PUNDITS FROM 2002
PunPunPun.com > PUNDITS FROM 2002
The official newsletter of
THE INTERNATIONAL SAVE
THE PUN FOUNDATION
January 2002
Each year in
000
Examples from W. H. Mittins, A Grammar of Modem English, 1962). (Sent to us by Dave Tozier L.M.)
The only spectators were a woman carrying a small child and a large policeman...
We saw the
A sailor was dancing with a wooden leg...
Bus on Fire! Passengers Alight...
The airship was about to leave the airport. The last person to go up the gangway was Miss Hemming. Slowly her huge nose turned into the wind. Then, like some enormous beast, she crawled along the grass."
Terri asked her Sunday school class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to
000
A church custodian must mind his keys and pews.
(prayed Douglas Helsel)
I heard that Aunt Jemima eloped with Oscar
Meyer. They took each other for batter and for
wurst. (Yours to digest Norm Stevenson)
Poached eggs ‑ breakfast served on the veranda (Allen
000
FIRST DAY ON THE JOB
The new nurse listened while Dr. Bryce was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" She asked, "Why is he doing that?" "He just likes to call the shots around here." Dave Tozier replied.
(DO@
The little girl's visiting aunt said to her, "You're pretty dirty, aren't you?" Yes," the little girl said. "But I'm even prettier clean!" (Marvin Sanderford)
Would you know? If 'Nsync appeared in drag would they be kitsch'nsync ? Is a Mac on the web referred to as apple cyber?
... And continuing with Richard's Anguished English accounts, Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it ‑ English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in
French fries in
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which
aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its
paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither
from
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't
fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of
booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One
index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but
not one amend, that you can comb through annals of
history but not a single annal?
f you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of
either one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a
humanitarian eat?
By the way, how can a slim chance and a fat chance
be the same.
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while
quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and
cold as hell another?
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things
only when they are absent?
Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful
gown?
Or met a sung hero or experienced requited love?
Have you ever run into someone who was
combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable?
And where are all those people who ARE spring
chickens
Or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
There did the beauty who was OUT OF THIS
WORLD go?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a
language, in which your house can bum up as it
bums down,
In which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in
which an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and
it reflects the creativity of the human race (which,
of course, isn't a race at all).
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible.
However, when the lights are out, they are invisible.
Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when
I wind up this essay, I end it?
And lastly, why do we have to hit the START
button first to STOP running'Windows 98'!!?!
Executing Director Gary Hallock executes this high cue in the game of word play.
Dark horseman gallops His lance skewers sausage links It's my wurst knight mare.
... and then loops into these,
WHAT'S A LONG NECK DRAFT?
In gravy your wedding invitations if you want to
impress.
An impress is the leader of a foreign land.
Foreign a Land Rover is too cramped to be
comfortable.
"I comfortable," said the butcher to the rancher.
Try to rancher self an apartment in a nice building.
An ice building would have frosty windows.
When dose windows are left open, you'll feel a
draft.
A draft is a long necked animal from
WHO DRAWS BRIDGES?
Draw bridges cross the moat in front of a fortress. Fortress passes, we hope the lord will forgive us. Gibbous is a phase of the moon. The phase of the moon sometimes has two cheeks. Two cheeks at once is every guy's fantasy. In fantasy is the time when a baby is very dependant. Dependant hangs from a necklace. Jack Necklace one of those famous golf pros. Golf prose is more boring than poetry. A Poe tree grew in Edgar Allan's back yard. Back yard's a brand of rum.
Is a promo for a Broadway play a scriptease? Is a shark on a scale a great white weigh?
(Norm Stevenson)
(ZD(D@
Scene in the dictionerry: Heroes \hee‑rhos~ What a guy in a boat does.
Parasites \par~‑ih‑sitesN What you see from the top of the
Pharmacist \farm‑uh‑sist\ A helper on the farm.
Polarize \po'‑Iur‑izeN What penguins see with
Primate \pri'_mate~ Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Relief \ree‑leefN What trees do in the spring.
Selfish \seF‑fish~ What the owner of a seafood store does.
Subdued \sub‑doodN Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man.
Sudafed \sood~‑a‑fed~ Brought litigation against a government official.
Cynthia MacGregor adds to this list of random daffynitions via PUNY list
Lambshades ‑ sunglasses for young sheep.
Ickyologist ‑ one who studies rotting fish.
Herpetologist ‑ one who studies the domesticated animal belonging to the lady of the house.
Impeach ‑ a pixie fruit.
Marinate ‑ to wed Nathan.
Arboreal ‑ where grapes grow, genuine.
Marigold ‑ wed for money.
Kangaroo ‑ garoo that has been preserved in a tin.
Amphetamine ‑ I'm an overweight Italian male
Hemisphere ‑ that which frightens a particular pork product.
Operation ‑ your fair share of the show in which most of the action takes place through singing.
... and a phew more,
Hospital Gown: Ward robe. (Robert Meyers
High heels: Arch enemies (Robert Meyers)
]Inheritance: Will‑gotten gains (Robert Meyers)
Cleavage: Something you can look down on and approve of at the same time. (Biker
Seersucker: Someone who spends a lot of money on fortune tellers. (Michael Driscoll)
More vagaries of the English Language... as reported by Richard Lederer in "ANGUISHED ENGLISH. What could be verse than this?
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes. But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes. The one fowl is goose, but two are called geese. Yet the plural of moose, should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest of mice. But the plural of house is houses, not hice. If the plural of man is always men, Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? If I spoke of my foot, and show you my feet, And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? Then one may be that, and three would be those, Yet hat in the plural would never be hose. When we say brother, we say brethren. But though we may say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his, and him, But imagine the feminine, she, shis, and shim. So, English I fancy you will agree is the craziest language that you ever did see.
Rum is a game played with cards. Cards are used on sweatpants to draw britches up.
WHO EATS TRIGGER TREATS?
A trigger treat is what you get from chewing bubble
gun.
A bauble gun is used to attach rhinestones.
Rhinestones are found by that river in
When I "in
Bandage is what the slaves were freed from by Abe
Abe Lincoln is what you'll be when you get dry
eyes.
Dry eyes is made from carbon dioxide.
Dioxide is where Darth Vader gets his strength from
the force.
The force of July is a good time to catch a few rays.
A few rays something up, you're making it go
higher.
Go higher is the state where you will find
After
Day eleven sometimes fed her husband's horse
Trigger treats.
Who eats trigger treats?
Chaz Miller circles us with this, Pioneers who travelled west on the
Ross Hella's age old prescription as passed down by his father back in 1973, so it may not be original, but it has sentimental value. Definition of "Innuendo": The instructions on a tube of Italian Preparation H.
I work in the produce section of the local food store. Whenever I'm asked what my title is, I simply reply, "Head of Lettuce."
Noelle Chesser cess that he's seen these signs:
At the sewage treatment plant,
A WASTE IS A TERRIBLE THING TO MIND.
YOUR DOODY IS OUR DUTY.
WE'RE NUMBER ONE IN THE NUMBER TWO BUSINESS.
The Pundit
The official newsletter of
THE INTERNATIONAL SAVE THE PUN FOUNDATION
Volume 23 February 2002
Here are some updates regarding the staff at the home office of the ISTPF. Tymtu Reenu has decided that it is time to retire and so, Ed Smeaghan will be contacting you at the time of the renewal of your membership. Please join me in offering Ed our best wishes for success and enduring relationships with the Pundit. Too, Jim Hilborn has asked to be relieved of his duties as 'publisher.' He has been a long time member of the staff and we have asked him to stay on as Damaging Director. So, with Gary Hallock as the Executing Director and Jim as the Damaging Director we can director energies to saving the pun. Here are the savees for February 2002.
We begin in the halls of Hallock.
To squeeze from a word something funny Is sweet, an ambrosia like honey Good paronomasia A rich reward pays ya But seldom brings in any money.
I heard from one of my rumors that the roof of our boarding house was about to collapse. Just yesterday I overheard eavesdropping. It's probably because the walls are so thin.
Osama Bin Laden's accountant suggested that he invest a few million dollars in reinforcing his cave network because if he's still alive on April 15 he might need attack shelter.
I have a friend who got a job installing kitchen cabinets. He's not a real cabinetmaker; he's just a counter fitter.
He wanted to join the police department so he could book cases but I told him he should probably just join a shelf help group.
What did the Pink Panther's wife say when he returned home after midnight? Why do you always come insulate?
How do you suppose they came up with the idea for plywood? Probably by the process of lamination. When the inventor went to the patent office to register his invention, do you think he had two‑ply for it?
Also I'm often wondering certain Indian tribes might be able to use it to make Sioux veneers?
I've heard of "hen's teeth" and I've heard of "frog fur" but this is the first time I've ever heard of "Black hawk Down."
Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. Circumvent (n.) the opening in the front of boxer shorts. Frisbeetarianism (n.) The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there. Pokemon (n) A Jamaican proctologist.
The Washington Post's Style invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some those winners:
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax
refund; it lasts until you realize it was your
money to start with.
Reintamation: Coming back to life as a
hillbilly.
Cashtration: The act of buying a house,
which renders the subject financially
impotent for an indefinite period.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray‑painted very,
very, high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of
sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get
it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously
when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopomosis: A degenerate disease.
Decaflon: (n.) The gruelling event of getting
through the day consuming only things that
are good for you.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Arachnoleptic fit: (n.) The frantic dance
performed just after you've accidentally
walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug: (n.) Satan in the form of a
mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in
the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor: (n.) The colour you turn after
finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
The Tiffany Wimberley's had Family Game
Night recently. My daughter won so she got
a chance to B the caller. I set her up with the
necessary equipment N another game
started. She began to call out the letters and
numbers in a melodious voice. G, it was cute
in the beginning but, about halfway through
the game it became annoying and I had to
say, "0, Alexa, we are not playing SINGO."
"Now that's sloppy embroidery", Mark Israel needled cruelly.
"They'll want a picture of me at the dinner table", Gill Krebs supposed.
"Once upon a time, there were two brothers," Stan Kegel said grimly.
Keith Martin asks, "What if fruits & veggies started eating people? How would you feel if an Appalachia?
People who insist on drinking before they drive are putting the quart before the hearse, Lee Daniel Quinn admonished, driving home his pint.
The chef at a family‑run restaurant had broken her leg and came into our insurance office to file a disability claim. As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take. Under "Reason unable to work," she wrote: "Can't stand to cook."
I told someone I was getting married, and they said, "Have you picked a date yet?" I said, "Wow, you can bring a date to your wedding? What a country!" (Yakov Smirnoff)
Eve hung out in shingles bars where she met nothing but shallow rakes with hangovers and boring carpenters who were too hammered to nail her. "I'm board" she pined, "These studs are all cripples. This is knot what I spruced myself up fir." Well, joist as she was about to header self home, she met a roofing contractor who drove a 4X4 beamer. She knew he would be an easy pickup. She later soffit to confess, "I knew from the moment I firs sawed your fascia were someone I could truss." He gave her such a pitch that he eventually gutter to marry him and they did, in fact, live happily ever rafter.
'Twas in a restaurant they met Brave Romeo and Juliet. He had no cash to pay his debt So Romeo'd what Juli'et. (Herb Ellafson)
THESE ARE NAUTICAL BUT NICE:
A ship carrying farm animals started sinking, which caused some of the smaller livestock to run about aimlessly. Captain Jim Ertner then shouted, "Abandon sheep!
A small boat passed precariously close to a Navy vessel, which prompted the ship's captain to bellow through the bullhorn: "Are you crazy?" The skipper of the offending boat replied, "No, just a little dinghy."
If I tied together some logs with rope; and I think you get my drift, wood my Barque be worse than my bight?? Asks Scott Ryan.
Twins Juan & Jose are deckhands aboard the USS Punjab. Repeatedly, The Captain mistakes Juan for the other. Jose finally has
enough. "I for Juan," he complains, "am not my brother, Skeeper! " Dale Beebe‑Farrow.
Patrick Hester saw this squinty‑eyed sailor with big bulgy arrn muscles walk into his favorite bar. The owner, a German gentleman named Josef Mann, greets him with a frosty cold mug of beer. The innkeeper says "Our specials tonight are cheeseburgers or chicken pot pie. I brought you a mug of the locally brewed ale, but if you want I'll go get you an import. What'll it be?" The man replies: "Um, pot pie, this ale, Herr Mann."
(D@@
Readers of the Washington Post were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries:
Coffee (n.) a person who is coughed upon.
Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how
much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever
having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation
while drunk.
Willy‑nilly (adj.) impotent.
Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in
which you absentmindedly answer the door
in your nightie.
Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.) an olive‑flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that
picks you up after you are run over by a
steamroller.
Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an
exam.
Rectitude (n.) the forinal, dignified
demeanor assumed by a proctologist
immediately before he examines you.
Worried because they hadn't heard anything
for days from the widow in the neighboring
apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son,
"Timmy, would you go next door and see
how old Mrs. Goldberg is?" A few minutes
later, Timmy returned.
"Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?"
"She's fine, except that now she's angry with
you. it
"At me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever
for?"
She said, "It's none of your business how old
she is." (From Kegel's Archives)
PUNY RIDDLES:
Ann goes on vacation in Central Africa. What message does she leave on her answering machine? Hair today. Gone to Mali (Stan Kegel)
What happened to the musician that robbed the bank? He made off with the lute (Cynthia MacGregor)
What safety features do medicine bottles in Florida have? They have Tampa‑proof caps (Lars Hanson)
A fox with an appetite for tasty young hens developed a technique for ambushing them when they strayed very far from the flock. His method sounded like which prestigious literary award? The Pullet Surprise. (Ken Pinkham)
Why does it take longer to run from second to third base than it does from first to second? Because you have a short stop between second and third. (The Daily Groaner)
POETRY
What can a wife say
If you mention his bald spot,
There's Hell toupee.
(John S. Crosbie)
I know a man, his name is Lang,
And he has a neon sign.
And Mister Lang is very old,
So they call it Old Lang's Sign.
(By Alan Sherman, based on a poem by
Robert Bums)
I'm sure of this:
If you marry a widow,
You won't marry amiss
(John S. Crosbie)
Over in Europe
New economic banner
EURO grand old flag!
(Guy Ben‑Moshe)
We go forward to March and remind you that a day withoutpuns is like a day without sunshine. There's gloomfor improvement
The Pundit
The Official Newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation
April 2002
A PAIR OF HAPPUNINGS COMING UP!!
THE ANNUAL PUN DINNER will be held on
221 E. Kennedy, Spartanburg, South Carolina. The
airport is (GSP) Greenville‑Spartanburg. It is 1 hour
south of Ashville, North Carolina in
the foothills of the Smokies, an hour from Charlotte,
an hour and a half from Columbia and 3 and a half
hours from Atlanta.
THE 25th ANNUAL O.HENRY PUN‑OFF WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS will be held on MAY 4, 2002 ‑ Noon ‑5pm at Wooldridge Square, in downtown Austin, TX. Jest for pun! The tradition of mirth and mayhem will continue uninterrupted. This overt assault on our anguished language annually lures both veteran verbivores and naive neophytes on a passionate pilgrimage to meet their Mecca in Austin. Spaces are open for 32 competitive pun slingers in two different categories of competition. This year the celebrity judge panel will feature Richard Lederer, POTY 1990, best selling author of many books and articles on language use and abuse. Visit him at http:Hwww.verbivore.com Although the crowd groans louder and larger each year, contest registration and admission are still free. Word butchers and prospective pundits who wish to jest for a wordy cause are invited to call or visit the museum. If you are itching for more inflammation, for interviews or details, contact our Executing Director Gary Hallock at 512/453‑4431 or 512/9739929, email e.hallockamail.utexas.edu.
Tom Swifty says: "It's no wonder we're not catching any fish. These worms taste awful", Tom spoke with baited breath.
"I wonder if the doctor said to put my coffee on to boil, or to put coffee on my boil", Lance postulated insistently.
"Of course my breakfast grocery order looks like melting clocks. It's a cereal list", said Salvador Dali.
I'm so very glad the answer to that math problem came out right", said Tom summarily.
"Yes, I can't not work in an atomic power plant. Have I dyslexia", was Tom's unclear answer.
BIRDS OF WISDOM
A wise little parakeet once told me, "Talk is cheep, but I still try to stay within my budgie."
What's the difference between a plucked bird and one whose feathers haven't grown in yet? It's a matter of a pinion.
An old crow complained to the magpie, "Why didn't you answer my caws?" The magpie answered, "Same as always, I'm ignoring you for just caws. " Then the parrot chimed in, "Can I interest either of you in supporting macaws?" Suddenly the cat leaped down upon the crow and grabbed him by the throat. Yes, Tom broke caw.
A dance instructor comes into a bar and enthusiastically says, "The drinks are on me!" The bartender says, "Hey, you can't just waltz in here and order everyone a round like that!" One day recently my wife had a dental appointment early in the morning, so she didn't fill her thermos
@00
Norm Stevenson has suggested that a Gershwin heir has done a musical to the queen and her pets. It's called, Corgi and Bess.
00@
Anita Moravec Gard saw this musical review and added.... I understand she has put together a panel of advisors to explore options for building more public toilets. It is, of course, her "Privy Council." I'm afraid this might be over your head, unless you live in Flushing, NY. Personally, when I heard the news I was bowled over. I think the press should have kept the lid on it. It really shouldn't have been the number one news story. Who do you suppose is behind this? You're in the right place.
000
Sign seen in a City restaurant: "OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS."
David A. Tozier, in his capacity of a Financial Advisor offers these tips: Very important, you must read this now. This may be another ENRON. Please review any holdings that you might have in the following stocks. American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, Northern Tissue Co. Due to uncertain market conditions, I advise to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today and millions were wiped clean.
EVENTS OF THE NEW OLYMPICS
JUGGLING THREE DISHES THAT ALL REQUIRE MUCH ATTENTION IN THE FINAL TEN MINUTES BEFORE DINNER.
MATHEMATICS FOR COOKS WHO HAVE THREE DISHES TO GO INTO THE OVEN AT THREE DIFFERENT TEMPS. (Cynthia MacGregor, a Gold)
HEIR CURLING ‑ Youngsters slide across the ice sitting on their mother's irons.
SNOW CALIGRAPHY ‑ Drunken patrons of local bars endorse checks written on the snow bank.
OLYMPIC HOOP ROLLING ‑ Boys in knee britches push 5 rings across the ice.
FLAGPOLE LICKING ‑ Usually won by the Poles.
SNOWBALLROOM DANCING ‑ Just like ice dancing but the ladies wear skates with heels.
ICE FISSION ‑ Nuclear submarine captains attempt to break holes in the polar ice caps.
POLAR BARE CLUBBING ‑ Much like baby seal clubbing except the prey is larger and the participants are naked.
THE 2 MAN LUGIE ‑ Mark Spitz and George Bernard Chaw expectorate highly on this one. (Phlegm at eleven. Gary Hallock, a Gold too)
SNOW CONE EATING: Two kilos of fresh snow drizzled with Hershey's Chocolate Syrup (official syrup sponsors to the Olympics) must be consumed with five minutes to qualify.
POLAR BEAR WRESTLING: Since there is wrestling in the Summer Olympics, why not in the Winter Olympics? The polar bear will have a "groin harness" similar to bucking broncos to make this event even livelier.
HURLING ... after pulling many Gs in the bobsled or while luging the athletes have a chance to get extra points by hurling the furthest distance. (Tiff Wimberly, Brawns) THE SIDEWALK CLEARING EVENT: One ton of snow is dumped on a four‑meter stretch of sidewalk, and the Olympian must sweep it off with a 50cm wide snow shovel. (Peeing on the snow to melt some of it is grounds for disqualification.)
with java when she left the house. She speculated that she might swing back by the house later on her way to work. Thus the drip pot was still on when I left home as I speculated to my son, "She may or may not come back to fill her thermos. Either way, it's safe to assume she will have Mr. Coffee."
The boss of a small company called a spontaneous
staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful
week. When everyone gathered, the employer,
who understood the benefits of having fun, told the
burnt‑out staff the purpose of the meeting was to
have a quick contest and the theme was "Viagra
advertising slogans." The only rule was that they
had to use past ad slogans (originally written for
other products) that captured the essence of Viagra.
Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes
later, they turned in their suggestions, and created a
"Top Ten List."
Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzz Up!"
Viagra, The quicker pecker upper
Viagra, Like a rock!
Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be
there overnight.
Viagra, Be all that you can be.
Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
Viagra, Strong enough for a woman, but made for
a man.
Viagra, We bring good things to life!
And then there were more:
Bread, the staff of life. Viagra, the life of staff.
Come alive!
Viagra, Drivers wanted.
Viagra, It's Grr=eat!
Start me up!
Fly United.
Think, "Inside the box."
The best to you each morning.
Look, People! The Saturday Evening Post. Life!
We try harder.
I love what you do for me!
Viagra: It's good to the last drop.
Viagra refreshes the parts other drugs cannot reach.
Youll take a lickin'and keep on tickin'
Viagra: They're GREAT!!!
M`rn, Mm Good! It's the real thing.
It goes on and on and on and on and on and....
(Kim Soriano)
And even more .....
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh what a feeling!! Vi‑agra!
If you think it's bigger, but it's not.
It's not nice to fool Mother Nature.
Home of the Whopper!
Just say "Super Size It!"
Have it Your Way!
Plumps when you take it.
Fills you up, not out. (Bradley)
Oops! Here's some more...
Just what the doctor ordered.
Viagra, Size matters.
Where's the beef9
Takin' it to the top!
Viagra! You will believe that a man can fly.
Zoom, zoom, zoom.
Is it real, or is it Viagra?
It's finger lickin' good.
You've come a long way, baby!
Viagra, You'll stand behind everything we swell.
(Gary Hallock)
Just recently George W. Bush has taken some flak for using the phrase "axis of evil" to describe countries that harbor terrorism. I think the media didn't hear it just right and what he really said was a phrase describing how he is trying to save America from "taxes of evil". Fighting the fight, just like his dad fought against the "no new taxes of evil". And while I am on the subject, the media misquoted him another time when he supposedly gaffed and used the word "crusade" in the beginning of our war on terrorism ... what he really was talking about was helping our ground forces in Afghanistan by saying that "we are going to our crew's aid." By the way, he wasn't talking about our most dangerous weapons the other day. He was merely chatting with reporters when he told them that he bought an ice chest, "Wanna see my new cooler?" And to think that the media has misrepresented him all this time! (Tiff Wimberley)
When I consider how sweaters tend to make me sweat, I'm a lot less inclined to wear a windbreaker. (Lewis O'Brien)
@(D@
(Guy Ben‑Moshe, Gold again)
ZAMBONI RACING ‑ Flag flying souped‑up zambonis roar around the rink.
URBAN SLUSH SLOGGING ‑ Timing booted pedestrians as they commute through deep slush.
AVALANCHE SURFING ‑ Small cannons set off avalanches and the surfers catch the crest.
IGLOO BUILDING ‑ Traditional and New Wave Ice Flow Survivor ‑ Contestants vote each other off the ice. (Ken Pinkham, Shiver)
000
Q 0131
DID YOU KNOW THAT.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is twotired.
• will. It's a dead giveaway.
• backwards poet writes inverse.
In democracy it's your vote that counts. In
feudalism it's your Count that votes.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it
off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and III
show you A‑flat minor.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is
fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would
result in linoleum blown apart.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down
under.
He often broke into song because he couldnI find
the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint
mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never
developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be
exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a
mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair
she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know
basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the
agony of defeat.
From the PC of Robert Harper, Intellectual
Reporter.
Fine: Tax for doing wrong. Tax: Fine for doing fine.
00@
Watch the www.punpunpun.co web site for up to date and breaking news of the 2 most important upcoming annual events that are so important to the saving of the pun. The Annual O.Henry Pun‑Off and The Annual Save the Pun Foundation Dinner.
If we May there will be more puns in May and always remember that
a day without puns is like a day without sunshine. There Is gloom for improvement.
Volume 23 April 2002
The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun
Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of ‑its
members.
The Pundit
The official newsletter of
THE INTERNATIONAL SAVE THE PUN FOUNDATION
March 2002
A story of Olympian proportions by Tiff Wimberley:
When I first heard about the Olympic sport of Skeleton I thought, "Where did they dig this sport up?" But it turns out that this was a bone afide Olympic sport nearly a half a century ago (54 years to be exact ... that is a bit of tibia for you). I just watched Jim Shea of the American Skeleton crew win the Cold Medal in this event by a marrow margin ... TENSE of a second! One of the commentators said that there is a world cup circuit for Skeleton but their winnings are small compared co other sports, so they are pretty much doing this all‑pro bone‑o. For those of you who think that skeleton is easy you have been seriously miSLED. It takes a lot of skull to do this spine‑tingling sport. Unlike the things that you strap on your feet and then ischium down the hill, you have to lay on your tummy as you sled down the run. I think I would femur comfortable knowing that I had a soft cushion of snow to land in and not the hard ice of the run. If you donl take the curves just right it can coccyx some seconds on your time. I think Skeleton is going to turn out to be a hip new sport. They probably won't get as much ribbing as the lugers do. I hope you found this piece humerus. Osteo la vista! Tiff (who had to bone up on anatomy for this piece)
What do you call a cat that has just eaten a whole duck? A duck filled fatty puss! (Marsha Coleman)
Wild Bill's Hick Ox, by Gary Hallock
Bill, a dirnwitted hick, came to town saddled up on his plowing ox. He rode right into the bank and up to the teller window proclaiming, "Ali wonna mick uh de‑pah‑zit!" The baffled teller responded, "You want what?" The annoyed rube said it again, even slower. "Ahh ‑wonna ‑ mick ‑ uh ‑ De‑pah‑zit!" Suddenly recognizing the situation, the teller replied, "I'm sorry sir, that's an awful country diction. You canI make a deposit with drawl. You must be an oxymoron."
Sign at a tennis complex that is next to a Nude beach, "NO SHOES NO SHIRT NO SHORTS NO SERVICE"
If you Russia round and Ukraine your neck, donY Crimea River. (Donald Frazier)
Once there was a monster living in the Thames River in London. It terrorized the city's inhabitants until one day, those who were true and brave enough, gathered their strength together and killed the monster. In order to deal with this landfall of suddenly available meat, they ground its carcass into spicy German sausages. Charles Dickens wrote a newspaper article describing the events. The headline read: "It Was The Beast Of Thames; It Was The Wurst Of Thames!"
Sign at vegetarian restaurant spotted by Michael Driscoll' All we are saying is give peas a chance.
A mother who had just put her little boy to bed was heard to say as she shut the door and tip‑toed down the hall, "This is one more day when I worked from son‑up to son‑down." (Tim Davis)
Qo@
TOM SWI]FTILES:
"Emma has had trouble staying on her diet since the last time I saw her, but I'm still her staunchest supporter," said Tom emphatically. (Don Kirkman)
"Then I threw off the blanket," Tom discovered. (Stan Kegel)
"How do you like this negligee?" asked Mary transparently (Gill Krebs).
"I've already given you the nominative, vocative, .ccusative, genitive, dative, and ablative, so I will say no more", Tom declined. (Mark Israel).
"There'll be no strippers in my town", said the sheriff unbareably. (Gill Krebs)
"I don't want a bottle that can exist only in hyperspace", Tom declined. (Mark Israel)
"German cars have become very expensive," Tom remarked dutifully. (Stan Kegel)
"Adherents of my religion don't all have to believe the same thing," Tom decreed. (Mark Israel)
"Hey, Fellas, look at my new coat," Joseph said colorfully. (Asa Sparks)
"They'll want a picture of me at the dinner table", Tom supposed. (Gill Krebs)
"Once upon a time, there were two brothers," said "rom grimly. (Stan Kegel)
Merchandising is half the battle in selling a product ... and it often begins with a catchy name for the product (or service) that will pique the interest of a potential buyer. The object here was to name a product or service and, if necessary, append a brief explanation of the product or service, choosing a name guaranteed to pique the consumer's interest.
• drive through steakhouse ‑ RARE'N'T'GO.
• place to store antique pastas ‑ OLD SPAGHETTI WAREHOUSE. A device to aid fishermen ‑ THE MASTER BAITER.
• wall‑covering showroom ‑ PAPER VIEW.
• golf accessory for Siamese twins ‑ TEE FOR
TWO.
BOOTI‑FUL: Padded girdles.
Gary Hallock.
DON'T WAFFLE: Pancake griddles for the decisive
woman.
GO TO HEALTH!: Chain of fast‑food restaurants
featuring veggie burgers topped with habaflero
peppers, banana peppers, and jalapeflo peppers.
ORIGINAL SINNAMON: *Very* grown‑up
candies!
I PLANET THAT WAY: Telescopes.
GREAT PRETENDERS: Padded jeans for guys.
LO & PEEHOLD: Adult diapers.
Cynthia MacGregor.
HURT'S RENT‑A‑CUR! A provider of guard
dogs to junkyards.
THAT
brothel.
VINYL RESTING PLACE! A mortuary that uses
plastic coffins.
Ken Pinkham.
000
What if fruits & veggies started eating people? How would you feel if an
If there are still "incurable romantics" we need better antibiotics. I eagerly await any chance I get to see landslides. I've always loved the Rolling Stones. (Douglas Helsel)
If you want to learn how to skydive, don't take a crash course. (Larry Clott)
Daffynitions from Stan Kegel's PUNY Dictionary:
0
Solvent: A hole in the bottom of a shoe.
Eunuch: What you do if the doorbell is out
of order.
Expectorant: Mother's sister is pregnant.
Detergent: Stop your date from getting
fresh.
Flatulent: Letting someone stay at your
apartment.
Ground Zero ‑ Metal recycled from old
Japanese warplanes.
Doldrums ‑ Former Vice President's bongos.
Algorithm ‑ Experienced by another former
VP when he hears doldrums
Internist ‑ Where you will find tern eggs.
Dehydrate ‑ The cost of the Witness
Protection Programme.
Laplander ‑ A peanut butter sandwich that
doesnl fall all the way to the floor.
Explain ‑ simple breakfast, as opposed to
with asparagus, ham, and hollandaise sauce.
Ballet ‑ the guy who parks your car.
Parking space ‑ an urban myth.
Jacket: what you do to a car when you have
a flat tire.
Pregnancy: A fetal disease.
Rhapsody: To enclose a can of Pepsi in
paper
Arch Criminal: One who robs shoe stores.
Tentacles: Linebacker's dream every game.
Auspices: The stallion takes a leak.
Axis: Instruments used to fell trees.
Arson: Our daughter's brother.
Adulterate: A full price cinema ticket.
Testicle: A humorous question on an exam.
Depolarize ‑ Where white bears live.
Despair: Emergency tire.
Compare a mild crime, a nickname for the neighborhood curmudgeon, the weather's conduct, a dominatrix who specializes in humiliation, and the denial of a bad flub by a golfer: Misdemeanor, Mr. Meaner, mist demeanor, Miss Demeanor, missed tee? Me? Naw! (Cynthia MacGregor)
* GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN REWORD
* man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
* pessimist's blood type is always b‑negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's
just kiln time.
Practice safe eating ‑ always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the
wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean
a mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it,
so they gave me the axe.
A man needs a mistress to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek‑to‑cheek is a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over
platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your
imagination.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an 1.
Stan Kegel sends food for thought cooked up by the
PUNSTERS UNITED NEARLY YEARLY:
Goldie lox and Cream cheese
Ebola Cherries
Garlicking Good
Fudge Mint Day
Root beer Flotsam
Cherry Noble
Fudge Soybean
Latte Bloomers
Mickey Mousse
Salmon Vanilla
On this day in 1928, a lubricant for wheels was invented, CASTER OIL. And too, in 1900 the first escalator was put in use. Everyone said it was a step in the right direction (Patrick Kincaid).
My son Parker was poking his finger all the way through his sandwich. My husband upon seeing this said, "Now, you have to eat the hole thing!" Tiff Wimberly.
He put iodine on his pay cheque because he got a cut in pay. .. And, she looked in a lumberyard for a Draft Board. . One more, he thought that a mushroom was a place to neck! And another, he thought a sanitary belt was a drink from a clean glass? (Dave Coble).
It's not the minutes you spend at the table that makes you gain weight. It's the seconds. (Ruth S. 0)
Why do they roast comedians at the Fryer's Club? (Stan Kegel)
My paycheck is like the tide. It comes in and goes out, (Henny Youngman).
It is terrible to grow old alone. My wife has not had a birthday in ten years. (Aiken Drum)
Use "bizarre" in a sentence: Ivan the Terrible got to bizarre of all of
Would listening to a pornographic recording be aural sex? (Owen Lorion)
If you get into the very center of a pea, you'll be in the peas core. (Keith Martin)
Yesterday, I watched Norm put his wife in a box and truck her to the Post Office. That's right, I saw Norman Mailer. (Archives)
@00
For many, skiing turns winter into the fall season. (Jumble)
A radical segment of the woodworkers union broke off and formed a splinter group. (Very Punny) What's the difference between make‑up and beer?
You use make‑up to make yourself look better. You use beer to make other people look better. (Allen Warren)
The chef at a family‑run restaurant had broken her leg and came into our insurance office to file a disability claim. As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take. Under "Reason unable to work," she wrote: "Can't stand to cook." (Dim Wit)
Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Goldberg is?" A few minutes later, Timmy returned. "Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?" "She's fine, except that now shes angry with you." "At me?" the woman exlaimed. "Whatever for?" She said, "It's none of your business how old she is." (Archives)
It appears as though we will Passover the Annual Dinner this year. The Queen of Hosts, Joyce Heitler, has blown the THE PUNDIT The Official Newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation May 2002 I have just returned (April 14') from the 17 1h Annual International Conference on The Positive Power of Humor, Hope & Healing. Joel Goodman, the very first Punster of the Year in the year 1989 is the founder and director of the Humor Project Inc., sponsors of the conference, and Margie Ingram, Conference Coordinator, are to be congratulated and commended for this wonderful meeting and approach to life. I have included excerpts from the promotional brochure as an addendum to this issue of the Pundit for your information and consideration as a possible attendee. 000 A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN REWORD Energizer Bunny arrested ‑ charged with battery. A pessimist's blood type is always b‑negative. Practice safe eating ‑ always use condiments. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. Shotgun wedding A case of wife or death. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome? Dancing cheek‑to‑cheek is really a form of floor play. Banning the bra was a big flop. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an 1. Have you seen these SIGNS OF THE TIMES? DR. JONES, AT YOUR CERVIX. (At a gynecologist's office.) TO EXPEDITE YOUR VISIT, PLEASE BACK IN. (At a colonoscopy clinic.) WE REPAIR WHAT YOUR HUSBAND FIXED. & DON'T SLEEP WITH A DRIP. CALL YOUR PLUMBER. (Ace Plumbing Service) SEVEN DAYS WITHOUT PIZZA MAKES ONE WEAK. & BUY OUR PIZZA. WE KNEAD THE DOUGH. (Pizza Hut) HELLO. CAN WE PICK YOUR NOSE? (Plastic Surgery)" WE DON'T CHARGE AN ARM AND A LEG. WE WANT TOWS. (Marvin's Towing Service) LET US REMOVE YOUR SHORTS. (Jim's Electric Co.) IF WE SEE SMOKE, WE WILL ASSUME YOU ARE ON FIRE AND TAKE APPROPRIATE ACTION. (In a non‑smoking section of a bar) PUSH. PUSH. PUSH. (On a maternity room door) IF YOU DON'T SEE WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR, YOU'VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE. (At an optometrist's office) WE REALLY KNOW OUR STUFF. (On a taxidermist's window) TIME WOUNDS ALL HEELS. (In a podiatrist's office) SALESMEN WELCOME! DOG FOOD IS EXPENSIVE. (On a fence) NO APPOINTMENT NECESSARY. WE HEAR YOU COMING. (On a muffler shop) (DO@ And then there is the Lion with a thorn in its paw‑and when it pains, it roars. KID'S KORNER: Where do baby dogs sleep on camping trips? In pup tents. (Richard Lederer & James Ertner). Why would you put a baby goat in a car seat? Because that's where all kids should be. (Olivia, 8) What did the dinosaur say to its prey? Nice to meat you (Max, 6) What is it called when your mother serves cold, lumpy cereal? Gruel and unusual punishment (Michelle, 10) Why did the wrestlers have to compete in the dark? Because their match wouldn't light. (Armen, 8) How does a baby learn to sing? By crib notes (Eric) Why did the girl write on her hand? So she could practice her handwriting. (Jessica, 9) What did one casket say to the other casket? Is that you coffin? (Dim Wit) What letters are not in the alphabet? The ones that are in the mail. (Daisy, 10) Why did the orange stop in the middle of the freeway? Because it ran out of juice. (Garrett, 9) What did the baby corn say to the mommy corn? Where is my popcorn. (Marion, 9) What runs all day but never gets tired? A clock! (Jay, 11) What animal hits the hardest? A bat. (Lisandra, 10) (D@@ A biologist was heard to exclaim when he dropped some slides, "Be careful, and don't step on mitosis." (David Bishop) In a small town in Texas, the local madam operated a telephone service. The police finally arrested her and seized her big black book in which her talent was listed. Each officer on the force was assigned a group of the names in it and told to check them out. After a week, the Chief called a meeting to get their reports. When it became the turn of Constable Ralph to tell what he had found, he said, "I'm sorry, Chief, but I think I should disqualify myself. One of the ladies on whom I called is an eighty‑four‑yearold woman. She is so charming that I have to tell you that I have fallen in love with her." Holy Ewings!" exclaimed the Chief. "I'm sure surprised at you, Ralph. You've been a policeman almost all your life ‑‑ and here you are, falling for the oldest trick in the book!" &DO Heroes \hee‑rhos'\ What a guy in a boat does. Left Bank \Ieft'bangk'\ What the robber did when his bag was full of loot Misty Vnis‑tee'\ How golfers create divots. Parasites \par'‑ih‑sites'\ What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Pharmacist Varm'‑uh‑sist\ A helper on the farm. Polarize \po'‑Iur‑ize'\ What penguins see with. Primate \pri'‑mate'\ Removing your spouse from in front of the TV. Relief \ree‑leef\ What trees do in the spring Selfish \sel'‑fish'\ What the owner of a seafood store does. Subdued \sub‑dood'\ Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like,. submarines, man. Sudafed \sood'‑a‑fed'\ Brought litigation against a government official. We are bound to bring Noelle Chesser's sewing basket to you. 1. At the sewage treatment plant, a waste is a terrible thing to mind. 2. At the sewage treatment plant, your doody is our duty. 3. At the sewage treatment plant, we're number one in the number two business. Now, those are just grate. There is an Abbey in a town in southern France that is known for its ability to produce winners amongst the younger brothers in the local marathons and road races. They are known as the Fast order of French Friars. Also included in the Order are many of the older Brothers that are very cerebral and contemplative, known as the Deep Friars. (Alan E. Beck says this is from hymn) 00(D A young woman was walking on the beach and came upon a young Tem not yet able to fly and seemingly had lost its parents. She picked it up and was carrying it with her when she came upon a young man reading from a book of verse. He traded her the book for the bird and she said he had taken a tem for the verse. He went in the Pier Cafe and the Chef was stirring the batter for sourdough bread. The young man traded the tem for a jar of the dough. He said the chef had taken a tem for the batter. (Flown in by Walt Leigon Houston, T)O (D@@ I understand historians now refer to the reign of Henry VIR as the age of the testosterthrone. (Norm Stevens) A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Dijon vu ‑ the same mustard as before. I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. Feudalism: When it's your Count that votes. DAFFYNITIONS from PUNY members: Trinomials: If your daughter refuses to do her math homework, just send her to bed without her supper. Requirement: Getting more tic‑tacs for the church singers. Racketeers: Comes when you lose the tennis match. (Gary Hallock) Impunity: A group of mischievous children working together. Raisin: Why Raymond went to Hell Exorbitant: An insect that returns from a space mission. Represent: Giving back the same gift you received last Christmas. Rumor: Someone who pays to stay at your home Rheumatic: Where the rumor stays (Stan Kegel) Recession: Another meeting. (Lars Hanson) Band Director: A person who is not afraid to face the music. (Paul Benoit) Roughen ‑ Toughest old bird in the chicken house Rampage ‑ Part of the St. Louis play book (Ken Pinkham) Oscillator: Something to say when taking leave of a friend. Pastry chef‑ A bake‑up artist (Michael Driscoll) Nostalgia: Living life in the past lane. (Very Punny) Climate: The only thing you can do with a ladder. Robust: Ancient torturous method of propelling a boat by leaning overboard and moving your bosom through the water. (Cynthia MacGregor) Advil: experimental community where residents pay no property taxes, but every square inch of sidewalk and wall space is filled with billboards and other commercial come‑ons. (Washington Post) Coincide: What you do when it starts to rain. (Paul Dickson) Sticking with the PUNY people: As one glue manufacturer said to another, "The feeling's mucilage." Wouldn't the word "gluestick" be an epoxymoron? You two can always Duco it out over this. Tiff can paste Jim in the jaw, and Jim can respond with some verbal insults ... and make them stick. It certainly pastes to stick to your guns. (Cyn MacGregor) PUNNOUNCEMIENT Due to circumstances beyond the pale, the 25th Annual O.Henry Pun‑Off World Championships will be once again held in Austin, Texas on Saturday, May 4, 2002. Spaces are open for 32 competitive punslingers in two different categories of competition. This year the celebrity judge panel will feature Richard Lederer, best selling author of many books and articles on language use and abuse. He has also been named as Toastmasters International's "Golden Gavel Award" recipient for 2002. Visit him at h tRW//www.verbivore.com Mr. Lederer and some of his PUNY friends will also host a book signing & pun slinging exhibition at 7pm on Friday, May 3 at Book People on 6th & Lamar. The public is invited to attend this free preview and parade of Pun‑Off participants as they prepare for Saturday's event. Although the crowd groans louder and larger each year, contest registration and admission are still free. Live music will be furnished by Bill Rowan & the High Rollers at noon, and the actual competition begins at lpm. Word butchers and prospective pundits who wish to jest for a wordy cause are invited to call or visit the museum. If you are itching for more inflammation, The O.Henry Museum is located at 409 E. 5th St., Austin TX 78701 or call (512) 472‑1903, fax (512) 472‑7102. For interviews or details, contact Gary Hallock 512/453‑4431 or 512/973‑9929 c.hallock@mail.utexas.edu Friends of O.Henry website h1tp:Hwww.ohepafriends.com Pun‑Off website http:Hwww.punpunpun.com The ANNUAL O.HENRY PUN‑OFF WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS is a co‑production. of: * The City of Austin Parks and Recreation Department (PARD) * The Friends of the O.Henry Museum, a 501(c)(3) non‑profit corporation. * P.U.N.Y. (Punsters United Nearly Yearly), which is also without a prophet. FRONT BACK These are the views of the Pun‑Off sponsors' tease shirts. They are available, so you can avail yourself of these. Write or visit at the site in Austin or the site on the web. The following are from Phil, that worderful paranamour who helps us to occupy the spaces from the last pun to the end. What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each other's shoulders? A scrotum pole! The Miss Hawaii contest is judged on beauty, grace, and poi's. We embryos are hungry. Please fetus. Anita Gard says one of these days remind me to tell you about my horse. It's a tale of whoa. Seen on a bumper sticker: "Visualize whirled peas" What are you JUNE next month? Volume 23 May 2002 The official newsletter of THE INTERNATIONAL SAVE THE PUN FOUNDATION June 2002 Jim Ertner and Tiff Wimberly tied for Punniest of show, each receiving four scores of nine for a total of 36. The audience was then asked to choose the winner. Jim was awarded the trophy by virtue of a 'clap‑off '. Here is Jim Ertner's winning routine: There's a little known animal that begins with the letter X. It's actually a Greek swordfish, spelled X‑I‑P‑H I‑I‑D‑A‑E, and it's pronounced ZIFF‑EYE‑IH‑DEE. As Paul Harvey might say, "Now for the REST of the story." I'd like to present an ABC primer on animal puns. AARDVARK a million miles to put 26 animal puns in alphabetical order. I'd BADGER you and I'd keep CARPING on the subject, until I have no iDEERs left. I'd have no EGRETs, however, as I FERRET out more animal puns. If necessary, I'd even GOPHER broke. Some may say it's a RAREbrained attempt; but, IGUANA tell you, I'm no JACKASS ‑‑ and I KID you not. I'm not doing this for a LARK (although maybe just a MITE) So don't NAG me. In fact, you OTTER try to PARROT me. But don't QUAIL from the challenge. After all, you don‑t have to be a RACCOON‑teur. So just SALMON up some courage, before you take a TERN for the worse. Don't be afraid of people saying to you, "UNICORNiest person I know." Stop crying and VIPER nose. Then say, "WALLABY a son‑of‑a‑gun," and start singing, "Zip‑a‑dee doo dah, XIPHIIDAE ay." Soon you'll be a YAK‑of‑all‑trades, and can put all of these animal puns in a book called "Who's ZOO." Here is Tiff Wimberly's Punniest of Show routine: It's time for a great and powerful PAUSE for the weather... I'm your meteorologist Dorothy GALE. The forecast for OZtin calls for mostly PUNNY with a chance of BLUNDER. So. WINDCHILL like to hear my CURRENT CONDITIONS? You may recall I HAIL from Kansas where I WEATHERED a TURBULENT childhood. I was hit on the head with a window and I'm still feeling that PANE. My house dropped on a witch but I wasn't arrested for HOME‑ICIDE. Then I met men with no brain, no heart and no courage... typical! I'm sorry ... I just dumped my conceited boyfriend,so, now I'm somewhere over my VAIN BEAU. But, this was like my third loser... so it seems I've PICKED my HEELS three times! I dated a hypnotist from ARID ZONA and there was no DROUGHT about it I was under his DRY SPELL. He treated me like a NIMBUS CELL. I hit a RECORD LOW and my dog was a TOTO basket case! When we broke up I said to my dog, "Toto, I have a feeling we are not in TRANCES anymore!" I dated a weatherman named Barry Metric. He was good‑looking, FAHRENHEIT but an ABSOLUTE ZERO. I PREDICTED a STORMY RELATIONSHIP WITH A 50%CHANCE OF ISOLATED PAIN. Our WHIRLWIND courtship RAN HOT ... COLD and he wanted to get CIRRUS. I could feel BARRY METRIC PRESSURE me to marry him, but he hung out in ISOBARS and drank so many WINES AND CIDERS AND BEERS, oh my! I said he had problems and he said DEWPOINT them out.1 gave him the third degree which PRECIPITATED our break up. Looking back, in RELATIVE HUMILITY, my life hasn't been a BREEZE! Maybe this was all a dream. You've been an OZsome crowd. . I bid you all a DEW! Wars always begin When one army goes pasta The other side's border Healthy sergeant leads But when you hear him coffees Going to get creamed Peace alternative Squashes the arms production And we can't halve that Give soldiers tictacs Because tactics like these leave Men hungry for war. Life for President Bush has really been SWEET. While you and I bemoan the current world conflicts, he tells his wife, "ALMOND JOYing finally being important." At one time he just drew SNICKERS, but now, even though he hears "God Save the Queen7' and thinks it's "La MARSeillaise," the world knows he's not just a Texan JOLLY RANCHER whose TOOTSIE POPS a smile when he comes home at night.At first he had political BUTTERFINGERS, which even Laura admitted, but HER? SHE BARred all reporters. She had MOUNDS of faith in Dubya.Dubya goes thru LIFE SAVERIng every day, getting respect NOW'N LATER. Back in school, some kids picked on him on the playground; they wound up in RECESS PIECES. One kid asked, "Why?" Dubya answered, BABY, RUTHless is my middle name. GODIVA off a low cliff." The current world situation, so GUMMI, BEARS no resemblance to anything Dubya understands. But he has missiles poised. He says, I'm AIMIN'EMS. Dubya's wearing a new self‑protective cologne. It makes the eyes water. It's a number THREE MUSK, IT TEARS you up. It's illegal in Nevada‑Dubya wore it to Clark County and wound up behind CLARK BARS. But at the end of every day, good or bad, Dubya relaxes with his personal favorite treat ... things go better with coke! (By Cynthia MacGregor) Gita Mani won the M. V. P. Award for the second straight year. This award is given to the favorite of all the contestants. Here is Gita's Punniest of Show entry: Today's forecast: PUNNY WIT a WRY spell. Meteorologists HUgh MIDITY and EVA PORATION worked together. What began as a MILD office flirtation with the two making HIGHS at each other turned into an afFAIR that created quite a FLURRY. On dates, they had cocktails at the ISOBAR before HAILing a taxi to THAI PHOON, a restaurant with ATMOSPHERE where they ate with GUST‑o. Though Hugh was well‑educated with many DEGREES, Eva's. parents considered him an ABSOLUTE ZERO. BLACK ICE flashing, Eva countered, "Hugh's no FLAKE and our love is not in VANE." SLICK of arguing, and having failed to TWISTER arm, Eva's parents STORMed out of her room, put on THERMALS and turned off the NORTHERN LIGHTS. Though POLARized from her parents, Eva had CONVECTION. When she moved across the country, she and Hugh kept in touch through long‑distance SQUALLS on the VERIZON.They MIST each other and had no DROUGHT that they wanted to be together FOGood. So, they were RAIN GAUGEd. And later married in SANTA ANA cathedral. Wedding GUSTS were served SHEET lightning CAKE with PERMA FROSTing. Hugh Midity and Eva Poration Eve in the town of DUPONT (dew point) with their two children, GALE and EDDY who love fast food at WINDY's. This is SLEETa Mani reporting live from HOT SUN, Texas. (By Gita Mani) My job as a librarian keeps me very busy. It was only a week before the Pun Off and I was overdue getting my routine written. But I was bound and determined to renew my appearance here, so I booked my flight and began to write. This year's entry may not be a bestseller, but I wanted you to know I'm not spineless. Now you may think a library is a boring place ‑ well, I don't know who circulated that rumor. Of course, you do need to be quiet ‑ that's because there's already too much noise from the volumes of the books. Many libraries have created cozy reading areas where you can relax on a couch, or Alcott, with Thoreau pillows. We all do know who invented the classification system that libraries use. Well, Dewey? Libraries have works by great authors ‑ like Hemingway, Steinbeck and, oh! who's that 16th century playwright? We have more of his plays than you can Shakespeare at. What the Dickens is his name? One patron enjoys getting horror stories, like the Pit and the Pendulum and the Tell Tale Heart. She gets them from the library because she's too Poe to buy thern.If you haven't been there lately, you should checkout your local library. You know, just as you can't judge a book by its cover, you can't judge a librarian by the way she's stacked. Contrary to what you might have heard, librarians are not selfish people. They are really novel lovers. (By Ticia Carter) Even if you're new to Austin, you've probably noticed all the CONGESTION. It's awful. In fact, it's aPOLLEN.. If you suffer like I do, you probably get the ALLERGIST of what I'm saying. You know what springtime has in SPORE for us.The thing is, HIVES seen a doctor. He said, "ALLERGY whiz, look ACHOO!" "It's not just me," I said. "It's my whole family. You can CEDAR FEVER rising every day. And my sister, Hista, refuses to share her medicine with my kids." They say, "ANTHUSTAMINE." "So doc," I said, "We're SUDAFED up, we'd TISSUE if you found a cure. Just ASTHMA husband. RAGWEED take anything to MUCOUS feel better‑just SINUS up!" I even got down on my SNEEZE. So he gave me something he said would CLARITIN a few hours.1 thought, "It DUST MITE work. But now I NOSE he was pulling my ALLEGRA." Sometimes I feel like saying, "HAY FEVER! Go PECAN someone your own size! I'm MOLD and tired AFRIN all these years." But ELM not gonna let it get to me. I'm going home to play SNIFFLEball with the kids, grill up some hamBOOGERS, kick back and take it SNEEZY. Thanks for listening‑ it's BENADRYL. Hope I didn't BLOW it. Make sure you give all DECONGESTANTS a hand. (By Carlotta Stanidewicz) Halo, and welcome to Survival Revival. My name's Pastor Present. Today I'm preaching about Satan; I'll tell you, my friends we're all "Marching to Purgatoria." In the beginning, you could tell something was Eden on that snake‑in‑the‑grass! Didn't give Adam about anything, Eve‑n when he was Abel to raise a little ... Cain here and there. But Old Scratch was itching to achieve great blas‑phame and fortune. When he came faith to faith with a‑men of good character, he wouldn't take Noah for an answer. Wasn't his "ark‑chetype of a guy." Now God didn't let the world fiend for itself, He launched a Promising Land venture with a guy named Aber, hamming it up down somewhere between modem‑day Iraq and a hard place. "Abe ‑‑ I make you my chosen people, because Jew are a cut above the average!" That was about the circumcise of it, but how Beezel‑bubbled with rage! Later, he tried a‑Nile‑ating the Hebrew slaves. Moses was a virtual basket‑case that Pharaoh was foul and foul was Pharaoh. E‑gypt Is‑real bad, which the Man Upstairs wasn't about to lightly Passover. He broke up that little pyramid scheme, and then after sending the Jews running for the emergency exodus ‑everything was kosher. If Satan shook his Faust at a good man once, he did it a millennium times! Remember King David? Got him into hot water just for taking a warm Bath ‑‑ sheba! King Solomon? Made him completely lose his temple. Jonah? Whale, that drop‑in prophet was hard to swallow! Clearly Satin's Sodom‑ination of the world like there was no Gomorrah. Now ‑‑ you're thinking: What Arma‑yougeddon so worried about? Well, friend, read my apocalips: the End is near. 1‑for‑an‑eye kid you not. When you see the handwriting on the wall, it's time to reprint.This may seem like hell‑fire to you now, but remember: this is only a warming! Imagine everlasting PUN‑ishment! For heaven's sake, don't play idol games, 'cause if you gamble with a Para‑dise, you'll Lucifer‑ever your soul. God bless and ... Hallelu‑y'all! (By Jim Hahn) The most innovative routine at the 2002 0. Henry Pun‑Off was this piece by Guy Ben‑Moshe, which was done entirely in Haiku. To Serve In Wqr by Guy Ben‑Moshe The General said: "Go ketchup to terrorists" And troops were mustard Soldiers on a roll Lettuce begin the a‑salt And sandwich them in We did meat the foe They never sausage power Bad guys on the lamb Curves in tank barrels Helps spinach missile along It's trajectory Napoleon said: Army marches on stomach He wasn't kidney Feeding the soldiers Although planned rationally Turns into a mess Oriental armies Sustained soldiers with dog meat Hence the term, "chow down" Genghis Khan had tried Vegetarian menu It didn't bring peas I hope you like my routine. I practiced in front of a baseball, and I kept it in STITCHES. Recently when I was playing baseball, I saw a woman who was pretty as a PITCHER and had great CURVES. She was a real SWINGer who liked to PLAY THE FIELD, and I knew that such a GLOVEly woman would be a good CATCH. I wanted to SCORE with her, so I decided to POP‑UP and say something, even though my success with women hasn't a‑MOUNDed to much. My plan was to WALK up to her and LEADOFF with my best PITCH. I tried to STRIKE up a conversation, but it sounded like a UNIFORM line, and I couldn't get to FIRST BASE with her. She BALKED at my comments and said that I was a SCREWBALL who was out in LEFT FIELD. I STRUCK OUT with her, and even though I was angry at the way she BATTERed me, I decided not to SLUGGER. Afterwards, I found out that she had been attracted to me during the baseball game. But when I was up to bat, I kept hitting the ball foul down the third base line, and she lost interest in me. Apparently she didn't like my FOUL BALLS. A friend said that the audience wouldn't like puns about baseball, but I told him that he was way OFF BASE. And when I stepped onto the stage and saw you, I knew RIGHT OFF THE BAT that I was right, and he will have to ad‑MITT that he was wrong. Well, I will WIND‑UP my story, CAP things off, and HIT the road. You have been a PUNderful audience, and I had a BALL talking to you. (By Kirk MMer) Frank and Ernest are chatting, while they're reading this sign: "WEIGHT CONTROL CENTER." Frank asks, "WHAT DO YOU CALL A SUCCESSFUL DIETERT' Ernest replies, "A GOOD EX‑AMPLE." (BOB THAVES, Punster of the year, 1991) A letter from Grandma: (that Patty Crosbie forwarded via the electronic highway) Dear Children, I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Charlie Horse comes along, and he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life! Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer. Love, Grandma I have come across some rare manuscripts written by a little‑known Florida author named E. Hawingway. One is a book of humor called "The pun also rises". A second is about gTowing old qnd is called " A Farewell to Charms" The last one is the story of an aping opera star who refuses to retire. This of course is, "The Old Man and the High C" (Norm II ( Stevenson) Volume 23 June 2002 The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. it is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members. The Pundit P The Pundit The official newsletter of THE INTERNATIONAL SAVE THE PUN FOUNDATION Patricia Crosbie‑signs in once again with the ISTPF and sends us the following: " FRANIKLY, SCALLOP, I DON'T GIVE A CLAM." (Sem on "PROCRASTINATE NOW." " MY DOG CAN LICK ANYONE." "A HANGOVER IS THE WRATH OF GRAPES." "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... COPS HAVE NOTHING TO GO ON." " MY WIELD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT." " COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS DON'T BYTE, THEY NIBBLE A BIT .11 Cynthia MacGregor star member of tbe PUNY (Pumters United Nearly Yearly) drives tbese carpuns on route puny@yahoogroups.com(You too can take this road just open your email maps and go. Volkswagen: What my dog, Volks, is doing whenever I come home. Packard: Brand of car favored by football players from Green Bay. Chrysler: What I'll do if someone defames my religion. Cadillac: I have nobody to carry my golf clubs. Ford: The best car for crossing rivers. Audi: A bellybutton that isn't an "innie." Saab: An auto that cries real tears. Yugo: Car that doubles as an author (its most famous book was *Les Miserables*) Q: Who is the fish most feared by the other fish? A: The codfather. Q: What was the underwater favorite on the WW III hit parade? A: "Eel Be with You in Apple Blossom Time." Cynthia MacGregor then asked for more fish tails and got: Fm sorry, Cyn, I must've been hard of HERRING yesterday. I was just too busy trying to MAKO living. I know, now you think I'm just FLOUNDERing. so ru SEAS and desist ... and merely say, "SEAL later." James Ertner. (PUNY too.) My daughter asked if she could helpcook the hot dogs so I let her open up and toast the bread. You know what they say, "Grills just want two half buns." (GaryHallock) DearFriends, The following is a joke, then, the resulting pun. war that occurred betwem my hiend PAM in N orfolk and berfiiend MR. DO LITTLE, a happily married man had only one complaint; his wile was always nursing sick birds. One N ovemberevetfwg, became hocw to find a ravenvith a splint on its beak sifting in his firvothe chair. on the dining room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspiriA while in the ldtcbeA his wife was comforting a shivering little wum that she bad found in the snow. T be finious spouse strode overto where his wik was toweling down the cold lit& bird. "I caift take it anymord Weve got to get rid of A of these damix..The wife held up bier hard to cut him offinmid‑curse. "Please, Dear," she said, ‑Not in hrort ofthe CHILLED WREN." From PAMELA &JAMES GREGG BIRD stories from SUSIE: Judy, I thought that you mW,& be amused bythe horrible pun war that my friend BEVE RLY and I have going that was initiated by that "CHILLE D W1U N" bird story that I sent to you last night. BEVE RLY: ‑Why does Susie encourage you with stories like this? I told beryou'would probably want to start a word war about efin birds. That is ROBIN me of ruyvaluable timrWhen I FIN CH Nvith this, I wM be womout. "I E GRE T to say that this one was hard to SWALLOW. OWL just say this, Susie may be REAGLE ly contributing to oitw delinquency. I CANARY say enough about ymw ability to come up with yet another pun Keep this up and I will. be a RAVEN maniac." PAM: "I was very PHEASANTLY surprised by the bird puns that you. sent eadier. I GOOSE you knowby nowthat I thoug1bt I would take ariotherGANDER at thatE‑mail. I really FLOCIKED up on the eadierE ‑naff that I sent to 3"L I meant to say " OWL just saythis" It was sent in edNEST, but BEAKause I was just winging it‑I fiailed to pax3fread. My CRANE‑ium. is not what it used tobe. This became a PARROT‑yof itself. The rest o(my puns are inesCROW. I MINAH be able to find aR of the hiST ORK references that I usually provide. BuL.. ALBATROSS d7at bridge when I come to it. ‑ BE VE RLY: "Let OSPRE Y that vie him nm out ofthese puns!" PAM: "If you can SPARROW‑nuff thne tomorrow, please that& Susie for the great bud story we could come up mith a kw more puns ifwe formed an ad HAWK committee. (my attempts to use "flamingor and "peacocle were even censored by me as vulgar and tasteless‑which says a lot if a bunch of guys with poison ivy go to see a Mariners game and all sit nent to each other, do they call where dr‑y sit"Thelchito?" (Calmen.Feln) Not caring for pink flamingos, I just purchased a plastic parnt to plam in my fiolt yard. I have named it Polly Esther, And then. Norm Stevenson said, ‑1 hear that Prince Edward has hired a personal trainer. He is an heir c(nditioner Daffy" New Holidays" takenhumthe PUNY LOOPS. (Where members of PUNY seW theirvAxdplay to the group ‑Aa cyberspace.) T be cbaUenge here was to name and describe some new bofiday me could pnkiably do WithouL Labor Day ‑ All pK910ant women will defiver on this date by law. He Stir ‑ The man ofthe bouse rnust CoolL Pass sofa ‑ Jewish holiday wtien you. eat unleavened bread and get so bogged down by it intestinally if s a trick to walk beyond the couch without Collapsing in Cdaustion. Decoration Day ‑ Date when you celebrate the s4ning of the Decoration. o( NewEars Day ‑ The daywhenyou tradie in yotw eatdrums for a new set after the old ones ~wete assaulted by backyard fltewuilks the niglht befiam (Cynthia MacGregor) Microsoft Day‑ Always celebrated on the coldest day of the year,'wim everything is sure to fieeze. "Sold by the yard‑vium by the loot"... seen on a sign in a bioadloom stom Bob Hope made substantial comtributions to a clinic for breast surgery. in the brocbme be is quoted as saying, "Thantis forthe nztmmazies." My sewing group! s ivry close‑knit. They accept me'tbough I'm a misfiL We embmider all day, Wbile the puns I do say. People think I'm a fool. ‑‑ a knit‑wit. ‑‑ KitkMifier. Go@ Daflynitkoes fiom U nwebsters: Herucs \bee‑rhos'\ 'What a guy in a boat does. Left Bank AeN bamgk \ What the rubber did when his bag was full of loot misty \mis‑tee, \ Mr. T's daughter. Paradox \par' ‑u‑do&sl \ Tvm mallards. Parasites \par‑ih‑sites'\ What you see fiom the top of the E iffcl Tower. Pokr1ze\pd‑lur‑ize\ Whatpenguins see with Refiff \we‑leef \ Wbat twes do in the spdm Sclfish\sel!‑:fisb!\ Whattheownerof a seafood stoce does. Subdued \sub‑dood \ Like, a guy wbo~ like, Nwxlis on one of tbosc~ like, , marL Sudafed\sood‑a‑&d\ Brought litigation. against a government official 000 since I bave no shame‑ . . or taste). Tbeyv~ere just not eQUAIL to otw usual high standards. I VULTURE to say t1vt you vM find a reply." PAM: "By OSTRICH of the imagination. one of us could vx)rk "birdsbir into a purL CA‑CA‑TOO?" PAM: Unfortunately, neitber of us kept the last few. The aftempts mcre getting quite feeble by that point anyway. T be only one that I can renxMi3er was my suggesdm thatwe allow French puns. WevAxWdvn baw bird puns up the 01SEA U. Gary Hallock sends us for a mithtbis, WHO DRAWS BRIDGES? Dmmbftes cross the moat in front of a fortress. Fortress passes, vic hope the lord will IbEgive us. G1193ous is a pbase of the moon. The pbase of the mom sometimes has tvvo cheeks. Tv*D cbeeks at once is every guys fiffliasy in fiutasy is the time when a baby is verydependant. Deperklant bangs from a ixv1dace. Jack Necklace one oftbose fanxxis golf plus Golf prose is mote boring than poetry. A Poe tree grew in E dgarAllad s back YAI& Backyaas a brand of rum. Rum is a game played m4th airds. Cards ale used on s%vatpants to draw britcbes up, 000 We ham been tNnking of making the PUNDIT ‑an all cyberservice. Ifym haveift aheady (and even ifym have) send ‑us your preferred email address. And always remember, "A day wothout puns is like a day without sunshine There's gloom for improvement. Volume September and October was missed. Go to November THE ICHIRO (Today's pitcher? Calman Fein) The Pundit The official newsletter of THE INTERNATIONAL SAVE THE PUN FOUNDATION December 2002 Gary Hallock riddles us with: What's the name of the Oscar winning 1987 film that seems to have been named after a large vehicle owned by a controversial Korean minister? MOON'S TRUCK. What snake could serve female Siamese twins as an undergarment? A COBRA. A Leprechaun writes an "elf help book" containing recipes for dishes using purple fruit. For professional reasons he wishes to conceal his true identity yet still have his book appeal to the "little people." What should he do? HE SHOULD JSE A GNOME DE PLUM! Mother Goose often drives her children around town on pleasure trips in a horribly non‑fuel‑efficient old Cadillac. Of what politically incorrect practice is she often accused? GAS GOSLING. When a retired platform speaker begins to reminisce nostalgically about his career, of what is he thinking? THE GOOD OLD DIAS. Everyone knows how the Green Giant dresses when he works in the field. But when he goes to a corporate board meeting, what does he usually wear? A THREE PEA SUIT. What did the son of the steel magnate inherit from his father that allowed him to stick with the family business after his father's death? AN IRON WILL What device did Tiny Tim (the singer) put into his mouth that allowed him to reach the high notes required to sing "Tiptoe through the Tulips?" A FALSETTO TEETH. (Also, asks Tiff Wimberly) What WHITTLE boy graduated from the School of Hard KNOCKS and was always able to get out of trouble with his winning ways and plays on words? PUNOCCHIO. Upon awakening, an anthropologist aamed Stone. Found two Iraqis arguing, full blown. With a leg bone it's said, He knocked them both dead Thus, stilling two Kurds with one bone" (out on a limerick again is Life Member, Dave Tozier) A vertically challenged person walks into a department store and asks, "Where are the Christmas . tems?" The clerk breaks into song, "Aisle B, gnome, for Christmas!" (Warren Allen) They have just discovered a never released silent film with a big star in the story of an Indian war. Buster Keaton stars in Custer Beaten. (Directed by Bill Hotchkiss) A Yiddish folk tale is about a picnic at a nudist kibbutz, it's titled, "GOLDIE LOX AND THE THREE BARES. " (As told by Norm Stevenson) Sign in a pet store: "BUY ONE ‑)OG, GET ONE FLEA" A book, you may want to consider giving this year, is one by Mack Rowe, POTY 2000 and Neil Shawen, the wordst punster on the planet, PunToons! Jest for the Health of It It gets these punderfilled acclamations: "Ribbiting!" shouted Kermit, the frog "Truly unpardonable gags." orated W.J. Clinton "Bicarbonate for the soul." Blurped Armand Hammer "Doctoring for Dummies! " posed H. L. Mannequin My wife and I went to the opera. We saw CARMEN. Up until tonight I thought it was the story of General Motors. Still at the opera, Puccini? Isn't he an Italian puppy? Remember one thing: Though the V in debt's silent, It supplies the sting. The lady of the evening's favourite trick was to stand on the curb feigning light headedness. It was an OFF ROAD DIZZY ACT. Mae West claimed she climbed the ladder of sexcess wrong by wrong. Halloween 2002; a bite on the neck may be quite sacramental, but demons are a ghoul's best friend. Have you visited oculist.com? It's a site for sore eyes. (As seen by Norm Stevenson) The chiropractors formed a partnership to open their new clinic. It was a joint venture. Plumbers can only spend a few hours a day at the job. The work is so draining.( Ron Arends, Personal Trainer at the Willowdale Club of the Fitness Institute in Toronto manipulated and flushed these out for us.) My baby goat is lame! He has kid knee failure! My pet turkey has the trots! Wattle I do? A friend of mine told me his iron was broken, but rather than replace it, he was planning on fixing it. "Ah," I replied, "Another one of your neferrous schemes." A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that she's called Patricia Black. So he says, "Ms. Black, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patricia looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $130,000. Ms. Black asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that because he knows the bank manager it'll be okay. Patricia explains that $130,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. Kermit says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patricia explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $130,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Black. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." (Submitted by Larry, seen by many, and worth borrowing again) He came into his urologist's office the doctor asked, "So, what's the good void?" A Priest a Rabbi and a Minister go into a bar. The bartender says, "This must be a joke!" These Xmas Carols are for the psychiatrically challenged: SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Queens Disoriented Are. DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas. NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me. MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and... PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me. PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you Why. PASSIVE‑AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away). BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire. OBSESSIVE‑COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell ............ (better start again) The ski racer fell at the first gate. It was a slalom occasion. And so we come to the close of another year. Remember that a day without puns is like a day without sunshine, there's gloom for improvement. HAPPY HOLIDAYS, EVERYONE. Volume 23 December 2002 The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.
just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. Sea captains don't like crew cuts. Time ffies like an arrow. Fruit ffies like a banana. Vithout geometry, life is pointless. Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well red. , (The above stuff was combed from the annals of wordplay seen in various bars and local hot spots.) The new Holidays proposed by ,Gary Hallock: Froth of July ‑ National beer drinking day. Pearl Arbor Day ‑ Plant a tree inH a w and. Memo Real Day ‑ The day when everyone prints hard copies of their interoffice emails. aI have discovered that the flu is both affirmative and negative. Sometimes the eyes have it and sometimes the nose. (Bless you Andy Chap) 000 Overheard during surgery, "Look at that! His kidney is shaped like a swimming pool." @o@ Doug Wilson of Avril Park N.Y. tells us about the two blood corpuscles that had a love affair. It didn't work out. They loved in vein. People said "Aorta be ashamed of themselves. Now that June is over you may say it is August. If you do, July. We will be here in August. And always remember, '% day withoutpuns is like a day with out sunshine. There's gloom for improvement. Volume 23 JULY 2002
The Pundit
The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation
AH, at last!! We're back. There was a crack in the foundation but we found it and fixed it. The computer gods got there in time to repair, and so, to allay any fears that our members had, that the ISTPF had gone and disappeared. NOT SO. We were cracked up by the electronic world which corrupted the halls of the foundation and caused a great loss of UN backed up data which was needed to continue the PUNDIT. Although we have not been able to retrieve the lost files, we will start from scratch and replace your itch for the puns that have been coming your way since June 1981. Hopefully, this is the beginning of a new era. Please, if you have an email address, send to the ISTPF at punpunpun@rogers.com . The idea is to send the Pundit out over the waves and only the very few that are not connected will receive it via the snail. Oh yes, since we were out for three months, your membership will extend for those and we'll be up to snuff again. How's that? Now, let's have some puns.
These are the choices of the cyber folk's entries to the www.punpunpun.com , the site of the ISTPF.Some of the old favorite singers and
bands have re-released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience.
Some examples:
- Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker."
- The Rolling Stones: "You Can't Always Pee When You Want."
- Credence Clearwater Revival: "Bad Prune Rising."
- Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts." - ABBA: "Denture Queen."
- The Who: "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication."
- The Troggs: "Bald Thing."
- Carly Simon: "You're So Varicose Vein."
- The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip."
- Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face."
- Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now."
- The Temptations: "Papa Got a Kidney Stone."
- Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping." - Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom."
- Procol Harem: "A Whiter Shade of Hair."
- The Beatles: "I Get By With a Little Help From Depends" ...A daffyntion, ELLIPTICAL: The shape of a kiss.Scientists have discovered the gene that causes shyness.It was hiding behind another gene.It is going to be forbidden to own a dog in Iran. Therefore it will become a NO BARKING ZONE.With the new models coming out, my uncle went to buy a new car. He liked the Mercedes, but didn't have enough cash. So he bought what he could, a Ford.Paul McCartney (of the Beatles) was recently knighted by the knighting authority of the United Kingdom. His music will be more expensive due to the "SIR" charge.The following are from the pun filled mind of Norm Stevenson.:Recently Marcel Marceau was waiting to be seated in a busy restaurant when he tried to slip the maitre'd $50 to seat him right away. The man just shook his head and said, I will serve no mime before his time. A fellow recently demanded a large ransom to release a busload of tourists from Prague, that he had hijacked and hidden in a cave. When it was discovered that the whole thing was a scam, he was charged with the fraudulent caching of Czechs A fellow was sunning himself on the deck of his sailboat when a piece of rigging fell and crushed him. After extensive investigation the coroner issued his official findings and the victim was pronounced as being A SPAR MANGLED TANNER A fellow came home and discovered a lovely young lady was cavorting on his roof. Puzzled, he sat down to watch her fetching antics and ponder the situation. He soon remembered he had recently responded to an online offer and ordered a free dish installation. (Norm Stevenson's signal is very clear) At a base ball game recently, the guy calling balls and strikes was born in Rome Italy, grew up in Rome New York, and now lives in Rome Georgia.
That's right. He is a wholly roman umpire....Is a pharmacist a pillar of society?…Pizza Hut is expanding their operations by building a 24 story training center which will be dubbed the LEARNING TOWER OF PIZZA …Sign in a funeral home: FREE BIER FOR RECENTLY DECEASED MEMBERS OF A/A ...CHEEP IS TALK, so say all the birds. They brought them up safe and sound, except for a few miner injuries. "I smelt gold." said one. "Who's, yours ore mine?" said another. While in the almost flooded shaft they sang Coal Porter songs, like Down in the Depths, Night and Day, All of You, Where Oh Where, From this Moment On, So Near Yet So Far, and last Your the Top. I didn't star in the astronomy contest, but I did win the constellation prize!" …This from PUNSTERS UNITED NEARLY YEARLY, affectionately known as PUNY: The puppeteer watched old Mouseketeer reruns, fell in love, and decided to marionette. (With no objections from Cynthia MacGregor) ...DAVID was married "TOSHIBA" And they had a "SAN"-"YO" ... Leo told a story of his acquisition of shares in a rabbit farm. He called it, "WARREN PIECE" (It was a hare raising tale) …Heir apparent: To take your elderly Mom and Dad out for a walk. I noticed a Corvette today with the license number "VETDREAM"My guess is that the owner is displaying the fact that his car had passed all of the nocturnal emissions tests.If a bunch of guys with poison ivy go to see a Mariners game, and all sit next to each other, what do they call where they sit?
warehouse. He knew this fellow had been up to no good because he
suddenly made a bolt for the door
Most monkeys are not interested in politics because they're
ape-olitical. Did you hear about the veterinarian who was barred from performing
any surgery because he suffered from bouts of epilepsy? The cops
busted him for attempting to operate on a sick predatory bird but the
case was thrown out on a technicality. It was an ill eagle surgeon
seizure. Did you hear that the "Lord of the Rings" actor who played Bilbo Baggins is going to appear in the next Bruce
Willis action picture? It's called "Old Hobbits Die Hard." … So, as we try to catch up and bring you the Pundit and all that it's word, remember that a day without puns is like a day without sunshine. There's gloom for improvement.
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