April 2002

THE ANNUAL PUN DINNER will be held on Tuesday April 23 at Renato Ristorante,

THE 25th ANNUAL O.HENRY PUN‑OFF WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS will be held on MAY 4, 2002 ‑ Noon ‑5pm at Wooldridge Square, in downtown Austin, TX. Jest for pun! The tradition of mirth and mayhem will continue uninterrupted. This overt assault on our anguished language annually lures both veteran verbivores and naive neophytes on a passionate pilgrimage to meet their Mecca in Austin. Spaces are open for 32 competitive pun slingers in two different categories of competition. This year the celebrity judge panel will feature Richard Lederer, POTY 1990, best selling author of many books and articles on language use and abuse. Visit him at http:Hwww.verbivore.com Although the crowd groans louder and larger each year, contest registration and admission are still free. Word butchers and prospective pundits who wish to jest for a wordy cause are invited to call or visit the museum. If you are itching for more inflammation, for interviews or details, contact our Executing Director Gary Hallock at 512/453‑4431 or 512/9739929, email e.hallockamail.utexas.edu.

Tom Swifty says: "It's no wonder we're not catching any fish. These worms taste awful", Tom spoke with baited breath.

"I wonder if the doctor said to put my coffee on to boil, or to put coffee on my boil", Lance postulated insistently.

"Of course my breakfast grocery order looks like melting clocks. It's a cereal list", said Salvador Dali.

I'm so very glad the answer to that math problem came out right", said Tom summarily.

"Yes, I can't not work in an atomic power plant. Have I dyslexia", was Tom's unclear answer.

A wise little parakeet once told me, "Talk is cheep, but I still try to stay within my budgie."

What's the difference between a plucked bird and one whose feathers haven't grown in yet? It's a matter of a pinion.

An old crow complained to the magpie, "Why didn't you answer my caws?" The magpie answered, "Same as always, I'm ignoring you for just caws. " Then the parrot chimed in, "Can I interest either of you in supporting macaws?" Suddenly the cat leaped down upon the crow and grabbed him by the throat. Yes, Tom broke caw.

A dance instructor comes into a bar and enthusiastically says, "The drinks are on me!" The bartender says, "Hey, you can't just waltz in here and order everyone a round like that!" One day recently my wife had a dental appointment early in the morning, so she didn't fill her thermos

Did you hear about the guy that thought Peter Pan was a washbasin in a house of ill repute?

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Norm Stevenson has suggested that a Gershwin heir has done a musical to the queen and her pets. It's called, Corgi and Bess.

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Anita Moravec Gard saw this musical review and added.... I understand she has put together a panel of advisors to explore options for building more public toilets. It is, of course, her "Privy Council." I'm afraid this might be over your head, unless you live in Flushing, NY. Personally, when I heard the news I was bowled over. I think the press should have kept the lid on it. It really shouldn't have been the number one news story. Who do you suppose is behind this? You're in the right place.

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Sign seen in a City restaurant: "OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS."

David A. Tozier, in his capacity of a Financial Advisor offers these tips: Very important, you must read this now. This may be another ENRON. Please review any holdings that you might have in the following stocks. American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, Northern Tissue Co. Due to uncertain market conditions, I advise to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today and millions were wiped clean.

EVENTS OF THE NEW OLYMPICS

JUGGLING THREE DISHES THAT ALL REQUIRE MUCH ATTENTION IN THE FINAL TEN MINUTES BEFORE DINNER.

MATHEMATICS FOR COOKS WHO HAVE THREE DISHES TO GO INTO THE OVEN AT THREE DIFFERENT TEMPS. (Cynthia MacGregor, a Gold)

HEIR CURLING ‑ Youngsters slide across the ice sitting on their mother's irons.

SNOW CALIGRAPHY ‑ Drunken patrons of local bars endorse checks written on the snow bank.

OLYMPIC HOOP ROLLING ‑ Boys in knee britches push 5 rings across the ice.

FLAGPOLE LICKING ‑ Usually won by the Poles.

SNOWBALLROOM DANCING ‑ Just like ice dancing but the ladies wear skates with heels.

ICE FISSION ‑ Nuclear submarine captains attempt to break holes in the polar ice caps.

POLAR BARE CLUBBING ‑ Much like baby seal clubbing except the prey is larger and the participants are naked.

THE 2 MAN LUGIE ‑ Mark Spitz and George Bernard Chaw expectorate highly on this one. (Phlegm at eleven. Gary Hallock, a Gold too)

SNOW CONE EATING: Two kilos of fresh snow drizzled with Hershey's Chocolate Syrup (official syrup sponsors to the Olympics) must be consumed with five minutes to qualify.

POLAR BEAR WRESTLING: Since there is wrestling in the Summer Olympics, why not in the Winter Olympics? The polar bear will have a "groin harness" similar to bucking broncos to make this event even livelier.

HURLING ... after pulling many Gs in the bobsled or while luging the athletes have a chance to get extra points by hurling the furthest distance. (Tiff Wimberly, Brawns) THE SIDEWALK CLEARING EVENT: One ton of snow is dumped on a four‑meter stretch of sidewalk, and the Olympian must sweep it off with a 50cm wide snow shovel. (Peeing on the snow to melt some of it is grounds for disqualification.)

with java when she left the house. She speculated that she might swing back by the house later on her way to work. Thus the drip pot was still on when I left home as I speculated to my son, "She may or may not come back to fill her thermos. Either way, it's safe to assume she will have Mr. Coffee."

The boss of a small company called a spontaneous

staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful

week. When everyone gathered, the employer,

who understood the benefits of having fun, told the

burnt‑out staff the purpose of the meeting was to

have a quick contest and the theme was "Viagra

advertising slogans." The only rule was that they

had to use past ad slogans (originally written for

other products) that captured the essence of Viagra.

Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes

later, they turned in their suggestions, and created a

"Top Ten List."

Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzz Up!"

Viagra, The quicker pecker upper

Viagra, Like a rock!

Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be

there overnight.

Viagra, Be all that you can be.

Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

Viagra, Strong enough for a woman, but made for

a man.

Viagra, We bring good things to life!

And then there were more:

Bread, the staff of life. Viagra, the life of staff.

Come alive!

Viagra, Drivers wanted.

Viagra, It's Grr=eat!

Start me up!

Fly United.

Think, "Inside the box."

The best to you each morning.

Look, People! The Saturday Evening Post. Life!

We try harder.

I love what you do for me!

Viagra: It's good to the last drop.

Viagra refreshes the parts other drugs cannot reach.

Youll take a lickin'and keep on tickin'

Viagra: They're GREAT!!!

M`rn, Mm Good! It's the real thing.

It goes on and on and on and on and on and....

(Kim Soriano)

And even more .....

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh what a feeling!! Vi‑agra!

If you think it's bigger, but it's not.

It's not nice to fool Mother Nature.

Home of the Whopper!

Just say "Super Size It!"

Have it Your Way!

Plumps when you take it.

Fills you up, not out. (Bradley)

Oops! Here's some more...

Just what the doctor ordered.

Viagra, Size matters.

Where's the beef9

Takin' it to the top!

Viagra! You will believe that a man can fly.

Zoom, zoom, zoom.

Is it real, or is it Viagra?

It's finger lickin' good.

You've come a long way, baby!

Viagra, You'll stand behind everything we swell.

(Gary Hallock)

Just recently George W. Bush has taken some flak for using the phrase "axis of evil" to describe countries that harbor terrorism. I think the media didn't hear it just right and what he really said was a phrase describing how he is trying to save America from "taxes of evil". Fighting the fight, just like his dad fought against the "no new taxes of evil". And while I am on the subject, the media misquoted him another time when he supposedly gaffed and used the word "crusade" in the beginning of our war on terrorism ... what he really was talking about was helping our ground forces in Afghanistan by saying that "we are going to our crew's aid." By the way, he wasn't talking about our most dangerous weapons the other day. He was merely chatting with reporters when he told them that he bought an ice chest, "Wanna see my new cooler?" And to think that the media has misrepresented him all this time! (Tiff Wimberley)

When I consider how sweaters tend to make me sweat, I'm a lot less inclined to wear a windbreaker. (Lewis O'Brien)

@(D@

URBAN SLUSH SLOGGING ‑ Timing booted pedestrians as they commute through deep slush.

AVALANCHE SURFING ‑ Small cannons set off avalanches and the surfers catch the crest.

IGLOO BUILDING ‑ Traditional and New Wave Ice Flow Survivor ‑ Contestants vote each other off the ice. (Ken Pinkham, Shiver)

Watch the www.punpunpun.co web site for up to date and breaking news of the 2 most important upcoming annual events that are so important to the saving of the pun. The Annual O.Henry Pun‑Off and The Annual Save the Pun Foundation Dinner.

a day without puns is like a day without sunshine. There Is gloom for improvement.