty Crosbie)
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Man Struck By Lightning; Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are sued by 7 Foot Doctors
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Clark, Lois, and Jimmy were striding down the streets of Metropolis one sunny afternoon. As they passed a construction site, Lois noticed a worker carrying a load of bricks up the ladder on his shoulder. She stopped dead, looked hard at him; then turned to the others and said," Someone should write a song: 'Bricking Up is Hod to Do'." Jimmy Olsen stopped dead in his tracks, slapped his thigh, and let loose a series of guffaws that reverberated across the street. He suddenly paused mid-laugh and looked at Clark, who stood there, stoic as ever. "Gee, Mr. Kent that was a real laugh. Don't you get it?" "Sorry, Jimmy," replied Clark Kent. "I ignore those. Remember that puns are the Lois form of humor."
"I'm just not 8 years old anymore", Dennis Eberhart said benignly.
I was traveling through Georgia last summer and stopped at a little
backwoods country store. In the men's room there was a handwritten sign above the malfunctioning potty which said, "Please Wiggel Handel". Below that some wit had written, "If I do, will it wiggel Bach?"
Bob Dvorak sends these musical plays:
Would the water flowing through Sebastopol be
the Crimea River?
Had William Tell's son gone on to leave many
women standing at the altar, would he have
been Heartbreaker Tell?
Is a stone containing clam and insect fossils
a Shell Louse Rock?
Does Ortho earn Pennies from Sevin?
Did Johnny Cash ever date Patsy? (I Walk the Cline)
Did the Mammas and the Pappas get the "Alms" day wrong, and
sing "Maundy Monday"?
Would a good song about a waitress be called "Server Girl"?
If actor Kenneth takes a few "hits", does he become
Mellow Mars? (no, I'm off songs now)
If Mr. Zuckerman found a lump of iron in the bottom of
his drainage hole, would that be Sump Pig?
As the presidential election enters the days of
famous-family-member-endorsements, one candidate chose to go one better.
Ron Paul, recognizing that his slim chance to capture the Republican
nomination was shrinking, decided that he would announce his choice of a
high-profile running mate. A perfect complement to his ticket? - Perhaps a
minority, a well-known figure, and even better - an athlete. Paul's decision?
Wilt Chamberlain.
As Wilt was unavailable for the VP spot, Mr. Paul acquiesced to taking as his
running mate Wilt's nephew.
So it was that Mr. Paul's campaign was reinvigorated just in time for Super
Tuesday.
His bumper stickers can now be seen - "Ron Paul - Stilt's kin." (William Stavinoha)
Ann Chiles offers the daffynitions of the following:
1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds.
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do.
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.
10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots.
12. PARADOX: Two physicians
13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
14. PHARMACIST: a helper on the farm.
15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with.
16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring.
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.�
19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.
20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official
...And always remember that A DAY WITHOUT PUNS IS LIKE A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE, THERE'S GLOOM FOR IMPROVEMENT
Volume 29, February 2008
The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.
It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.
Executing Director: Gary Hallock,
Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert
Email to punpunpun@rogers.com,
And visit us on the web at http://www.punpunpun.com/
The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation
March Pundit
Sherlock Holmes and the Mysterious Painting and more from Stan Kegel
Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were doing their usual investigative business one day, when they uncovered an amazing painting.
At first glance, it looked like a picture of a normal oak tree, in the middle of a wilderness, but if you looked closer, you could see that it was a very surreal painting: The tree's trunk was actually made of fire, and it's branches were made of ice, clouds and earth.
"What is it?" asked Watson in awe.
"It's an element tree, my dear Watson," said Holmes.
To teach someone how to build a compass you have to be good at giving
directions.
Weather forecasters' thinking is sometimes clouded.
Horses may get into the movies, but they're usually saddled with the
bit parts.
Is someone who sells old chess pieces a pawn broker?
A good carpenter will do his work and then varnish without a trace.
Writers under pressure are, at present, tense.
Ancient Chinese Law
Back in one of the old Chinese dynasties the towns had gongs that would be rung each two hours: At 8am once, 10am twice, noon thrice, 2pm four times, etc. The lawyers of the day would stretch out the trials as much they could to make more money.
But the judges became extremely bored with the status quo and went to the emperor, getting a proclamation that all trials would have to be concluded at 2pm.
Thereafter all trials ended with a four-gong conclusion. From Friday's File
Haunting QUESTIONS
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
Why is it someone is IN a movie, but ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
An 80 year old lady was being interviewed by the local news station because she had just gotten married - for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. 'He's a funeral director,' she answered. 'Interesting,'
the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short
time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her
60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director. The interview looked at her, quite astonished, and asked her why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained ‘I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go' Thanks to WP for that one!
Potpourri of word playing
- While stealing from a blood bank, the thief was caught red handed.
- Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it all.
- Pour hot water down a rabbit hole and you get a hot cross bunny.
- An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
- The railway had a safety problem, but tried to cover its tracks.
- Back when the news was written on clay tablets there was a lot of breaking news.
- Someone who makes bicycle wheels is a spokes person.
- She became a lifeguard at the beach and kept the buoys in line.
- To many girls the word 'marriage' has a nice ring to it.
- What do you call a arrogant fugitive falling from a building? Condescending.
- At a pet store: 'buy one dog, get one flea'.
- Tennis players don't marry because Love means Nothing to them.
- What do you call a melon that's not allowed to get married? Can't elope.
- If we don't conserve water we could go from one ex-stream to another.
- The primary responsibility for a child's education is apparent.
- She was the apple of his eye and he liked to sit down be cider.
- I really do have a photographic memory -- I just haven't developed it yet.
- Nylons give women a run for their money.
- Old power plant workers never die they just de-generate.
- I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error. Thanks to KF for that contribution!
WHERE DOES THE WHITE GO WHEN THE SNOW MELTS?
...And always remember that A DAY WITHOUT PUNS IS LIKE A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE, THERE'S GLOOM FOR IMPROVEMENT
Volume 29, March 2008
The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.
It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.
Executing Director: Gary Hallock,
Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert
Email to punpunpun@rogers.com,
And visit us on the web at http://www.punpunpun.com/
The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation
April Pundit
The recent scandal concerning N.Y. governor Elliot Spitzer's assignations with call girls prompted T.V. networks to interview several prostitutes who indicated that they preferred to be described as call girls. They also stated that they could earn as much as $1000 per hour and even more. Many ladies upon hearing this came to believe that they may have missed their true calling in life. Submitted by GERALD RICHMOND
Hello and greetings from David Hughes of the UK!
You are probably already familiar with the following two Dorothy Parker puns;
She was once asked to put the word "Horticulture" into a sentence and she came up with: "You can take a whore to culture but you can't make her think".
At a party she attended for the legal fraternity, a friend pointed out that "That girl over there is pregnant". "Oh", replied the great one, "I suppose she got that sliding down a barrister".
"The bun", said the baker, "is the lowest form of wheat". (John Quest)
THE FOLLOWING ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE...
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed
I thought that I could love no other --
That is until I met your brother .
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the Roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.
I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's on your butt?
|
Here is an opportunity for Humour Advancement
Dr. Joel Goodman
Director, The HUMOR Project, Inc.
480 Broadway, Suite 210, Saratoga Springs, NY 12866
www.HumorProject.com 518-587-8770
Joel@HumorProject.com
Register now for our 52nd international conference on "The Positive
Power of Humor and Creativity" that will take place on June 20-22, 2008
at the Silver Bay Conference Center on majestic Lake George in
upstate New York. Visit www.HumorProject.com/conference for more
info on this learning-filled, laughter-fueled, life-changing event!
To visit the Archives of The HUMOR Project's monthly
Laughing Matters email newsletter, click on or copy and paste into
your browser the following:
http://community.icontact.com/p/laughingmatters
To visit The HUMOR Project Blog, go to http://www.humorproject.com/blog/
This story, sent in by David Hughe of the U.K., involves a judge who was hearing an alimony case. He was known for the strict way he ran proceedings, allowing no humour or other (in his opinion) wasted words. He ruled with a rod of iron and woe betide anyone who incurred his wrath. In the witness box was what we call a Mrs. Mop type of woman, not very well educated or articulate and dressed in hair curlers and a pinafore no less. A rather pompous barrister addressed her, thus. "Tell me Mrs. Smith", he intoned in la-de-dah tones, "What were the financial arrangements towards you regarding your ex husband?" The lady rambled on along the lines of, "Well let me see now... Ah... yes... that's right... he was to make anus payments of £1,0000.00". Of course the court wanted to laugh uproariously at the malapropism (she clearly meant 'Annual') but, knowing the judge's views on such frivolity, simply stuffed their collective handkerchiefs into their mouth, shaking with necessarily silent merriment in the process. However, either intentionally or otherwise, it was the judge himself who then lightened the atmosphere considerably by looking over his spectacles at the witness and declaring, "Mmmm, I've heard of the expression 'paying through the nose' but the arrangement you have described seems extraordinary".
These are actually answers given by children on their science exam:
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!) A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death. (Wonder if the CDC is aware of this disease).
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?! (e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
...And always remember that A DAY WITHOUT PUNS IS LIKE A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE, THERE'S GLOOM FOR IMPROVEMENT
Volume 29, March 2008
The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.
It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.
Executing Director: Gary Hallock,
Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert
Email to punpunpun@rogers.com,
And visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com
(PUN-OFF 2008 is May 17. Our judge panel for this year will be Stan Kegel, Richard Lederer, Cynthia MacGregor and probably Lila Bondy. Watch this space for more on the PUN-OFF 2008)
The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation
May Pundit (Part 1).
The results of the PUN-OFF 2008 (go to http://www.punpunpun.com/ for details of the Pun-Off) will be sent on May 19, 2008 as Part 2.
Pun Your Way to Success
Punning is a truly rewording experience. The inveterate (not invertebrate) punster believes that a good pun is like a good steak -- a rare medium well done.
Before you start beefing about my spare ribbing, remember that many a meaty pun has been cooked up as advice on how to succeed in the business of life and the life of business. "Don't be a carbon copy of someone else. Make your own impression," punned French philosopher Voltaire. "Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there," advised humorist Will Rogers centuries later.
Sharpen your pun cells, and let's get right to wit:
•· The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary.
•· The difference between a champ and a chump is u.
•· Triumph is just umph added to try.
•· Don't assume. It will make an ass out of u and me.
•· Hard work is the yeast that raises the dough.
•· The best vitamin for making friends is B-1.
•· Break a bad habit -- drop it.
•· Patience is counting down without blasting off.
•· Patience requires a lot of wait.
•· Minds are like parachutes: they function only when open.
•· To keep your mind clean and healthy, change it every once in a while.
•· You can have an open mind without having a hole in your head.
"Big shots are only little shots that keep on shooting," observed British writer Christopher Morley. Here are some more punderful maxims that merit a blue ribbin':
•· One thing you can give and still keep is your word.
•· A diamond is a chunk of coal that made good under pressure.
•· When the going gets tough, the tough get going.
•· If the going gets easy, you may be going downhill.
•· If you must cry over spilled milk, please try to condense it.
•· Don't be afraid to go out on a limb, that's where the fruit is.
•· Read the Bible -- it will scare the hell out of you.
•· The Ten Commandments are not multiple choice.
•· Failure is the path of least persistence.
•· Life is not so much a matter of position as disposition.
•· Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.
•· If at first you don't succeed, try, try a grin.
"Many people would sooner die than think -- and usually they do," lamented British philosopher Bertrand Russell, pun in cheek. Some puns can help us to climb the ladder of success without getting rung out:
•· People who never make a mistake never make anything else.
•· When you feel yourself turning green with envy, you're ripe to be plucked.
•· A smile doesn't cost a cent, but it gains a lot of interest.
•· Success is more attitude than aptitude.
•· Having a sharp tongue can cut your own throat.
•· Learn that the bitter can lead to the better.
•· He who throws mud loses ground.
•· Hug your kids at home, but belt them in a car.
•· Fear is the darkroom where negatives are developed.
•· Humans are like steel. When they lose their tempers, they are worthless.
•· Don't learn safety rules by accident. Don't be dead to rites.
•· There are two finishes for automobiles -- lacquer and liquor.
•· Learn from the nail. Its head keeps it from going too far.
•· He who laughs, lasts.
Even though it's a jungle out there, a real zoo, this collection of beastly puns may help you succeed in a workaday world that depends on survival of the fittest:
•· Frogs have it easy. They can eat what bugs them.
•· There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos.
•· Birds have bills too, but they keep on singing.
•· Don't be like a lemming. Avoid following the crowd and jumping to conclusions.
•· Be like a horse with some horse sense-stable thinking and the ability to say nay.
•· Be like a dog biting its tail. Make both ends meet.
•· Be like a giraffe. Stick your neck out and reach higher than all the others.
•· Be like a beaver. Don't get stumped; just cut things down to size.
•· Be like a lion. Live life with pride and grab the lion's share with might and main.
•· Be like an owl. Be wise but still give a hoot.
•· Be like a duck. Keep calm and unruffled on the surface, but paddle like crazy underneath.
•· Be like the woodpecker. Just keep pecking away until you finish the job. You'll succeed by using your head.
A Bilingual Pun Is Twice the Fun
A good pun is its own reword, and bi-lingual puns are twice as rewording as those that stay within the boundaries of a single language. Some of the most pyrotechnic puns have a French twist, into which you can sink your teeth -- bon motlars, perhaps:
•· Why do the French need only one egg to make an omelet? Because in France, one egg is un oeuf.
•· Have you stayed at the new luxury hotel in town? It's a site for soirees.
•· Have you heard about the student in Paris who spent too much time sitting in a hard chair studying? She got sore buns.
•· Have you heard about the milk maid who worked on a really big farm? She had a prominent dairy air.
•· Pas de deux: the father of twins.
•· Jeanne d'Arc: a bathroom with no light.
•· Coup de grace: what a French lawn mower does.
•· Eau de Cologne: I'll pay for the perfume later.
•· Cul de sac: Sort paper bags.
•· Ma Belle Dame sans merci: unfriendly telephone operator
•· S'il vous plait: not Sterling
•· Soupcon: dinner's ready.
•· N'est-ce pas: papa bird
•· A company tried to manufacture prosthetic devices for feline amputees, but found there was no market for the product. You might say that they committed a faux paw.
•· A feline kept yacking away inappropriately. Finally, his fellow felines tied an anchor around his legs and threw him in to a river. The result: Undue twaddle; cat sank.
•· "I hate reading Victor Hugo," said Les miserably.
•· Motto of the three musketeers: "En garde, we thrust."
•· A class of second graders inadvertently came up with a French pun. After an especially hard day, the teacher sighed aloud, "C'est la vie."
With one voice the children called out, "La vie!"
•· A snail oozed into an automobile showroom, pulled out $50,000 in crisp bills and ordered a fancy red convertible. "One favor," the snail requested. "Please paint a big S on each of the doors."
"Sure," sais the salesman, "but why would you want that?"
The snail replied: "So that when my friends see me driving down the street, they can all shout, 'Look at the S car go!'"
Great biligual tropes brighten languages other than French. The all-time prize for transmitting the fullest message with the greatest compactness must go to Sir Charles James Napier. In 1843, Napier quelled an uprising in the Indian province of Sind and announced his triumph via telegram to his commanders in London. All he wrote was the one word Peccavi.
The Foreign Office broke into cheers. In an age when all gentlemen studied Latin, Napier never doubted that his superiors would remember the first-person past perfect tense of peccare -- and would properly translate his message as "I have sinned."
Here are some polyglot plays on words that should be understandable, even without much knowledge of a second language:
•· At an Italian restaurant I don't know whether I'm antipasto or provolone.
•· Have you heard about the liberated Irish woman? Her name was Erin Go Braless.
•· When a pig roast takes place in England, several boars are needed to feed the hungry, but in Russia, one Boris Gudonov.
•· Have you heard about the Chinese restaurant that stays open twenty-four hours a day? It's called Wok Around the Clock.
•· Have you visited the Jewish section of India's capital city? It's called Kosher Delhi.
•· Does that last pun get a standing oy vaytion?
•· No question about it. Adolf Hitler created a terrible fuhrer.
•· What do you call a secondhand clothing store in India? Whose Sari Now?
•· When Brutus told Julius Caesar that he had eaten a whole squab, Caesar replied, "Et tu, Bruté."
•· A classics teacher in Maine owns a boat that he's christened Navego, which is Latin for "I sail" and pronounced "Now we go."
•· The space station Mir has had so many collisions because objects in Mir are closer than they appear.
•· Mexican weather report: Chili today, hot tamale.
•· A Mexican visiting the United States went into a store to buy a pair of socks. He spoke no English, and the clerk didn't know a word of Spanish. Through pantomime, the Mexican tried to explain what he needed, without much success. The clerk brought out shoes, then tried sneakers, then slippers, then laces -- all to no avail. Finally, he came out of the stockroom with a pair of socks, and the Mexican exclaimed, "Eso sí que es!"
Said the exasperated clerk, "Well, for crying out loud. If you could spell it, why didn't you say so in the first place?"
•· There are many stories related to the sinking of the Titanic. Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. For example, most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
•· On a Monday morning, the mayor of New York gathered reporters and announced the rejuvenation of the ailing New York City transit system. The New York Daily News reporter covering the story realized that the situation was too good to be true. His headline read: SICK TRANSIT'S GLORIOUS MONDAY.
•· Chico Marx once took umbrage upon hearing someone exultantly exclaim, "Eureka!" Chagrined, Chico shot back, "You doan smella so good yourself!"
CHAMPIONSHIP HAPPENS!
The O. Henry Pun-Off World Championships May 17, 2008
at the O. Henry Museum on Brush Square, AUSTIN, TX -
Celebrate the lowest form of humor in high style at the 31st Annual O.
Henry Pun-Off World Championships on Saturday, May 17, 2008. This
irreverent assault on our anguished language annually lures both
veteran verbivores and naïve neophytes on a passionate pilgrimage to
meet their Mecca in Austin. Free Parking is available on the street
within a reasonable walking distance. Food and drink will be
available. Spaces are open for 32 competitive punslingers in two
different categories of competition.
Many will be left out standing in their fields as they attempt to
harvest this year's bumper crop of corn. Up for grabs will be the
title of "Punniest of Show." This freestyle competition for punsters
with prepared material allows 90 seconds for creative have-wits from
every crook and nanny to stuff their struts.
Later bushel come to shove as another corny crop of 32 contestants
face off in the "Punslingers" competition where aspiring "have-wits"
are paired up and pared down by battling in wordplay on a given topic.
Lest the puns linger too long, time limits are imposed. Although the
crowd groans louder and larger each year, contest registration and
admission are still free. Inspiring wordplayers are strongly urged to
apply themselves early at the wwwebsite <punpunpun.com>
Live music will be furnished by MoPac and the Blue Suburbans at 11am.
The actual competitions begin at noon and should draw to a twisted end
near 5pm. All revenue from refreshment and souvenir sales helps
support educational projects and programs at the O. Henry Museum.
Word butchers and prospective pundits who wish to jest for a wordy
cause or just want more information are invited to call the O. Henry
Museum at (512) 472-1903 or Pun-Off extra-corninaire Gary Hallock at
(512) 973-9929. gary@hallock.net Visit these websites: http://www.ohenrymuseum.org/
and http://www.punpunpun.com/
...And always remember that A DAY WITHOUT PUNS IS LIKE A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE, THERE'S GLOOM FOR IMPROVEMENT
Volume 29, May 2008
The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.
It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.
Executing Director: Gary Hallock,
Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert
Email to punpunpun@rogers.com,
And visit us on the web at http://www.punpunpun.com/
The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation
June 2008
Recently on Earth's nearest planet, part of a journal by Malaprop Man was unmarsed.
It reads:
I was heading for Sprain to do some bird watching in the foul weather near And A-Loose and spotted a wild flamenco. The reign in Sprain fell mainly on my plane. I Basqued in the funshine of the local full-bite and drank to my dear Madeira. We then saled to Trance to seek transpire--we must have had bats in our bell freeze. We had wooden steaks for dinner along with silver pullets. I then visited many lands: Inkland, Sweeten, Eyesland, Halland, Lickdemstein, Sisalee, New Sealand, Souse America and then returned to Scam Transisco and the Boy Area. Have an ice day. Robert Ferguson.
The Name is the Game
From and dedicated to Richard Lederer
Has Elvis Presley achieved such immortality because Elvis lives is an anagram of itself?
The first name of the man who tried to put the world between Iraq and a hard place, the man who's so damn insane, reposes in the following palindromic statement, one that can be read the same forwards and backwards: DRAT SADDAM, A MAD DASTARD!
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.
If Rosemary De Camp married William Kunsler, she'd be Rosemary De Camp Kunsler.
H. Rider was Haggard, but Thomas was Hardy. Oscar was Wilde, but Thornton was Wilder. Dame May was Whitty, but John Greenleaf was Whittier.
William Shakespeare must have written the works of William Shakespeare because who else possesses a name whose letters can be juggled (anagrammed) into four right-on statements
I SWEAR HE'S LIKE A LAMP.
WE ALL MAKE HIS PRAISE.
HAS WILL A PEER, I ASK ME?
AH, I SPEAK A SWELL RIME.
Take it from RIDDLER REACHER - an anagram for Richard Lederer. It's fun to play around with people's names. The incorrigible punster (please don't incorrige him!) can't help but notice that some people have first or last names that sound like lowercase words, such as Ulysses Grant, Oliver Sachs, and Iris Murdoch.
Special fun lurks in those people who possess both first and last names that sound like lowercase words.
One might call Johnny Cash "coins collected from a pay toilet,"
Brittany Spears "weapons used in first English invasion of northern France,"
Norman Mailer "a French postman,"
Wolf Blitzer "a lupine linebacker,"
Eartha Kitt "gardening tools," and
Doug Flutie "a buried flautist."
Now let's focus on movie stars whose names are also doubly blessed. From the punny clues below, give the name of each movie star.
Example: "scarlet clothing fasteners" is Red Buttons.
Hint: The answers, which repose in "Answers to Games and Quizzes", are in alphabetical order, by last name.
1. Christmas fruit
2. Boyfriend spans
3. Toilet confection
4. Transport the workout space
5. Car pursuit
6. Valley nearby
7. Christmas scaredy cat
8. Steal the blackbird
9. Male cat on a ship trip
10. Male goat quartz
11. Toilet crane
12. Tiny car operator
13. Egyptian ruler's spigot 1
14. Toilet meadows
15. Transport the scholarship
16. Chromosome slicer
17. Talkative fog
18. Cabin in the sky
19. What fishermen live on
20. Stony automobile
21. Pop-top collector
22. Jewel bargeman
23. Steal from the bottom
24. Thoughtful conqueror
25. She wagers modestly
26. Unpedigreed male alley cat
27. Toilet agony
28. Nail fruit seed
29. Stream protectors
30. Crimson bones
31. Tear ripped
32. Solder after Monday
33. Crazier chromosome
34. Coldest season at the beach
35. Tastefully attired forest
Answers
1. Halle Berry
2. Beau Bridges
3. John Candy
4. Jim Carey
5. Chevy Chase
6. Glenn Close
7. Noel Coward
8. Russell Crowe
9. Tom Cruise
10. Billy Crystal
11. John Derek
12. Minnie Driver
13. Farrah Fawcett
14. W. C. Fields
15. Cary Grant
16. Gene Hackman
17. Gabby Hayes
18. Celeste Holm
19. Bob Hope
20. Rock Hudson
21. Tab Hunter
22. Ruby Keeler
23. Rob Lowe
24. Victor Mature
25. Bette Midler
26. Tom Mix
27. John Payne
28. Brad Pitt
29. Brooke Shields
30. Red Skelton
31. Rip Torn
32. Tuesday Weld
33. Gene Wilder
34. Shelly Winters
35. Natalie Wood
...And always remember that A DAY WITHOUT PUNS IS LIKE A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE, THERE'S GLOOM FOR IMPROVEMENT
Volume 29 June 2008
The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.
It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.
Executing Director: Gary Hallock,
Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert
Email to punpunpun@rogers.com,
And visit us on the web at http://www.punpunpun.com/
The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation
JULY
Summer Reading List
Animal Illnesses............. Ann Thrax
French Overpopulation ....... Francis Crowded
Fallen Underwear ............ Lucy Lastic
Downpour! ................... Wayne Dwops
Cloning ..................... Ima Dubble
Irish Flooring .............. Lynn O'Leum
I Lived in Detroit .......... Helen Earth
Inflammation, Please ........ Arthur It is
Handel's Messiah ............ Ollie Luyah
House Construction .......... Bill Jerome
Home Unemployed ............. Anita Job
Holmes Does it Again......... Scott Linyard
Home Alone IV ............... Eddie Buddyhome
Lewis Carroll ............... Alison Wonderland
Leo Tolstoy ................. Warren Peace
Neither a Borrower .......... Nora Lender Bee
The French Chef ............. Sue Flay
Tight Situation ............. Leah Tard
The Scent of a Man .......... Jim Nasium
Why Cars Stop ............... M. T. Tank
Wind in the Willows ......... Russell Ingleaves
Look Younger .................Fay Slift
Mountain Climbing ........... Andover Hand
A friend was complaining to me that when he used his cell phone outside his service area, he would be assessed a large roaming charge. He knew he would be charged, but he was upset that he had to wait until his bill came weeks later to see how large the charge would be.
I told him that he should not be surprised. After all, roam wasn't billed in a day.
( A throwin from Chuck Adamek)
MOON RIVER
Ann Chiles says, "All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time to consider how their online name might appear!
These are not made up. Check them out yourself!"
1. 'Who Represents' is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is:
www.whorepresents.com
2. 'Experts Exchange' is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at:
www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than ' Pen Island '. It can be found at: www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try 'Therapist Finder' at: www.therapistfind er.com
5. Then there's the 'Italian Power Generator' company. Check it out at:
http://www.powergenitalia.com/
6.'IP computer' software, there's always: http://www.ip_anywhere.com/
7. 'The First Cumming Methodist Church' Web site is:http://www.cummingfirst.com/
8. And the designers at 'Speed of Art'
await you at their wacky Web site:
http://www.speedofart.com/
Children write about the sea:
1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
5) A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (Will age 7)
8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)
Signs That Things Are Weird:
** In a clothing store: "Wonderful; bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
** On an Indiana mall marquee: "Archery tournament: Ears Pierced."
** Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
** On an Ohio highway: "Drive slower when wet."
** In downtown Boston: "Calahan Tunnel/ No End."
** In a Massachusetts parking area reserved for birdwatchers: "Parking for birds only."
** In front of a New Hampshire restaurant: "Now serving live lobsters."
** In the window of an Oregon general store: "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"
Juanita Browne hit her funny bone with these:
Two women archeologists are down in Mexico excavating an ancient Mayan burial ground looking for some remains to take back to their museum. Unfortunately, everything they run across is badly decomposed.
Says one: "We don't seem to be having much luck."
The other replies: "Keep on digging, honey. A good Mayan is hard to find!"
* * * * * * * * * *
The inherent downside in a life of pursuing women is the possibility of inadvertently catching one.
* * * * * * * * * *
The struggling young pediatrician put the following sign up beside his office door: "Small fevers gratefully received."
* * * * * * * * * *
Farmer Ted had a problem arise when, upon preparing his prize bull for market, the barn door slammed shut cutting the tail off the bull. His prize bull was to be sold that very day, yet now Farmer Fred couldn't wholesale him or retail him.
* * * * * * * * * *
Recently a friend and I went out to eat late one Sunday morning. I was torn between ordering from the restaurant's breakfast and lunch menus, and finally asked the server to bring me both a chicken sandwich and an order of scrambled eggs. When she left, I wondered aloud about whether I'd just committed a faux pas.
"I don't think so," said my friend. "But I AM wondering which one will come first."
* * * * * * * * * *
Just as I suspected: After drinking all that bottled water, my tests came back positive for the Evian flu.
* * * * * * * * * *
While reaching modern students is tougher now than ever, I suppose I might have crossed some vague ethical boundary by renaming my "Calculus in Geometry" course "Learning to Make Crystal Math."
* * * * * * * * * *
A dog owner in Dallas had a pit bull that hated to walk. He kept sitting down and bracing his feet so that his owner would have to drag him by his leash.
The owner finally gave up when he realized that he was just creating for himself a bottomless pit!
* * * * * * * * * *
The old farmer and his wife were enjoying their first day in town in months, looking in every store window, reading every sign. But when they got to the hardware store, the old farmer just shook his head at the sign in the window: "CAST IRON SINKS."
"Martha," he said to his wife, "people in town must be getting stupid. Who doesn't know that cast iron sinks?"
The International Astronomical Union has decided on the term "plutoid" as a name for dwarf planets like Pluto.
The above is the first sentence of a web story on the ongoing dispute as to whether Pluto is really a planet.
Idea: Since there has been some disagreement in our ranks as to how to define a true pun, why don't we come up with "punoid" to describe something which is a play on words, but doesn't meet the purists' definition of a true pun? Charles
I like the term, "punoid." I've tried to categorize the "puns" most frequently used in pun-off competition and nothing fits. They are not puns since there is no alternae meaning. They are not mondegreens as these are misunderstood words when heard verbally and not malapropisms as they are not unintentional use of the wrong word. These are definitely intensional. -oid is a common suffix meaning "like" as Typhoid Fever is like Typhus Fever, and a carcinoid may look like a carcinoma but is not malignant. The use of the term would clarify what we mean when a term is called"not a pun" in Punslingers. It would mean that it is used in the traditional use of the word and is neither a pun or a punoid. Stan
...And always remember that A DAY WITHOUT PUNS IS LIKE A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE, THERE'S GLOOM FOR IMPROVEMENT
Volume 29, July 2008
The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.
It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.
Executing Director: Gary Hallock,
Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert
Email to punpunpun@rogers.com,
And visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com
The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation
AUGUST 2008
At least 15 dogs have become presidents of the United States -- Zachary Tailer, James Pukecanan, Ulysses Pant, Rufferford Hayes, James Arfield, Chester Arfer, Rover Cleveland, William McKinleash, Calvin Droolidge, Harry True to Man, Bite Eisenhowler, John F. Kenneldy, Richard Nips�em, and George H.W. and George W. Bushy-tail. Who will be our next president -- Bark Obama, or John McCainine?
Pups by Richard Lederer.
Transmitted to Doc Charlie from Sir Abellum
1. Can making love in the back seat cause Car-Sin-Oma?
2. If all the nerves to the gluteal muscles were cut, will this cause
ass-ending paralysis?
3. When praying in church is painful, is this sacrumligious?
4. I cant remember who Dr. Alzheimer was or what he is
remembered for!
5. I know what D-mentia is, but what are A-mentia, B-mentia
and C-mentia?
From Doc Charlie strugling for words and back words
Al PHABETICAL PUNS: (let her B, or is that A to W {sorta})
A
A bee farm was started by a man who wanted to keep buzzy.
A Redneck farmer first used a duck as an alarm clock - it woke him up at the quack of dawn.
A Filipino man was hired by the circus as a contortionist - he was the first Manila folder.
A slab of stone was discovered with a multiplication problem carved on it - it was the first concrete example.
A special pail was invented for electric milking machines because one good urn deserves an udder.
A woman invented a glass diaphragm because she wanted a womb with a view.
An artist invented the traverse rod because he wanted to draw drapes.
At the first Arabian Embassy ball, everyone danced sheik-to-sheik.
At the first convention of mathematicians, everyone sat around multiplication tables.
At the first flea circus, a dog came by and stole the show.
At the first Kentucky Derby, the announcer told everyone that "Poison Ivy" was scratched.
A&W opened the first drive-in restaurant for people who wanted to curb their appetites.
B
Barbed wire was first used for de fence.
Before John Campbell invented lubricating oil, he was just squeaking by.
Before thimbles were invented, a lot of people got stuck without one.
C
Candles were first used on a birthday cake for people who wanted to make light of their age.
Cavewoman's first words to her husband: "Don't just stand there - slay something!"
Clothes hampers first became popular with people who wanted to throw in the towel.
Comment from the first photofinisher: "Someday my prints will come."
D
Dental floss was invented in 1938 - that's the tooth!
During the first labour dispute, a non-union laundry worker said, "Let's iron while the strike is hot."
E
Eve asked Adam to start the first garden - the first thing he dug up was an excuse.
Eve was the first person to eat herself out of house and home.
F
First poultry reprimand: a woman had to scold her chickens because they were using fowl language.
G
General Custer was the first man to wear an arrow shirt.
Graduates of the first dog-training school were awarded a barkalaureate degree.
Gum was first sold on a chew-chew train.
I
In 1621 a Plymouth band began playing because they wanted to see Plymouth Rock.
In 1634 the first twins were born in America on a two's day.
In 1640 the first calendar was produced - everyone knew its days were numbered.
In 1803 the first chimney sweep was hired and everyone said, "Soot yourself!"
In 1806 liquor was first made in the U.S. - it soon went into mash production.
In 1841 the first suspenders were made, but the company was held up.
In 1865 Canada sold the U.S. a herd of 40,000 bison. Then America received a buffalo bill.
In 1868 the first dressmaker's shop opened - it seemed to do very well.
In 1869 walnuts were first introduced to America - some thought they weren't all they were cracked up to be.
In 1883 the first bakery opened on the yeast coast.
In 1888 chains were made for pocket watches - for people who couldn't afford to lost time.
In 1889 the first lighter-than-air craft departed on its maiden voyage - everyone thought it was a lot of balloony.
In 1892 a shipment of fruit was delivered by boat - it was the first water-mailin'.
In 1898 the first submarine sandwich was introduced, but the company went under.
In 1905 the formula for rouge was reddy.
In 1909 rodent traps were invented with hope that a lot of people would gopher them.
In 1909 the first magician appeared on stage - he was so bad, he made the audience disappear.
In 1911 the first radical engine was marketed - the inventor said, "Diesel be very good."
In 1911 the first pill to cure headaches was introduced, but people found it hard to swallow.
In 1912 the first ceramic coffee mug was invented by a couple of guys - everyone said they made a nice cupple.
In 1913 valentine-shaped candy boxes were made for sweet hearts.
In 1914 the Panama Canal locks opened, but they forgot the cream cheese.
In 1915 pancake makeup was invented, but most people still preferred syrup.
In 1920 the branding iron was invented - the cattle were really impressed.
In 1924 Thomas Jack, an Englishman, invented the automated packaging machine - he was known as Jack the Wrapper.
In 1925 card playing reached the pinochle of success.
In 1931 the first shipment of hot dogs to the U.S. arrived from France - to pay off a foreign debt of 3 million francs.
In 1932 a banana-skin briefcase was made - for lawyers who wanted to appeal their cases.
In 1933 card playing was first banned aboard naval vessels - ships lost their decks.
In 1935 the first greyhound raced behind a restaurant - the biggest bet was made by a man with a hot dog.
In 1945 the first all-white Dalmation dog was spotted.
In 1948 the first dentist was hired by the National League to put on baseball caps.
In 1949 the first tightrope walker was hired by a circus - he was high-strung.
In 1951 vegetable farmers from all over the world held a meeting - it was the first peas conference.
In 1958 two men invented the radial tire - everyone said they made a nice spare.
In 1961 the skateboard was invented - it was a wheely good idea.
In 1968 pantsuits for women became fashionable, but ladies tried to skirt the issue.
In the first sheep farm in America, sheep stood wool-to-wool.
Irving Berlin's song about Easter bonnets became number one on the hat parade.
K
Knitted sox were first used for hand warmers, but they went down to defeat.
M
Metal dog leashes were first sold only in chain stores.
Mustard was first invented in a Miami apartment. It was the first condimentium.
N
New book on cloning: "Duet Yourself."
New magazine for beginning gardeners: "Trowel and Error."
O
Outcome of the first clothing manufacturer strike: filing of a doubled-breasted suit against the government.
P
People who bought the first books on lawn care became good weeders.
R
Result of the first silkworm race: they ended up in a tie.
Retreads were first made for people who wanted to retire.
S
Sandals were invented by a man who thought the show must go on.
Sandpaper was patented in 1834 - the inventor really had it rough.
Since the straight pin was invented, many people have gotten stuck up.
Soda pop was first bottled in Pensa Cola.
Someone set the first automobile commercial to music and created the first car tune.
T
The dentist's first gold tooth is called a flash in the pan.
The dye-makers' convention held their first meeting in a tint.
The electric shaver was invented by a man who worked on it since he was a little shaver.
The first 40,000-story building opened in Brookline, Massachusetts - it was a library.
The first accountant to be hired by a circus was caught juggling the books.
The first airplane hangar was built for drip-dry planes.
The first airplane pilot's license was made of fly paper.
The first alarm clock caused everyone to tock about it.
The first all-night bakery was run by a real dough nut.
The first archery contestant won by an arrow margin.
The first army dental unit had a good drill team.
The first art contest winners were chosen by a drawing.
The first artificial fish was the plastic sturgeon.
The first attorney wore a civil suit.
The first Australian beer was made out of kangaroo hops.
The first baby cookie was crying because his mother had been a wafer so long.
The first bad seafood salad was shrimp-ly awful.
The first bank without tellers was opened for people who believed that money talks.
The first barber shop was hair-conditioned.
The first bed bugs were brought to the Wild West by Buffalo Bill Cootie.
The first bird to fall into a can of varnish drowned, but it had a beautiful finish.
The first boat show had a yacht to offer.
The first book on wines was titled "Booze Who."
The first building for optometrists became a site for sore eyes.
The first caddy used in golf was a tee totaller.
The first carpenter's banquet served pound cake.
The first chair was made especially for royalty, but it was throne out.
The first Chinese lumberjack cut down trees with chop sticks.
The first Chinese mail delivery was made by boat - it delivered only junk mail.
The first clockmaker made a clock to make him rise and chime.
The first college marriage course was offered to give people a good wed-ucation.
The first conductor of the Boston Pops orchestra hired an assistant - the first band-aide.
The first cooking oil was bottled on Fry Day.
The first corn auction gave us auction-ears.
The first course for department-store Santa Clauses taught St. Nick knacks.
The first dancing school had waltz-to-waltz carpeting.
The first dentist had a tooth that drove him to extraction.
The first dentist to open an office in the Wild West was called a gum-slinger.
The first dentists' banquet was held in 1927 - it was a $100 plate dinner: $50 for the upper and $50 for the lower.
The first diet was for people who were thick and tired of it all.
The first dock was built by a man who was liked by his pier group.
The first dog kennels were rented on a twenty-year leash.
The first dog obedience school had a large barking lot.
The first economics professor rode to class each day in a business cycle.
The first electrician studied current events.
The first exterminating company opened on a fly day.
The first firefly to fly into a fan was absolutely delighted.
The first flea market started from scratch.
The first formal affair for dentists was held at a gum ball.
The first frog-jumping contest was everybody hoppy.
The first garden tool repair shop allowed the inventor to make mower money.
The first golf assistant was called a "Tee Caddy."
The first haunted house was opened to the public - it had 20 scream doors.
The first hill-climbing contest was held for slope pokes.
The first horse motel was opened to provide animals with a stable environment.
The first Hungarian religious leader was found to be a Buddha pest.
The first illuminated golf course was opened for people who liked swinging nightclubs.
The first inspection of lobster catches was made by a claw-enforcement agency.
The first janitor's union called for sweeping reforms.
The first king was crowned in a reign coat.
The first kitten that fell into a Xerox machine became a copycat.
The first laundryman was neurotic - he kept losing his buttons.
The first leather belt cost 90 cents - less than a buckle.
The first library was opened in Booklyn.
The first lubricant for wheels was caster oil.
The first macaroni factory in Chicago had to pasta inspection.
The first mail delivery by steamboat was authorized - it carried coast cards.
The first mail was delivered by dog sled - it arrived airedale spaniel delivery.
The first man to jump off the Eiffel Tower and land in the river was declared in Seine.
The first manufacturers of percussion instruments had to drum up business.
The first manufacturers of sugar had to take their lumps.
The first marble sculpture involved chip work.
The first marriage performed aboard a plane was a double-wing ceremony.
The first maternity ward was opened for people interested in the stork market.
The first merger of two fruit companies resulted in a perfect pear.
The first munitions manufacturer conference was a real blast.
The first music score was Beethoven: 7, Bach: 3.
The first musicians' convention was held in Boston - it was well-staffed.
The first mythology exhibit was featured in a circus - it got centaur ring.
The first nudist convention received little coverage.
The first oboe music was printed for people who couldn't reed.
The first official count of the U.S. population was made in 1790 - it made a lot of census.
The first optometry school put all its students in glass rooms.
The first orchestra was formed in Massachusetts, but it was band in Boston.
The first order of Chinese food to the White House weighed won ton.
The first pencil was thought to be pointless.
The first penny restaurant made lots of cents.
The first person in the monogram business achieved initial success.
The first person to have hard luck while gambling had to abandon chip.
The first person to stop playing in the handbell marathon won the No-Bell Piece Prize.
The first pig taken in a pawnshop was called a ham hock.
The first pocket-sized tape recorder was manufactured for people who liked small talk.
The first popcorn machine was invented by a Kentucky kernel.
The first postmaster got his job by stamping his feet.
The first price raise of sugar resulted in grocers raising cane.
The first prisoner's play resulted in a cell-out.
The first railroad ran trains to Washington, D.C., so politicians could get on the right track.
The first recipe for beer was written as a brew-print.
The first restaurant to serve women only featured "Miss Steaks."
The first rubber man to join the circus got bounced.
The first saddle was made without foot pieces, but people thought it might stirrup trouble.
The first sardine factory ended up canning all its employees.
The first savings bank opened for guys and dollars.
The first school was a classy place.
The first séance was conducted and publicized by a spooksman.
The first shipment of pigs to Chicago were kept in a porking lot.
The first shoemaker who opened his shop had a lot of sole.
The first short dresses were called ‘dogs' because you could peek-on-knees.
The first soft drink in Australia: Coca-Koala.
The first soldier to hide inside a cannon to avoid guard duty was finally discharged.
The first straw hats had their hay day.
The first sunbather was a fry in the ointment.
The first switchboard operator didn't like her job but she kept plugging away at it.
The first tailor shop to offer credit gave everything on the cuff.
The first tavern to open in Alaska was a polar bar.
The first telephone conversation was only eighteen feet apart - it was a close call.
The first thermometer was manufactured by a man with many degrees.
The first tree-climbing contest was held for those who wanted to limber up.
The first turkey farm had a gobblestone driveway.
The first use of shellac wasn't successful, and it soon varnished from sight.
The first Venetian blinds were made by shady characters.
The first whitener for clothes was used in Miami Bleach.
The first wig for men brought about people who didn't want toupee bald.
The first wigs imported from the Orient came by hair mail.
The first woman sworn into the navy became a permanent Wave.
The first wrought-iron gate was made by a worker who called it very fency.
The guy who invented the circular saw wanted to take a shortcut.
The invention of cardboard belts led to the first waist paper.
The invention of the coffee percolator gave us grounds for celebration.
The inventor of lighter fluid became flamous.
The inventor of rubber gloves thought they came in very handy.
The inventor of the auto muffler said it was exhausting work.
The inventor of the lighthouse celebrated the occasion with beacon and eggs.
The inventor of the recliner got a chair of the profits.
The inventor of the relief map got a raise.
The inventor of the rocket went out to launch.
The inventor of the safety pin in 1849 wasn't too successful at first, but he stuck to his work.
The inventor of tweezers thought that they would do in a pinch.
The largest candle in the world burned for a wick.
The lumberjack union was formed by a splinter group.
The man who got the first music patent got it for a song.
The man who invented rope built a huge hempire.
The man who invented the boomerang tried for a comeback.
The man who invented the football got a kick out of it.
The man who invented velvet made a nice pile.
The waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles.
W
Waldo Graham holds the patent for artificial teeth - they were known as Graham clackers.
When adding machines were first used, they were so successful that they began to multiply.
When Boston began a cleanup campaign in 1946, it was the first grime wave.
When bread was first made commercially, everyone fell in loaf with it.
When chicken broth was first canned, everyone thought it was souper.
When cows were first shipped by raft, they travelled on cattle-logs.
When dynamite was first made, it did a booming business.
When electricity was first installed in an English castle, it marked the beginning of the first knight-light.
When hair dye was first packaged for home use, it really got to the root of the problem.
When hair rollers were invented, boys couldn't use them - they were only for curls.
When laundry owners held their first convention, they sat on bleachers.
When margarine was invented, people said it was butter than nothing.
When metal bus tokens were first made, they were only worth tin cents.
When metal license plates were first distributed, many people tagged along.
When nylon stockings were first sold in the 1930's, there was a run on them.
When peanuts were firsts packaged, the inventor hoped that they would shell fast.
When playing cards were invented, you could buy four suits for under a dollar for the first time.
When Scrabble was invented, many people sat down for a spell.
When small cushions were invented for sewing, people bought them for a pinny.
When soda was first bottled, the inventor's son said, "That's my pop!"
When surgical stitches were first used, the inventor said, "Suture self."
When tanning oil was first bottled, it could only be used on sun-days.
When the first astronaut got married, the couple was known as "Mister and Missile."
When the first automatic packaging machine was invented, the inventor made a bundle.
When the first ax was developed, many people put it on their chopping list.
When the first barber shop school opened, everyone graduated at the head of his class.
When the first barber supply company burned, it was just a brush fire.
When the first bicycle repair shop opened, the owner became the industry's spokes-man.
When the first book was written on watchmaking, everyone thought it was about time.
When the first broom was invented, the inventor was so tired, he went to sweep.
When the first canine scale was made, it weighed only in dog pounds.
When the first chess tournament was held, the winner received a check.
When the first circuit breaker was introduced, people re-fused to use it.
When the first cookie factory burned down, everyone had free fire crackers.
When the first credit card was issued, people got a charge out of it.
When the first crossword puzzle was printed, the creator received $5,000 down and $2,000 across.
When the first diet club was formed, it was a losing proposition.
When the first diving school was opened, graduates got a deep-loma.
When the first escalator was used, everyone said it was a step in the right direction.
When the first giraffe was exhibited in a zoo, everyone paid a neckle to see it.
When the first hamburger press was made, its inventor got a patty on his back.
When the first ice cream cone was shown at a press conference, newsmen got a big scoop.
When the first indoor jogging machine was made, people bought it to get a run for their money.
When the first indoor tennis court was built, the builder made a net profit.
When the first infant stroller was made, some babies got a little buggy.
When the first interlocking jigsaw puzzle was invented, it caused a national craze as the whole country went to pieces.
When the first mailbox was invented, everyone knew it would happen sooner or letter.
When the first marble building was erected, everyone took it for granted.
When the first medical school opened in 1900, it was stitched closed.
When the first miniskirts became popular, worried husbands said the thigh was the limit.
When the first national cooking champion was crowned, she appeared on TV on a program called "The Spice Is Right."
When the first pain killer was marketed, it saved a lot of moaney.
When the first rodeo was held, the cowboys got a few bucks out of it.
When the first self-winding clock was made, everyone was tickled.
When the first textile school opened, the students became very materialistic.
When the first flower show was held, the first prize was a bloom ribbon.
When the inventor of the first elastic girdle was asked if it worked, he replied, "Of corset does!"
When the inventor sold his patent for malted milk, he felt he got a fair shake.
When the tailor's wife saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
When thread was first made, everyone said, "Darn it!"
When ties were first worn, they were very collar full.
When water pistols were first sold, stores had squirtains on their windows.
When Willy Wonka made the first chocolate bar, he said, "Isn't that sweet?"
When windows were first installed in the Empire State Building, they were a pane in the glass.
When wooden money was first issued, it was a sliver dollar.
When wooden shoes were first introduced, people lumbered around in them.
When wrought iron was first used for decoration, people were very grate-full.
Whoever built the first marble building had difficulty - it kept rolling away.
William Canby invented the first computing scales - just proves that when there's a Will there's a weigh.
World's first funny animal: a stand-up chameleon
...And always remember that A DAY WITHOUT PUNS IS LIKE A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE, THERE'S GLOOM FOR IMPROVEMENT
Volume 29, August 2008
The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.
It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.
Executing Director: Gary Hallock,
Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert
Email to punpunpun@rogers.com,
And visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com
The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation
September 2008
Nothing Works for Me (from Richard Lederer)
Labor Day was first celebrated in New York City in 1882, when the Central Labor Union held its first parade to show the esprit de corps of its trade and labor organizations. The celebration went national in 1885 after a vote by the body that became the American Federation of Labor. Now observed in every American state, Labor Day is also associated with the unofficial end of the summer season. In honor of Labor Day, I share with you my workplace history:
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I couldn't concentrate and got canned.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job, de-pleting and de-pressing.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I became a hairdresser, but the job was just too cut and dried.
I sold Origami, but the business folded.
Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
I enjoyed being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. I just didn't know my brass from my oboe.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a Velcro salesman, but couldn't stick with it.
I was a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I became a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough.
I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I tried being a fireman, but I suffered burnout.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
So then I got a job in a gym, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
I tried selling cigarette lighters, but I lost my spark.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but found the work shocking and revolting, so they discharged me.
I got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
I became a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn't in it
I became a tennis pro, but it wasn't my racket. I was too high strung.
I tried being a teacher, but I soon loss my principal, my faculties and my class.
I tried being a farmer, but I wasn't outstanding in my field.
Then I was a pilot, but I didn't have the right altitude.
I was also a Viagara salesman, but I couldn't keep it up.
I worked at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
I last worked as a statistician, but I got broken down by age, sex, and marital status.
So I retired and I found I'm a perfect fit for this job!
A phew randumb thoughts from my opun mined; (a long time member Doc Charlie)
1. Necrophilia is not my ghoul in life!
2. Since my traumatic birth by forceps delivery, I have been suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder.
3. Al Gore's brother Egore and I are both worried about the climate
warming that could occur in the hereafter.
4. I find fat women obeastly.
Having dealt with a few (well, ok....a lot of) extra pounds all my adult life, I have tried to rethink the activities which may have led me to grow up and out as I matured.
I think it may have been my misunderstanding of certain diet advice:
Cook "Lite" - I thought that meant wearing as little as possible while in the kitchen (it does get hot in there). And, yes, be careful not to burn the buns!
Count Calories - I have yet to see any calories to count. I am not even sure what they look like. You have heard of hidden calories, right? It is easier to count the dust particles on my TV screen.
Walk for Exercise - Hey, I walk wherever I go. I do not jog, run, or skip...I WALK.
Stay Active - Duh...Just this week I re-activated my membership to the Dessert of the Month Club.
Avoid Overeating on Holidays - Funny thing, when I go on holiday, so does my ability to ward off temptation. When I look for Willpower, I find a sign saying, "Gone on Vacation." Unlike Willpower, I at least worked for my time off!
Practice Portion Control - I've been practicing....just not perfect yet.
Eat a Balanced Diet - so far I think I've done well on that point. My weight seems to be evenly dispersed and I am not in danger of careening to one side or the other.
Drink in Moderation - WHERE is Moderation? I would go there....
Find a Hobby that doesn't involve Food - I joined a theatre group. They put me in charge of the Dinner Theatre! Then there were those biscuits for the 7 Brides for 7 Brothers.... So much for a foodless hobby!
Eat a Variety of Food - No problem! Have you seen the variety of chips lately? I mean, we are talking everything from pickle, cracked pepper, nacho, vinegar, jalapeno, and more! And Jelly Beans....enough variety to have a different one every day for three months!
Dieting is heavy work....but it can be done...instead of eating a bun...I go read a pun. It makes life (and me) a lot lighter! Kay
There are some clever puns in the crossword puzzle in this week's "New York Observer." Here are the clues and answers to that puzzle, the title of which is "Minor Modifi-K-tions.
Locker room humor: jockularity
Really tired of crime lab shows: forensick
Go to magicians' school: matrickulate
Guy who likes to gab while shooting pool: rackonteur
What Nixon's secretary took: Dicktation
Like fields of ripe tomatoes: pickturesque
How birds think: deducktively
"On the Waterfront," for example: dockudrama
Cross between a peach and a gourd: necktarine
Use a wooden pointer: gestickulate
Thinker famous for slugging people who didn't agree with him: Sockrates
Sleepy town: Sackramento (thank you Jim Ertner)
I thought I'd send some puns I had thought up. I don't know what category they fall into, and if they're up to par. (Maybe they're just too green.)
RESTAURANT NAMES:
Planet of the Crepes
Date Crepe
Pho' Sho' (Vietnamese)
Wanton for Wantons
Scramblin' for Scrambles
Noodlin' for Noodles
Wafflin' for Waffles
Buffalo for Buffalo
Fondumental (Swiss restuarant)
Noodles and Poodles (Chinese restaurant...the only racial one I've got)
Filosophy (Greek Bakery)
TRAVEL BOOK NAMES:
Your way to Norway (not original, but funny. George Carlin RIP)
Touring in Turin
Roman Around
Smitten by Britain
Hoarding Jordan
NEW WORDS OR PHRASES:
Axplode
Malibi (The answer for accidents made under the influence of flavored rum)
CARTOON:
Two heads of hair are fencing. The first says, "Blonde garde!" The other responds, "Toupe!"
I hope you'll enjoy these. I don't really have an audience for these little jokes. (My friends punish me for this kind of thing.) ( by -Gabriella Cook)
...And always remember that A DAY WITHOUT PUNS IS LIKE A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE, THERE'S GLOOM FOR IMPROVEMENT
Volume 29, September 2008
The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.
It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.
Executing Director: Gary Hallock,
Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert
Email to punpunpun@rogers.com,
And visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com
The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation
October 2008
From the Files of Sir Punsalot (from Juanita Browne)
My father was a dentist and my mother was a manicurist...
for most of their married life they fought tooth and nail.
* * * * * * * * * *
I am reading a most interesting book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I like it better than the book on adhesives my friend's stuck on.
* * * * * * * * * *
Quasimodo goes to a doctor for his annual checkup.
"I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says.
"What makes you say that?" Quasimodo asks.
"I don't know," the doctor replies. "It's just a hunch."
* * * * * * * * * *
"I can't believe she said I was a liar. Sure I make random stuff up, but I'm not a liar."
---Overheard at Starbucks
* * * * * * * * *
The Los Angeles Police Department recently upgraded its computer network. Included was software to track open cases. Sgt. Joe Friday was chosen to coordinate the transition to the new software. He had to give a presentation to the detectives on using the software. At the end of the presentation, one woman asked, "How do you know so much about the software? Did you read the company's entire site?" Sgt. Friday quickly responded, "Just the FAQs, ma'am."
* * * * * * * * * *
During a hike with my friend I noticed a black bird roosting in a nearby tree. "I've always wondered what the difference is between a crow and a raven," I said.
"You have to count the pinion feathers on the wings," my friend explained. "If there are four, it's a crow. If it's five, it's a raven."
"Really?" I said, although I knew he didn't have a clue what he was talking about.
"Oh yes," he replied, "the difference is just a matter of a pinion."
* * * * * * * * * *
We have an old tree that became diseased and was losing its bark. We felt it needed a bark transplant and called a tree surgeon. The communication was mangled and when the surgeon arrived, he went to work on a tree across the street. He was halfway done when I noticed the error. I cried to stop him, yelling,"Stop! Stop! You're barking up the wrong tree!"
A fellow and his wife living in Houston, Texas, where the people are all patriots, were blessed with the birth of twins, two identical girls. These twins were born on the 4th of July, and the father, being patriotic, said to his wife, "We will name them Liberty and Justice, after the Pledge of Allegiance".
His wife said, "Are you nuts? You can't have girls going through life with names like Liberty and Justice. We are going to name them regular girl's names like Mary or Jane".
Well, the argument went on for about a month, when a compromise was reached. They would each name one of the girls. The man chose Liberty and the wife picked Elizabeth.
As the girls grew, they were so identical; they kept pulling tricks on people who couldn't tell them apart.
Finally, when they were about 18, a young man took interest in them. He would take one out on a date but he was never sure which one he was with.
He decided he would marry at least one of them, but he wasn't sure which one he would marry.
He went to the girls father and explained his quandary.
"I love your daughters and want to marry one of them, but I can't tell them apart, so I will leave it up to you... Give me Liberty or give me Beth."
* * * * * * * * * *
A motorcycle enthusiast complained that he couldn't decide whether to buy a bike with high top speed and poor acceleration, or one with lots of torque and fast acceleration, but a poor top speed. Eventually he decided on the second one, because it cost a lot less. After all, torque is cheap!
* * * * * * * * * *
Donations to the order were down and the convent did not have the funds to continue in their usual manner. Rather than shutting down, Mother Superior ordered an austerity program requiring recycling of old clothing. As the gowns had faded over the years, they were sent
to the manufacturer to restore them to their original black. Unfortunately when the dresses were returned, while improved, they were still a dark grey, Which just goes to prove old habits dye hard.
* * * * * * * * * *
A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of beer."
The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars."
The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender. "Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."
The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again.
"What's going on here?" the man asks.
Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."
* * * * * * * * * *
A very small female janitor (4'10", 90 pounds) worked at an amusement park and was told to go out and sweep up the grounds. As she was getting ready to head out to clean up, her supervisor noticed her putting rocks in her pockets.
When asked what she was doing, she pointed out that it was so windy out she was afraid of getting knocked over by the wind.
'So,' she said, 'now I weigh me down to sweep.'
A HEAVENLY STORY (G-d Gets Tired too)
We all know that, according to the Bible, G-d created the world in 6 days and rested on the 7th. Why did he rest on the 7th?
On my recent trip to Israel, I discovered an ancient scroll that gave the answer. It seems that on the 6th day, G-d was so unhappy with the planetary system that he created that he decided to alter it on the QT so that is would not appear in the bible.
He wanted to have the earth revolve around the sun in 24 hour cycles. He worked so long and hard to do this that he became extremely tired and looked completely exhausted.
A concerned angel asked "Gee, you look completely exhausted. What are you going to do now that you have created this 24 hour cycle of the earth revolving around the sun?" G-d replied AH, I THINK I'LL CALL IT A DAY!
DAFFYNITIONSADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
* * *BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
* * *CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
* * *CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they die.
* * *COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
* * *DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
* * *EGOTIST: Someone who is me-deep in conversation.
* * *HANDKERCHIEF: Cold storage.
* * *INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
* * *MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
* * *RAISIN: Grape with sunburn.
* * *SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
* * *SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
* * *TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
* * *TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today.
* * *YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
* * *and MY personal favorite: WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines.
Among these are some golden oldies but others I had never seen before now, from
2005 Punster of the Year Cynthia MacGregor:
~ Caribbean Islands Drift to Left
~ March Planned For Next August
~ Blind Bishop Appointed To See
~ Lingerie Shipment Hijacked -- Thief Gives Police The Slip
~ L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide
~ Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through
~ Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al.
~ Diaper Market Bottoms Out
~ Croupiers On Strike; Management Says: "No Big Deal"
~ Stadium Air Conditioning Fails -- Fans Protest
~ Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
~ Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters
~ Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
~ Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice
~ Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
~ Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin
~ Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
~ Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man
~ Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy
~ 20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar
~ War Dims Hope For Peace
~ If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
~ Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
~ Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation
~ Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years
~ Man is Fatally Slain
~ Death Causes Loneliness, Feelings of Isolation
~ Defendants Speech Ends in Long Sentence
~ Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
~ Police Discover Crack in Australia
~ Stiff Opposition Expected to Casket less Funeral Plan
~ Collegians are Turning to Vegetables
~ Scientists to Have Ford's Ear
~ Hershey Bars Protest
~ County Officials to Talk Rubbish
~ Carter Plans Swell Deficit Act
Good bye, Paul
...And always remember that A DAY WITHOUT PUNS IS LIKE A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE, THERE'S GLOOM FOR IMPROVEMENT
Volume 29, October 2008
The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.
It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.
Executing Director: Gary Hallock,
Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert
Email to punpunpun@rogers.com,
And visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com
The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation
November 2008
Halloween Puns: -From Stan Kegel-
Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin.
What is cannibal's favorite type of TV show?
A celebrity roast.
What do ghosts and goblins drink on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid.
Why were there screams coming from the kitchen?
The cook was beating the eggs.
What happened to the monster children who ate all the vegetables?
They gruesome.
Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating?
Women can see right through them.
What can you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A Cereal killer.
Why do you always find ghouls and demons together?
Because demons are a ghouls's best friend.
Puns of the Weak from Juanita Browne
An atheist is someone with no invisible means of support.
Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" Driver says, "Bout what?"
A rock store was closed by the police, they were taking too much for granite.
She was only the whisky maker's daughter, but he loved her still.
What is a computer's first sign of old age? Loss of memory.
Book: "The Insomniac" by Eliza Wake
Sign in grocery store: Notice! Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!
A letter carrier career is a mail dominated profession.
How many quarters does it take to play the new Lord of the Rings pinball game? None. It only takes Tolkiens.
A guy goes into a second hand shop to buy one for his watch.
A job at the nursery can lead to a budding career.
Didja hear about the Broadway actor who broke through the floor boards? He was just going through a stage.
The Italian government is considering installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa. The reason? What good is it if you have the inclination, but you don't have the time?
A farmer called his pig Ball Point. Well it wasn't it's real name, just a pen name.
When the unemployed actor got a job with a demolition company, he finally brought down the house.
AND NOW FOR SOME SHAGGY DOGS...
A mother pigeon and a baby pigeon were going to fly south for the winter. Trying all types of logic, the mother pigeon is having a difficult time convincing her new baby that he too can fly. The baby pigeon cried, "I can't make it ... I get too tired."
His mother said, "Don't worry; I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine."
The baby started to cry.
"What's wrong?" asked the mother.
"I don't want to be pigeon towed!"
A local newspaper was doing a story about how housing developments were eating up farmland, putting the livelihood of local farmers in jeopardy. They interviewed Arthur Brown, a well-known and respected farmer who lived on the outskirts of town. He had received numerous high-dollar offers for one particular field which bordered a nearby housing development.
The photographer took a picture of Farmer Brown standing on the controversial piece of land. The picture appeared in the story and mentioned Farmer Brown as....
..."a man out-standing in his field."
At one time, there was a Sea Scout camp outside of Norfolk, Virginia. It was so close to the beach that the porpoises could be seen swimming in to shore at dinnertime. The scouts would amuse themselves by throwing the scraps from their meals to the porpoises every evening.
Because of this the camp's chef would announce the meals by yelling, "It's chow time... for all in tents and porpoises!"
Having dealt with a few (well, ok....a lot of) extra pounds all my adult life, I have tried to rethink the activities which may have led me to grow up and out as I matured. I think it may have been my misunderstanding of certain diet advice:
Cook "Lite" - I thought that meant wearing as little as possible while in the kitchen (it does get hot in there). And, yes, be careful not to burn the buns!
Count Calories - I have yet to see any calories to count. I am not even sure what they look like. You have heard of hidden calories, right? It is easier to count the dust particles on my TV screen.
Walk for Exercise - Hey, I walk wherever I go. I do not jog, run, or skip...I WALK.
Stay Active - Duh...Just this week I re-activated my membership to the Dessert of the Month Club.
Avoid Overeating on Holidays - Funny thing, when I go on holiday, so does my ability to ward off temptation. When I look for Willpower, I find a sign saying, "Gone on Vacation." Unlike Willpower, I at least worked for my time off!
Practice Portion Control - I've been practicing....just not perfect yet.
Eat a Balanced Diet - so far I think I've done well on that point. My weight seems to be evenly dispersed and I am not in danger of careening to one side or the other.
Drink in Moderation - WHERE is Moderation? I would go there....
Find a Hobby that doesn't involve Food - I joined a theatre group. They put me in charge of the Dinner Theatre! Then there were those biscuits for the 7 Brides for 7 Brothers.... So much for a foodless hobby!
Eat a Variety of Food - No problem! Have you seen the variety of chips lately? I mean, we are talking everything from pickle, cracked pepper, nacho, vinegar, jalapeno, and more! And Jelly Beans....enough variety to have a different one every day for three months!
Dieting is heavy work....but it can be done...instead of eating a bun...I go read a pun. It makes life (and me) a lot lighter! Kay
There are some clever puns in the crossword puzzle in the "New York Observer." Here are the clues and answers to the puzzle, the title of which is "Minor Modifi-K-tions.
Locker room humor: jockularity
Really tired of crime lab shows: forensick
Go to magicians' school: matrickulate
Guy who likes to gab while shooting pool: rackonteur
What Nixon's secretary took: Dicktation
Like fields of ripe tomatoes: pickturesque
How birds think: deducktively
"On the Waterfront," for example: dockudrama
Cross between a peach and a gourd: necktarine
Use a wooden pointer: gestickulate
Thinker famous for slugging people who didn't agree with him: Sockrates
Sleepy town: Sackramento
(Observed and forwarded by Jim Ertner)
Hello, from Gabriella Cook, who says, "I stumbled upon your website and thought I'd send some puns I had thought up. I don't know what category they fall into, and if they're up to par. (Maybe they're just too green.).
RESTAURANT NAMES:
Planet of the Crepes
Date Crepe
Pho' Sho' (Vietnamese)
Wanton for Wantons
Scramblin' for Scrambles
Noodlin' for Noodles
Wafflin' for Waffles
Buffalo for Buffalo
Fondumental (Swiss restuarant)
Noodles and Poodles (Chinese restaurant...the only racial one I've got)
Filosophy (Greek Bakery)
TRAVEL BOOK NAMES:
Your way to Norway (not original, but funny. George Carlin RIP)
Touring in Turin
Roman Around
Smitten by Britain
Hoarding Jordan
NEW WORDS OR PHRASES:
Axplode
Malibi (The answer for accidents made under the influence of flavored rum)
CARTOON:
Two heads of hair are fencing. The first says, "Blonde garde!" The other responds, "Toupe!"
I hope you'll enjoy these. I don't really have an audience for these little jokes. (My friends punish me for this kind of thing.)
Dear International Save The Pun Foundation
I am forwarding to you over the innernut, several randumb thoughts
from my opun mined.
1: Necrophilia is not my ghoul in life!
2. Since my traumatic birth by forceps delivery, I have been suffering from
post-traumatic stress disorder.
3; Al Gore's brother Egore and I are both worried about the climate
warming that could occur in the hereafter.
4: I find fat women obeastly.
From a long time member and infrequent contributor, Doc Charlie.
... and finally A RIDDLE from PUNY: ( http://groups.yahoo.com/group/puny/)
Q: Why did the spook give his sweetheart a certain item of sexy
lingerie?
A: He wanted her to _____ _____ (5/5) with him.
#### GHOST TEDDY####
HOPE YOU HAD A HAPPY HALLOW E'EN
...And always remember that A DAY WITHOUT PUNS IS LIKE A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE, THERE'S GLOOM FOR IMPROVEMENT
Volume 29 November 2008
The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.
It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.
Executing Director: Gary Hallock,
Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert
Email to punpunpun@rogers.com,
And visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com
The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation
DECEMBER Pundit
In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite friendly with the pub owner's little dog who hung around the bar. They were quite upset when one day the little dog died. Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dog's wagging tail.
The little dog went up to Heaven and was about to run through the Pearly Gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to where he was going. The little dog said "I have been a good dog, so I am going into Heaven where I belong!".
Saint Peter replied, "Heaven is a place of perfection. You cannot come into Heaven without a tail. Where is your tail?"
The little dog explained what had happened back on Earth. St Peter told the little dog to go back down to Earth and retrieve his tail. The little dog protested that it was now the middle of the night on Earth, but St. Peter would not change his mind. So the little dog went back down to Earth and scratched on the door of the pub until the bartender who lived upstairs came down and opened the door.
"My goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What can I do for you?" asked the bartender.
The little dog explained that he wasn't allowed into Heaven without his tail and he needed it back.
The bartender replied, "I would really like to help you, but my liquor license doesn't allow me to retail spirits after hours!"
Gy Odom - Stand-Up Bunch'a Guys
It's kind of my dream to be a stand-up comic. DAVE, ATTELL'ya, I think
I've got the STEVEN WRIGHT stuff for it, in DAVID SPADES. That rush
when you get a booking and you wanna be there with BELZER on, assuming
you don't have a RICHARD PRYOR engagement, so you fly someplace like
Silver City-or it's Jewish neighbor, GOLDBERG (I'm so glad you got
that, WHOOPI!)
But, the comic's job, IZZARD. What if your mouth goes all dry and you
start to KAUFMAN, or what if a heckler shouts CHAPELLE-mell until a
headache starts to POUNDSTONE. Or what if the crowd just does not want
to hear your set, like the fans of that Blue Collar Tour? Sheesh, what
a bunch of BILL HICKS. They really make you wonder KINISON be his own
uncle? They're all RON WHITE guys, not a single LEWIS BLACK face in
that crowd. I'd hate a crowd like that, 'cuz A, they can be closed-
minded, and COSBY, they're all crazy like a REDD FOX-WORTHY to get
DAVID CROSS with you, they might GARAFAOLO you home.
I don't need to CARVEY out a niche, my jokes are for all, straight,
gay, or VAN DYKEs. Okay, that word is a bit loaded, let's just say
"women who said "MEN-CIA!" (Girls like that are ELLEN a handbasket) I
also don't want to do that frat-boy, catchphrase style that's so easy
it could be done by a Swedish janitor, or a...DANE COOK. Not that that
style is SINBAD, mind you, but I wanna be HEDBERG and shoulders above
the rest.
I've studied the HENNY YOUNGMAN, and young women, who have come
before, and gleaned every BERLE of wisdom that RICKLES down from their
mouths. Bottom line, sometimes you've gotta take a BRUCE to your ego,
and believe me, I've had LENNY. But if everything in your life isn't
coming up ROSEANNEs, all you can do it grin and COLBERT it, even if it
BILL MAHERs your spirit. Some days you're name's on that sign, up in
lights, and some days you find your SEINFELD, and that just GEORGE
BURNS. But I don't care...I can hear it BILLY CRYSTAL clear: the stage
is CARLIN my name.
Among these are some golden oldies but others Cynthia MacGregor had never seen before:
~ Caribbean Islands Drift to Left
~ March Planned For Next August
~ Blind Bishop Appointed To See
~ Lingerie Shipment Hijacked -- Thief Gives Police The Slip
~ L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide
~ Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through
~ Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al.
~ Diaper Market Bottoms Out
~ Croupiers On Strike; Management Says: "No Big Deal"
~ Stadium Air Conditioning Fails -- Fans Protest
~ Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
~ Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters
~ Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
~ Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice
~ Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
~ Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin
~ Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
~ Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man
~ Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy
~ 20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar
~ War Dims Hope For Peace
~ If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
~ Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
~ Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation
~ Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years
~ Man is Fatally Slain
~ Death Causes Loneliness, Feelings of Isolation
~ Defendants Speech Ends in Long Sentence
~ Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
~ Police Discover Crack in Australia
~ Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan
~ Collegians are Turning to Vegetables
~ Scientists to Have Ford's Ear
~ Hershey Bars Protest
~ County Officials to Talk Rubbish
~ Carter Plans Swell Deficit Act
Precarious - Condition before cavities develop. A daffynition from Cynthia MacGregor
Here are a few puns from Bertrand Piboin focusing on clichés and common expressions related to food. Again, twisting clchés around might not be "your cup of tee-hee", but there are "cornucopias" possibilities of puns involving food-related clichés.
- Bertrand began by saying that I was "a fool for thought".
- If a lot of extraterrestrials descended upon us all at once, would that
"amount to a hail of beings"? - How can French people put so much butter on their baguettes and not
get fat? I guess it is just "bread into their jeans". - If you want a good meal, don't "goose your cook".
- If you shoot a monk, does the bullet go from the "firing pin into the friar"?
A young lady was a theater major applying for fall semester classes. At the end of the busy day she goes back to her dorm and enters in a huff of anger.
"What's wrong, Shelly?" asks her roommate.
"Well, all the acting classes are filled. I couldn't even get into Mime class."
"Why not?"
"How should I know? You can't get a word out of those people!"
They handed me the microphone and had me stand in front of the silent crowd. I knew I had to say something. So, I said what everyone else said.
"Hi. My name is Mike. I'm a, er, um, ah, well . . . a punster." I finally choked it out.
They all responded. "Hi, Mike."
"I've been rational now for . . .." I had to check my watch. "for awhile now. I remember how I was in the old days. Every night, I'd go to the Steel Reinforcement Bar, for a few Entendres. Before long, I was drinking doubles."
Everyone nodded.
"But that was only a gateway drug, for me. I really got into the swing of things and before long; I was doing two or three epigrams a day."
Everyone seemed to understand.
"It wasn't long before I nearly drowned -- snorting Pepsi. I awoke in the punsters' ward of the local hospital, with an armed guard standing watch over me. He was carrying a loaded question, caliber Foramen Magnum. Well, we all want to get ahead; even the most spineless among us have good cause to doubt the veracity of scalpers. They said that they would call the dermatologist to scrape off the tar and feathers, the otolaryngologist to remove the rag they stuffed in my mouth, and the proctologist to remove the accordion: I was playing a song the Cod-father asked me to play: Salmon Chanted Evening.
"A few days later, I was high in the Darjeeling Mountains, at the Punsters Unanimous hospital -- certainly you have heard of P.U. -- between two burly attendants. They escort the punster around, and every time he cracks off with another moaner, they poke him in the ribs with their elbows. It is in the Punjab.
"It wasn't long until they decided that they couldn't help me. They could cure hams, but turkeys all too often suffer relapses.
...And always remember that A DAY WITHOUT PUNS IS LIKE A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE, THERE'S GLOOM FOR IMPROVEMENT
Volume 29 December 2008
The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.
It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.
Executing Director: Gary Hallock,
Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert
Email to punpunpun@rogers.com,
And visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com
Copyright ©2000-2010 PunPunPun.com. All Rights Reserved. Privacy Policy
