June 2002

The official newsletter of THE INTERNATIONAL SAVE THE PUN FOUNDATION

Jim Ertner and Tiff Wimberly tied for Punniest of show, each receiving four scores of nine for a total of 36. The audience was then asked to choose the winner. Jim was awarded the trophy by virtue of a 'clap‑off '.

There's a little known animal that begins with the letter X. It's actually a Greek swordfish, spelled X‑I‑P‑H

I‑I‑D‑A‑E, and it's pronounced ZIFF‑EYE‑IH‑DEE. As Paul Harvey might say, "Now for the REST of the

AARDVARK a million miles to put 26 animal puns in alphabetical order. I'd BADGER you and I'd keep

CARPING on the subject, until I have no iDEERs left. I'd have no EGRETs, however, as I FERRET out

more animal puns. If necessary, I'd even GOPHER broke. Some may say it's a RAREbrained attempt; but,

IGUANA tell you, I'm no JACKASS ‑‑ and I KID you not. I'm not doing this for a LARK (although maybe

just a MITE) So don't NAG me. In fact, you OTTER try to PARROT me. But don't QUAIL from the

challenge. After all, you don‑t have to be a RACCOON‑teur. So just SALMON up some courage, before

you take a TERN for the worse. Don't be afraid of people saying to you, "UNICORNiest person I know."

Stop crying and VIPER nose. Then say, "WALLABY a son‑of‑a‑gun," and start singing, "Zip‑a‑dee doo

dah, XIPHIIDAE ay." Soon you'll be a YAK‑of‑all‑trades, and can put all of these animal puns in a book

It's time for a great and powerful PAUSE for the weather... I'm your meteorologist Dorothy GALE. The forecast for OZtin calls for mostly PUNNY with a chance of BLUNDER. So. WINDCHILL like to hear my CURRENT CONDITIONS? You may recall I HAIL from Kansas where I WEATHERED a TURBULENT childhood. I was hit on the head with a window and I'm still feeling that PANE. My house dropped on a witch but I wasn't arrested for HOME‑ICIDE. Then I met men with no brain, no heart and no courage... typical! I'm sorry ... I just dumped my conceited boyfriend,so, now I'm somewhere over my VAIN BEAU. But, this was like my third loser... so it seems I've PICKED my HEELS three times! I dated a hypnotist from ARID ZONA and there was no DROUGHT about it I was under his DRY SPELL. He treated me like a NIMBUS CELL. I hit a RECORD LOW and my dog was a TOTO basket case! When we broke up I said to my dog, "Toto, I have a feeling we are not in TRANCES anymore!" I dated a weatherman named Barry Metric. He was good‑looking, FAHRENHEIT but an ABSOLUTE ZERO. I PREDICTED a STORMY RELATIONSHIP WITH A 50%CHANCE OF ISOLATED PAIN. Our WHIRLWIND courtship RAN HOT ... COLD and he wanted to get CIRRUS. I could feel BARRY METRIC PRESSURE me to marry him, but he hung out in ISOBARS and drank so many WINES AND CIDERS AND BEERS, oh my! I said he had problems and he said DEWPOINT them out.1 gave him the third degree which PRECIPITATED our break up. Looking back, in RELATIVE HUMILITY, my life hasn't been a BREEZE! Maybe this was all a dream. You've been an OZsome crowd. . I bid you all a DEW!

Wars always begin

When one army goes pasta

The other side's border

Healthy sergeant leads

But when you hear him coffees

Going to get creamed

Peace alternative

Squashes the arms production

And we can't halve that

Give soldiers tictacs Because tactics like these leave Men hungry for war.

Life for President Bush has really been SWEET. While you and I bemoan the current world conflicts, he tells his wife, "ALMOND JOYing finally being important." At one time he just drew SNICKERS, but now, even though he hears "God Save the Queen7' and thinks it's "La MARSeillaise," the world knows he's not just a Texan JOLLY RANCHER whose TOOTSIE POPS a smile when he comes home at night.At first he had political BUTTERFINGERS, which even Laura admitted, but HER? SHE BARred all reporters. She had MOUNDS of faith in Dubya.Dubya goes thru LIFE SAVERIng every day, getting respect NOW'N LATER. Back in school, some kids picked on him on the playground; they wound up in RECESS PIECES. One kid asked, "Why?" Dubya answered, BABY, RUTHless is my middle name. GODIVA off a low cliff." The current world situation, so GUMMI, BEARS no resemblance to anything Dubya understands. But he has missiles poised. He says, I'm AIMIN'EMS. Dubya's wearing a new self‑protective cologne. It makes the eyes water. It's a number THREE MUSK, IT TEARS you up. It's illegal in Nevada‑Dubya wore it to Clark County and wound up behind CLARK BARS. But at the end of every day, good or bad, Dubya relaxes with his personal favorite treat ... things go better with coke! (By Cynthia MacGregor)

Gita Mani won the M. V. P. Award for the second straight year. This award is given to the favorite of all the contestants. Here is Gita's Punniest of Show entry:

Today's forecast: PUNNY WIT a WRY spell. Meteorologists HUgh MIDITY and EVA PORATION worked together. What began as a MILD office flirtation with the two making HIGHS at each other turned into an afFAIR that created quite a FLURRY. On dates, they had cocktails at the ISOBAR before HAILing a taxi to THAI PHOON, a restaurant with ATMOSPHERE where they ate with GUST‑o. Though Hugh was well‑educated with many DEGREES, Eva's. parents considered him an ABSOLUTE ZERO. BLACK ICE flashing, Eva countered, "Hugh's no FLAKE and our love is not in VANE." SLICK of arguing, and having failed to TWISTER arm, Eva's parents STORMed out of her room, put on THERMALS and turned off the NORTHERN LIGHTS. Though POLARized from her parents, Eva had CONVECTION. When she moved across the country, she and Hugh kept in touch through long‑distance SQUALLS on the VERIZON.They MIST each other and had no DROUGHT that they wanted to be together FOGood. So, they were RAIN GAUGEd. And later married in SANTA ANA cathedral. Wedding GUSTS were served SHEET lightning CAKE with PERMA FROSTing. Hugh Midity and Eva Poration Eve in the town of DUPONT (dew point) with their two children, GALE and EDDY who love fast food at WINDY's. This is SLEETa Mani reporting live from HOT SUN, Texas. (By Gita Mani)

My job as a librarian keeps me very busy. It was only a week before the Pun Off and I was overdue getting my routine written. But I was bound and determined to renew my appearance here, so I booked my flight and began to write. This year's entry may not be a bestseller, but I wanted you to know I'm not spineless. Now you may think a library is a boring place ‑ well, I don't know who circulated that rumor. Of course, you do need to be quiet ‑ that's because there's already too much noise from the volumes of the books. Many libraries have created cozy reading areas where you can relax on a couch, or Alcott, with Thoreau pillows. We all do know who invented the classification system that libraries use. Well, Dewey? Libraries have works by great authors ‑ like Hemingway, Steinbeck and, oh! who's that 16th century playwright? We have more of his plays than you can Shakespeare at. What the Dickens is his name? One patron enjoys getting horror stories, like the Pit and the Pendulum and the Tell Tale Heart. She gets them from the library because she's too Poe to buy thern.If you haven't been there lately, you should checkout your local library. You know, just as you can't judge a book by its cover, you can't judge a librarian by the way she's stacked. Contrary to what you might have heard, librarians are not selfish people. They are really novel lovers. (By Ticia Carter)

Even if you're new to Austin, you've probably noticed all the CONGESTION. It's awful. In fact, it's aPOLLEN.. If you suffer like I do, you probably get the ALLERGIST of what I'm saying. You know what springtime has in SPORE for us.The thing is, HIVES seen a doctor. He said, "ALLERGY whiz, look ACHOO!" "It's not just me," I said. "It's my whole family. You can CEDAR FEVER rising every day. And my sister, Hista, refuses to share her medicine with my kids." They say, "ANTHUSTAMINE." "So doc," I said, "We're SUDAFED up, we'd TISSUE if you found a cure. Just ASTHMA husband. RAGWEED take anything to MUCOUS feel better‑just SINUS up!" I even got down on my SNEEZE. So he gave me something he said would CLARITIN a few hours.1 thought, "It DUST MITE work. But now I NOSE he was pulling my ALLEGRA." Sometimes I feel like saying, "HAY FEVER! Go PECAN someone your own size! I'm MOLD and tired AFRIN all these years." But ELM not gonna let it get to me. I'm going home to play SNIFFLEball with the kids, grill up some hamBOOGERS, kick back and take it SNEEZY. Thanks for listening‑ it's BENADRYL. Hope I didn't BLOW it. Make sure you give all DECONGESTANTS a hand. (By Carlotta Stanidewicz)

Halo, and welcome to Survival Revival. My name's Pastor Present. Today I'm preaching about Satan; I'll tell you, my friends we're all "Marching to Purgatoria." In the beginning, you could tell something was Eden on that snake‑in‑the‑grass! Didn't give Adam about anything, Eve‑n when he was Abel to raise a little ... Cain here and there. But Old Scratch was itching to achieve great blas‑phame and fortune. When he came faith to faith with a‑men of good character, he wouldn't take Noah for an answer. Wasn't his "ark‑chetype of a guy." Now God didn't let the world fiend for itself, He launched a Promising Land venture with a guy named Aber, hamming it up down somewhere between modem‑day Iraq and a hard place. "Abe ‑‑ I make you my chosen people, because Jew are a cut above the average!" That was about the circumcise of it, but how Beezel‑bubbled with rage! Later, he tried a‑Nile‑ating the Hebrew slaves. Moses was a virtual basket‑case that Pharaoh was foul and foul was Pharaoh. E‑gypt Is‑real bad, which the Man Upstairs wasn't about to lightly Passover. He broke up that little pyramid scheme, and then after sending the Jews running for the emergency exodus ‑everything was kosher. If Satan shook his Faust at a good man once, he did it a millennium times! Remember King David? Got him into hot water just for taking a warm Bath ‑‑ sheba! King Solomon? Made him completely lose his temple. Jonah? Whale, that drop‑in prophet was hard to swallow! Clearly Satin's Sodom‑ination of the world like there was no Gomorrah. Now ‑‑ you're thinking: What Arma‑yougeddon so worried about? Well, friend, read my apocalips: the End is near. 1‑for‑an‑eye kid you not. When you see the handwriting on the wall, it's time to reprint.This may seem like hell‑fire to you now, but remember: this is only a warming! Imagine everlasting PUN‑ishment! For heaven's sake, don't play idol games, 'cause if you gamble with a Para‑dise, you'll Lucifer‑ever your soul. God bless and ... Hallelu‑y'all! (By Jim Hahn)

The most innovative routine at the 2002 0. Henry Pun‑Off was this piece by Guy Ben‑Moshe, which was done entirely in Haiku. To Serve In Wqr by Guy Ben‑Moshe

The General said:

"Go ketchup to terrorists"

And troops were mustard

Soldiers on a roll

Lettuce begin the a‑salt

And sandwich them in

We did meat the foe

They never sausage power

Bad guys on the lamb

Curves in tank barrels

Helps spinach missile along

It's trajectory

Napoleon said:

Army marches on stomach

He wasn't kidney

Feeding the soldiers

Although planned rationally

Turns into a mess

Oriental armies

Sustained soldiers with dog meat

Hence the term, "chow down"

Genghis Khan had tried

Vegetarian menu

It didn't bring peas

I hope you like my routine. I practiced in front of a baseball, and I kept it in STITCHES. Recently when I was playing baseball, I saw a woman who was pretty as a PITCHER and had great CURVES. She was a real SWINGer who liked to PLAY THE FIELD, and I knew that such a GLOVEly woman would be a good CATCH. I wanted to SCORE with her, so I decided to POP‑UP and say something, even though my success with women hasn't a‑MOUNDed to much. My plan was to WALK up to her and LEADOFF with my best PITCH. I tried to STRIKE up a conversation, but it sounded like a UNIFORM line, and I couldn't get to FIRST BASE with her. She BALKED at my comments and said that I was a SCREWBALL who was out in LEFT FIELD. I STRUCK OUT with her, and even though I was angry at the way she BATTERed me, I decided not to SLUGGER. Afterwards, I found out that she had been attracted to me during the baseball game. But when I was up to bat, I kept hitting the ball foul down the third base line, and she lost interest in me. Apparently she didn't like my FOUL BALLS. A friend said that the audience wouldn't like puns about baseball, but I told him that he was way OFF BASE. And when I stepped onto the stage and saw you, I knew RIGHT OFF THE BAT that I was right, and he will have to ad‑MITT that he was wrong. Well, I will WIND‑UP my story, CAP things off, and HIT the road. You have been a PUNderful audience, and I had a BALL talking to you. (By Kirk MMer)

Frank and Ernest are chatting, while they're reading this sign: "WEIGHT CONTROL CENTER." Frank

A letter from Grandma: (that Patty Crosbie forwarded via the electronic highway)

I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then.

When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place

very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed

I have come across some rare manuscripts written by a little‑known Florida author named E. Hawingway. One is a book of humor called "The pun also rises". A second is about gTowing old qnd is called " A Farewell to Charms" The last one is the story of an aping opera star who refuses to retire. This of course is, "The Old Man and the High C" (Norm II ( Stevenson)

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. it is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of