P

The Pundit

The official newsletter of THE INTERNATIONAL SAVE THE PUN FOUNDATION

Patricia Crosbie‑signs in once again with the ISTPF and sends us the following:

" FRANIKLY, SCALLOP, I DON'T GIVE A CLAM." (Sem on Cape Cod)

"PROCRASTINATE NOW."

" MY DOG CAN LICK ANYONE."

"A HANGOVER IS THE WRATH OF GRAPES."

"POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... COPS HAVE NOTHING TO GO ON."

" MY WIELD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT."

" COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS DON'T BYTE, THEY NIBBLE A BIT .11

Cynthia MacGregor star member

of tbe PUNY (Pumters United Nearly Yearly) drives tbese carpuns

on route puny@yahoogroups.com(You too can take this road just

open your email maps and go.

Volkswagen: What my dog, Volks, is doing whenever I come home.

Packard: Brand of car favored by football players from Green Bay.

Chrysler: What I'll do if someone defames my religion.

Cadillac: I have nobody to carry my golf clubs.

Ford: The best car for crossing rivers.

Audi: A bellybutton that isn't an "innie."

Saab: An auto that cries real tears.

Yugo: Car that doubles as an author (its most famous book was *Les Miserables*)

Q: Who is the fish most feared by the other fish? A: The codfather.

Q: What was the underwater favorite on the WW III hit parade? A: "Eel Be with You in Apple Blossom Time."

Cynthia MacGregor then asked for more fish tails and got: Fm sorry, Cyn, I must've been hard of HERRING yesterday. I was just too busy trying to MAKO living. I know, now you think I'm just FLOUNDERing. so ru SEAS and desist ... and merely say, "SEAL later." James Ertner. (PUNY too.)

My daughter asked if she could helpcook the hot dogs so I let her open up  and toast the bread. You know what they say, "Grills just want two half buns." (GaryHallock)

DearFriends, The following is a joke, then, the resulting pun. war that occurred betwem my hiend PAM in N orfolk and berfiiend BEVERLY. Aftershe sect these puns to me, I sent them. to others and got a short ptm exchange with a co‑worker. I hope you vM eqoy dikese. I asked aH kdks mvuhvd for permission to pdit these. JUDY MOLNAR, N ewport News VA. Here goes:

MR. DO LITTLE, a happily married man had only one complaint; his wile was always nursing sick birds. One N ovemberevetfwg, became hocw to find a ravenvith a splint on its beak sifting in his firvothe chair. on the dining room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspiriA while in the ldtcbeA his wife was comforting a shivering little wum that she bad found in the snow. T be finious spouse strode overto where his wik was toweling down the cold lit& bird. "I caift take it anymord Weve got to get rid of A of these damix..­The wife held up bier hard to cut him offinmid‑curse. "Please, Dear," she said, ‑Not in hrort ofthe CHILLED WREN."

From PAMELA &JAMES GREGG BIRD stories from SUSIE: Judy, I thought that you mW,& be amused bythe horrible pun war that my friend BEVE RLY and I have going that was initiated by that "CHILLE D

W1U N" bird story that I sent to you last night.

BEVE RLY: ‑Why does Susie encourage you with stories like this? I told beryou'would probably want to start a word war about efin birds. That is ROBIN me of ruyvaluable timr­When I FIN CH Nvith this, I wM be womout. "I E GRE T to say that this one was hard to SWALLOW. OWL just say this, Susie may be REAGLE ly contributing to oitw delinquency. I CANARY say enough about ymw ability to come up with yet another pun Keep this up and I will. be a RAVEN maniac."

PAM: "I was very PHEASANTLY surprised by the bird puns that you. sent eadier. I GOOSE you knowby nowthat I thoug1bt I would take ariotherGANDER at thatE‑mail. I really FLOCIKED up on the eadierE ‑naff that I sent to 3"L I meant to say " OWL just saythis" It was sent in edNEST, but BEAKause I was just winging it‑I fiailed to pax3fread. My CRANE‑ium. is not what it used tobe. This became a PARROT‑yof itself. The rest o(my puns are inesCROW. I MINAH be able to find aR of the hiST ORK references that I usually provide. BuL.. ALBATROSS d7at bridge when I come to it. ‑

BE VE RLY: "Let OSPRE Y that vie him nm out ofthese puns!"

PAM: "If you can SPARROW‑nuff thne tomorrow, please that& Susie for the great bud story we could come up mith a kw more puns ifwe formed an ad HAWK committee. (my attempts to use "flamingor and "peacocle were even censored by me as vulgar and tasteless‑which says a lot if a bunch of guys with poison ivy go to see a Mariners game and all sit nent to each other, do they call where dr‑y sit"Thelchito?" (Calmen.Feln)

Not caring for pink flamingos, I just purchased a plastic parnt to plam in my fiolt yard. I have named it Polly Esther, And then. Norm Stevenson said, ‑1 hear that Prince Edward has hired a personal trainer. He is an heir c(nditioner

Daffy" New Holidays" takenhumthe PUNY LOOPS. (Where members of PUNY seW theirvAxdplay to the group ‑Aa cyberspace.) T be cbaUenge here was to name and describe some new bofiday me could pnkiably do WithouL

Labor Day ‑ All pK910ant women will defiver on this date by law.

He Stir ‑ The man ofthe bouse rnust CoolL

Pass sofa ‑ Jewish holiday wtien you. eat unleavened bread and get so bogged down by it intestinally if s a trick to walk beyond the couch without Collapsing in Cdaustion.

Decoration Day ‑ Date when you celebrate the s4ning of the Decoration. o(Independence, whilchwas dome by a bigh,tone hteriordesigner~

NewEars Day ‑ The daywhenyou tradie in yotw eatdrums for a new set after the old ones ~wete assaulted by backyard fltewuilks the niglht befiam (Cynthia MacGregor)

Microsoft Day‑ Always celebrated on the coldest day of the year,'wim everything is sure to fieeze.

"Sold by the yard‑vium by the loot"... seen on a sign in a bioadloom stom

Bob Hope made substantial comtributions to a clinic for breast surgery. in the brocbme be is quoted as saying, "Thantis forthe nztmmazies."

My sewing group! s ivry close‑knit. They accept me'tbough I'm a misfiL We embmider all day, Wbile the puns I do say. People think I'm a fool. ‑‑ a knit‑wit. ‑‑ KitkMifier.

Go@

Daflynitkoes fiom U nwebsters:

Herucs \bee‑rhos'\ 'What a guy in a

boat does.

Left Bank AeN bamgk \ What the

rubber did when his bag was full of

loot

misty \mis‑tee, \ Mr. T's daughter.

Paradox \par' ‑u‑do&sl \ Tvm mallards.

Parasites \par‑ih‑sites'\ What you

see fiom the top of the E iffcl Tower.

Pokr1ze\pd‑lur‑ize\ Whatpenguins

see with

Refiff \we‑leef \ Wbat twes do in the

spdm­

Sclfish\sel!‑:fisb!\ Whattheownerof

a seafood stoce does.

Subdued \sub‑dood \ Like, a guy

wbo~ like, Nwxlis on one of tbosc~ like,

, marL Sudafed\sood‑a‑&d\ Brought litigation. against a government official

000

since I bave no shame‑ . . or taste). Tbeyv~ere just not eQUAIL to otw usual high standards. I VULTURE to say t1vt you vM find a reply."

BEVERLY: ‑ Okay, I lead all three of yourbirdshit emails. You used ALL the birds and left me none. You made a PIGEON out of me‑ I FEEDER need for a drink Vrhat is HUMMINGBIRD through my mind is (carf t believe you missed that one.) I AUDOBON report you to the aviary assoc macaw I seed you ate driming me flighty. What the IwR did you leave me the bhwbird of bappiness??‑

PAM: "By OSTRICH of the imagination. one of us could vx)rk "birdsbir into a purL CA‑CA‑TOO?"

BEVERLY: This is it ‑FINCHED! "This is mylast TERN. I just SWAN out of tWs contest ... as I can no longer stomach this ‑‑ heA I carit even SWALLOW it anymore! Wehave been BOBOLINK overthis LOON enough'WeAULEET diisgobefoce ,we get bitTERN overdiis. It is obvious that I enjoy HERON fiomyou. but dAs GOOSE vay beyond good taste, so I nxist bit the ROADRUN N E R for my rife. From OWL on I am leaving my catBIRD seat to Paim‑Therell be no NEST TIME TWEET TWEET. "I guess diew s something to the old saying that the PE N GUIN's mightier than the svunL"

PAM: Unfortunately, neitber of us kept the last few. The aftempts mcre getting quite feeble by that point anyway. T be only one that I can renxMi3er was my suggesdm thatwe allow French puns. WevAxWdvn baw bird puns up the 01SEA U.

Gary Hallock sends us for a LOOP

mithtbis, WHO DRAWS BRIDGES?

Dmmbftes cross the moat in front of

a fortress.

Fortress passes, vic hope the lord will

IbEgive us.

G1193ous is a pbase of the moon.

The pbase of the mom sometimes has

tvvo cheeks.

Tv*D cbeeks at once is every guys

fiffliasy­

in fiutasy is the time when a baby is

verydependant.

Deperklant bangs from a ixv1dace.

Jack Necklace one oftbose fanxxis

golf plus­

Golf prose is mote boring than poetry.

A Poe tree grew in E dgarAllad s back

YAI&

Backyaas a brand of rum.

Rum is a game played m4th airds.

Cards ale used on s%vatpants to draw

britcbes up,

                            000

We ham been tNnking of making the PUNDIT ‑an all cyberservice. Ifym haveift aheady (and even ifym have) send ‑us your preferred email address.

And always remember, "A day wothout puns is like a day without sunshine There's gloom for improvement.

Volume 23 August 2002