Punniest of Show 2010

Contestants are encouraged to send their POS routines via email in HTML format text to gary [at] hallock.net. Please remember that transcripts are copyright so don't be wrong and re-publish without permission of the writers. Remember, we're all whiners here!

Diet Duet - Score 37
Justin Golbabai & Kelly Dupen

Kelly: Your parents turnip their noses at me, just because I'm a vegetarian!

Justin: Well yeah, I am a son of a butcher! But your parents tried to grill me! If I didn't duck, that machete would have pork chopped my head off!

Kelly: Oh peas! If daddy was trying to kale you than gourd help us!

Justin: He might have won the cattle but I'll win the boar. And the next time we meat, it might not be so pheasant!

Kelly: See! We both came into this relationship with a lot of personal cabbage. I should just asparagus the agony. No hope romaines. Lettuce breakup!

Justin: Is that how you really veal?

Kelly: Yes. Let's be honest, you take me for pomegranate. You don't carrot at all. Like the time you got me that cheap carnation. A rose, now that's what I cauliflower.

Justin: But I wrote you poultry! Remember?

Kelly: Of course, Roses are red, violets are blue...

Justin: Sausage is fatty but that's not you... It was for a rare occasion and I must say it was well-done.

Kelly: No, it was corny! And that one time, we were in line and you were green bean to me.

Justin: Here we go, I made one barb-in-the-queue and I never hear the end of it.

Kelly: Well it was a rhu-barb.

Justin: Sorry it quailed to make you laugh. I was just ribbing you. What's your beef with me anyway?

Kelly: It's been chive years! You know I've been avocadoing for marriage! But now we can't because you blew your entire celery gambling in Okrahoma! Way to squash our dreams!

Justin: Hey, I want to get the roast out of life and sometimes that means you got to brisket all! And when the steaks are high-A-1 can win...even me! (Triumphantly holding up the ring box).

Kelly: I'm artichoking up!

Justin: (On one knee with ring box) That's right, Papa, brought home the bacon! And if I can get my baby back, we can live happily ever after! Y'know, some say this marriage can't work.

Justin and Kelly (Together): But together we can stir fry!

AUSTIN SPOTS - Score 35
Jacob Dodson

She was looking like SIXTH when I first CAESAR CHAVEZ from across the room, and I just wanted to be RIVERSIDE. Well, I wanted to go SOUTH FIRST, but you can't CAMERON too hard. She was sipping a LIME CREEK, so she wasn't a MANOR, so I PEARL myself another drink, and SLAUGHTER over there through the FAR WEST of people. As the FRENCH would say, I wanted to MOUNT BONNE ELLE

I walk up like a big MANCHACA, acting all BURLESON, SABINE thinking bout you since I first DESSAU you. "I'm JACOB, MESA happy to meet you, I hope you KRAMER alone, cause I want to get 2222 know you."

"WHITIS you doing? KOENIG on to me?" She asks?

"What, PECAN a guy not talk to a nice CHICON these days?"

"I'm VAL, NUECES to meet you."

"The PLEASANT, VALLEY, is all mine."

"I'm feeling JOLLYVILLE," she says, "how are you? MLK"

I ask her if she's 620 FRIENDLY,

She says, "I've taken SPEEDWAY,"

I tell her "I got a whole PARMER-cy of stuff if you want to BURNET later."

She says, "I could get MONTOPOLIS a guy who keeps a nice BRODIE."

I, "I DEAN KEETON a good figure, you want to feel MOPAC?" Then things get real 360 WICKERSHAM on my chest, my hand in her BRAZOS I think 'I got a Rio GRANDE feeling about this'

She's throwing me for GUADALUPES and my WELLS BRANCH is getting a little WOODWARD, and I'm just thinking of how to DUVAL.

I WINDSOR over, and I knew was getting past third base because I'd been hitting balls out of the ENFIELD. So I put my LAMAR around her, "say COMAL baby, have STECK with me."

"I can't," she replies.

"Why?"

"BEE CAVES," she says, "I've got the RED RIVER."

Oil Be Damned - Score 35
Andy Balinsky

My name is Derrick, and I'm an ethanolic. (Hi Derrick). I'd leak to take a fume minutes on this platform. I'm in my Black Gold refinery because my gallon I were Conoco and top off at a Texas Tea Party. Ethyl had barrely put on her dipstick and her pumps when my Mobil flowing rang. So OPEC'ed it up.

It was my Exxon the line. I was in a Trans-ocean-ever calls. Chevron me off for giving her Gulf. That and the fake Diamond sham rock. She's no fuel. No Tanks. I thought, diesel be no regular drill, baby. Shell BP...O'd, but I'm not Louisiana sleep.

So, Val, dez ex of mine, said Lube better Cit." "Go on," I said, "but Fossil get my Pennz.oil take notes." She said, "Tar's been an Occidental Boom! in the Gulf of Texaco. The fish were blown cleanup.

The crude has benzeein' dead Halliburton the beach with their paraffins up." I said "Oil be damned! How bad gannet be? I can't Standard Oil this bad news. It's a hard spill to swallow. I gush I'm Esso L." 

Well, I called my slick lawyer, fill-up. You see, Phillip's 66. He said "I'm petrol-fied. It's rigged. I gas we Arco-ing to quart. We haven't a coast of a chance."

Offshore had an exhausting week. Greasy does it.

JUDY: Once uPUN a time there was A LAD IN trouble for stealing.  
MOM: What did he steal?  JUDY: He stole a HANSOM. PRINTS were found all over it.  
MOM: How did you learn about this hood?  JUDY: He wrote a book about his life.  
MOM: So he was a WRITING HOOD.  JUDY: But his book didn't sell FAIRY well.  
MOM: He was a LITTLE READ WRITING HOOD.  JUDY: Later in life he was a broker who wore a RUMPLED SILK SKIN tight shirt and trousers PUSHED IN BOOTS.  
MOM: What a character!  JUDY: He came up with a crooked scheme to sell futures in beans to a man named Jack.  
MOM: BEAN STOCKS?  JUDY: Yeah. So he wrote up the note and gave it to Jack. Jack took one look at it and said, 
"This is terrible. Where did you learn to write? What big I's you have! And what big crooked T's you have! 
Look at your big misshapen 0's! And what big R's you have! And what's with this Jackel. 
My name's not J A C K E L. Get the EL out of there!"  
MOM: So did he change it?  JUDY: He just said, "Sorry, there'S NO WHITE out."  
MOM: Tell me how he got caught.  JUDY: He ran a scheme selling the same house to THREE BUYERS. After each sale, he just changed the locks.  
MOM: Replaced the OLDIILOCKS with new ones.  JUDY: Turned out the THREE BUYERS themsELVES were undercover cops.  
MOM: THREE PIGS.  JUDY: The pigs threatened him with death in the electric chair and he stuttered, "NOT BY THE CHAIR AT THE PENNY PEN PEN!" 
Then he tried to run away and climbed up on a roof, but he lost his balance, and the pigs yelled, "THIS GUY IS FALLING, THIS GUY IS FALLING!" Well, he fell, broke his ankle and lived HOPPILY ever after.  

Folks, we're refugee pigs from Arizona here to tell our TAIL. Life was SWILL, but things changed.

First, "PIG LATIN" was outlawed in the schools. Then, the profiling of livestock -ANIMALS OF COLOR -what a PORCINE (poor sign).

We left. Went to the coast - (BAY OF PIGS), New York- too many STYscrapers. SOWdi Arabia? Too hot. We're talking PORK ROAST.

Tried BUSKING - PIGGIN' and GRINNIN'. Hung out w/some hollywood big shots - PJORK and HULK HOGGIN. Were homeless for a while- sleeping outside - PIGS IN A BLANKET. Got arrested, but they let us go - no HABEUS PORKUS. We LOINED the hard way. Thank goodness, Mary won the lottery - tHE PIG THREE.

We're DISGRUNTLED pigs at a PORK IN THE ROAD. It's SNOUT or never. So we say: be proud of your PIGMENTATION. Remember those great Americans, George HOGWASHinton, BABERAHAM Lincoln, and ..Miss PIGGY.

We ask the Governor of Texas,(a real PIG SHOT), to grant us sanctuary. (Our e-mails kept going to his SPAM account. ) Get out your PIG PEN and help us ROOT OUT discrimination.

Hey, we have TO FLY. Somebody SQUEALED on us and the cops are coming. You'd think they'd extend a little PROFESSIONAL COURTESY. Remember, afterwards we'll have refreshments. Mary's BACON a cake, w/ HOGGIN DAZ ice cream. Hate to TROTTER OUT so many bad puns, but, after all, WEEEEE don't wanna be a lAUGHING STOCK!

Alphabetic Pun - Score 26
Jason Epstein  

A bee, see? "D..." "E..." "F..." Gee!
A chai! Jay? k...
A lemon!
Oh, pee!!!
Queue?
Iris, tea! You?
VW???
Ex... (why?)
Zzzzz...

Teaching Woes - Score 25
Kirk Miller

After teaching school for 33 years, my sister is retiring next week. So Debbie, this is for you.

When my sister started teaching, she had a rough time. The school's head administrator was terrible. It wasn't school that she disliked, it was the PRINCIPAL of the thing.

The building entrance door was made of steel because it was a school of HARD KNOCKS.

Her students were so wild and unruly that she couldn't see straight; she got in trouble because her PUPILS were out of control.

Debbie dated a science teacher, but they broke up because there was no CHEMISTRY between them.

An English teacher got fired, and suffered from post-GRAMMATIC stress disorder.

When Debbie took class attendance, she was ABSENT-minded. One student was absent because he skipped school to go bungee jumping, and he got SUSPENDED. Another kid was absent part of the day; he limped into class with a LAME excuse for being late.

Debbie used her index finger to ask POINTED questions. When she asked an easy question, her students were all UP IN ARMS.

On one test, the questions were way too hard. Nobody flunked, but they all scored below a C. It was a D-GRADING experience for Debbie, and it did TEACHER a good LESSON.

So before the next music test, she told the kids to study their NOTES.

Debbie has five more days in the classroom. But old teachers never retire; they just lose their CLASS, get deGRADEd, become deTESTed, get deCLASSified, wipe the SLATE clean, and finally . .. just GRADE away.

PIDGIN a Fit - Score 24
Linda Eldridge

Bill asked his quiet CHI-NESE, "HAW-A-IIAN doing, CHEY-ANNE?" She had an E-STONI-AN stare. "KH-MER, I-TAL-IAN what I think," she replied. "My boyfriend, Joe, says he loves me, but so PHAR,-SEE, he hasn't popped the question." Anne told Joe, "MAY-AN looking good today!" HE-BREW-ed some tea, got scared, and drove off.

Some people were talking HMONG themselves. One asked, "What are U-KRANIAN your head to see?" She cried, "CZECH out that guy RUSSIAN away in his highly POLISH-ed car! I bet he's part of that hard-KORE-AN FRENCH element. He's d-ESPERAN-TO get that COP-TIC-ked off by ALEUTIAN him. AM-O-RITE?"

Joe looked HIN-DI rearview mirror and thought, "I-RISH that cop wouldn't TAG-ALOG. IS-RAELI getting on my nerves! All this driving JA-MAIC-AN me HUNGARIAN!" Joe crashed through the mall doors. The Food Court only had MALL-TESE, not real food. Onlookers said, "MAN-DAR-IN a strange place for a car!" Joe ate French fries and asked for SAM-OAN.

He was tired and said, "I HOP-I can find a bed. I'MA-LAYSIAN down". A furniture store manager THAI'd him up and said, "I'll SIOUX UTE! You'll be SPANISHED!"

Joe realized he'd been SI-CILI-AN regretted his escape. He cried, "A-WAD-HI go home!" The manager said, YI-DDISH it out, but you just can't take it. JE-WISH that you'd done something else?" Joe said, "I shouldn't have left my girlfriend." The manager said, "You love her. SO-MALI her!"

IN-DI-AN, Joe was SWEED-ISH and proposed to Anne. That CHICK-A-SAW his remorse and asked, "Can I marry you? Of CORS-I-CAN!"

A Used Car - Score 22
Bob Dvorak

IVAN DAWN ADA CARLOTTA VIDA JIM.

"WILMA CORBY HERO SUMMER ELSA? BETTY HASSAN OTTO FLORA GUY."

I HARLEY COTTON GWEN THEONA was COLIN, "BEN JUSTIN TYNE. I got CARLOS ADELES. OLLIE XAVIER LES ANNA BILL."

"ALBIE TRUMAN, INEZ ANITA DEL. You SELMA ANNIE CARSON HERA?"

WILL you CARA LOTTE FITZ HOLDEN? HY AVA GEORGEous ANNE ZEKE. PARKER at TOM. SYL,VIA LOT MOIRA. BEA MAUREEN TAMARA."

ZOE WANDA BARACK TRUDY ROSE ANDY rePETEd a-KEN:

"SVEN HESTER DENISE FORD? ARTHUR HENNY DUTCH HUGH MARCO KAY?
CANDICE SHELBY DON?"

WOODY DARRYL LESTER PRICE LOIS ABEL? YSOLDE MIA EDSEL IKE CANDY FORD.

NOAH, to HELMUT DIS, MAS'nt SIMBA FRED to LEIF and CHUCK it TALBOT MAMIE IVANA TROY ILONA.
-------------------------------------------

[Translation from the puns]

I went down at a car lot by the gym.

Will my car be here or somewhere else? Bet he has an auto for a guy.

I hardly got in when the owner was calling, "Been just in time. I got
carloads of deals. I'll save ya less on a bill."

I'll be true, man, I knows I need a deal. You sell many cars in here?

Will you care a lot if it's olden? I have a gorgeous antique.
Park her at home. Still, we've a lot more. Be more in tomorrow.

So we wander back through the rows and he repeated again:

So when has you the needs for it? Are there any that you mark okay?
Can this sale be done?

Would he dare list a price low as able? He sold me a Edsel I can't
afford.

No, to hell with this, mustn't seem afraid to leave and chuck it all, but
maybe I wanna try a loaner.

Animal Story - Score 22
Larry Branch

Brace yourselves for what I am about to cast u-PUN you. Once, while renovating my animal hospital, an air-conditioner in a closet was removed, revealing a compartment underneath, connected to outside through a drain pipe. In the corner lay an oblong object, prompting speculation that a snake had crept in, secreted an egg, and slithered away. "What is that?" spouted a young lady employee. I stated my suspicion, then challenged, "Reach over there and pick it up."

Anxious to convey courage, she quickly complied, lifted the mysterious "ovum", eyes widening all the while, when suddenly: . . . it shattered, revealing it to be . . . a packaging peanut!!!

We were sadly mis-SNAKEn!!!!! Another day a possum needed anesthesia. Sleepiness was induced inside an aquarium by piping in gas. While carefully monitoring the marsupial's sequence of somnolence, I was punched with a powerful perplexity: how was I to know . . . if my patient . . . was well under anesthesia . . . OR . . . just . . . playing . . . possum???????????. But no need to feel stupid: this determination is virtually im-POSSUM-able!!!!!!!

Comics (sung to the tune of "Make 'Em Laugh " - Score 19
Jay Rosenberg 

Since last year we had to COMIC OUT OF THE RAIN, otherwise we would have been PUNSLINGIN' IN THE RAIN, it acted as a perspiration for my OH MARGE to the great DON 'U, OH CON HER. Oh, and if I get a case of flop sweat, I'll have to apply some speed shtick.

BOB'S NEW HEART
SETH'S ROGAINE
I've lost count of all RICHARD'S PRIORs,
Pirates ARGGH SEEN YOU'RE OL' HALL
Where they staged a LOOSE EEL BALL
They'll pay EDDIE'S MERE FEE
For a rose an' a JACK'S PENNY
JON STEW's is ART and JIM will CARRY AND DICE in some CLAY
I'll sneak through a DANGER FIELD for some TEA AN some FEY
FREDDIE'S PRINTS were secure BUT HE HACKED IT some way
Lewis Black, LURE US BACK, In lieu of tact

STEVEN'S RIGHT,
MARTIN'S SHORT
SARAH'S SILVER, MAN, is not to SMEARN OFF
Both JAMIE AND REDD can't be out FOXED
But JEFF's not fOXWORTHY so he's in a box
I'll serve HENNIE'S YOUNG MAN some bagels and lox
Lewis Black, Lure us back, In lieu of tact

DAVE I'LL TELL
DAVID'S CROSS
That a goat, BILLY, CRYSTAL got tossed
RICHARD'S BELLS are in DAVE'S CHAPPELLE tolling the most
And DAVID'S LETTER, MAN, in the mail was lost
And FRED AND STEVE AND TIM AND WOODY ARE ALL IN, of course
Lewis Black, Lure us back, In lieu of tact

Stand ups so I can thank you all D L HUGELY.

Outtakes from Musicals Past and Future - Score 19
Geoff Hambrick

Here's a scene that ended up on Disney's cutting room floor. When Pinnochio became a real boy and left home, Geppetto carved another little puppet he called Charles. Just as before, the Blue Fairy appeared, waved her wand, and Charles sprang to life. Unfortunately Charles was not as glad to be animated as Pinnochio was. He pitched a terrible fit- kicking, screaming, and throwing whatever was handy -usually the chips from Gepetto's carvings. This led to a song with the chorus:

How much wood would a wood Chuck chuck, if a wood Chuck would chuck wood?

If this new twist on an old pun didn't make you chuckle, then before you start chucking wood at me, let me tell you about the first draft from the musical Oklahoma. The scene where Curly McLain was asking Miss Laurie out on a date actually had to do with an exotic Indian restaurant in town. The restaurant's signature touch was to sprinkle on lots of tumeric just before serving. Curly sang Miss Laurie a song that ended:

Geese and ducks and chicks better scurry, when I take you out for a curry with a tinge on top!

If that tinge didn't cause a twinge, let me try one more time to curry favor by telling you of a musical in the works about Nirvana's Kurt Cobain and how he met his wife to be Courtney Love at a commune they lived on for a summer. Kurt was in charge of the garden and grew all sorts of herbs and vegetables. One part of his garden was doing really well while the rest was struggling. Kurt found out why when he had to go to town early one morning and get some supplies. He saw Courtney peeing in one of the garden beds in the very back! Since this was helping his garden to flourish, he decided not to confront her or tell anyone. During the drive to town he broke out into a song that ended:

Love goes where my rosemary grows, and nobody knows but me.

Sorry that the time limit forced me to be so curt.

A Capitol Shaggy Dog Story - Score 18
Bert Piboin

A MAN HAD A GREAT COLLECTION OF BASEBALL CARDS, AMASSED OVER A 15-YEAR PERIOD IN HIS YOUTH. WHEN HE WAS A KID, HE LOVED TO BRAG EVERY TIME HE GOT A CARD OF ONE OF THE STARS OF THE DAY. HE EVEN LIKED THE STALE GUM THAT CAME WITH EACH PACKAGE OF CARDS AND HE WOULD PUT A BIG WAD OF THAT GUM IN HIS MOUTH TO IMITATE HIS FAVORITE BASEBALL PLAYERS. IN FACT, HE ALMOST CHOKED TO DEATH ON A BIG WAD OF GUM WHILE PLAYING SECOND BASE IN A LITTLE LEAGUE GAME AND IMITATING ONE OF HIS BASEBALL HEROS.

AS AN ADULT, HE STILL LOVED HIS CARDS. WHEN HE HAD FRIENDS TO HIS HOUSE FOR DINNER, IT WAS CERTAIN THAT HE WOULD BRING OUT THE CARDS. WHEN HE MET FRIENDS AT BARS OR COFFEE SHOPS, HE ALWAYS HAD SOME CARDS WITH HIM AND WOULD SHOW THEM OFF.

SOON, FRIENDS BEGAN TO GIVE REASONS NOT TO COME TO HIS HOUSE FOR DINNER. AT THE BARS AND CAFES, FRIENDS QUICKLY LEFT WHENEVER HE STARTED TO SHOW OFF HIS CARDS. FINALLY HIS BEST FRIEND TOLD HIM BLUNTLY THAT THE OBSESSION WITH THE CARDS WAS CAUSING HIM TO LOSE ALL HIS FRIENDS.

THE MAN REALIZED THAT HE HAD TO SELL ALL HIS CARDS AND THAT HE HAD TO LIVE WITHOUT THEM. SO, HE PUT THE WHOLE COLLECTION UP FOR SALE ON EBAY. BEFORE LONG, HE HAD ENORMOUS OFFERS FOR THE ENTIRE COLLECTION. HE MADE A LOT OF MONEY AND WAS HAPPY AT FIRST, THINKING IT WOULD BE EASY TO LIVE WITHOUT THE CARDS. YET, SADNESS BEGAN TO OVERWHELM HIM. HE MISSED HIS FAVORITE CARDS, PARTICULARLY THE MANTLES AND THE CLEMENTES. AS HE BEGAN CRYING HEAVILY OVER THE LOSS OF HIS FAVORITE CARDS, HE REMEMBERED WHEN HE NEARLY CHOKED TO DEATH ON THE BIG WAD OF GUM IN HIS MOUTH. LIKE THAT BIG WAD OF GUM, IN SELLING ALL OF HIS CARDS, HE HAD BID OFF MORE THAN HE COULD ESCHEW.

AND, ESCHEW IS NOT A WORD TO AVOID OR TO SNEEZE AT!