August 1998

Imagine, says Lewis O'Brien, if instead of moronic strings of cryptic text, software produced elegant ethereal error messages in haiku... perhaps like...

A file that big?

It might be very useful,

But now it is gone.

Chaos reigns within.

Reflect, repent, and reboot.

Order shall return.

First snow, then silence.

Thousand-dollar monitor

Dies beautifully.

With searching comes loss

And the presence of absence:

"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen

Is not the true Tao, until

You load fresh toner.

Windows NT crashed.

I am the Blue Screen of Death.

No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.

 Today it is not working.

 Windows is like that.

 Three things are certain:

 Death, taxes, and lost data.

 Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,

But the water has moved on.

This page is not here.

Out of memory.

We wish to hold the whole sky,

But we never will.

Having been erased,

The document you're seeking

Must now be retyped.

Rather than a beep

Or a rude error message,

These words: "File not found."

Serious error.

All shortcuts have disappeared.

Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Our hai(ku) hat's off to you Lew.

Warren Allen flew this story to us, pitching in tune with a theme.  

A singer/songwriter had ambitions to be a major-league baseball player. He was good enough that all the teams wanted him, but he

was deathly afraid of airplane flights. So he decided to put aside his dream. One night, however,

 G-d appeared to him in another dream, and suggested that he should "Play Ball!" and that all of his flights would be watched over and that he would be safe. There were two conditions:

1. He could not sit in first class and

2. He had to commune with G-d during all flights.

When young Brett Sanginheaven woke up, he was so excited that he immediately signed a contract with the local team. On his very first trip, he boldly went where he dared not go before. Out to the airport. He got on board the plane, strode up to the flight attendant, and burst into song:

"Put me in coach,

 I'm ready to pray, today!"

***

Following up on the homonyms of July, Aussie David Davis, told us that he caught them in the net and he thought that since we liked them then we might (wont, want) to see (sum, some) more. So here from down under, Samoa:

We sternly warned the circus clown not to light the fuse while

we were inside the cannon, but he did it anyway -- and it really

made us ___ ! (SORE and SOAR.).

David continued to fill our pages with these homonymic pun-ishments. He told us about:

Bakers NEEDING/KNEADING dough,

Cooks running out of TIME/THYME,

Princesses having a bad

NIGHT/KNIGHT,

Doctors losing their

PATIENCE/PATIENTS,

Marines being rotten to the

CORE/CORPS, and

Strange markets selling

BIZARRE/BAZAAR items.

Here's a tale of a landlady's arrest for murdering her tenants and scattering parts of their bodies around town. Her only

comment was, "Well, that's what comes of spreading ___."

(ROOMERS/RUMOURS)

"More?" David asks.

 "Shoo or sure", we reply.

I love your old worn-out jacket covered with all those slogans,

but I can't read the ___ (FRAYS/PHRASE) at the end of the sleeves.

The bicycle salesman had broken his ankle and was, alas, unable

to ___ (PEDAL/PEDDLE) his wares.

When the glazier was sent to the hospital room to check the

cracked window, he told the patient in the body cast, " I've come to fix your___"(PANE/PAIN).

The foal had a small and

raspy whinny, but that was because he was a little ___.

(HORSE/HOARSE).

While baking, I dropped a stick of margarine on the wooden tile

floor, and my neighbor slipped and fell on the ___. (PARKAY/PARQUET).

My flaming vegetable pie tastes so

good, it just can't be ___. (BEAT/BEET).

I told my kids to be quiet and pass

the pie because I wanted a little ___. (PIECE/PEACE)

The ___(CD/SEEDY)  salesman said, "The classical music section is right over there, you see dese are number one on the charts. "

The Arab's opulence

was obvious from his ___ (CHIC/SHEIK)___ clothing.

 The researcher's report showed data on the political ___. (GRAFT/GRAPHED)

My sofa was repaired, but I was surprised to find an item on the bill for upholstery ___.(TACKS/TAX)

The veterinarian had

a great deal of trouble getting his ill dog to ___. (HEAL/HEEL)

The mess in my garage made it difficult for me to find my garden ___. (HOES/HOSE)

What can compare to picnicking on a French hillside savoring the___.(BREEZE/BRIES)

The Belly Dancer was popular with sailors. She understood ___ (NAVEL/NAVAL) manoeuvres.

After having been downsized the aquarium keeper let out a big __(WAIL/WHALE).

Water leaking through wallboard is usually a (CEILING/SEALING)

___ problem.

Prior to the marine auction, I went to inspect the (FOR SALE/FOUR SAIL)___boats.

The vaudeville comedian was left behind after having been hit in the face with the cream pie. He felt terribly

___. (DESERTED/DESSERTED)

The senator slipped on a banana peel and fell in a heap, resulting in a ____HUMERUS/HUMOROUS) break during the subcommittee's intense discussion.

Her co-workers asked whether they should bring a gift to her birthday party. Mary replied, "You should know that I'm only interested in your ___." (PRESENTS/PRESENCE).

David will be back  ___AGAIN/OUR GAIN.

***

KID'S KORNER

"What did the bee say to the flower?" Malorie asks.

"When do you open, Bud?"

Then she asks, "What did the flower say to the bee?" Emily answers, "Buzz off!"

***

Grama An suggested her grandson Bob Clarke send these anagrams for sharing in the Pundit. Here then are Bob's blue chips.

Dormitory:  DirtyRoom

Desperation:  A rope ends it

Slot machines:  Cash lost in 'em

Snooze alarms:  Alas! No more Z's

Eleven plus two:  Twelve plus one

"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." Neil A. Armstrong.

Anagramatically that could says

"A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!"

***

Hot Dog! Here's a neat book you may want to consider as part of your gift list. It's called

"Hot Dog and other stupid poems"

Vincent Joyce put the poetry in motion, while Suzanne de Verteuil, Wendy Morris and Lou Wiatrowski added the 'thousands of words' that are illustrated. Be sure to see the enclosed insert.

See you in September!

Volume 19, Number 8

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership in the ISTPF is $125. Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Desktop stuff and full time critc: Rosanna Borgh

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation, Box 5040, Station A, Toronto, Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

Email address is ngilbert@netcom.com

On the web @ WWW.PUNPUNPUN.COM

December 1998

We kick off this issue with these pun(t)s from Sue 'Pundora' Lumia.

My husband was watching the Buffalo Bills vs. the New York Jets.  Suddenly, I heard a name I liked, "Jumbo Elliott!"   "Which team does he play for?" and my husband replied, "The Jets." And I said, "Oh, I guess he's a Jumbo Jet!"

***

If you have access to the World Wide Web, and email, an invitation has been forwarded to members of the ISTPF to join Punsters United Nearly Yearly.     To subscribe, go to http://goodstuff.prodigy.com/Mailing Lists/puny.html

 or send a message with the word "subscribe puny" in the body to

majordomo@listserv.prodigy.com (no subject or quotation marks

necessary).  For more info, send the message "help" to

majordomo@listserv.prodigy.co.

 The very same people who sponsor the Annual O. Henry Pun-Off World Championships, authored this "list." The Pun-Off is an annual event held in Austin Texas.  (May 2 in 1999)

Gary Hallock, 1997 Punster of the Year , is the 'riddlemaster'. It's always phun  and philled with wonderful word play.

We are pleased, once again, to be posing the following riddles from these very same PUNY people.

(Answers are found elsewhere).

1.  What type of vehicle should you drive if you wish to have some influence

over the amount of precipitation that falls? (Not a brand name)

2. What do you call a Salvation Army volunteer who approaches patrons

between acts of a play?.

3. What is an attractive aging transgressing feline that

suddenly loses the ability to use her voice when drinking quinine water?

4. We already know that fish worshipers are ichthyologists. Where do

Alaskan ichthyologists do their schooling?

5. What mathematical term would help cover a mermaid?

Gary tells us this hairy tail.

I was worried about my receding hairline so I made a deal with the devil. He promised that if I ever go bald, he'll make it grow back.  So now I have adopted a devil make hair attitude, even though I know that someday there'll be Hell toupee.

***

Stephen Will saw this sign in a jewelry shop: Some people go for baroque!

***

Inspired by puntuation marks, Dr. B says: "My favourite restaurant is owned by a cross-eyed chef. All the food is cut on a slant. I take my wife there because she loves 'italic' food.

"I went to a deli and got "an apostrophe" sandwich."

 Would alphabet soup taste better with  'carets' in it?

If bread is the staff of life, is Viagra the stiff of life?

***

Stan Kegel sends this fuzzy tail.

A woodcarver lived in a house in a forest with a rabbit and a housemaid. Among the duties of the housemaid was to dress

the rabbit each morning as he was unable to dress himself. One day after breakfast, the rabbit and the woodcarver went out into the forest. They were looking for wood that would be suitable for carving. They soon found what they agreed was a wonderful piece that was just perfect for sculpting. Alas, they could not agree on what subject.

 The woodcarver thought a mother sheep feeding her lambs, the rabbit wanted to

see the piece become a Dutch shoe. They agreed to let the housemaid decide. Back at the cottage they explained their problem. "We shall flip a coin," she exclaimed. "Heads it's sheep, and tails it's for shoes." She flipped the coin, caught it and peeked . . ..

Wood ewe or wooden shoe? Only the haredresser knew for sure.

***

"Do you like Puns?" asks Count B.Tye of Charleston, S.C.

Here are two of mind. (this is one too)

The burglar stole a set of files to steel away.

It's impossible to row boats with this kind of ore.               

***

The following epitaphs (we should only drop dead) were seen on real live tombstones:

 East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:

 Here lies

 Ezekial Aikle

 Age 102

 The Good

 Die Young.

 In London, England:

 Here lies Ann Mann,

 Who lived an old maid

 But died an old Mann.

 Dec. 8, 1767

 In Ribbesford, England:

 The children of Israel wanted bread

 And the Lord sent them manna,

 Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,

 And the Devil sent him Anna.

  In  Ruidoso, New Mexico:

  Here lies

  Johnny Yeast

  Pardon me

  For not rising.

  In Silver City, Nevada:

  Here lays Butch,

  We planted him raw.

  He was quick on the trigger,

  But slow on the draw.

  On the stone of Sir John Strange

  in England:

  Here lies an honest lawyer,

  And that is Strange.

  Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone,  

  Arizona:

  Here lies Lester Moore

  Four slugs from a .44

  No Les No More.

  In a Georgia cemetery:

  "I told you I was sick!"

  John Penny's epitaph in Winborne,    

  England:

  Reader if cash thou art

  In want of any

  Dig 4 feet deep

  And thou wilt find a Penny.

  In Hartscombe, England:

  On the 22nd of June

  Jonathan Fiddle -

  Went out of tune.

  In Enosburg Falls, Vermont:

  Here lies the body of our Anna

  Done to death by a banana

  It wasn't the fruit that laid her low

  The skin of the thing made her go.    

More fun with names with Owen        Moore in Battersea, London, England:  Gone away

Owin' more

Than he could pay.

And lastly,

But does he make house calls?

Dr. Fred Roberts,

Brookland, Arkansas:

Office upstairs.

***

Warren Allen says:

Sports fan Kenneth Starr's favorite football game is the imPeach Bowl, this year it will be played in Santa Monica.

His feet are so wide that he must buy Libyan shoes.  They're made in Triple E.

It has been reported that, due to a shortage of asphalt, streets in

the capital of Afghanistan are being paved with Kabul stones.

"RAWRIDE" starring Hop-A-Long Chastity. I ponder Rosa till Lorne's green.  Who knows what Paula nose?

A nose is a nose is a nose. Airononymous.

***

Here is elsewhere.

1.An alter rain vehicle.

2.An intermissionary.

3 A-cute cat-a-tonic purr-senility sin-drome.

4.In the salmonary.

5.An algae-bra..

Alan Combs, Stan Kegel, Gary Hallock, and Van Camp are the authorriddlers

Brent Eades tells us that he dreamed this one up years ago; it's still as bad now as it was then:

A paleontologist was working late one night in his tent at a dig site in Northern Iraq. He had uncovered an exotic dinosaur skeleton. He heard furtive noises outside. He discovered a pair of thieves attempting to make off with his tools and generator.  A scuffle ensued, and the scientist grabbed the first weapon to come to hand. It was a huge fossilized femur.  With deft blows he laid the thieves out cold, then radioed for help. Congratulated by the authorities for his courage and quick thinking, he replied modestly,

"Oh, it was nothing really -- simply a matter of stilling two Kurds with one bone".

***

Paul McBroom says, "I owe silver.". When he got to the bank he saw the sign. It said, "THE LOAN ARRANGER"

***

David Williams of the aforementioned PUNY offered up this newsworthy pressidential bit.

I wanted to hurry a response but I had to

Polk my head in a book. My Adams apple began to hurt. It felt like someone was trying to Pierce my throat, so I decided I needed to see my Taylor.  I was feeling a Taft down my neck. The Taylor offered to fix my shirt for $100 but I said Nixon that, I'll see if my friends will Grant me a loan. I told them the amount to fix it. They called me a liar. I said, No, it's Truman. I'm not beating around the Bush. They told me to take my wife and talk to the Taylor but I said No, I don't want to Carter there. My shirt was finally fixed. I was so happy I told the Taylor, "I will put you in my Wilson".

***

Seymour Kapetansky asks, "Do ailing post office workers go to the Mail Clinic?

***

We are presently tabulating the entries for the Ten Best Stressed Puns of 1998. If you haven't already sent us your favourites, your nomination can still count if you get it to us by December 23.  

Remember too that a gift of a membership in the ISTPF is one that will give lasting joy for the whole year. Check out the book coupons here to have some more ideas for lasting gifts.

As we come to the close of yet another pun-filled year, we would like to wish you and yours all the things that you want, along with peace, happiness and above all good health.

Happy New Year!

Volume 19, December 1998

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership in the ISTPF is $125. Life embership includes 5 years of the Pundit.

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Desktop stuff and full time critic: Rosanna Borgh

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation, Box 5040, Station A, Toronto, Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

Email is mailto:ngilbert@netcom.com.

The web @ www.punpunpun.com

January 1998

How late can a newsletter be and still be called a newsletter? Better laden aver. Okay, here's what has happened. These may sound like lame excuses, but they're all I've got. On December 16 1997, your chairman of the bored, that's me, had a bout of kneemonia. So bad was the bout, that a new knee was kneaded to replace the old worn out one. I thought that since there were two knees, both the same age, by the way, that it would be, "take out the old, put in the new, and back to work." That was not to be. The surgeon dealt me a knock out blow that blew me away from the pun mode for five weaks.  But the Pundit must go on. It is as stated prior here to a late beginning to the New Year, but it is a beginning pun the less. So Les, let's get on with the show. Here then is Issue 1 of Volume 19, for your reading pleasure. 

REPLIES TO INVITATIONS TO THE SCIENTISTS' BIG PARTY

 - Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.

 - Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.

-Volta was electrified .

-Archimedes was buoyant at the thought of it.

 - Ampere was worried he wasn't up to current research.

 - Ohm resisted the idea at first.

 - Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

 - Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience.

 - Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.

 - Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.

 - Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.

 - Dr Jekyll declined- he hadn't been feeling himself lately.

 - Morse's reply: I'll be there on the dot.  Can't stop now, must dash.

 - Heisenberg was uncertain if he could make it.

 - Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with greater frequency.

 - Audubon said he'd have to wing it.

 - Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together to make a space in his schedule.

 - Darwin said he'd have to see what evolved.

 - Mendel said he'd put some things together and see what came out.

 - Descartes said he'd think about it.

 - Newton was moved to attend.

 - Pavlov was drooling at the thought.

 - Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.

  But at the last minute they changed the date, and poor Alexander Graham Bell forgot to     phone first.

PUNSTERS' PARADISE

A paradise in punsters' eyes

Is fabled Katmandu;

Where clever men with ruthless pen,

Their passion do pursue;

Compiling lists of verbal twists,

Their labours never cease;

They spend their days amid the maze

Of fractured verbalese.

And all the while, behind their smile,

A patient game is played;

The zealots bait the trap and wait

To ply their awful trade;

As each one sits with box of Ritz,

A purposeful attacker,

His only task, to sweetly ask,

"Nepali want a cracker?"

Paranamour's Dictionary

Allege: A high rock shelf

Arson: Our daughter's brother

Author: A person who is usually write

Autobiography: A history of cars

Avowal: a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes y

Backward: Patient rooms at the rear of a hospital

Bassinet: What every fisherman wants

Belong: To take your time

Carpet: A dog who enjoys riding in a automobile

Coffee: Break Fluid

Complaint: A grief resume

Condescend: A prisoner escaping down the wall using a rope

Deduce: De lowest card in de deck

Dogma: A mother dog

Eclipse: What a gardener does to your hedge

Earthquake: A topographical error

Falsehood: Someone who pretends to be a gangster

Feast: An eat wave

Flattery: Phony express

Fission: What Huck Finn did when he played hookey

Gentle:  (1) Reproductive organ, (2) Non-Jewish

Geometry: What the acorn said when it grew up

Handicap: A ready-to-use hat

Hanging: A suspended sentence

Hari-Kari: Transporting a wig

Hunger: What the posse did to the lady rustler

Hypochondriac: A guy who won't let well enough alone

Hypothesis: What a boy says to his father on the telephone

Indecision: Under the whether

Intense: Where campers sleep

Ketchup: What the runners behind in a race want to do

Kinship: Your brother's boat

Laundress: A gown worn while sitting on the grass

Legend: The edge of a ledge

Midget: Center engine of a three-engine fast plane

Minimum: A very small mother

Nitrate: Cheapest price for calling long distance

Observatory: What Washington asked his spies to do

Pandemonium: A housing development for pandas

Paradise: Ivory cubes used in craps and backgammon

Paradox: Two physicians

Paralyze: Two untruths

Praise: Letting off esteem

Protein: (1) An advocate of teen-agers rights

         2)  Lady of the street too young to vote

Rampage: Section of a book about male sheep

Sarcasm: Quip lash

Sherbet: A tip on a horse race or sporting event

Skier: A person who jumps to contusions

Sleet: A slipcover

Stirrup: What you do with cake batter

Subsidy: A town underneath another town

Tenure: A year after nineure

Thursday: How you feel on a hot day

Unabated: A fishhook without a worm

Valorous: A big animal vit tusks vot lives in vater

Vanguard: A person who protects trucks

Violinist: A high-strung musician

Warehouse: What you ask when you're lost

Washable: What a cowboy does very carefully

Wholesale: Where a gopher goes to buy a home

Alas, I know a woman from Bangkok who is into kinky sex of the B&D variety. She is, naturally, known to her confidants as the Thai That Binds.

The Marine Base

This is a tale of tight times in the military. Because of excessive budget constraints, the military housing shortage was very, very severe. It was so terrible that the troops were forced to domicile themselves in the large kitchen pots frequently used for making gelatin desserts. How did the

Drill sergeant respond to the recruit that complained about the situation?

 "WE ALL LIVE IN A JELLO-TUB, MARINE."

The base was  quite far from civilization with the obvious

result that the troops were forced to entertain themselves. One of the more popular pastimes was

cardplaying. A large number of groups met regularly to indulge themselves. Bridge, Poker, and Gin Rummy were played, but the most popular game by far was Hearts. It happened that a few of the NCOs were not well liked by the troops. One in particular was unanimously hated. As a result, he was never invited to any of the card sessions.

When he complained to the CO, it was decided to put a stop to the whole business with the following command:

 SGT. PEPPER'S LONELY. HEARTS CLUB BANNED.

I am from Thailand. I was an English major (for my BA and first MA) I also know Spanish and French, and of course, Thai. I love to pun because it is fun.  I am now a teacher at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor,

I teach Thai. I am so glad that I know English, French and Spanish

Because those languages help me to teach Thai--believe it or not?

It is fun to make bilingual puns too.  Try and you will love it.

E.g. Fun in English = good time.

In Thai it is "teeth". So.When people say to us, "Have Fun!"

We always answer, "Of course, I will have fun, I have 32 already."

(We can sink ours into that), from

Montatip Krishnamra Brown

Ann Arbor, Michigan (USA)

You say CARmina, and I say carMINA. You say BUrana, and I say buRANA.

CARmina...carMINA...BUrana...

buRANA...

Let's Carl the whole thing Orff!

When the Chinese shepherder retired he was -- defrocked.

A question from TerryVanKeuren

What are bridges called in Washington, DC?

 Car strangled spanners.

A tall story from Kenneth P. Pulliam...

Many years ago I was fishing with a couple of friends. It was raining and the fish weren't biting. I suggested that we could have some fun  just sliding down the muddy bank into the river. One of my pals said,

"Do you think we otter?"

The sea dog was asked if he preferred sailing to spending time on the computer. The response was:

"My barque is worse than my byte.

The Ant Farm

My Uncle Dan did not appear to be much for words. Nor, was he ever seen to have friends or pets. We thought he was the primordial loner, until one time we caught him with his ant farm. He loved the creatures. He knew more about ants than I knew about the streets in our little town, and he loved to talk about them. Indeed, it was a deep and private affair, and we admired him for it. One day tragedy hit in the form of a very high wind. It blew the top off the ant farm and his creatures were gone. Practically in tears, he called me on the phone. When I asked what was wrong, he replied,

"THE ANTS ARE MY FRIENDS. THEY'RE BLOWING IN THE

WIND!"

..and so to Feb

Volume 19, Number 1

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

 Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership in the ISTPF is $125. Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Leslie Mortimer

Desktop stuff and full time critc: Rosanna Borgh

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation, Box 5040, Station A, Toronto, Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

Email address is nglbert@netcom.ca

July 1998

James Kottemann helps open the Pundit with these headlines:

•·       " British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

•·       " Red Tape Holds up New Bridge"                                     

•·       " New Vaccine May Contain Rabies "

***

A shaggy dog barked at Dick Tatten, who asks if you have heard about the  young sailor who was late returning to his ship. To punish him, the CPO ordered him to sweep "every link of the anchor chain" before morning. The sailor took a broom to the long, long

chain.  Just as he started to sweep, a tern flew over and landed on the broom handle.  The sailor shook the broom, and tried to frighten the bird, but it held on in defiance.  The tar then plucked the tern from

the broom and threw it into the air. The bird flew in a long, lazy circle and returned to the broom handle.  Again and again he threw the bird, only to have it return. Morning came, and the Chief Petty Officer asked, "What the heck have

you been doing all night? This chain is the same as it was when I left you here last night. What have you to say for yourself, sailor?"

"Sorry, chief," I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"

Reg Lee and S. Pierre Mint, were working on a new brand of chewing gum.  They argued over whether the new gum was too hard and too brittle and did not have the the right consistency. Reg said that they simply had to add more water to the 'Yewin', the primary secret ingredient."  S. Pierre eschewed his partner and said, "Mais non, Monsieur Lee,

It's not wetter Yewin that counts...it's how you ply the gum!"

***

Harry Tilden sends us this historical tale:

Long ago there was a kingdom where the King wore a brightly colored vest instead of a crown. The vest was adorned with all different colors of berries to make it beautiful.  Maintaining this vest was difficult because it needed freshening daily. His people would go into the mountains with big nets. They would throw the nets over the berry bushes, and snare the fresh berries for the King.  The people valued and honored this vest as the symbol of the throne. One day the colors on the King's vest were fading badly.  The people were asked to bring in fresh berries, but there were none to be had. The King looked very bad... so much so that he so he issued this proclamation: "A reward will be paid for those who snare enough to mend the berry vest."

***

Gary Hallock, the Punster of the Year in 1997, shares these with us.

•·       Did you hear about the cowboy who wore corduroy?  He was arrested for rustling.

•·       Apparel industry surveys show that most customers are overweight buyin' large.

•·       What do you suppose Mikhail Gorbachev has for breakfast? - Raisa 'n' bran?

•·       I know a veterinary doctor who performs autopsies on ravens to determine the caws of death.  He's an END O' CROW KNOWLEDGE-IST.

•·       The rallying cry of the striking stenographers, "We're not gonna take this line down!"

•·       The long distance Frisbie prize. - A muscular disc trophy.

•·       My old tomcat stopped "marking" his territory when he ran out of "purrfume." Hoping to get a refill, he scent for a male odor cat log.

I have an inside source, Gary tells us, in Hollywood who sends me information about some of

the new movies that are currently in production at the various film

studios.  Here are some samples:

•·       Julia Roberts and Richard Gere will star in a movie a bout a former prostitute who gets a job answering phones for a urologist.  It's called,  AN OFFICE WHORE AND A                                                GENITAL MAN.

•·       Richard Dreyfus is working again.  He plays a well dressed man who is bombarded by birds from outer space. It's called, CLOTHES    ENCOUNTERS OF THE

     TURD KIND.

•·       Barbara Streisand and Nick Nolte are working on a film about a photographer who shoots pictures of laundry detergents. The working title is PRINTS OF TIDES.

•·       Debra Winger will narrate a serious nature documentary exploring the mystery of a caribou burial ground called DEERS OF INTERMENT.

•·       In a biopic based on the life of Natalie Cole, Sissy Spacek will portray the popular singer in her very early years as she tries to live up to her father's expectations. It's called COLE'S MINOR DAUGHTER

***

Lewis W. O'Brien tells us about the man who lived in an apartment block. He thought it was raining and to check, he put his hand out of the window. A glass eye dropped into it. He looked up to see where it came from, only to see a girl looking down.

"Is this yours?" he asked.

"Yes, could you bring it up?"

He agreed. On his arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the eye ball catcher a drink.

He found her to be very attractive, so he agreed. As he drank, she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?"

He readily accepted her offer and they both enjoyed a lovely meal.

As the evening was drawing to a close the girl said, "I have had

a marvelous evening, would you like to stay the night?"

The man hesitated, then said, "Do you act like this with every man  you meet?"

"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye!"

***

Everett Young sings us these drinking puns:

•·       A duck waddles into a bar and the bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, Donny, your pants are down..."

•·       A grasshopper hops into a bar, and the bartender says " We have a drink named after you!" So the grasshopper replies, " You have a drink named Steve?"

•·       A skeleton in a bar orders, "I'd like a beer and a mop..."

•·       A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer"  he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

•·       Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Would you like a beer?     "The philosopher replies, "I think not." and POOF! He's gone.

•·       A shrimp walks into a bar, and the bartenders says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here..."

***

This next bit of verbal tomfoolery is from Australian member David Davis, who shares this wordplay that he caught in the net. David says that he saw these in the Home of  Phones section at the world wide mall:

Sign over the librarian's desk:

No talking ____  (ALLOWED/ALOUD).

"The farmer's market featured an enormous expanse of bins     containing Indian corn, and I                      wandered aimlessly through this ____MAIZE / MAZE) for nearly an hour."

"The self-conscious shipbuilder tried to recruit extremely sycophantic sailors to ____ (COMPLEMENT/COMPLI-MENT) her newly designed destroyer."

At the circus sideshow, a nude lady emerged with a grizzly on a

chain, but we looked away because we didn't want to see her ____(BARE/ BEAR).

"The undersized and timorous knight, armed only with an

aluminum sword, lacked the adequate ____ (METAL/METTLE) to face the ferocious dragon."

The eight chicken farmers jumped

in their rowing shell and put their ____ (COCKS/COX) up in front.

It is not unusual for golfers at the British Open to meet at a ____.

(TEE/TEA)

David says that he knew the ____ (RIGHT/WRITE) answers when the meanings were clear.

***

This issue ends with the request that you review the 'Bookshelf' offering of the many writings of Past Punster of the Year, Richard Lederer. A most August member of the ISTPF and World famous author and teacher..

Volume 19, Number 7

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership in the ISTPF is $125. Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Leslie Mortimer

Desktop stuff and full time critc: Rosanna Borgh

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation, Box 5040, Station A, Toronto, Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

Email address is ngilbert@netcom.ca

March 1998

Punsters Gather on a Grand Scale

We are preparing to Handel a large crowd for the Annual Dinner on Wednesday, April 1, at the Como Inn, 546 N Milwaukee Avenue in Chicago. Foundation Chairperson Joyce Heitler noted that as soon as she announced the event's musical theme, she had to staff an extra phone.

"The Liszt keeps growing," Heitler sang. "I can't Strauss how Verdi important it is to make your reservations early, particularly if you need a Block of tickets. To be Franck, I'd be Hadyn to make some people sit too far Bach." The evening will begin with cocktails at 6p.m. followed by dinner at 6:30 p.m. Throughout the evening, there will be pun games for prizes, awesome entertainment ,and the crowning of the "Punster of the Year".

Dinner, entertainment, contests and prizes are all in for $37.50 per paranamour. To reserve your place, send a cheque, payable to: Joyce Heitler

7450 N. Maplewood ,

Chicago, IL 60645.

For more information call

 (773) 973 3523.

***

Joe Dunn suggest that if you can't make both ends meet, try making one of them potatoes.

***

Time flies like an arrow, but

fruit flies like a banana.

***

Colin Bain supports the Foundation with this:

Place your truss in the hands of the Lord and he will lead you to the land of milk and hernia.

Ooh Ooh!!

"Deadpun PC humor was used in dacs.doc, a newsletter I publish for the Danbury (CT) Area Computer Society, " said Allan Ostergren, returning member.

 Here are three examples of this type of deadpun computer humor:

•·       A characterization of Bill Gates:  "nerd-do-well",

•·       Our ravenous preoccupation with ever more computer memory: "byte dogs man"

•·       A word to the wise on downloading Internet graphics:

    "beware of geeks bearing GIFs"

A Swiss village suffered an outbreak of food poisoning at a local fine fast food establishment. To warn distant villages of the danger, they went to the top of the Alps, blew into analpenhorn and wailed "eee-c-o-l-i."

***

Sharer of many Shaggy stories member Stan Kegel feeds us

 this curly tail:       

The Giant Hog

Obituary: Los Angeles Times 11/17/97. Dr. Vincent Beraid, an expert in designer genes, specialized in creating large animals for meat production.

 Dr. Bearaid's death occurred during the development of a giant hog weighing over two tons. It took almost eighty gorilla clones  to carry out the mundane daily tasks of caring for this brute.

One of the factors complicating the care of this beast was that he was afflicted with abominable halitosis. Following each meal, several of the apes had to force just over 100 Chlorets down his throat, just so that anyone could go into the lab. This was not a gag. On the day that the doctor passed away, one of the gorillas spilled these breath gum freshener tablets onto the floor. Beraid became enraged and began berating the poor ape. The other gorillas rioted and pandemonium ensued. It took more than four days before the police could enter the laboratory. And only then riding in hermetically-sealed bulldozers. Portions of Dr. Bearaid's remains were scraped  from the walls and ceilings. The apes were genetically re-programmed and farmed out to area hotels for bell-hop duties. um.

The police report summarizing the event states

"Seventy-six strong clones fed the pig Beraid, with a hundred and ten Chorets close at hand."

***

The Decision, by Stan Kegel.

Once upun a time there was a marauding giant hedgehog named Norman. Not many people knew that he did not work alone. Much of the time he was accompanied by Celeste, a giant shark. I did not realize it myself, until I spent a vacation in the Islands. Unfortunately, I just happened to pick a time when both Norman and Celeste were terrorizing the countryside. It was on this day that I went down to the beach to do some jogging and maybe even ride the waves, when I noticed a palm tree at the shore had been almost fully devoured, as if by some giant creature. I asked a native whether the tree had been destroyed by the Norman the hedgehog or by Celeste the shark. He asked me why I cared. I answered,

"IF NORMAN ATE IT, I WILL NOT RUN,

IF CELESTE DID, I WILL NOT SURF".

***

"Our neighborhood restaurant is so stingy with its wine we suggested they post small carafe warnings." Reports Bob Feinberg from just off the wagon.

***

Jim Wimberly from cyberspace sent us this (belated)

Punny Valentine:

The Farmer's Love Letter

My Sweet Potato,

Do you carrot all for me?

You are the apple of my eye

Your radish hair and turnip nose,

Make my heart beet for you,

My love for you is like onions.

 If we cantaloupe, lettuce marry,

 And we will be a happy pear!

***

Ma and Pa had a swearing contest, the scoring was close but entirely predictable, and the judges said it was Pa for the cuss.

***

Leo Munro our almost Northern- most member from Iceland steps forward to share this pun apropos of this, the third month, which is coming in like a lamb, thanks to el niño. However, we do dread the el lion type exit that the meteorological prognosticators say will be going on as March goes out. Enough of the weather, let us heed here Leo's warning as he says, "Be on the look out, friends for the enemy which shows up every War God month. She is known by the mortal name, Marjorie Swayed. She is roaming around selling inferior sheepskins, substandard calfskins, and pony skins, so ill-produced that they cannot be cured.

Beware the hides of Marge, seize her."

***

Is a topseller an oxymoron?

Dave Tozier, self acclaimed impish iconoclast, and pixyish punster, offers this definition of an oxymoron: "A figure of speech consisting of that form of antithesis in which, for emphasis or in an epigram, contradictory terms are brought sharply together, as in the phrase 'O heavy lightness, serious vanity!'

..Or as it is defined in the New Webster's Comprehensive Dictionary; "A combination of contradictory or incongruous words. These examples seem to intersperse "true " oxymorons with "Political" satire.

•·       Never generalize

•·       A little big

•·       Accurate stereotype

•·       Act naturally

•·       Almost exactly

•·       Budget deficit

•·       Casual intimacy

•·       Friendly competitor

•·       Fresh frozen

•·       Fuzzy logic

•·       Genuine imitation

•·       Mutually exclusive

•·       Passive aggression

•·       Plastic glasses

•·       Anarchy rules

•·       Free with purchase

•·       Thank G-d I'm an atheist

•·       Business ethics

•·       Central Intelligence Agency

•·       Decent lawyer

•·       Journalustic accuracy

•·       Religious tolerance

•·       Reasonable female

•·       Sensitive male

•·       Understanding banker

•·       War games

And to end, Dave says he is studying Beginning Finnish.

***

Anita Moravec Gard has been guarding her entrees to The Pundit but once again adds these specials of the day for our digestion.

•·       My psychiatrist won a grammy for best new music genre - it's called 'shrink rap'.

•·       In Vienna, Austria, you can study mime and belly-dancing from the lip-synchers at the Spanish Writhing School.

•·       CIA frogmen specialize in croak-and-dagger operations.

•·       When the truck driver realized his accelerator was stuck, he exclaimed, 'Diesel be the day that I die!'

***

..and so, to the showers.

Volume 19, Number 3

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

 Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership in the ISTPF is $125. Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Leslie Mortimer

Desktop stuff and full time critc: Rosanna Borgh

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation, Box 5040, Station A, Toronto, Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

Email address is nglbert@netcom.ca

May 1998

We open this month with a Birthday wish for the World and to John Crosbie, founder of the 'International Save the Pun Foundation' who decreed that we should celebrate May 1^st as the date that the World as we know it, began. So, as the little bunny said to the first robin of spring, and her two sheep friends, "Hoppy birdy two ewes!"

***

Stan Kegel, who is among the ISTPF's 'top puns' sends us these shareables:

The Surrealist

A pharmacist is credited with saving the career of surrealist painter, Salvador Dali. It seems that the artist accidentally poured boiling water on his drawing hand and immediately sought help.

"What is the name of that medicinal plant that is so good to treat burns?"

"That's Aloe, Dali." (And what did Laurel say to Hardy when he heard this tale? "That's ... a load, Ollie!")

***

Samuel Goldwyn, the movie mogul who founded Goldwyn Productions and Metro-Goldwyn-Meyer was known for his misuse of the English language.

Here are some of Stan's favorites.

•v An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

•v Any man who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

•v In two words, impossible.

•v Include me out

•v I don't care if it (his new picture) doesn't make a nickel. I just want every man woman and child in America to see it.

•v When Goldwyn's secretary asked him if she should destroy files that were more than ten years old, he answered, "Yes, but keep copies."

•v When told he couldn't film Radclyffe Hall's "The Well of Loneliness" because it dealt with lesbians, he replied, "All right, where they got lesbians, we'll use Austrians."

•v I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I'm never wrong.

•v Tell them (the actors) to stand closer apart.

•v "If I were in this business only for the business, I wouldn't be in this business."

•v You fail to overlook the crucial point.

•v For your information, just answer me one question!

•v It's absolutely impossible, but it has possibilities.

•v Put it out of your mind. In no time, it will be a forgotten memory.

•v Go see that turkey for yourself, and see for yourself why you shouldn't see it.

•v Can she sing? She's practically a Florence Nightingale.

•v Give me a couple of years and I'll make that actress an overnight success."

•v True, I've been a long time making up my mind, but now I'm giving you a definite answer. I won't say yes and I won't say no--but I'm giving you a definite maybe.

***

Jon Nigrine tells us this true story.

My dad asked me what I wanted for Christmas.  I told him, "a circular saw."

Without missing a beat he said, "How 'bout 'a rose is a rose is a rose'..."

***

Computer miscue

Messages communicate

Via a HAIKU.(they may look like these)

Three things are for sure:

Death, taxes, and lost data.

Guess which has a cur.

A file, that big one?

It might be very useful.

But now it is gone.

Windows NT crashed.

I am the Blue Screen of Death.

My screams are abashed

Errors have occurred.

We won't tell you where or why.

That is absurd.

The code was willing,

It considered your request,

But the chips were weak.

Serious error.

All shortcuts have disappeared

Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Printer not ready.

Could be a fatal error.

Have a pen handy?

To have no errors

Would be life without meaning

No struggle, no joy.

***

Kirk Miller asks for space to follow-up on the Van Gogh list of relatives.

His obnoxious brother...Please

His dizzy aunt...Verti

His Uncle who ate prunes...   Gotta

His cousin from Illinois...Chica

His magician uncle...Wherediddy

His Mexican cousin......Amy

His aunt the ballroom dancer...Tan

A sister who loved disco.....Ahgo

And finally his niece who travels the country in a van.... Winnie Bay.

The old man packed up his tools and headed home, head bowed and shoulders stooped.  The whistle was gone and no longer was there a spring in his step.  A walk that normally took 15 minutes seemed to last forever.  But finally the old shack came into view, and there was Mace in the distance, munching away as usual on the lawn.

 When the dog saw his master, he came running, tail wagging, telling the old man how glad he was to see him.  Kneeling beside the hound, the man began to pet him, and through tear-filled eyes told the dog that there would be no supper tonight and no food for tomorrow. What's more,  without money to buy a new wrench, he had no idea what the future held. It was the loneliest, most helpless feeling he ever had!

Then he caught a glimpse of something shining in the grass.  As the old man went over to see what this piece of shining material was, his despair turned in an instant to joy!  It was the wrench!  The old man had dropped it on his way out that morning, and it would have been lost forever had Mace not been eating farther away from the house than he usually did!  The old man grabbed the dog, gave him a hug that almost  suffocated him, and ran into the house.  Reaching for a stub of pencil and the only piece of paper he had, he wrote a moving tribute to his canine companion.

Few people have ever heard these words...until now, that is.  One man who did happen to read them changed them a bit and has his name recorded in music history.  The old man never did get the credit he deserved. But now you are privileged to read the beginning line of his original poem, which went:

"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me."

***

My mother drove a steamroller for a living.  She did extremely well. I

remember her always saying to her unemployed suitors,

"Flattery will get you everywhere".

***

Meanwhile, back at the party, the guests mingled and put on their, "hello my name is."  tags;

Avery.. I raise birds.

Cliff.. I'm a mountaineer.

Sherry.. I'm a wine-master.

Cary.. I'm a porter.

Barry..I'm an undertaker.

Mercedes..I sell cars.

Abbie..I'm a Mother Superior.

Belle..I play the carillon.

Jack.. I'm a banker.

Betty.. I'm a croupier.

Leo..I train lions.

Otto.. I'm a car mechanic.

Harold.. I'm a messenger.

Ray.. I'm a roentgenologist.

Frank.. the Hot-Dog vendor

Shelly.. I'm an expert on mollusks

Rich.. A successful investment banker.

Brooks..I'm an irrrigation consultant.

Tom.. I breed cats.

Lute.. I'm a musician.

Telly..A gossip columnist

Victor.. I'm a winner in everything I do.

***

With the hockey playoffs in full swing we turn to member Alan B. Combs for this sports ditty;

Anaheim Mighty Duck superstar Teemu Selanne's father had never seen him play professional hockey. Teemu was thrilled that his Dad came to visit him recently and to take in a game or two. In honor of the occasion, his good friend, Mikhil Shtalenkov, arranged a special banquet at the local Scandinavian restaurant, "Gustav Anders", where noted chef, Anders Strandberg, prepared a gourmet dinner of the Selannes' favorite Finnish

dishes. In addition to the entire Mighty Ducks team and staff, Disney and Orange County dignitaries attended, with the entire tab being picked up by the Duck goalie. It was a huge success. The Orange County Register reported the next day that it was certainly a dinner worthy of,

"The father, the son and the goalie host."

***

What's the difference between a bird with one wing and a bird with two wings?

I guess it's just a matter of a pinion.

***

If France were to take over Gibraltar, France would call it de Gaulle Stone.

***

A tailor thought it fitting to take his young son into his very suitable business. Taylor Jr. didn't think very much of the idea, but what father wants,

father often gets. Jr. did fine learning the trade. He understood the material things; the cutting, the fitting; all in all he measured up quite well. However, try as he might, he could not master sewing. Whenever he did try his hand in it, his father scolded him, said it was improperly done. "Undo it and try again." Lots of thread was wasted. So much so that Sr. tried a new tack, saying kind words instead of the harsh ones. Alas to no avail. One day, in frustration, the father said:

"Spools rush in where wise mends fear to thread."

"I hate to go to China with my boss.  He will drive me up the wall.

"My friend is color blind.

He thinks he is blue blooded!"

***

At the Annual Pun Dinner on April 1^st. Poty Gregg Opelka, told us that he had overheard this conversation,

"I can't believe he did it right in the Oval office."

"You know, he doesn't consider the shape to be an oval and in addition, he did not think it was a sexual relationship, and that it's only an oval office if you do it there with a small breasted female undercover agent."

"What?"

"Don't you see?

 It's never oval 'til the flat lady stings."

***

Frank Paine, on the electronic highway says,"I don't remember now how I first discovered it, but I have become a daily visitor to the International Save the Pun web site, www.punpunpun.com. I have a meager citation of pun-ishment for you:

'Stopping at a stop light is a light wait thing to do'."

***

So, how are we June?

Volume 19, Number 5

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

 Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership in the ISTPF is $125. Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Leslie Mortimer

Desktop stuff and full time critc: Rosanna Borgh

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation, Box 5040, Station A, Toronto, Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

Email address is nglbert@netcom.ca

November 1998

"Marc "Kodiak" LeJarett enlightens us with this opuning for November.

"I have come to the understanding, that I will only be graced on rare occasions with true understanding of the universe around me and how I fit in.

In fact, it's satori of my life." Zen I say, "Let's continue".

***

Sue "Pundora" Lumia of Massapequa Park, NY says, "I actually like Greek food!" and fills us in with this:

" I just ate some Greek food and I felafel.  In fact, I'm souvlaki to

be alive!  (I probably shouldn't have eaten olive it).  'You're going to

live!' was moussaka to my ears.  I thought it was thyme to return to my

hummus beginnings, to pita out.  I found it hard taboulieve.  Never again

will I allow myself to be feta meal like that!"

Then she adds to this charming tale with this bit of repartee,  a bit of correspondence between a punny old friend of hers and her:

"You may think me deminted, but I'm on the Brinks of more banking

puns.  But I'll play it safe and seal my mouth in cash you now feel

overdrawn.  (But you can bounce back later!  I'll keep checking on you...)"

"I spent the balance of last night depositing my puns on this note," answered Bob. "My interest peaked as I checked the collection of things I'd been saving to do endorse as opposed to outdoors. Later, having felt a draft, I thought it safer to withdraw myself, put my assets on the bed and bank down for a long overdue nap.  Not being able to sleep, I picked up my pennycil and began to sketch for hours. Soon I was spent, fast asleep. I must have been overdrawn." In foreclosing, I trust you will agree this note makes a bold statement,  $ue ends it and asks if we can find some prime puns in this note?  We do find them interesting!

***

Varsha Gandhe explains the modern day equivalent of "nose-to-grindstone" phrase would be leading a "hand-to-mouse-existence.

***

The crazy man got through the forest when he took the psychopath.

***

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.

Today's Stock Market Report:

•·       Helium was up, feathers were down.  Paper was stationary.

•·       Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

•·       Knives were up sharply.

•·       Cows steered into a bull market.

•·       Pencils lost a few points.

•·       Hiking equipment was trailing.

•·       Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

•·       Weights were up in heavy trading.

•·       Light switches were off.

•·       Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

•·       Diapers remained unchanged.

•·       Shipping lines stayed on an even keel.

•·       The market for raisins dried up.

•·       Coca Cola fizzled.

•·       Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

•·       Sun peaked at midday.

•·       Balloon prices were inflated.

•·       Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

•·       And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

***

How do you spell www.com? Ever since the World Wide Web wove its magic, on us, the ISTPF has become electronically international. So much so that we have extended our membership from Alaska and Zimbabwe, as has been the case for these many years, to even further climes. Mount Everest is one of these. Here is an example of a new relationship with a group of paranamours called PUNY. They are a people who pun on the net via email. They invite new members, whose only requisite is that they love the games of words. Here is a sampling of some of the things found in the PUNY. This is a riddle chain that Gary Hallock Punster of the Year 1997 created. Simply, a PUNY person poses a pun riddle. It goes out to all of the listees, and they in turn answer the riddle. The answerer then poses another. The chain continues to link up until it has gone full circle. Stan Kegel,  ISTPFmember and PUNY person  thought that we would enjoy the game. Let us begin.

(The answers are elsewhere in this issue.)

1.What kind of doctor is available 24 hours a day?

2. What single word might you say to Bo Derek that would really piss her off?

3. .Why do parents of 5 identical siblings find it inexpensive to travel by commercial airlines?

4. When the Post Office delivers only some of your packages, the service they have just provided is . . .?

5. What reference book would a junkie consult to research the symptoms of his drug dependency?

6. What famous operatic tenor invented the sugar pill?

7. What is the euphemism used to describe a school of dance that goes

out of business?

8. What do you call someone who has studied to become an expert on highway construction?

***

Izzy (Israel) Cohen has joined the Pundit contributors. And submits this "Lexicon of Inconspicuously Ambiguous Recommendations" (LIAR).

LIAR is a collection of double-entendres that originated in Pennsylvania and came via Tel Aviv. Here is an example. You are called upon for an opinion of a friend who is extremely lazy. You don't want to lie, but you also don't want to risk losing even a lazy friend. "In my opinion," you say as sincerely as you can manage,

"You will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you."

The following gems of double-meaning are the creation of Robert Thornton, a

Professor of Economics at Lehigh University in Bethlehem, PA.

Thornton was frustrated about an occupational hazard for teachers that of having to write letters of recommendation for people with dubious

Qualifications- so he put together an arsenal of statements that can

be read two ways.

LIAR may be used to offer a negative opinion of the personal qualities,

work habits or motivation of the candidate while allowing the

candidate to believe that it is high praise,

•·        To describe a person who is totally inept: I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever. 

•·       To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow

workers: I am  pleased to say that                  this candidate is a former colleague of mine.

•·       To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be

better left unfilled:  I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.

•·       To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration: I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.

•·       To describe a person with lackluster credentials: All in all, I cannot

say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.

***

A High Court judge apologized to the lawyers in his court: he had inadvertently left a crucial document at his weekend cottage, and would have to go down there to fetch it.  One of the lawyers present suggested helpfully,

"Fax it up, m'lud."

The judge replied "Yes, I'm afraid it does, rather.

***

Here are some outward thoughts that I thought you could think out since they are plays on words.

•·        I just got lost in thought.  It was unfamiliar territory.

•·       Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some just don't have film.

•·       Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.

•·       A day without sunshine is like, night.

•·       On the other hand, you have different fingers.

•·       When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

•·       I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

•·       I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

•·       Honk if you love peace and quiet.

•·       Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

•·       It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

•·        The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

•·       I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

•·       I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

***

Here are some leftovers that we found in the Halloween bag of tricks and treats

•·       Angry witches don't like to ride their brooms when they're angry because they have a fear of flying off the handle.

•·       Why is it that nobody wins the Miss Skeleton beauty pageant?

•·       Before eating at the skeleton's house you will be wished a "Bone appetite!"  The main curse, Ghost-Toasties and for dessert, Ice Scream.

•·       Baby ghosts go to the day-scare centers when their parents are out haunting for work.

•·       We understand that the bride of Frankenstein was his ghoul friend for long time.

•·       Witches put scare spray on their hair!

•·        What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack? Count Duckula.

•·       The little ghost's rock collection consisted of Tombstones.

•·       The witch's favorite subject in school is Spelling

•·       Count Dracula water skis on Lake Erie, being towed by a blood vessel, while the Mummie swims on the Dead Sea.

•·       First you divide the circumference of the Jack o lantern by the diameter and you get Pumpkin PI .

•·       Demons are a ghoul's best friend!

•·       The guy couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist so he was repossessed.

This is where elsewhere is and here are the answers.

•1.       An On-callogist.

•2.       Urinate.

•3.       Most airlines have free quint flyer programs.

•4.       Partial post.

•5.       A dictionary.

•6.       Placebo Domingo.

•7.       They went ballet up.

•8.       A Roads Scholar.

***

Let's review the book offerings we've made recently with a view to thoughts on giving gifts that last forever.

There was "Hot Dog and Other Stupid Poems", an octagonal collection of puns and puntoons.

Mack Rowe's book, Puntoons...tons of puns, is on our list of good fun and puns. A coupun for this one is enclosed.

Richard Lederer's complete list of books, including his.."greatest and latest work," The Word Circus. (A teaser coupon for this book was in with last month's Pundit. Here too, is an coupun for you to use to get your copy of this and all of the available books by Richard.

One more commercial, and that is to suggest a gift of a membership in the International Save the Pun Foundation.

Until December then.    

Volume 19, November 1998

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership in the ISTPF is $125. Life embership includes 5 years of the Pundit.

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Desktop stuff and full time critic: Rosanna Borgh

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation, Box 5040, Station A, Toronto, Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

Email address is mailto:ngilbert@netcom.com .

On the web @ www.punpunpun.com

October 1998

Mined in the gutter,

Sex photos revolt me so

They make me shutter!

***

Peter Burch tells us that one of his favorite sayings is a Canadian political pun, and he elected to submit it here. It goes; "Being Liberal is never having to say you're Tory."

***

Warren Allen says,

"The Galileo space probe is turning out to be an Io-pening experience."

***

Sharks like to eat fish and ships.

***

He was hit by a stray golf shot. Our hero, in obvious pain, screamed, at the shooter,

"I'll sue you for five million dollars."

"I yelled fore!" he shot back.

"I'll take it," said the hittee.

***

Success is relative.

The more success, the more relatives.

Armageddon is the last day of the weak.

***

Wilf Grignon, member of the staff of the Hilborn Group, which publishes the Pundit, came out of the jungle with this story.

A lion gulped down seven missionaries, each of a different denomination. Soon after, the king of beasts felt relief from his guilt. He had an ecumenical movement.

***

Two hypochondriacs, vying for the the position of most ailed, decided that it was time to have a hurt to hurt talk.

***

Forestry is a poplar branch of science.

***

Just yesterday I was in an elevator where a television set was perched on the wall showing the 'news' of the day.

I thought, "What a grape idea! You can stay currant while raisin your level."

***

What's the difference between a snake and a goose?

A snake is an asp in the grass.

***

The earnings you get from an oil well are a crude income.

***

Two men were working on a new brand of gum. They argued that it was too hard, too brittle and didn't have the right consistency. Reg L. Lee suggested that it was simple. Just add more liquid to their secret ingredient, code-named 'Yewin'.

Dan Theyne eschewed him out, "No, No, No!

It's not wetter Yewin that counts...it's how you ply the gum!"

***

Seen on the letterhead of the United Way, "Give until it hurts.

It's the fund thing to do."

***

The Bible tells us that

Eve was nigh Adam.

Adam was naive.

***

"My brother has gone to watch the U.S. Open.

"I didn't know Uncle Al liked that game."

"Ah yes, many is the time I've heard Alfred laud tennis son!"

(You have to love it don't you?)

***

One of General Motors' employees decided to get away from the picket lines and take a holiday in Dannette a own in France. He saw that the local bank's armoured truck was being robbed. He reached for his gun and began shooting at the robbers.

Sad to report, his only hit was to mortally wound Dannette's medical examiner.

The headlines read,

"Striker fired a shot past the gold keeper into the coroner of Dannette."

***

Aisle, Altar, Hymn, thought the bride as she entered the church.

***

The marriage begins the morning after the knot before.

***

While at the Spice Girls' concert, we overheard this tasty bit, "Excuse me," said Basil to Rosemary sagely, "do you have the thyme?"

***

Still at the concert and watching the Spice Girls go through their gyrations reminds us of that other famous British rock group,

The Rolling Sterns.

***

"Is anything worn under your kilt?" she asked.

"No, it's all in working order," he answered as his aye brows raised.

An old maid is one who will only go so far and no fervor.

***

The graffiti on the wall in the ladies' room is called

Squatters' writes.

***

Choosing who goes first in a Mexican bar;

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor;

***

In a book, written especially for those watching their caloric intake, the author says,

"These recipes will take your breadth away."

***

Gary Hallock, Punster of the Year for 1997, whose puns are never simple sends this symbol pun.

Ba Au H2O; "A Funeral in Arizona"

***

Viagra is Pfizer's contribution to medical advancement.

That is, to go from the healing of the sick, to the raising of the dead.

***

The sign over the door into the examining room in the Gynecologist's office reads,

"Cervix Centre."

A woman's word is never done.

***

"Do you understand the importance of punctuation?" admonished Dr. English.

"Have you ever known me to be late?" Replied Al W.A.A.Tardy.

***

The headlines read,

"KOHL OUSTED."

It's obvious that the German electors did not know that,

"There's no fuel like an old fuel."

***

James M. Hotchkiss, Jr. a member from California, tells us that he's been studying biblical history. "Sibling warfare was evident then with traditional weapons." He says: I read in the Old Testament about a boy's brother being disabled by the Cain.

***

Lisa Thompson of Hallam, PA has taken license, and she deciphers these many vanity plates seen on and around the highways and by- ways that she's driven over over the last year;

I RIGHT I

Seen in NJ, it kinda hits you right between the eyes.

RUD14ME

"I hope so", she said in N.C.

HAHAHAHA

There is a lot of mirth in NY.

XQQSME

They are polite in Mass.

AXN28 D+

They are always positive in N.C.

H20-U-UP-2

And we'd like to know.

TI-3VOM

For now we'll have to move it as they've asked us to do in the "Show Me State" of Mo.

***

Weddings work this way.

You go to adore.

You ring a belle.

You give your name to a maid.

And then you're taken in.

***

A drunk staggered into a funeral parlor and asked for a  stiff drink.

When the undertaker explained where he was, the imbiber said,

"In that case, I'll have a bier."

***

KAISER BIER is the brew of the Osterreichische Brau-Tradition. Our very own Mr. Harper found this coaster in Austria;

SHAKES-BIER

Two Bier or not two Bier?

Das ist hier die Frage.

***

Dancing cheek to cheek is really a form of floor play.

***

October ends on a spooky note. Would that be boo flat, or see sharp? Keeping in tune with that here are some hollow, e'en profound statements of the night.

Haunted chickens are poultry-geists

A ghostly error is a booboo.

The specter's favourite play is Romeo and Ghouliet.

***

 It seems like only 10 months ago that we were putting together the list of The Ten Best Stressed Puns of 1997. Have you thought about your favorites of 1998? Let us know which of the many punderful plays on words that have graced these pages and others too, that you feel should be in this year's top ten.

***

Our 1989 POTY, Richard Lederer, has been called "ringmaster of the greatest word circus on earth..." by none other then Lewis Frumkes author of The Logophile's Orgy: Favorite Words of Famous People. We have added this new Rich offer to our book list, and ask you to consider Dr. Lederer's new book, "The Word Circus" as a possible answer on your list of gifts.

Until November then.

Volume 19, Number 10

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership in the ISTPF is $125. Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Desktop stuff and full time critic: Rosanna Borgh

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation, Box 5040, Station A, Toronto, Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

Email address is ngilbert@netcom.com .

On the web @ www.punpunpun.com

September 1998

My computer hasn't been working well lately; Windows is such a pane!

***

Warren Allen suggests that we try to avoid living in any of these apartments:         

         In K9 because it's a dog's life;

         In 1A because it's too drafty; or

         In L8 because you'll never get there on time; and lastly, in B9 (well, it's better than being malignant).

As for the weather, Warren reports that: We now have hurricane Bonnie and tropical storm Charley.  What a          Princely combination, and they are both "reigning."

***

The last meal on the Titanic on that fateful night in April 1912 showed up on the menu as:

          Iceberg lettuce

          Leeks

          Sanka coffee (drip-brewed)

          Watercress and

          (D) round steak         

          And the toast was: "Bottoms up!"

Chris Plehal tells us that a group of friends and he were eating breakfast one morning when someone declared that they disliked the pulp in their orange juice.  Someone else claimed that the pulp was the best part and the two became engaged in a fiery debate.  It seemed to me that we had a lot of pulp friction going on.

***

Could these malapropisms be arbitrated to Yogi Berra?

" I tried to discuss it with him in all

seriosity but he would not stick

to the point and kept going off on

a tandem"

In talking with a single fellow about

wedded bliss he said " I tell you,

Yogi, until you're married, you just

have no conception"

***

"Well I finally took the plunge."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm apprenticing as a plumber. I was tapped out in my business, took a bath on my investments, and it was either get a job or sink."

"So, how's the new job?"

"Even though I'm screwing everything up, they're showering me with praises. I think that everything I do is in the toilet. The work is too heavy. I'm opting for something lighter. I've made application to an electrical outfit, and hopefully they'll be plugged in to my resume. I'll be shocked if I don't get a wire of acceptance or watt ever."

"You are going to be an electrician?"

"No, I saw what wood happen if I volted into it too quickly, so after much thought, I have decided to work in a bawdy shop. I shall be a car painter."

"Well, I think that's a colourful idea."

"The first thing I did was put on two coats, like I was told, but it was much too hot in the shop. Then the boss told me to paint the Porsche. I went out back and spent the afternoon putting colour on the veranda. Well needless to say I'm out of work again."

"What's going to happen to you?"

"Well fair enough. I'm reading the wanton ad, that's the personal columns, and maybe, just maybe, there will be a position I can handle myself. Just think, I'll be the master. Better that than working for someone else. Imagine I'd be my own boss. Then I'll retire."

"Still working on cars, eh?

"No, no, no, I'm leaving the work force and I'm going to take a punsion.

I shall become famous for having travailed the word."

***

A book on voyeurism is a peaking tome.

A turkey from China is a Peking Tom, and Warren Allen says, "If that Chinese turkey gives you indigestion, might you follow it with some Peking Tums?

***

Seymour Kapetansky writes:

A nudist was expelled from camp for dressing his salad.

An egotist is one who thinks that what he doesn't know aren't worth knowing.

Teens: The age of resent.

Spendthrift's sin: squanderlust.

ER: Gurney journey.

***

You really feel you're growing older,

And nothing can be sadder,

When B & B's

Not Bed & Breakfast,

But rather Bowel & Bladder.

Platonic love: Mind over mattress.

***

You can tell a book by its author!

French Population...by Francis Crowded

Downpour!...by Wayne Dwops

Cloning...by Ima Dubble

Irish Flooring...by Lynn O'Leum

Handel's Messiah...by Ollie Luyah

Personal House Construction...by

Bill Jerome Home

Unemployed...by Anita Job

Off to Market...by Tobias A. Pigg

Holmes Does it Again...by Scott Linyard Home Alone IV...by Eddie Buddyhome

Carroll...by Alison Wonderland

Leo Tolstoy...by Warren Peace

Neither Borrower... by Nora Lender Bee

Chef...by Sue Flay

Tight Situation...by Leah Tard

Why Cars Stop...by M. T. Tank

Wind in the Willows...by

Russell Ingleaves

Look Younger...by Fay Slift

Mountain Climbing...by Andover Hand

It's Springtime!...by Theresa Green

No!...by Kurt Reply

***

Last year, the U.S. Congress was planning to send a delegation to Hong Kong to take part in the welcoming ceremony for the world's championship table tennis players. Two members of the delegation, Senator Spong of Colorado and Senator Bong of Hawaii, proposed a bill to recommend that all church bells in Hong Kong be rung as a part of the celebration. Unfortunately, the bill did not get out of committee so the legislators were denied the chance to vote on it. By the way, the bill was called,"The Spong-Bong Hong Kong ding dong ping pong bell bill."

Then Sylvia J. Siebel of Beloit Wi. Cut this piece out of the Beloit Daily News, "When some doctors were asked to contribute to the construction of a new wing at a hospital:

The allergists voted to scratch it, the dermatologists preferred no rash moves, the gastroenterologists said they didn't have a gut feel for it, the microsurgeons were thinking along the same vein, the neurologists thought that the administration had a lot of nerve, the obstetricians stated that they were laboring under a misconception, the opthamologists considered the idea short sighted, the orthopedists issued a joint resolution, the parasitologists said, "Well, if you encyst." The pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!", The pediatricians said, "Grow up!", the proctologists said that they were already in arrears, the psychiatrists thought it was all madness, the radiologists could see right through it, the internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow, the plastic surgeons said it would put a whole new face on the matter, the podiatrists thought it would be a big step forward, the urologists though felt the scheme would not hold water, the anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no, the otologists could not listen anymore, and finally the surgeons just washed their hands of the whole thing. Needless to say the,  idea of contributing to a new wing did not fly.

***

Let us go back downunder to the home of David Davis and continue to get more of his meaning-filled homonyms.

Although many residents made most of their purchases from pushcarts in the neighborhood, David decided to

buy some note cards at a ___ store.

(STATIONARY/STATIONERY)

In his latest promotional

campaign, the manager of City Tent and Awning told his crew to

___ the entire area. (CANVAS/CANVASS)

When asked by a Health Department official to describe the

mess he saw on the slaughterhouse floor, the USDA inspector

replied, "It was just ___." (AWFUL/OFFAL)

Knowing that more guests would mean more gifts, the materialistic bride-to-be

ended each invitation with "I look forward to your ___ at my

wedding." (PRESENCE/PRESENTS)

Throughout the centuries,

the Buddhist herdsmen of Peru have followed their___

religiously. (LAMAS/LLAMAS)

"Lobotomy is ___ ___ of

mind." (HAVING PEACE/HALVING PIECE)

One item contributed was a picture of a pretty, kimono-clad girl;

it bore the inscription: "___ in Japan". (MADE/MAID)

 Another donation was a decorative granite block; it was a ___

paper weight. (GNEISS/NICE)

After Jimmy swallowed a live earthworm, he sat waiting with

___ breath to see if he'd get sick. (BATED/BAITED)

Nearing the end of his sentence, the convicted Wall Street

wizard, feeling both oddly safe in his spartan confinement but not

quite penitent for his overzealous trading misdeeds, feared and

anticipated his release, nightly dreaming of his long cherished

hard ___. (SELL/CELL)

After my train whizzed by vista after vista with hundreds of

sheep grazing in fields of flowers, I couldn't help wondering how

many ___ I had seen. (PHLOX/FLOCKS)

I was excited about the

broiled spinach until I found out it was ___.

(CHARD/CHARRED)

Although he perfected his comic routines on the mainland, his

best audiences were in the ___. (ISLES/AISLES)

 Geoffrey is working as an ___ in our yearbook division.

(ANNALIST/ANALYST)

 If you want those ashes, you'll have

to ___ them. (EARN/URN)

Cheating on a test can put honorable students in conflict with

their ___. (PRINCIPLES/PRINCIPALS)

 Dorothy and Toto found to their horror that tornadoes really could ___ a

house. (RAISE/RAZE)

The rude swine who devised this dull game is a ___.

(BOOR/BOAR/BORE).

***

Here are some questions asked by a member from Utica who wishes to remain an honor mouse. So, we herewith honor your request for an unnamed witticism:

Why did the plumber retire?

He wanted a new leak on life.

How did it happen that John Adam's son also became a U.S. president ?

It was a Quincy dence.

***

Are practical jokes "pranks for the memory?"

***

A humble person never blows his knows in public.

***

It is it not too soon to start thinking about your list of gift giving ideas. Richard Lederer, has given us the complete list of his books for offering to our membership. Naturally the proceeds of your purchases will go to further the work of the ISTPF. A "coupon" is enclosed here for your convenience.

***

Volume 19, Number 9

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership in the ISTPF is $125. Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Desktop stuff and full time critc: Rosanna Borgh

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation, Box 5040, Station A, Toronto, Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

Email address is ngilbert@netcom.com

On the web @ WWW.PUNPUNPUN.COM

April 1998

I have just returned from Chicago. As enthusiastic as I have been about wordplay up to now, attending the Annual Dinner has given me a new and greater enthusiasm for the Pun and its wonderful place in language.

Joyce Heitler, chairman of the dinner, was a star that night. Everyone else in attendance, was a part of her universe. Visual Puns appeared seen everywhere. Joyce had an interesting drawing on her thumb and it was called a thumbnail sketch.

..Other seepuns? One diner carried a box of Wheaties with a Bowie knife stuck in it, "That's a cereal killer," he said. Another had a Mexican Airline liquor bottle attached to a small laughing fowl. "This is Tequila Mockingbird." Hard of herring was one paranamour who held a can of fish up to his ear.

Gregg Opelka, newly elected Punster of the Year, had tea bags attached to his tie. "It's the Titanic."

...and that was just the beginning of a pun -filled night of music (the theme for the dinner), games, wordplay, and a camaraderie that  had language as its common bond. If it is at all possible, plan to attend the Annual Dinner for International Save the Pun Foundation next April 1^st.  It's a thirsty.

***  

Punster  of the Year, affectionately called the POTY is GREGG OPELKA. Gregg is a number one paranamour, and a composer-lyricist- arranger- pianist. He showed the attendees why he is the POTY. He and three members of his troop gave us a few renditions of his renderings, as they sang and punned from his original musicals.

His first offering was a singing satire that was called, 'That's Puntertainment.' The list of Gregg's work is a real mirthful, and here is just a small taste:

•·       Monkey Business. A monastery tale that has  been performed in 25 states, beginning in Galveston TX in 1995.

•·       Monkey Business II: Back in the Sandals Again (first showing in Cornwell, MI on March 28, 1998.)

•·       Soup du Jour, (first appeared on the venues  in Chicago in April 1997)

•·       Hotel d'Amour, filled the rooms in Buffalo in 1993, and in 1997 in Magadan Russia.

•·       The Three Musketeers showed up in 1992 at the Omsk Musical Theatre. And again in Yekaterinburg (Academic Theater of Musical Comedy),   Russia, November, 1993, and it's still runnung there.

•·       Charlie's Oasis had its beginning at the New Tuner's Theatre, Chicago in 1990. It can be found by anyone thirsting for entertainment in many productions around the USA.

•·       Sugar (orchestrations for Khabarovsk Musical Theater,  Russia,  in June 1994; Gregg arranged for and conducted the orchestra of 30)

•·       The Sum of Us (wrote, arranged, and recorded original incidental music for 1992 Pegasus

•·       Original songs; Cicada Lover, Iron Mike, Me and My H.P., heard on national radio.

•·       English lyrics for 3 foreign operettas at Light Opera Works: The Chocolate Soldier (1987, remounted 1998), A Waltz bream (1991), The Duchess of Chicago (1998). His version of Soldier has had many productions by opera/operetta companies since 1987.

•·       Music direction and teaching

Apple Tree Theater, Briar Street Theater, Different Drummer Theater, Khabarovsk Music Theater (Russia), Music Theater of Omsk (Russia), National Jewish Theater, New Tuners Theater, Tommy Gunn's Garage. Part-time faculty, Roosevelt University, Performing Arts Department

(l991--l997).

•·       Music Director/Pianist, Tommy Gunn's Garage, Chicago

•·       BA, Lawrence University, Appleton, WI, MA, University of Michigan, Ann Arbor. Jazz improvisation and theory at the wain Studio, Evanston IL. Gregg is fluent in Russian.

Gregg is the third of nine  children (five boys, four girls); his proud parents are Duckie and Greg. He was born and bred in Chicago; he lived on the south side until  he was seven years old and then they all moved  to the  north suburb of Glenview.

Gregg worked for three years in the savings & loan with his father and then he decided it would be best for the economy if he left the banking business. He met his wife, a former folk dancer, Tatiana Chaika while working in Omsk, Siberia in 1992. They were married on  December. 17, 1993 and have one stepdaughter (Lena), one stepson (Alexandr); and two step grandkids (Katya and Sasha). Whew! We welcome and congratulate you Gregg, as the Punster of the Year 1998. Long may you rain, as you precipitate over 1998.

***

As the blacksmith said, It would behoove you to plan to attend the 1999 dinner and witness the brilliance of Gregg in person.

                          ***

JoeDunn comments that, "If venetian blinds hadn't been invented, it would be curtains for us all!"

***

Vincent Voelz spoon-fed this one to the Pundit,

"I wonder if I should turn my pancakes over," Tom said flippantly.

***

The threat of nuclear war was imminent. It all began when cavemen figured out what a 'spear' meant. If the stick wasn't hard when they threw it, it would have to be  ''wriggly'.

The big Brotha newsman pleaded with his sibbling, " no cry, sis." He was averted, the No bull piece prize. This may not have been  fun to read, but you know what they say;

" War is hell,  Punning is Verse".

***

Definition:  "A well Hungarian" is a man who hails from Germany, lives in Budapest, and enjoys good health.

***

Jedi Holiday

Did you know that the Jedi knights celebrate a holiday much the same as our Halloween? It falls on the 4th of May. The spirits of all fallen Jedi warriors come back to torment their slayers with the haunting message. ....

"May the 4th bewitch you."

A happy holiday wish from Immediate Past POTY Gary Hallock).

***

A beggar asked a businessman for $1000 for a cup of coffee. The business man exclaimed,

"That's a lot of money for a cup of coffee!"  The beggar replied,

 "I just wanted to put all of my begs into one ask it."

***

Here are  more party intro stickers that tell what a person fills his/her time with and says,

 "Hi, my name is..."

 Art...I'm a museum curator.

Chuck... I'm a butcher.

Gene... I'm a DNA researcher.

Will... I'm a lawyer.

Sue... I'm a lawyer too.

Mary... I'm a justice of the peace.

Mike... I'm an announcer.

Gail... I'm a meteorologist.

John... I'm a plumber.

Herb... I'm a cook.

Rob. I'm a thief.

Woody... I'm a forester.

Les... I'm a dietician.

Harry... I'm a barber.

Iris... I'm an optometrist.

Teddy.. I'm in lingerie.

Bea... I'm in the honey business.

Hugh... I'm a painter.

Jim... I train boxers.

Dean ...I'm a college administrator.

Nat...I'm an entomologist.

Bud... I'm a florist.

Rose... I'm a gardener.

Ruby and Pearl. We're jewelers.

Marshall... I'm a peace officer.

Gil... I'm a fisherman.

We'll party on next month.

***

A Chinese scholar was lecturing on the value of pork, in the nutritional sense, when suddenly all the lights in the auditorium went out. He asked his class to raise their respective piggies in the air. Soon the lights went on again. Confucius said,

'Many hams make lightwork.'

***

What did the Egyptian king  say to his queen?

" We haveTutenkhamen."

And while still on the Nile,

Moses caught the young Egyptian prince sneaking a peek at the harem of the then Prince Moses and he admonished,

"Let my peep hole go!"

One more on that era. Shakespeare wrote a play with Passover as the main theme. You may have read it or seen it performed,

"Matzoh Do About Nothing."

***

We'll be together again, if we May.

Volume 19, Number 4

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

 Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership in the ISTPF is $125. Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Leslie Mortimer

Desktop stuff and full time critc: Rosanna Borgh

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation, Box 5040, Station A, Toronto, Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

Email address is nglbert@netcom.ca

Keith Lavender, on the airwaves starts the month of lovender off with these two real hapunnings.

"Both of these puns occurred during the course of normal conversation, which is, of course, why we're so especially proud of them!"

Some years back I was visiting friends at their ranch.  We had brought our shotguns and were planning on shooting some skeet as well as going horseback riding.  My friend and his wife had a big discussion about which activity we

were going to do first.  When I was

informed of the decision, I shamelessly remarked: "Oh, we're going to shoot first and equestrians later."

Recently, my sister was visiting us

at our home in Montana.  We had gone to a local French bakery and bought some bread which was called "Epi" bread. This bread had

February 1998

several sharp points on it where the dough was pulled into a point

and baked.  While leaving, I poked myself with one of these points and drew blood.  At this point my

sister, who is conversant in French

exclaimed that it must have been a

very pan-ful epi-sode.

***

Lawrence Singer drops this comment rapidly into this issue,

Stepping off the bungi platform...

out over the cataract, he was immediately struck by the "gravity" of the situation.

***

Long ago in South America, llamas were domesticated. Their fine fleece was often combined with wool to make a  soft cloth which was very valuable. Well, something happened, and the llamas started to run a high fever, which damaged their fleece. The llamaherders realized that something must be done very quickly. They drove their herd to

higher mountain areas where it would be cooler. This did not help. They continued the drive up to  higher elevations. They began to notice some improvement. They knew that if they could get the llamas just a little bit higher and thus, cooler, the problem would be solved, and they would be able to once more  produce the valuable fabric. They contracted with large construction companies to build very high masts and platforms that would support the llamas and the  plenty of food that was needed for the sustenance of the animals. It was a resounding success. Their economy returned to normal. To advertise their success, they had to come up with a name for the location of their new business venue. After much thought and discussion, they decided on:

"The Mast Of The Red Hot Llamas."

***

New Member Stan Kegel, a most prolific provider of puns for the Pundit asks to share in this theme:

Harry Lime is best remembered, as Orson Wells portrayed him, in the motion picture "The Third Man." During World War II, he was a British agent actually known by the code name, Harry Lime. Harry was very near-sighted and wore thick glasses. His assignment behind Nazi lines as a German Officer would have been impossible, except that the Americans had invented a new form of lens for the myopic. These "contact lenses" were undergoing clinical trials at the Walter Reed Naval Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland. Arrangements were made to transport Harry, secretly to Bethesda by submarine to be fitted by the lens crafters. Harry, among other things, had a passion for the opposite sex, and remembered that he had an old flame in nearby Washington. The authorities, knowing this, were afraid that Harry would use this opportunity in America to take an unauthorized vacation. It was thus

decided that they must give him very explicit instructions. Therefore, just before leaving for the ship, he was called to the control office where he was given this direct order!

"YOU ARE TO GO DIRECTLY FROM THE SUB, LIME, TO THE REED OCULIST."

Still with Stan who thanks Spider Robinson for the next two in certs;

... The success of a pun is in the "oy" of the beholder.

An actor of German descent was stranded far up in a wild country when his touring company went broke. This was in the days when performers were generally regarded as criminals to be shunned, not as celebrities to be shined up to, and he found neither succour nor shelter as pennilessly, pathetically, he wandered the lonesome roads. Finally, however, he came upon a lioness playing with her cubs outside their den.

Assuming his most pitiable air, he approached the matriarch and inquired in the most ingratiating of tones: "MOTHER, CAN YOU LAIR A MIME?"

Alas, his accent betrayed his origins, and with a great roar the lioness sprang at him. The terrified thespian barely scuttled away with his life. "Why did you do that, Mommy?" one of the cubs asked. "He seemed nice." The mother drew herself up to her full moral height. "What I'm going to say I want you never, ever to forget as long as you live," she growled.

"A HUN IS THE LOWEST FORM OF ROOMER."

***

John Tjia tells us about the wife of a colleague who  works in a hospital's research lab, studying

tumors.  "How did she get interested in that?" someone asked. 

"I guess it kind of grew on her."

The other day, at my office cafeteria, the menu featured as its special, calamari (squid) with a side of pork ribs.  An unusual fare, admittedly. My lunch partner mused: "Surf and turf?"

"Not really", I said, "It's more ink and oink."

***

The Sixties, remember them?  Time of hope, time of rebellion, time for planning new ways to do things, ways that could not be any worse than what was being done at that time. In contrast to most of the other movements of the time, one very active group combined militant vegetarianism (not so uncommon) with militant prohibitionism (very uncommon). They believed, in fact, that the first would automatically lead to perfect health. Eat only vegetables, love one another, and the desire and drive to consume the demon  rum would just pass away. They announced  that:

"PEAS WOULD RULE THE PLANETS, AND LOVE WOULD CLEAR THE BARS. IT WAS THE DAWNING OF THE AGE OF ASPARAGUS".

***

Professor Spooner may have said: "This could be the heart of something stooge!"

Proctology: is where the bottom line counts. A nice stool is better than a comfy chair. You feel a little behind in your work. You punctuate with full colons and you spontaneously sing, 'Don't stand so collostomy!'

These punnets from the inimitable wordsmith,' Christo!'

Mellie Warner sent this query: What were the Moores thinking when they named their daughter,

Mi Cheria?.

***

The Israeli police were looking for a man named Joseph, wanted for bank robbery in the port city of Haifa. The suspect was described as the son of a defrocked Spanish lady of the cloth and a German father. He is an accomplished flautist, and he has been known to have herded cows on occasion. In short, he was

 "A HAIFA-LOOTIN', FLUTIN' TEUTON, SON-OF-A-NUN FROM BARCELONA, PART-TIME PLOWBOY JOE."

First Colony

They were the first to attempt to colonize Mars. They had landed with grass seeds to plant, and horse, sheep and cattle embryos. But the grass wouldn't grow and none of the calves could survive. The horses and sheep were doing well, but there was not enough to meet their needs. So they sent a message to Earth asking for more sheep and horses and a replacement for the cattle and grass. They particularly wanted an animal that could be used as meat in place of beef. Earth radioed back asking if venison would be satisfactory and it was. Finally a space shuttle arrived with the needed supplies. The bill of lading was rushed to the leader of the colony who then spoke to his consul, "we got everything we asked for. They sent mare zygotes and doe zygotes and little lambs and ivy."

***

As we come to the end of the second month, the one that smells of roses and romance, we pass on to you a pair of daffynitions that are apropos to this time.

Elliptical...a kiss.

Romance...Italian insects.

We wish you love on Valentine's Day as time marches on.

Volume 19, Number 2

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

 Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership in the ISTPF is $125. Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Leslie Mortimer

Desktop stuff and full time critc: Rosanna Borgh

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation, Box 5040, Station A, Toronto, Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

Email address is nglbert@netcom.ca