1st Place Punniest of Show - Kirk Miller

In a 3-way tie decided by an audience clap-off, Kirk Miller, long-time Pun-Off contestant, triumphed over Andy Balinsky and Eirik Ott.

Tool Time

My father urged me to be a simple carpenter because carpenters are just PLANE folks. He said that when the drill bit was invented, it was a real TURNING POINT. He DRILLED it into me, but I thought it was BORING. I would rather TOOL around with my friends. The UNVARNISHED truth is that I had a few SCREWS loose and was MALLET-justed. I had a drinking problem, and got PLASTERED on SCREWDRIVERS with my friend JACK HAMMER all the time.

One night my parents found me HAMMERED, and that didn't AUGUR well one BIT with them. I wanted to BOLT out of there. I made some disJOINTED remarks and shouted, "Just LATHE me alone!" "Don't RAZOR voice at me!" said Dad. He became UNHINGED! He CLAMPED down on me, and finally I SAWthat I couldn't suSTAIN that lifestyle. Yes, I SOLDER light. I tried to SQUARE things with Dad, so I joined aSPLINTER group of Alcoholics Anonymous and WRENCHED myself away from booze. My sponsor said that I was enDOWELed with talent, and if I JOINED my dad's business, that everything WOODWORK out. HeCHISELED away at me until I decided to JOIST do it. It was back to the old GRIND. It was a RIVETINGexperience as I BORE down and had to RATCHET up a notch. At first, I learned through TROWEL and error, butLADDER ON I finally NAILED the NUTS and BOLTS of the business.

So now I'm a LEVEL-headed man who isVISE president. My father thinks that I am a real KNIFE guy -- in fact, a STUD. He is proud of me, and said, "When I DIE, son, this AWL will be yours."

2nd Place Punniest of Show - Andy Balinsky

Multi-time Pun-Off medalist, Andy Balinsky also gathered 39 points from the judges. In a tie-breaker clap-off Andy came out in second place. With a vote of his piers, Balinsky also took home the mmMVP trophy.

Bailout on the Bankrupt Seas

My name's Smith Barneycle. I was Schwabing down the decks as we sailed the bankrupt seas on the outer Banks of America. The day was a Capital One. "Guten Morgan, Stanley," I said ponzi'ing our Earnest & Young captain. He said, "that's a NAS DAQ you've cleaned." I said, "'Tis Deloitte Touch I use."

But then PIRATES on the Horizons! He said "They're giving Chase, Man! Hattan down the hatches!! We are Madoff money. We've got Gold, man! Sachs of it! If they cash us they'll bonus! I said A I ..Gee, captain!

So Frost we headed to the Norwest, but they State Street behind us. The pirates' First National aboard was AMEX...ican, named Fidel, a Tijuana resident. I shouted "Comerica! I'll Merrilly Lynch you!" But he was Regions for his gun. I said "IMF'd!"

"Let's make a Countrywide alliance. I offer you a Mellon dollars. Let's make this ship a Prize Waterhouse of finance."

The captain said "What is that USA,A? UBS-ing me? This is the First Union I've ever seen. I've MetLife and I'm Fed up with it. USTrust someone and they Wachovia. I Wells Fargo my duties and resign."

I said "GMAC Captain now! Why would E-trade places with me? Oh, well, it's Ameritrade, and I'm Citi pretty."

3rd Place Punniest of Show - Eiric Ott

Beatle Songs

I'm driving to Galveston in a shiny SUV. It's my friend MAXWELL'S SILVER HUMMER. He heard I needed transportation, and said, "BABY YOU CAN DRIVE MY CAR!" Max is in the military and drinks a lot in bars. He's pretty chill, though. He's a MELLOW PUB MARINE.

So there I am speeding WHILE MY RADAR GENTLY SWEEPS the freeway for cops, and I'm thinking about the shack I rented at the beach, and realize I don't have enough money to pay the BUNGALOW BILL.

I'm meeting Ella Fitzgerald and Cathy Rigby there, but neither ELLA NOR RIGBY offered to help pay.

After an hour of driving on toll roads -- man, i wish there was a PENNY LANE -- I start craving a nice wad of Skoal... oh.. I WANT CHEW... I WANT CHEW SO BAD, BABY! IT'S DRIVING ME MAD! I GOT TO GET CHEW INTO MY LIFE!

P.S. I LOVE CHEW. My girlfriend does, too. SHE LOVES CHEW, YEAH YEAH YEAH.

I want it so bad, I start to hallucinate, and I see a weeping frog with his face on his butt. it was a WRONG-END WHINING TOAD.

I break out in little bumps, and I reach for my bottle of Tabasco. It's my favourite SALTED PEPPERS ONLY WARTS RUB BRAND.

When I get to the bungalow, the girls are watching Scandinavian porno, and I'm grossed out by so much NORWEGIAN WOOD.

I'm quite a religious guy. I talk to the Lord every night, then twice on sunday. Yep. EIGHT PRAYS A WEEK.

For dinner, we stuff some pastry dough with meat and nuts. It was the best JUICY DINNA PIE WITH ALMONDS we'd ever tasted!

Around midnight, they ask me for puns, and I say, "No way, I'm a DAY QUIPPER."

Oh, God, you've probably heard that one before, huh? oh well... SLOPPINESS IS A WORN PUN.

More Contributed 2009 Transcripts

The following POS routines were gored by the judges panel on a scale of 1 to 10 with 40 as the highest total score. 

Carmen Petrick - Score 37

Water Music

WATER you all doing here? I DRINK I'm in the right place, but everything's a WHIRLPOOL. I SINK I've been here before. Is this a SPLASHback or maybe DEJA BLUE? I know it was a dream, and EVIAN of you was in it. I was up here telling puns hoping to be HYDRATED and QUENCH a victory, but I got HOSED down by the judges. Their scores ranged from H2O, which is below BEVERAGE. OZARKA not good. I thought, "Ow, those scores SMART, but who cares? SOAKED WET? I'll CULLIGAN and DRY OUT next year."

In my dream I was wearing my GLASSes, which was a real DRIP because, while I don't mind wearing them at night, I 8 GLASSES A DAY. Yeah, in the day AQUIFER wearing contacts. So in my dream, my glasses had a big CREEK in the lens, but there were some folks from England down in the front, and one BRITA FILTERound and found an extra pair. She WAVED, "I've got a PERRIER!" I put them on, and I could SEA!

I was just starting to DILUTEn up, when this little boy PROPELed a paper airplane, and it FLUID right at me...just MIST my head. I didn't want to EVAPORATE the situation, but I was a little IRRIGATED. I said, "BOIL, until I'm through, can't you HYDROPLANE?" And he said, "What are you gonna do? TSUNAMI?"

Then someone TRICKLEd me into dancing. I'm so GULPable. A GURGLE like me really shouldn't dance because for the MOIST part, I can't get DROWN. I just stand DISTILLED in one place. My SIPS were all BOTTLED shut, and I had to use my knee CAPS to TWIST TO OPEN them up. Then I went off the DEEP END and started to sing, like this:

[rap beat] I wear DASANI jeans. In the heat, I SELTZER (I SELZTER)
I got the whole CLUB SODA lookin' up herr (hey)
I felt the FLOW. Next thing you know, the French said,
"L'EAU, L'EAU, L'EAU, L'EAU, L'EAU, L'EAU, L'EAU"

And you all were like, "AGUA did she just do?"
And that's when I realized it was all a STREAM.

Pat Tanzola - Score 33

GAS -- I'll cut to the cheese: I had a you reeka moment while reading an article in Ass Choir magazine.

It said that though Western peoples are controlling their emissions, there are still vast buildups of natural gas, held in tense grip between belligerent Cheeks in the Mid East.

This has led to methane-ous crimes among Arab arsetalkocracies, including the assgassination of the Blue Angel, leader of the Fartsee people, which has the hole region under a terrible cloud. The stealth bomber let loose in a crowded theatre hot box; it was John Wilts-the-Booth, a has-beans actor, aka Jack the Ripper, who suffocated his victim in the dark.

Since then, nonstop stench warfare: silent-but-deadly rocket blasts (outside the Qatar embarrassee) and the cries of aerate sirens. Ol factories have been odoured shut down for safety. In Krakow meanwhile, Eeeeewww leaders have held nothing in there but talks for days-- many high rank officials are holding their noses in response to the colon of doody.

Egyptian statesman Atef Ebeid (Burrito) also scented a strong message: He let one slip recently, boasting "In Egypt, we have 'toot' in common. We created the mysterious Sphinx, which baffle the world. Now we have a mighty Force of Air. Let smell-odious trumpets sound! Let the infidels sulphur!"

I'm no Nostrildamus, but my analysis? Throw caulking to the wind, and plug holes in these terrorassts: That would help rectumfy everything before it goes any farter!

Thank you, it's been a slice.

Jesse Pino - Score 33

Offspring

Some of you may remember me from last year, when I lost in a Punslinger's round about Infants and Children. APARENTLY, I've done some STUDing since the end OFF SPRING last year, and come up with a lot of FATHER (fodder) for my routine. So SPIT UP and listen as I WHINED my yarn.

I was always EXPECTANT to have kids someday, but my wife wanted EMBRYOl ('em real) early, which was never my INFANTtion. I TODDLER I wanted to wait until LABOR, but she said TRI,MESTER. INTERCOURSE of CRYing, we had a few MISSED CONCEPTIONS. I didn't want to become deFETUSt about the whole process, but when we finally SEX SEEDED in our little EGG-SPERM-ent. I could BELLY believe it- it CLEAR BLUE my mind. Our pups were the first to SHOWER that she was pregnant, and we ALL TRUST HOUNDS. Pregnancy is not FORTY WEEK, though, which is why GYNs don't do it.

The hospital was busy- thank God we had the WOMB reserved. I was antsy at delivery- the DOCTOR SUESSaid 'OB calm', but several times I had to have EPIDURAL (a pee during) the whole procedure. My wife took the labor BRADLEY, despite imagining fluffy LAMAZE. I got to C-SECTIONS of her personality that I hadn't before, and I gave her a wide BIRTH. However, it was really PLACENTA see my son being born. All the family came to visit, even my cousUMBILICALled. My family wanted the traditional jewish ceremony for boys, but I said to theMOYL, "I don't know about BRIS. I don't want you FORESKIN anything on him. Or off him, for that matter."

ExCOOS me, I've drawn a BLANK-ET must be lack of sleep. Of CARSEAT was fun to take him home, but that's when the BOTTLE of WETS started. Feeding was a problem, but we did the BREAST we could. Sometimes changing him makes me want to DIE. PERSONALLY, I feel it's better to ROCK A DRY BABY than a WET-ONES, but I can't PAMPERS him all day long, giving him little UGGIES and kisses. Sometimes I feel like I'm going off the DeepEnd,Ant I think I'm going to bay Be sit all over the place. And bedtime can be a problem--we have to SLING him to sleep with TINKLE TINKLE LITTLE STAR, and I'm going HORSE.

Aww, I'm only TEETHING. Really, I've been having a BAWL. He BOYS my spirits, and life has been one big POTTY since we started living on KID ROW. Some folks say they don't like children, but I don't know what they're BASSINET on. Sure, Toys and clothes can go FORMOOLAH, but it doesn't take a Baby Einstein to find ONESIES that Fisher-Price. He PlaySkool with other babies, even John's son and John's son, the twins.

Anyway, it's time for me to say CHEERIOS, and I should stop before I become a DAUGHTERING old fool. Besides, we all know that no good dad goes on punnish.

Henry Lynn - Score 32

My Dream House

In order to build my dream house atop a rocky hill I needed to find a real TOR. While browsing CRAG'S list I met an agent named CLIFF. He was from BOULDER, but had offices throughout CRATER Austin. I'd CALDERA every day to check on his progress. At long last. CLIFF dropped off dozens of maps. Eager to have a PEAK for myself I hopped in the FIORD and drove to each one. It turns out CLIFF was no ALP. Since I'm not RIDGE, not a single HILL was in my RANGE.

Thus I decided to build the perfect HILL myself Now I've had a LAVA DOME ideas, but this was a real BUTTE. Hoping to avoid the Texas heat, and having read that professional STONE layers are bullies, I began PILING ROCKS alone last April. It was nice not having a MA-SON heating down on me.

Nearing completion and being hungry I stopped to AVALANCHE. When all of a sudden ROCKS came crashing about me. Clearly there was a FAULT in my plan, but where was the SLIP? What had I taken for GRANITE? My wife rushed over and asked, "What's the MATTER-HORN?" "I'm fine," I exhaled, "I'm taking this all rather well?!" Although badly hurt and my dreams in ROCKy shambles, I had just gotten STONED and no longer had a CAIRN in the world.

Lauren Bennett - Score 31

A CHEESEy Love Poem

I SWISS you when you're gone, and get so BLEU without you.
ASIA'D-GO anywhere you go and know you'll COMTE with me, too.
Things have been so GOUDA since you came into my life.
You've un-FETA'ed the chains to my HAVARTI
And now we'll never be PROVOLONE.

At first I was just FONTINA of you,
But over time my affection GRUYERE.
STIL-TON now, every day feels so NEU-FCHATEL,
Like an adventure or a double GLOUCESTER dare.

I would never STRING you along,
MOZZARHELL-A'd do anything for you!
I mean, CHEESE-us, I love you so much,
RICOTTA know my feelings are true.

So send me over the MEUNSTER,
Give me just one little PECORINO on the cheek.
QUESO, actually I'll take a few more
Cuz when you PEPPERJACK me with kisses, my knees go weak

I had been on the HUNTS, MAN, for so long
I never thought life would get any CHEDDAR
But then you came to VELMEETA me in the middle
And FRO-MAGE-ically I became loyal as an Irish setter.

JARLSBURG'led my heart completely,
Now I CAMEMBERT the thought of losing you, sweetie.
I'm NACHO fair-weather, GORGONZOLey-eyed gal just in it for a short time,
Cuz SUGAR-HONEY-CREAM-CHEESE-MASCARPONEY-PUDDIN-PIE, you'll always BRIE mine!

Eddie Lawhorn - Score 30

Two Scents of Eau de Toilette 

My inspiration came from all the literature teachers I've known they could find symbolism hidden in everything! In their honor, here is my opening sentence for a detective story I call "Two Scents of Eau de Toilette."

FANNY's PAMPERed PORCELAIN CHEEKS FLUSHED as she STRAINED viewing deTAILs in the CRAMPed dark VOID at the BACK SIDE of "The MOONs of URANUS Bar": DIRTY BUMS SEATed on STOOLS eating tidy, BOTTOMless BOWLS of PEA-NUTS and an awful MESS of CANned CHITLINs thrown in LOOSE WET PILES on BUNS; wasted POT-HEADS (a whole LID WRECKED 'EM) SQUATted SHOOTng CRAPS; but MOVING undeTERRED BEHIND them was a STERN, WIPEd out, POOPED, WEE cROTCHety whiz in SOILED DUNGarees and RUMPled WINDBREAKER, REARed with the GUTS to go toil at ELIMINATING this ENDless reporting of the STALLed ARSEnal DUMP GAS LEAK EVACUATION IRREGULARITIES JOHN DUFF, one AS-TUTE CRACK detective.

Jay Rosenberg - Score 29

The Mottled Mangie Punister

I usually perform this piece with a special musical instrument I invented. It is similar to an ancient hand held harp but can analyze your skin cells for disease. But unfortunately I left my pathological
lyre at home. As a result I will perform this LII' Abner stye, Al Cappella.

Eye yam the berry muddle of a mottled mangie punisterI
malappropriately Anna's grams by dangling my modifiers
I've met a four and coordinated conjunctions categorical.
From Webster to funk and wagenel in order alphabetical.

I've redone redundancy from oxymorons to oxyclean
I've diss'ed coarse cardinals and ordered verbs to agree
I have iron knees and taughtoIogy to general agreement
To gramma's I offer indefinite complements

I've taxed sin and sinned taxed and dyed a gram a sentence
I'm pro noun and anti nyms yet maintain a voice that's neutral
I split an Art Idle indefinite and can junction and co ordinate
While demonstrating possessives by going over and under state

I eat my homonym grits with qualified spoonerisms
By assimulating paragraphs and trading you fa misms
I allomophs mighty power rangers and allophone E.T's home for him
And there is nothing wrong with homophones even though I'm a heteronym

In Will Shortz time I'll call my pal and drone on no more for us
And shift to paleontology to find the bones of a Thesaurus.

Darby Venza & Cody Powell - The Pith Lords - Score 28

Greetings, We are the pith Lords!
>> The pith Lords!
Today we have con COCKTAILed a story for you. You handle the applause; well handle the BOOZE.
>> I think I remember it.
Of COORS you do. Its almost VODKA villian! About a girl named MARGE R. RITA from a town in Texas...
>> Shirley, Temple?
Thats not an ALCOHOL pun!
>> Then Harelin GIN?
She wore a MARTINI Tiny Bikini. Her favorite book was TEQUILA Mockingbird. She was born in October and loved to dive.
>>.... She was a SCUBA LIBRE!
When she lived in NY, she voted for Elliot SPRITZER. Not to WINE, but She never CHARDONAYted to charities. Her favorite movie was Back to the Future. She really dug BACARDI.
>> McFly?
She SANGRIAIly well. She loved to TANQUERAY at the local CABERNET. She was a big fan of the judge in the OJ trial. She wanted Mo' ITO! She had a big defective fiddle.
>>....a LIMONCELLO?
She GRAPPA'd me by my can and whispered things about SEX ON THE BEACH. We kissed by the light of the MOONSHINE, but she had a boyfriend from KAHLUA Lumpur. He was a test pilot as well as a conductor!
>> He was a regular Chuck JAEGER Maestro. He gave me a SHINER. He hit me in VERMOUTH. His behavior was PINOT EGRIOUS. He was a real CHAMPAGNE in the ass. And yet he got off
SCOTCH FREE.
>> What a bunch of KEYSTONE Kops. She drove away in his Sub BOURBON. ABSINTHE makes the heart grow fonder. Well the whole experience left us older BUDWEISER.

Benjamin Ziek - Score 28

The Suds Also Set: A Soap Opera

Announcer: Last time on "The Suds Also Set", Carlos, the poor gardener, and Lee Forester, wealthy playboy, were arguing over the lovely Olive Carruthers. Carlos speaks...

Carlos: I-VORY much LAV-Alive, and I want her to spend CA-RESSt of her life with me... starting TONEnight.

Lee: Let me AXE you, Carlos, AV-EE-NO class? You don't stand a COAST of a chance, so I'll make you a DIAL. If you LEVER, 2000 dollars is yours. That CA-MAYbe buy your drugs, with enough left to BI-O-LAGE slurpee.

Carlos: You're a JERG-EN-Sose are fighting words. LUXy for me, I'm a fighter. Step out into the YARD-LEY.

Lee: OLAY Carlos. Surely you ZEST. Not on your LIFE-BUOY. Although after some training I'd feel SAFE-GUARDing your carcass around the place. Maybe I'll bury you at sea in a PAUL MIT-CHELLs on it. So, buzz off and SEL-SUN BLUEberries or something.

Carlos: Ha! You're so skinny it looks like you have DENOREXia. Training? When it comes to boxing, I'm a NEXXUS PERT-PLUS I have a RED- KENpo karate belt. I'll ProPRELL you across the lawn and leave you PANTENE for breath. There you'll reMANE 'N' TAIL Olive sees I've gotten aHEAD AND SHOULD-ER-Some real love. So WHI-TE RAIN. I can FINESSE you easy as uno, dos, TRES-EM-MEbe you'll learn your lesson. S-U-AVE you got to say now?

Lee: I know how we can CLAIR-OL this up. Let's ask Olive what SHIEL-Do.

Olive: Oh, I-RISH SPRINGer could see you both. I'm sorry Carlos, but  Lee has a PedAGREE. And he has CASH-MERE BOUQUETs of it. He drives a fancy GAR-NIER, two fancy cars, and tomorrow we're flying out to the island DOV=Eiji.

Announcer: Join us next time on The Suds Also Set when we'll hear Lee say...

Lee: Tough Luck, Carlos, but I guess now we all know who's going to PALM-OLIVE.

H. Sundance Mitchell - Score 27

The Ballad of Bill Sloane

"This song was taught to me by an old Shaggy sea Dog who lived in a shack by the Ocean. I guess that makes it a Sea Chanty."

Come listen while I tell a story
that's not about faith, love or glory;
‘Bout a man named Bill Sloane.
At the end you may groan,
for the verses will tend to pop corny!

Bill Sloane and his Dad were both sailors,
who spent all their days aboard whalers.
And their Captain would rave
when he wanted a shave;
For young Bill was real sharp with his razors!

Now some say that young Bill was crass,
that he had body parts made of brass.
So, when ordered to barber
he said to his father:
"The Captain can come kiss my as"...

...sking his son "What's the matter?
What's making you mad as a hatter?"
"Every day he gets shaved,
but I've never been paid;
and that's got me worked up in a lather!"

His Father said;"Don't have a fit.
Tomorrow you'll pack up your kit."
And he quelled Billy's rage
with advice that was sage,
adding:"Meanwile don't start any shi"...

...ipping out early next morning,
in a dinghy, the Captain still snoring.
And as Billy oared away
he was happy that day,
for a rowing Sloane lathers no boss.