The Pundit

The official newsletter of THE INTERNATIONAL SAVE THE PUN FOUNDATION

December 2002

 

 Mail E Xmas, edition. (By snail) "At the holiday dinner there'll be hors d'oeuvres, fine wine, a gourmet meal and good company." "What about attire?" I asked. "Well, if you must bring a gift, I hope you can spare it, and only if you've had a good year"

 

Gary Hallock riddles us with: What's the name of the Oscar winning 1987 film that seems to have been named after a large vehicle owned by a controversial Korean minister? MOON'S TRUCK. What snake could serve female Siamese twins as an undergarment? A COBRA. A Leprechaun writes an "elf help book" containing recipes for dishes using purple fruit. For professional reasons he wishes to conceal his true identity yet still have his book appeal to the "little people." What should he do? HE SHOULD JSE A GNOME DE PLUM!

 

Mother Goose often drives her children around town

on pleasure trips in a horribly non‑fuel‑efficient old

Cadillac. Of what politically incorrect practice is she

often accused?

GAS GOSLING.

When a retired platform speaker begins to reminisce

nostalgically about his career, of what is he

thinking?

THE GOOD OLD DIAS.

Everyone knows how the Green Giant dresses when

he works in the field. But when he goes to a

corporate board meeting, what does he usually

wear?

A THREE PEA SUIT.

What did the son of the steel magnate inherit from

his father that allowed him to stick with the family

business after his father's death?

AN IRON WILL

What device did Tiny Tim (the singer) put into his

mouth that allowed him to reach the high notes

required to sing "Tiptoe through the Tulips?"

A FALSETTO TEETH.

 

(Also, asks Tiff Wimberly) What WHITTLE boy graduated from the School of Hard KNOCKS and was always able to get out of trouble with his winning ways and plays on words? PUNOCCHIO.

Upon awakening, an anthropologist aamed Stone.

 

Found two Iraqis arguing, full blown.

 

With a leg bone it's said,

 

He knocked them both dead

 

Thus, stilling two Kurds with one bone"

 

(out on a limerick again is Life Member, Dave Tozier)

 

A vertically challenged person walks into a department store and asks, "Where are the Christmas . tems?" The clerk breaks into song, "Aisle B, gnome, for Christmas!" (Warren Allen)

 

They have just discovered a never released silent film with a big star in the story of an Indian war. Buster Keaton stars in Custer Beaten. (Directed by Bill Hotchkiss)

 

A Yiddish folk tale is about a picnic at a nudist kibbutz, it's titled,

 

"GOLDIE LOX AND THE THREE BARES. " (As told by Norm Stevenson)

 

Sign in a pet store: "BUY ONE ‑)OG, GET ONE FLEA"

 

A book, you may want to consider giving this year, is one by Mack Rowe, POTY 2000 and Neil Shawen, the wordst punster on the planet, PunToons! Jest for the Health of It

 

It gets these punderfilled acclamations:

 

"Ribbiting!" shouted Kermit, the frog

 

"Truly unpardonable gags." orated W.J. Clinton

 

"Bicarbonate for the soul." Blurped Armand Hammer

 

"Doctoring for Dummies! " posed H. L. Mannequin

 

My wife and I went to the opera. We saw CARMEN. Up until tonight I thought it was the story of General Motors.

 

Still at the opera, Puccini? Isn't he an Italian puppy?

 

Remember one thing:

 

Though the V in debt's silent,

 

It supplies the sting.

 

The lady of the evening's favourite trick was to stand on the curb feigning light headedness. It was an OFF ROAD DIZZY ACT.

 

Mae West claimed she climbed the ladder of sexcess wrong by wrong.

 

Halloween 2002; a bite on the neck may be quite sacramental, but demons are a ghoul's best friend.

 

Have you visited oculist.com? It's a site for sore eyes. (As seen by Norm Stevenson)

 

The chiropractors formed a partnership to open their new clinic. It was a joint venture.

 

Plumbers can only spend a few hours a day at the job. The work is so draining.( Ron Arends, Personal Trainer at the Willowdale Club of the Fitness Institute in Toronto manipulated and flushed these out for us.)

 

My baby goat is lame! He has kid knee failure!

 

My pet turkey has the trots! Wattle I do?

 

A friend of mine told me his iron was broken, but rather than replace it, he was planning on fixing it.

 

"Ah," I replied, "Another one of your neferrous schemes."

 

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that she's called Patricia Black. So he says, "Ms. Black, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patricia looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $130,000. Ms. Black asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that because he knows the bank manager it'll be okay. Patricia explains that $130,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

 

Kermit says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patricia explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $130,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says:

 

"It's a knick knack, Patti Black. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." (Submitted by Larry, seen by many, and worth borrowing again)

 

He came into his urologist's office the doctor asked,

 

"So, what's the good void?"

 

A Priest a Rabbi and a Minister go into a bar. The bartender says, "This must be a joke!"