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Pun Archives
PunPunPun.com > Pun Archives
March 3, 2003
Have you ever thought of occupational collective nouns? For example:
A spade of morticians.
A barrel of nudists.
. . .
February 28, 2003
Forward March
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February 25, 2003
Today's Stock Market Report presented by Dave Tozier:
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
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February 18, 2003
"The IRS." Remove the space you get "THEIRS"
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February 17, 2003
It was announced following the 500 mile race that Mark martin's Viagra sponsored car had been named most outstanding and hardest to beat.
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February 14, 2003
 
Pfizer Corp is making the announcement
today that VIAGRA will soon be available
in liquid form and will be marketed by
Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable
for use "as is", or as a mixer. Pepsi's
proposed ad campaign claims: "It will
now be possible for a man to literally
pour himself a stiff one." Obviously we can no longer call this a
"soft drink." This additive gives new meaning to the
names of cocktails, highballs and just
a good old fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by
the name of "Mount And Do."
February 11, 2003
There once was a boy who thought
Very little, but thought it a lot.
And at last he knew
What he wanted to do
But before he could start, he forgot.
(The Stupid Thinker by Jordan Elbaum at age 8)
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February 10, 20032
I just got back from a 'males only' convention.
It was in Boise Idaho.
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February 7, 2003
A do it yourself orthodontist says,
"Brace yourself!" as he prepares to straighten you out.
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February 4 2003
Ron Arends had taken Ethan, his son, for some teeth alignment.
The surgery was filled with doctors.
Ron called them a brace of Orthodontists.
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February 3, 2003
Sign in a drug rehab hospital:
PLEASE KEEP OFF THE GRASS
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January 28, 2003
Whether the weather is cold or whether the weather is hot, we'll weather the weather whatever the weather whether we like it or not.
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January 24, 2003
It was a ghost town. The black bird pie was the special in the bar that day.
A ghost apparoached the bar and asked for one, the barkeep said,
"We don't serve Mynahs to spirits."
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January 21, 2003
Sign seen by Ken Shurget and posted on condemned, padlocked rental property:
LATCHED BUT NOT LEASED
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January 20, 2003
Doing anything for the first time can be a pain in debut. (So says Ken Shurget)
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January 17, 2002
Tom Spence poses this timely question:
"Why is the big hand on a clock called the minute hand?"
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January 15, 2003
Norm Stevens anticipates February second by asking, "Did you hear that the pork producers are advocating sausage as the official meat for groundhog day?"
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January 13, 2003
A Harvard English 101 class was asked to write a concise essay containing four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery. The only "A+" in the class read:
"My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
(Happy Birthday Alan)
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January 10, 2003
Drive carefully. Do not insist on your rites.
January 9, 2003
Life member, Andrew Koenig asks, What's the difference between Noah's ark and Joan of Arc?
One is made of wood and the other is Maid of Orleans.
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January 8, 2003
"I find that one of the most handy, helpful, useful, beneficial, advantageous, valuable items I have in my office is a thesaurus." so says Stephen M. Stewart.
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January 7, 2003
If no pun is intended, then no punishment.
(from Crosbie's Dictionary of Puns)
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April 1999
The Punster of the Year was named at the annual dinner of
The International Save the Pun Foundation, held on March 30th April Fools Day, in Chicago.
The POTY is Mack Rowe, a professional graphic designer, who creates cartoons devoted entirely to visual and verbal puns. His imaginative wordplay comics are intended to tickle the reader's funny bone and titillate his or her intellect. He plays with four characters to create funny setups and deliver the puns. PUN and TOON, along with their female accomplice, Eunice, vaguely resemble nebbishes.
Grinny the incorrigible cousin of the Sixties Smile Face, is like an after-dinner mint-- with cayenne!
Fellow punster and wordsmith par excellence, Neil Shawen, collaborates with Mack in the
creative process. Mack's wife, Annie, also provides funny thoughts and the editorial design.
Rowe, resides in a completely round house he designed and built near Madison, VA. "I enjoy making people laugh, or groan, as they suddenly realize the surprise of a pun. The author of PunToons, a hilarious book of puns with toons to match. Here's a "read 'em aloud" example of one of Mack's tunes. (Without the pictures).
Pun, Toon, Eunice, and Grinny, from whom we will hear more later , are talking. The time is January 1 2000!
Let's listen.
Pun looking at a computer: "It's sitting there like a bump analog.
Toon: "It's been rendered input-ent"
Eunice: "Digitalis the truth?"
Toon: "Have viagra lied to you?"
Pun: "This is un-nerd of."
A little bird sitting by the computer: "Hi, I'm the tern of the century."
Eunice: "Look for Windows of opportunity."
Pun: "Lotus begin."
And Grinny finishes with; "Life's a glitch."
The Annual Pun Dinner was a punomenal success once again and we are delighted to congratulate Joyce Heitler on the fabulous party she puts together each year. The dinner in the Y2K will be armeggnificent one, and not to be missed. Maybe you should mark your calendar now.
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While on the subject of annual events, a major happening is about to occur in Austin Texas.
THE 22nd ANNUAL O.HENRY PUN-OFF WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS -MAY 2, 1999.
The afternoon of Sunday, May 2nd will see a stampede of bovine madness descend a pun the little O.Henry Museum in downtown Austin.
Each year an appreciative audience kowtows to the herds of corn-fed word wranglers who have declared O.Pun season on the anguished language at the 21st Annual O.Henry Pun-Off World Championships. Central Texas will turn on its ears as hundreds of sunbaked pun worshipers gather to celebrate the lowest form of humor in high style in the back yard of the recently refurbished O.Henry
Museum. As the crowds cheer the torturing of the tongue and laud the limber linguistic gymnastics there will be no groan left unearned. The 1997 double barrel champion was Austin musician Steve Brooks who this year will employ his penchant for wretched punplay as a member of the 3-man emcee tag-team.
There will be 32 contestants out standing in their fields attempting to harvest this year's bumper crop of corn. |
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.comaaakk/ch@ung but gets T:flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummming birds who had also never met.
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
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Stan Kegel, the oft quoted riddler, paranomasiac PUNY member offers these rousing punriddles that were first seen and heard on the Punsters United Nearly Yearly list on the word wide web:
A military leader was about to launch a viciously brutal attack upon a factory where crystal chandeliers were manufactured. What were his orders to the troops just before he sent them in with guns blazing?
Take no prismers.
(Gary Hallock)
What Disney movie was an account of a certain ecdysiast's style of performance?
Fan Tease Ya (By Cynthia MacGregor)
Ernest Hemingway's classic tale of a Madam in Atlanta during the Civil War.
"For Whom the Belles Toil" (Stan Kegel)
A dozen, a gross and a score,
Plus 3 times the square root of 4
Divided by 7,
Plus 5 times 11,
Equals 9 squared and not a bit more!
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See you, if we May!
A day without puns is like a day without sunshine. There's gloom for improvement.
Volume 20 April 1999
The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.
Membership is $29 for 1 year, $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership is $125.
Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.
Publisher: Jim Hilborn
Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu
Customer Service: Marlene Corbett
Deskstuff and full time critic:RosannaBorgh
Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert
The International Save the Pun Foundation,
Box 5040, Station A,
Toronto Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada
Email to punpunpun@rogers.com
On the web at www.punpunpun.com
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MORE FROM MORTY
>>A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. >Dijon vu - the
>same mustard as before. >Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
>>A hangover is the wrath of grapes. >Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
> >Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? >Reading while sunbathing makes
>you well-red. >When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. >A
>bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. >What's the
>definition of a will? (Come on, It's a dead giveaway!) >Time flies like
>an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. >A backward poet writes inverse.
> >In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. >A
>chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. >If you don't pay your
>exorcist, you get repossessed. >With her marriage, she got a new name
>and a dress. >Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show
>you a flat minor. >When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
> >The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. >A
>grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
>Blownapart. >You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
>>Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. >He often broke
>into song because he couldn't find the key. >Every calendar's days are
>numbered. >A lot of money is tainted: It taint yours and it taint
>mine. >A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. >He had a
>photographic memory that was never developed. >A plateau is a high form
>of flattery. >The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a
>small medium at large. >Once you've seen one shopping center, you've
>seen a mall. >Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. >When
>an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
>>Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. >Santa's helpers
>are subordinate clauses. >Acupuncture is a jab well done. >Marathon
>runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat. >The poor guy
>fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself. >
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