The International Save the Pun Foundation

January 1, 1998

The nominations for the Ten Best Stressed Puns of 1997 have poured into

the post office box of the ISTPF. They have been tabulated and

counted. Much time has been spent in putting together this most

anticipated list. It is with great excitement that the Chairman of the

Bored Too, Norman Gilbert, announced, for the groaning pleasure of

the members of this, the oldest apocryphal society, the ten puns that

were best stressed during the year 1997.

A white lie is aversion of the truth.

...

Soupçon is French for a small amount only morceau.

...

A cow suddenly stopped giving milk. Her udder failure could have been

attributed to her sorry love life. She got a bum steer. Depressed she curdled

up with a Duke Ellington CD, and a bottle of plum wine, and she mooed

indigo.

...

Ivana Trump marries Orson Bean. She then divorces him to marry His

Majesty, King Oscar, then finds that royally unsuitable. She abdicates that

and moves into showbiz with Louis B. Mayer. She found the lime too light

and left it for her present husband, Norbert Wiener. Her mail is addressed to

Ivana Bean Oscar Meyer Wiener.

...

Which famous golfer is a connoisseur of great wines?

Litre Vino.

...

A group of Lebanese guerillas were on trial in Beirut for a terrorist bombing.

Jury selection was underway. The group's lawyers believed that their clients

were guilty.

There was only one way that the terrorists could get away with anything less

than a death sentence. That was to stack the jury with people who were

sympathetic to their cause. In other words, LIFE IS JUST HEZBOLLAH

JURIES.

...

Is bilious the way you feel when you open your mail at the first of the

month?

...

What do you call a sports car made of wood?

A LUMBER ghini.

...

In France they make their omelets with only one egg.

You see, in France one egg is an oeuf.

...

Carly: " What is the opposite of joy?"

Haley: " Sadness. What is the opposite of depression?"

Carly: "Elation, and what's the opposite of woe?"

Dad: "I believe that's giddyap."

...

There is not much fun in medicine, but there is a lot of medicine in fun.

Just a philosophical pill to draw the curtain on 1997's best-stressed puns.

There you have it then. If you would like to share your puns with us or

become a member of this august group of paranamours, please write to us at

P.O. Box 5040, Station A,

Toronto, Ontario,

Canada M5W 1N4.

Or e-mail us at ngilbert@netcom.ca

Or visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

The International Save the Pun Foundation

For release: January 1, 1999

THE TEN BEST STRESSED PUNS OF 1998

It is the eighteenth time that we announce the 10 Best Stressed Puns of the year.

Norman Gilbert, Chairman of the Bored II tells us that these puns have received the most votes by the members of the Foundation, the pun devotees (should that be devotors?) and will therefore take their place in the annals of pun history.

Is the George Washington Bridge a car-mangled spanner?

***

Orson Wells portrayed a spy, in the motion picture The Third Man. During World War II, the spy was a British agent known by the code name, Harry Lime. Harry was very near-sighted and wore thick glasses. His assignment behind enemy lines, disguised, as a German Officer would have been impossible, except that the Americans had invented a new form of lens for the myopic. These contact lenses were undergoing clinical trials at the Walter Reed Naval Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland. Arrangements were made to transport Harry secretly to Bethesda by submarine to be fitted by the lens crafters. Harry, among other things, had had several dalliances, and it was known that he had an old flame in nearby Washington. The authorities were afraid that Harry would use this opportunity in America to take an unauthorized vacation. They decided that they must make his instructions very explicit. Therefore, just before leaving for the ship, he was called to the control office where he was given this direct order!

"YOU ARE TO GO DIRECTLY FROM THE SUB, LIME, TO THE REED OCULIST."

***

The apparel industry tells us that most customers are overweight buyin' large.

***

The police were looking for ‘Joseph'. He had robbed a bank in the port city of Haifa. The suspect was described as the offspring of a defrocked Spanish lady of the cloth and a German father. He was an accomplished flautist, and he had been known to herd cows on occasion. The wanted poster described him as a

  "HAIFA-LOOTIN', FLUTIN' TEUTON, SON-OF-A-NUN FROM BARCELONA, PART-TIME PLOWBOY JOE."

***

Overheard this past year in the Capitol.

"I can't believe he did it right in the Oval office."

"First, he doesn't consider the shape to be an oval, second, he doesn't think it was a sexual relationship, and finally it's only an oval office if you do it there with a small-breasted female undercover agent."

"What?"

"Don't you see? It's never oval 'til the flat lady stings."

***

Dancing cheek to cheek is really a form of floor play.

***

From the Academy Award winning movie, Titanic, comes this menu. It was the dinner on that fatal day in April 1912.

Iceberg lettuce

Leeks

Sanka coffee (drip-brewed)

Watercress

(D) Round steak.

"A toast", shouted the Captain, "Bottoms up!"

***

Aisle, Altar, Hymn the bride thought as she entered the church.

***

Marriages evolve this way;

He goes to adore.

He rings the belle.

He gives his name to a maid.

And then he's taken in.

***

Found on the tombstone of Sir John Strange.

Here lies an honest lawyer,

And that is Strange.

***

The banner that graces the pages of the Pundit and the Web site reads,

A day without puns is like a day without sunshine; there's gloom for improvement.

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiratiAon of its members.

THE TEN BEST STRESSED PUNS OF 2008

Puns voted by the members of the International Save the Pun Foundation to be the ten best stressed puns posted in the Pundit's pages in 2008.

Two birds are sitting on a perch. One says to the other, "Do you smell fish?"

Clark, Lois, and Jimmy were striding down the streets of Metropolis one sunny afternoon. As they passed a construction site, Lois noticed a worker carrying a load of bricks up the ladder on his shoulder. She stopped dead, looked hard at him; then turned to the others and said," Someone should write a song: 'Bricking Up is Hod to Do'." Jimmy Olsen stopped dead in his tracks, slapped his thigh, and let loose a series of guffaws that reverberated across the street. He suddenly paused mid-laugh and looked at Clark, who stood there, stoic as ever.  "Gee, Mr. Kent that was a real laugh. Don't you get it?" "Sorry, Jimmy," replied Clark Kent. "I ignore those. Remember that puns are the Lois form of humor."

Horses may get into the movies, but they're usually saddled with the bit parts.

(COUNTS AS WON)

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds.

2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do.

3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.

4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.

5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.

6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.

8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.

10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.

11. MISTY: How golfers create divots.

12. PARADOX: Two physicians

13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

14. PHARMACIST: a helper on the farm.

15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with.

16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring.

18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.�

19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.

20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official.

(THIS KID'S STUFF KOUNTS AS ONE too)

These are actually answers given by children on their science exam:
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!) A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death. (Wonder if the CDC is aware of this disease).

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?! (e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

The primary responsibility for a child's education is apparent.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try, and try a grin.

Bilingual Puns are Twice the Fun         

A good pun is its own reword, and bi-lingual puns are twice as rewording as those that stay within the boundaries of a single language. Some of the most pyrotechnic puns have a French twist, into which you can sink your teeth -- bon motlars, perhaps:

•·       Why do the French need only one egg to make an omelet? Because in France, one egg is un oeuf.

•·       Have you stayed at the new luxury hotel in town? It's a site for soirees.

•·       Have you heard about the student in Paris who spent too much time sitting in a hard chair studying? She got sore buns.

•·       Have you heard about the milk maid who worked on a really big farm? She had a prominent dairy air.

•·       Pas de deux: the father of twins.

•·       Jeanne d'Arc: a bathroom with no light. 

•·       Coup de grace: what a French lawn mower does.

•·       Eau de Cologne: I'll pay for the perfume later.

•·       Cul de sac: Sort paper bags.

•·       Ma Belle Dame sans merci: unfriendly telephone operator

•·       S'il vous plait: not Sterling

•·       Soupcon: dinner's ready.

•·       N'est-ce pas: papa bird

•·       A company tried to manufacture prosthetic devices for feline amputees, but found there was no market for the product. You might say that they committed a faux paw.

•·       A feline kept yacking away inappropriately. Finally, his fellow felines tied an anchor around his legs and threw him in to a river. The result: Undue twaddle; cat sank.

•·       "I hate reading Victor Hugo," said Les miserably.

•·       Motto of the three musketeers: "En garde, we thrust."

•·       A class of second graders inadvertently came up with a French pun. After an especially hard day, the teacher sighed aloud, "C'est la vie."

With one voice the children called out, "La vie!"

Here are some polyglot plays on words that should be understandable, even without much knowledge of a second language:

•·       At an Italian restaurant I don't know whether I'm antipasto or provolone.

•·       Have you heard about the liberated Irish woman? Her name was Erin Go Braless.

•·       When a pig roast takes place in England, several boars are needed to feed the hungry, but in Russia, one Boris Gudonov.

•·       Have you heard about the Chinese restaurant that stays open twenty-four hours a day? It's called Wok Around the Clock.

•·       Have you visited the Jewish section of India's capital city? It's called Kosher Delhi.

•·       Does that last pun get a standing oy vaytion?

•·       No question about it. Adolf Hitler created a terrible fuhrer.

•·       What do you call a secondhand clothing store in India? Whose Sari Now?

•·       When Brutus told Julius Caesar that he had eaten a whole squab, Caesar replied, "Et tu, Bruté."

•·       A classics teacher in Maine owns a boat that he's christened Navego, which is Latin for "I sail" and pronounced "Now we go."

•·       The space station Mir has had so many collisions because objects in Mir are closer than they appear.

•·       Mexican weather report: Chili today, hot tamale.

•·       A Mexican visiting the United States went into a store to buy a pair of socks. He spoke no English, and the clerk didn't know a word of Spanish. Through pantomime, the Mexican tried to explain what he needed, without much success. The clerk brought out shoes, then tried sneakers, then slippers, then laces -- all to no avail. Finally, he came out of the stockroom with a pair of socks, and the Mexican exclaimed, "Eso sí que es!"

Said the exasperated clerk, "Well, for crying out loud. If you could spell it, why didn't you say so in the first place?"

•·       There are many stories related to the sinking of the Titanic. Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. For example, most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

•·       On a Monday morning, the mayor of New York gathered reporters and announced the rejuvenation of the ailing New York City transit system. The New York Daily News reporter covering the story realized that the situation was too good to be true. His headline read: SICK TRANSIT'S GLORIOUS MONDAY.

•·       Chico Marx once took umbrage upon hearing someone exultantly exclaim, "Eureka!" Chagrined, Chico shot back, "You doan smella so good yourself!"

Signs That Things Are Weird:

** In a clothing store: "Wonderful; bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

** On an Indiana mall marquee: "Archery tournament: Ears Pierced."

** Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

** On an Ohio highway: "Drive slower when wet."

** In downtown Boston: "Calahan Tunnel/ No End."

** In a Massachusetts parking area reserved for birdwatchers: "Parking for birds only."

** In front of a New Hampshire restaurant: "Now serving live lobsters."

** In the window of an Oregon general store: "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

The Italian government is considering installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa. The reason? What good is it if you have the inclination, but you don't have the time?

...sew there they are,